Sweet Lies -Prologue + Chapter 1-

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Prologue

Once upon a time, there were two pretty girls named Isabelle and Emma.

But, unfortunately, one of them was crazy.


With a few twists of fate, Isabelle became Emma and Emma became Isabelle. When the “crazy one” gets institutionalized by mistake, she seethes for revenge.

While her sister is out wreaking havoc with her life, she remains stuck. What will she do to get out?

Anything, whatever it takes.

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Chapter 1

“Stop it!” I order, flailing my arms in the air.

Stop it!" A higher voice echoes.

I roll my eyes and glare at Emma, my twin sister. “Leave me alone.”

Leave me alone,” She repeats. "Oh Isabelle, oh please just leave me alone!

“I mean it!” I snap, pushing her through the door.

She stumbles against the doorframe. She raises her hand towards me, the silver hospital bracelet glinting in the light.

“What’re you going to do, push me?” I raise an eyebrow.

"What’re you going to do, push me? Isabelle, please don’t push me.” She mimics.

“I’m telling!” I scream.

Oh, oh, I’m telling!” She sneers, walking back into her room.

I roll my eyes and stomp down the stairs. Mom and Dad are in the living room, with a few duffel bags lying at their feet.

“Oh, Emma, there you are! It’s time to go. Jerry, go get Isabelle.” Mom says, coming towards me.

“But – wait! I’m not Emma, I’m Isabelle. Emma’s upstairs.” I tell her as she binds my wrists in one hers.

“Emma… don’t worry, you’ll soon be cured from this disease.” Mom murmurs. She guides me to the front door, like I’m a baby.

I turn around. Dad is at the top of the stairwell, with Emma trailing behind him. Emma smiles wickedly, smugness glinting in her eyes.

“Emma! It’s all you’re fault!” I scream, struggling against my mother’s grip.

“Jerry, come help me!” Mom sighs as my father grabs me. Emma keeps a few steps behind us.

I sigh heavily as I’m led out to the car, past our immaculate rose bushes.

Mom pushes me into the back seat, and Emma opens the other door. I fall against the leather seat and she pulls the seatbelt around my waist.

“Do you need help with that, Emma?” Emma asks, winking at me.

“It’s you’re fault,” I snap. “When we get to the facility, tell them that you’re Emma. I’m Isabelle.”

“I’m Isabelle!” Emma taunts.

“Yes, of course you are, honey.” Mom soothes her.

I groan and sink into the seat.

After rumbling past sprawling mansions, we turn into the Jenkins Mental Health Institution.

“Okay, time to go!” Dad cuts the engine and gets out. He opens my door, guiding me onto the pavement.

“Leslie, go get one of the nurses. Tell her that Emma’s here to be signed back in.”

“Alright,” Mom chirps, walking inside with Emma’s bag.

A few minutes later, she comes back out. A rail-thin, smiling nurse is at her heels.

“Hello, Emma.” She says, taking my elbow. I struggle against her and she grabs my other arm.

“Mom,” I cry. “I’m Isabelle! Emma is in the car!”

Emma winks at me and blows a kiss, before the parking lot disappears behind two sliding, glass doors.

The lobby doesn’t look like a mental hospital. There are mint-green leathery chairs lining the walls, a rounded desk for reception, and an elevator. The walls are white, with pictures lining their surface. The only indication that it’s a facility is the sign-in book on the receptionist’s desk.

It’s filled with names of patients.

The nurse neatly writes a name in the book. Emma David. I wince.

“Please! Won’t someone listen to me? I’m not Emma!” I demand.

“Don’t worry sweetie,” The nurse waves me off. “You’ll soon be all better.”

I sigh heavily as she brings me to the elevator. She pushes a button. Emma’s room is on the third floor.

The elevator doors groan and we step inside. Cheesy music plays from the ceiling.

The elevator comes to a lurching stop and we get off at the third floor. The nurse brings me through a long corridor, and finally stops at a door.

Emma David is typed on an index card that’s stuck in a slot next to the door.

The nurse takes a card out of her lapel pocket. She swipes the door and it makes a clicking noise, like a hotel-room door.

She leads me into a fairly large room; with two metal-framed beds, two desks, and a window that takes up most of the north wall.

“Here we are, Emma. Raven will be here shortly. She’s downstairs.” The nurse puts my bag on the white-blanketed bed and prances out of the room.

I sit on the bed, screwing up my nose. What kind of name is Raven? Sounds like a bird.

I stare out the window until I hear footsteps in the doorway. I instinctively turn around, a girl with long, pink-streaked black hair, ripped, tight clothes and combat boots steps inside the room.

“I… uh, hey!” I say. Pretend to be Emma… at least while the nurses are gone.

“Hey Emma,” She greets me. “Good to see you back.”

“Um… good to see you, Raven.” I remember her name from one of Emma’s visits.

“How was you’re visit home?” She asks, flopping onto the bed that wasn’t made.

“Ah, okay… I guess… it was nice to see my parents, but having my sister there kind of ruined everything,” I admit, referencing Emma’s stay at home.

“I hear you. Siblings can be a drag,”

Oh can siblings ever be! I think venomously.

“Yeah, anyway… my younger brother is so annoying! I actually try to avoid visits home just to get away from him,” She tells me.

“My sister is okay… sometimes,” I roll my eyes.

Raven checks the schedule taped onto her bedside table. “Oh joy… therapy time! Let’s go.” She strides out of the room.

I follow her, hoping that maybe I’ll be able to tell the nurses who I really am.
Last edited by RedRaven on Sun Aug 01, 2010 1:53 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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you had a decent plot going, but i was confused about what was going on with the whole switch thing. i think you should explain better why everyone thinks isabelle is emma. and also, are emma and isabelle twins?
your prologue also doesn't need to be there. it gives too much away about the story, and doesn't really make any sense with what has happend so far in the story.
A couple times you also switch tenses.
Also, why is isabelle in a mental asylum? and why was emma in the asylum before her? overall, this was a very confusing begginning chapter, but hopefully you can explain it better in the second.
Xx This side of mortality is
scaring me to death
to death xX

-The Temper Trap: Soldier On




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Hi, RedRaven! I think you actually have a great plot and a great piece. There are a few things you could work on, though.

About the prolougue: like torigirl15 side, it just gives me too much information. I wouldn't recommend getting rid of it, though, just certain parts. If you did get rid of it, I might get confused about the sisters switching places. I would get reid of:
Which one was crazy, though?
As we don't really need to know this, because it's what we are already wondering. I would also get rid of
When she does get out, she comes back looking for vengeance.
Because that tells us that Isabelle does get out.

I think Chapter 1 is very well written. I am a bit confused about how their mother mixed them up; usually mothers have a distinctive feature to go by, even if they are twins, plus Emma had the hospital bracelet. Also, wouldn't people in a mental institution act crazy, instead of being able to carry out a conversation with Isabelle? Other than that, Chapter 1 is good!

I don't really see you switching tenses, but I may have passed over them.

Overall, the basically the only things you have to work on are the ones I listed above, and this is already a great piece. It really pulls me in, and I can't wait to see what happens next!



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