Wishing on Stars

This a mobile pantoum, and I hope you like it.


Wishing on stars for you.
Hoping and praying because
You need to stay longer.
All I want is more time.

Hoping and praying because
I need you with me.
All I want is more time.
Just a few more memories.

I need you with me.
All I'm asking for,
Is just a few more memories,
Just a few more days.

All I'm asking for,
All I'm praying for,
Just a few more days.
Wishing on stars for you.

Hi,

You handle the form beautifully. "Wishing on stars for you" works nicely.

I'd change "Hoping and praying" to something more visual. Show us how the speaker moves, acts,appears, while they are wishing. I'd also change "I need you with me"-show us a specific visual aspect of what the speaker needs from this person.

I'd change the full-stop after the first line to a comma, and the same for after "time" in the second stanza. I'd cut the comma after "for" in the last verse.

An enjoyable read overall.

Hope this helps,
Jas

Hello there

Nicely done. I liked the fact that you kept a consistent mood through out the poem, a sort of subtle mood. I did not like the last stanza that much because it just seemed like you ran out of ideas on how to phrase your plea, but it's not a big deal because the rest of the poem flows wonderfully.

Good job

Hey Morgan,

I really liked this, it was raw and emotional. It was also cute,. It was lively and it was a good read.

Keep Writing

Anger

nice! keep it up.

<3Morgan,Dreamer:) wrote:This a mobile pantoum, and I hope you like it.


Wishing on stars for you.
Hoping and praying because
You need to stay longer.
All I want is more time.

Hoping and praying because
I need you with me.
All I want is more time.
Just a few more memories.

I need you with me.
All I'm asking for,
Is just a few more memories,
Just a few more days.

All I'm asking for,
All I'm praying for,
Just a few more days.
Wishing on stars for you.

It is just great, I don't have any other comment. This is great, keep it up. And thanks for posting such a nice thing over here.

Hey there! Ok, so to be honest with you, at first I didn't think I would like this, but I very much enjoyed this! This was well written and I like the idea of the first lines ans such. I have nothing bad to say here =).... So on that note, good job, and keep on writing

Hello Hello Hello! I found this poem rather nice! Personally I love wishing on stars, so that made it even better! Haha. As far as nit picky stuff, I saw nothing wrong, so cool beans =). If you have any questions, or want me to review anything else, just write to me on my wall, or PM me.