Elle (Chapter 9)

3 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 714
Reviews 23
Hey everyone! Here is chapter 9, I hope you like it! I wasn't sure what to rate it, so I just rated it 12+. (: I'm sorry that it's kinda long. (:


Chapter 9 Blackness:

I wake up covered in sweat. My breathing is rapid, my heart beating in my ears. The tips of my fingers are raw, the nails are cracked and chipped ragged from trying to grab onto the stone floor. Instinctively, I check my torso for any wound that would result from Trenton’s arrow that would have pierced me. As I begin to realize that it was just a dream, my breathing starts to slow, coming back to it’s original pace as well as my heart.

Down the hall, footsteps began echoing through the stone. I cowered in the back corner of the cell, furthest from the barring. Chills went up and along my spine, branching out to the rest of my body. I curled my legs up to my body, refusing to let them go. There seemed to be more footsteps, each one growing louder and louder. The chills came more fiercely now.

The footsteps came closer and closer, eventually stopping at my cell. A servant held a ring of keys in one hand and used it to unlock my door. The lock clicked and the door swung open. I sat, frozen in place.

“Bring her out,” the Darkness ordered.

Two servants entered my small cell, hunching over to grab my wrists. I kept my head down while they began tugging on my arms. In their grasp, I twisted my wrists around, making it more difficult for them to drag me while screaming at them, yelling “No!” They ignored me. Soon, there were more in my cell, all clutching part of me. They managed to unfurl my legs so they could take my ankles. More forcefully, I begin kicking and punching. They grabbed hold of my arms and ankles then lifted me into the air. I screamed even louder at them. In my ears, I could hear my heart beat that sped up from the normal pace that it was accustumed to.

I was dropped, landing on the stone with a thud. Before me was the Darkness, teeth gleaming like in my dream. My feet scrambled under me, letting me stand. Servants were surrounding us, making it difficult to run if needed.

“Now, I have some proposals to make,” the Darkness said. “Ones that would make your whole life easier.”

Cowering, I glared at him, then said, “What would you like to propose?”

The Darkness grinned, “Before I start, let me make this clear; if you agree, your grandmother would be safe, as well as the boy you were traveling with. What was his name?”

“Trenton,” I accidently say.

“Ah, yes. Young Trenton.” the Darkness chuckles.

“Leave him alone.” I hiss.

“Darling, I meant him no harm.” the Darkness spreads out his arms, slightly making his point.

“And my grandmother, you said she would be safe?” I question.

“Yes.” Something about the way that he said that made me unsure. He was lying.

“Your lying,” I accuse.

The Darkness glares, then says, “That’s a strong accusation.”

I take it further, “How would you keep her safe?”

“That is not for you to know. You will have to trust me.”

I decide to end this. He could easily kill me now. “If I may ask, how long have I been here?”

The Darkness laughed at my question. “Days. Five to be exact.”

Shocked, I say, “How?”

“It’s quite simple, really. You slept most of the time or sat looking at the wall for several hours.”

I began retracing what had happened the past days, coming to no conclusion. I figured three days, not five. Maybe I was catching up on lost sleep. “What is your proposal then?”

The Darkness begins pacing while saying, “Well, you would be a great addition to my army, making it the greatest one in history. You would be treated like royalty. I, myself, would teach you things that you have not explored yet. Just imagine this, you would be the greatest Mover in Arai’s grand history. Do you, Elle, agree to this?”

I stared at him in disbelief. It was insane. I would never agree. All the pain that the King and the Darkness have created is something that I wish to never do.

“Your grandmother and... Trenton will be granted safety,” the Darkness urged.

I breathed in a long breath, then released it. It may be my last for what I was going to say next. “No.”

“Are you sure about your answer?”

“I said no.”

The Darkness shook his head in disapproval. He began approaching me. Each step he took, I took a step back until I clashed into a servant.

“Now, Elle, I really don’t want to do this.” the Darkness took out a blade that seemed to be coated in some liquid.

Instinct came over me and I shifted the rocks beneath the Darkness’s feet, causing him to sink waist deep into the stone. He growled and almost as if it was nothing, he broke out the encasing. Servants circled me, shields creating an unbreakable wall. In panic, I sliced water at the wall of shields, causing a small opening to get through. I slid through the break, running down the hall.

Behind me, I heard the clang of metal that I was too familiar with. I turned and saw the mesh of silver blending together with hints of red in the mix, but no black. Suddenly, my foot caught something, causing my fall. I yelped from the pain.

