IF YOU WERE....

Okay this is the first poem that I have submitted to YWS and it just happened to pop into my head when I was at school in the most boring class you have ever been in!!!


If you were a flower and I was a bee,
it's your nectar I'd take to make the honey.
The honey would be really sweet,
with your nectar it'd make a nice treat.

If you were steam pudding and I was icecream,
my heart would melt and my body would too,
because you're so hot and I really love you!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"The honey would.... nice treat", the commas there aren't set right.

Usually when you have 2 commas with text between that text can be ommitted.

"The man, who had a dark appearance to him, stood by the gate"
Or
"The man stood by the gate"

One way to fix it, is...
"The honey would be very sweet,
and with your nectar it'd make a nice treat"

It also didnt flow very well from "if you were..... make the honey", even though "bee" and "honey" rhyme, you have too many syllables in the second line to upkeep the beat.
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Second stanza, too many exclamation points right off the bat. I think one or 3 would be enough, but having that many exclamation marks would have the person screaming your lines.
Its also as annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnoying as that.

Whats "steam pudding"?

Ice Cream is 2 words.
The "because you're so hot and I really love you" are very forced.

Hehe thats actually really sweet (no pun intended) and quite clever. It does need some work IMHO, but it tickles me for some reason. Anyways, some suggestions:

If you were a flower and I was a bee,
it's your nectar I'd take to make the honey. << I like this line, but it seems slightly awkward. "I'd take your nectar to make my honey", perhaps.
The honey would be really sweet,
with your nectar in it, would make a nice treat. << these two lines are kind of off-beat and dont fit the rhythm; the rhyming seems a little forced. Perhaps you could try rewording?

If you were steam pudding and I was icecream, << love that line
my heart would melt and my body would too, << "my body would *steam*" fits better with the rhyme scheme
because you're so hot and I really love you << perhaps another line to rhyme properly here? And you dont need so many exclamation points, LOL.

Anyways, welcome to YWS. I look forward to seeing some more of your work up here!

Cheers,
~bubbles

Yum, Ice Cream...Now you've done it! I want some....and i cant have any *cries* Happy now you've made you big sister cry? Lmao, naw its sweet Mel really cute...is it aimed at anybody in particular? *cough, cough*