Memories In June

(On a little side-note, it took me forever to think of where I needed to put this. So sorry if it's in the wrong category! ><)

Pots and pans in mocha hands,
grapes and lemons by the clemen-
tines that make me breathe
a sigh. I flurry and wish,
but there's no night sky,
just a dish
that's like the moon.
To blow me high,
a symphony, number five,
in the zeal of June.
Take me back in time anemone,
you could have been
ambrosia, where I could have known
ya. Surpassing what I know
right now, still venom in that
splintered vow.
Just pots and pans in mocha hands,
and fading sable on the table.
Imagining back on that better May,
wishing she'd been the girl who'd come to stay.

(Secondly, anemone and ambrosia are both flowers, to those of you who didn't know, lol. And the meaning of anemone is "forsaken or expectation". And ambrosia means "love is reciprocated". That's all I wanted to say! Hope you liked it! ^^)

<3, except the last line could use a little work with flow, shortening it would probably make it sound better. =)

It's really interesting and I like it. Very interesting choice of words with ambrosia and anemone.

Let me first say that I love the flow in your starting lines!

Take me back in time anemone,
you could have been ambrosia,
where I could have known ya.

(I know you described what those two words mean in your poem -- but if you were to ever publish this, you can't do that. The poem has to do it itself. So...)
I'm not quite sure what you're trying to get out of "Anemone" -- tell me? Also, I feel like "where I could have known ya." seems too much of a forced rhyme. It feels staged, so to say. I think changing "ya" to "you" would make it better. I also don't see the connection from anemone to Ambrosia -- and why they could have been this plant instead of another plant. I think you should make another stanza above this and give us hints at what ambrosia and anemone mean to this -- give them qualities before you introduce them in this type of way. (Strength, weakness, happy, sad, excited, whimsical...etc.)

Surpassing what I know
right now, still venom in that
splintered vow.

I think you need to add on to the last line. Internal rhyme is a great thing to have in a poem, but only when that poem keeps flowing and doesn't make you question if it's forced. I think something like, "I surpassed what I knew/ right now. There was still venom in that/ splintered vow they kept." (Use it -- don't use it; Whichever you choose, revise this bit. ^^)

Just pots and pans in mocha hands,
and fading sable on the table.

The last line feels incredibly forced with the rhyming of sable and table. From my understanding, a "sable" is an animal -- (you used Ambrosia, a plant, and anemone, a living plant - animal-esque) so I get that connection. However, a sable is like a horse-cow-gazelle. xD I think, to make this line better, you should say, "Just pots and pans in mocha hands,/ and fading fables from a memory".


The first little chunk of this poem was fantastic -- I loved it. It was fantastic. I felt it just went downhill from there -- and seeing what you could do in the first half, I want to see this improved. ^^


Shoot me a PM if you ever revise it.


-Jon