Carrousel cassé

Broken carousel
Sitting in empty playground
Dead and forgotten

Girl discovers it
On a rainy day in June
Standing there alone

She hesitates when
Walking towards carousel
"Is this trespassing?"

Pausing and waiting
Worn-out sneakers shuffling
On the granite ground

Focuses her eyes
Looking around for people
Though no-one is there

All is quiet when
The girl pushes a lever
Unsure, uncertain

Little lights turn on
Flickering and wavering
Painted horses glow

She gasps and stares at
The majestic carousel
Worn and aged by time

Brushing off some dust
She cannot comprehend why
Carousel died

Girl climbs on the horse
Presses some faded buttons
The music begins

Carousel creaking
Horses going up and down
Lights gleaming, flashing

The jolly polka
Synchronising with the lights
And with the horses

All this together
Mixing and molding into
Symphonies of joy

Carousel reborn
Wooden horses become real
Forgotten no more

Suddenly there was
The scent of cotton candy
In the summer air

Floating balloons and
Echoes of children's laughter
Follow carousel

Girl laughs with delight
The world spins out of control
Colours a-swirling

Nostalgia fills her
Watching her horsey neighing
Girl is six again

“Hurry, go faster”
Breaking into a wide grin
Horsey seems to smile

All good things must end
Carousel staggers and stops
Music fades away

Girl cannot accept
Arms wrapped around horse’s neck
Never letting go

Raindrops start to fall
Brushing against distraught girl
Entangled with horse

She finally leaves
Hands brushing horse, grooming it
Heart sinking inside

Girl turning her back
Walks away from carousel
Tears merging with rain

Lights dimming, fading
No more happy circus tunes
Horsey forgotten




Carousel broken once more

Hey Iceprincess!

Firstly, the two syllable mistakes for the haiku format:

The world spins around her

and

Girl turns her back

Both are missing a syllable.

Brushing off some dust
She cannot comprehend why
Carousel died

But the Carousel hasn't died here, has it? She just pulled the lever! She just made it come to life!

Overall

So, I loved the cute idea and how you left the girl unnamed. I also liked how the carousel was made into its own character, like a separate, living entity. However, while I appreciate your haiku format, I wouldn't suggest using it again. It showed off that you can count syllables (most of the time) but it hampered your flow more than it helped. By the seventh or eighth haiku we're falling into a dull, repetitive rut, because we know how it's going to read. But, unlike strong rhythm, the 5-7-5 pattern never feels quite right. It becomes awkward, makes all the stanzas seem too similar. There's no variation, and since you're forced to stay within the strict 5-7-5 pattern you can never fully express your story. You're trapped with short, common words, fleeting images. You don't have a chance to give us anything profound.

So, while it was cute and I did enjoy it, try something less constrictive next time so that you can focus less of how exactly you present the poem, and more on what kinds of poetic images you're presenting. Also, you don't have to capitalize every line, and you can use punctuation! Please do, in fact. I normally punctuate and capitalize poetry exactly like fiction.

Best of luck, good job, and PM me for anything!

~Evi

I agree with Evi. While it is a nice poem with a lot of meaning to it, the haiku format hinders it. Like Evi said, it gets repetitive when done for so long. I was getting bored and losing interest right around stanza 12 or so. And, like Evi said, it's limiting your word choice and sentence length, making it difficult to completely convey your themes

I'd also recommend you capitalize "girl" and "carousel", since you refer to both of them by what they are. Of course, if you were going for something else by avoiding that, by all means, keep it the same. I'm one of those guys that goes into a poem and starts to capitalize words throughout the poem, and something like this is perfect for that.

This poem has the potential to be great. I feel that there is a good message behind it, and it's got some real great lines in it. but the format is holding it back from it's true potential. If you could just break free, you'd be golden.

Hi Iceprincess! I love the idea of this poem!

iceprincess wrote:Brushing off some dust
She cannot comprehend why
Carousel died

"Carousel died" is only four syllables.

iceprincess wrote:Raindrops start to fall
Brushing against distraught girl
Entangled with horse

Wait, don't carousels usually have tops, almost like roofs? How can the raindrops brush against the girl?

Overall, this is a very cute poem! I applaud you; haiku is one of the most difficult types of poetry to write! Nice work!