Looming above me, the Darkness formed into himself out of the black smoke. Face stern and angry, he lifted up my right wrist, revealing my Mark. My breathing began coming out in quick, small breaths, my heart beating faster. He pulled out his dagger, placing it on a line of my Mark. The Darkness smiled at me then he pushed down on my skin, piercing through. My scream broke through the empty cells and walls, even hurting my own ears.

The pain that broke onto my wrist was unbearable. It felt like my hand was being sawed off with a blunt blade. I opened my eyes a tad and looked at my Mark. Clear liquid flowed out onto the surface and ran down my arm. I was hallucinating. Another stab of pain. The sharp blade ripped through my flesh and tissue, cutting through my veins and muscle.

It seemed unending, the pain kept coming in waves, forcing out another scream. Now and then, I caught gasps of air between my screams. My body dangled loosely in the Darkness’s grasp. The pain was so unbearable that my senses were clouded, making me vulnerable to anymore torture. Even the shock couldn't drown out the pain. All my emotions mixed, making me feel ill. I found myself back in my cell on the floor, wriggling around in pain. With my left hand, I pushed against my Mark, trying to stop the bleeding and pain. Beneath my wrist, a small pool of the clear liquid began forming. Right then, I wanted to die. Another ripple of pain ran through me and then the agony was cut short.


Hollers broke through my mind, waking me. Pain began shooting through my body again, causing the scream. My throat was dry, begging for water. I began coughing. Through my eyelashes, I saw a black figure at my cell door, unlocking it. Scared, I squirmed to the back, shielding my face as well as my Mark. My right wrist felt limp and useless.

Another dose of pain shot through my body. I felt hands trying to flip me over, but I didn’t let them. The person managed to turn me to face them when I was weakened by anguish. I caught a glimpse of the brown hair that I grew familiar with and began crying with joy. More footsteps came in, more hollers further down the hall.

“We must go, now ” an unfamiliar voice said.

I was lifted and I pressed my head on Trenton’s shoulder. Sobs escaped my mouth. Around me, I heard arrows being shot, swords being unsheathed, yelps of men. I let out another scream, then I was sucked back into blackness.


Beneath me, I felt a smooth coat of hair. I peeked my eyes open, seeing the mane and ears of a brown horse. On either side of me were arms that kept me from sliding off. I began coughing, tasting the rusty tang of blood in the back of my throat. My eyes felt raw from crying, dried tears plastering my cheeks. I felt somewhat safer, not by much though. It was possible that I could die, or that's what it felt like.

Around me, I heard more horses on either side of me, their snorting and hooves a gentle beat. Trees flew past me, making me dizzy. I hadn't grown accustomed to the constant pain that caused my constant screams and whimpers. With every scream came a cough and with every cough, the taste of blood grew stronger. A gentle hand rubbed the back of my head.

I caught sight of my Mark, now surrounded by a webbing of black underneath my skin. Covering my Mark itself was a piece of ripped cloth that was wrapped around it tightly. While I observed it, fire began inflaming my Mark while the rest of my arm felt numb from cold. Going mad, I began trying to tear at, screaming all the while.

My finger caught a tender spot while trying to tear off the cloth, sending a new wave an even stronger pain up my arm and into the rest of my body. It kept coming, until I was surrounded by black.


I woke again, still on the horse but surrounded by night. Everything was dark, the only thing that shined was the stars and the moon in the sky. Crickets chirped their tunes, fireflies buzzed around. It felt peaceful. The thing that disrupted this was the constant anguish in my wrist. It felt inflamed and I wanted to douse it with water. The rest of me felt cold, grasping any warmth.

“We are almost there. You will be alright.” I heard Trenton’s whisper in my ear.

I wasn’t sure where we were at, but I trusted Trenton, so I didn’t let it bother me much. My eye caught sight of my wrapped Mark, now drenched in the clear liquid, the webbing pattern now to the middle of my forearm. It had grown. Underneath it, my veins were pulsing in slow rhythms, managing to transport my blood through my arm. The longer I observed it, I thought I saw the black webbing travel further up my arm. The bandage couldn’t hide the same pattern now crawling it’s way up my palm. It was spreading rapidly, whatever it may be.

