Shouting in the Dark

[Removed for editing.]

this is a really good story! i enjoyed it, and you should enter it into some type of contest!
i was a little confused about what this word was though "huddellump"?
the plot was well developed, and it drew me in from the very first paragraph!
Also, was this sentance "Watching his captivity." supposed to be watching his captive?

Ah, a happy ending! This story has an interesting plot line, though resolved a little too swiftly.

Plot: 8/10
The plot wasn't too cliched and it kept me reading. It got me hooked and I enjoyed reading every paragraph. I just felt slightly troubled by the quick resolution -- it was a happy ending, but I feel that it could have been drawn out just a little longer.
Character: 9/10
Eben is a great character and I can really feel his emotions conveyed by your excellent writing. In a short time, you've attached readers to him when you described how lovingly he treated his work. Then by adding conflict, you've created a new dimension in the character and his struggles throughout the story in trying to cope with the loss is most interesting.
Syntax, word choice and punctuation: 9/10
I didn't spot any particular grammatical mistake. Punctuation was used accordingly and effectively. There were some just-ever-so-slightly uncomfortable word choice, but seriously? I hardly noticed them anyway.
Theme: 10/10
Excellent theme! This was drawn out effectively by character development and conflict.

Total: 36/10
Average: 9/10

This was a very nice read. Great job. Obviously you're skilled at your craft, there's nothing wrong with punctuation, grammar, or style so my critique will be very limited.

When Eben was sixty-three, he was beaten and left for dead by five hoodlums. They took everything, but left his wallet.

I love this, especially the second sentence. A great hook. I loved the whole beginning.

His hero, whom he loved like the son he never had, was going home.

A smooth, clever way to insert a little background info. Same thing later on about the photos of the dead wife.

He bumped into a shelving cart which rattled and rolled away lazily.

"Lazily" just strikes me as not quite the right to use here.

This was the Raven toying with him!

I like this reference! It's fitting.

He placed it carefully over the human, with the other animals free and mingling and conversing around him. Watching his captivity.

I'll admit that second sentence could be seen as confusing, if only because it's a fragment. I assume it's the animals watching Eben's captivity? I was able to figure out but not every reader might, though I suppose you don't need to spell it all out.

Like I said, this was a very smooth read. Not a powerful story, but a good one. The attaché case was interesting to me because its importance for Eben reminded me of the importance of an attaché case to the priest in Graham Greene's The Power and the Glory. Though that significance was more metaphorical than the significance in your story. Random, but thoughts of that novel periodically flashed through my mind as I read this story, though the similarities end there. One problem I had was the pronunciation of the MC's name. I've never heard the name Eben before. Is it pronounced like the name Evan, except with a B instead of a V? Or is it pronounced like Eden, with a B instead of D? I pronounced it the latter way. It's just tough to read words when you're uncertain of the proper pronunciation. The only other thing is, I didn't like the title. It felt bland, like a title anyone could cook up, a title I'd see for some memoir on a bookshelf, maybe. But that's just me, and titles aren't all that important in the grand scheme of things.

Thanks for the read!

Thanks, folks, for taking the time to write! Here are some notes for you and future readers:
1) huddelump. There are a couple interesting theories on the origin of the word "hoodlum." You can read about a couple here: http://nuptialvowels.com/tag/huddellump/ I just tossed in literary and language references here and there (count them, there are 5 or 6! (two are for the same work)) because Eben's hinted to be a literature professor or something.

2) "watching his captivity." I was going for a double meaning. Literally, the text is talking about the origami animals watching the trapped origami man, and "observing his state of captivity." But of course, as meanings go and as English teachers will tell you, that trapped origami man is Eben himself.

3) Eben's name is indeed read as "Evan" with a B instead of V. True, could be confusing. Maybe I should have gone for a more straightforward European name...It was actually the name of one of my professors, and he responded to both Evan and Eden rhymes.

Thanks again, all!

I liked this a lot. Not as much as "Living is Easy", but it's still excellent stuff. I love your turns of phrases and use of images and all-round sharp writing. I outright love some parts of the story, like others, and am fairly iffy about a few segments. Your beginning is fantastic, as is the section on origami. My favourite parts of the story, hands-down.

For me, though, the ending falls together too conveniently and abruptly, tied up with a bow for the reader. His interaction with the hoodlums, where he conveniently had ammonia and amazingly managed to overpower them (even for a brief amount of time), and then, wonder of wonders, they return his manuscript to him -- all of it together felt like too much, and the perfection of the ending (where he does get it back, with some critique) is undermined by the way we get there. The odds are too neatly stacked.

It also feels a bit off, pacing-wise: a little too rushed, with too little warning of what's to come. One of the reasons I like the beginning, aside from its killer hook, is that it sets up what could otherwise be a shocking and unexpected scene. The inevitability of his encounter with the hoodlums is what makes the lead-up and delivery so good. The second & final encounter does not feel so inevitable. I sort of wish you could do a similar lead-up to it (i.e. "in the days before Eben saw his attackers again," or something less clumsy but to the same approximate effect). It's an easy way to lessen the suddenness of their re-entry. Not necessary, of course, but some development towards the ending is necessary. (I wouldn't actually mind if the encounter with the hoodlums was cut, and we have some other lead-up to the hospital bed manuscript repossession. But that's just me.)

Again, solid stuff. I love the line about the quintessential crane. The origami man was pretty much perfection. I hope you do revise this, because it has a chance to be a lot lot stronger than it already is.