Curious, I touched the pattern. Almost instantly, the touch of my finger to my skin sent up a flare. The fire consumed my arm, traveled through my body, then back to my heart. My pulse sounded in my ears, pounding faster and harder than ever. More tears fell onto the horse, my coughs filled with more blood. I couldn’t get away from the fire; it had a firm grip on me. The last thing I remember seeing was a great, dense wall of trees that were growing larger and larger. The trees loomed over us as we entered them, consuming me in black.


My vision blurred the profiles of the people standing over me. Fluttering my eyes open, I noticed that not only were they watching me, they were all clenching tightly on my ankles and left arm. Fright overwhelmed me, causing me to squirm and wiggle under their grips. From the sudden movement, I let out numerous coughs, each one was followed by the taste of my own blood.

“What’s wrong?” a worried voice asked. I recognized it with Trenton.

“She just woke up; she doesn’t know what’s going on,” a voice said. It was a gentle tune, sounding like the wild birds that I heard chirping outside.

I winced from the pain that radiated from my right arm, tears falling down. Someone held tightly to my arm, causing even more fire to erupt through me. I couldn’t help but scream.

“What are you doing to her? Isn’t it that obvious she is in pain?” I located Trenton’s voice on the opposite wall.

I felt hope that he could save me, somehow. Between the coughs, I screamed his name, begging him to help me.

“It’s the only way.” the smooth voice of birds chirping calmed me a small bit.

“There has to be a way that won’t hurt her this much.”

“There isn’t.”

“What do you plan on doing then?” Trenton sounded as if he was making an accusation.

I let out a blood curdling scream.

“Drain the blood from her elbow down. It’s the only way to get the poison out of her before it reaches her heart.” Now able to process what was happening around me, I connected this voice to a woman. Every word she said sounded frantic, scared even as if I were her own daughter maybe.

“Do you have anything that could reduce the pain?” Trenton wasn’t enjoying seeing me like this, it was obvious from the way he sounded and what he said.

“Yes, but the poison would just burn it off. Even if it did work, the poison would reach her heart and kill her before it had any effect. This way, she won’t die and it will be less painful than if it got to her heart.”

There was a moment of hesitation, then, “Alright.”

At the sound of Trenton’s voice, I felt a tight piece of cloth being tied at my elbow, closing the circulation to my hand. My heart went frantic trying to pump blood to my hand. The fire ceased to just my lower arm. I stopped wiggling and let the women help me. Maybe she could make it all better.

“You might want to leave the room.” the woman told Trenton.

I didn’t want Trenton to leave me. What if they hurt me? He wouldn’t know. In objection, I cried his name again and again.

“I want to stay,” Trenton said sternly.

“Alright.” the woman sounded as if she was saying sorry.

She dangled my hand over the bedside, my eyes still closed shut. My breathing came in ragged breaths. Every now and then I would wince.

The pain hit, knocking the air out of me. I gasped, trying to breath again. Fire burned through my arm, destroying whatever stood in it’s way. It felt like that my flesh and muscle was getting torn away from my bone. My screams filled the room, nothing else made a sound. I wanted to die, it must be less painful than this. My lungs ached from my screams. Unable to control myself, I began crying, tears wetting the bedding that I lay on. My hand clenched into a tight fist as I tried to get it out of the grip of another persons hands. I was going to die here.

I lolled my head to face my wrist, seeing the clear liquid drain from my Mark. My Mark itself looked disfigured, ragged, and horrifying compared to what it looked like before. I caught sight of dainty hands pushing down on my upper arm. In her grasp, I began pulling my arm away from her, using all my strength to get away from her. I screamed at her, telling her to let me go. Then I started yelling at Trenton, pleading. I didn't, couldn't, understand what was happening to me.

In my ears, I could hear my heart beat in rapid motions. I tried to kick and hit the others who locked me to the bed but didn’t succeed. My arm erupted in more pain causing me to release another blood curdling scream. My arm felt as if it was being put under immense pressure that wasn't going to release anytime soon. In the midst of my scream, the burning of my arm increased to a point that I haven’t felt yet. My body fell limp, everything seemed to disappear.
Katie ^-^




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 30301
Reviews 770
Hey Kr,

Here for the 9th, as requested! :D

I wake up covered in sweat. My breathing is rapid, my heart beating in my ears. The tips of my fingers are raw, the nails are cracked and chipped ragged from trying to grab onto the stone floor. Instinctively, I check my torso for any wound that would result from Trenton’s arrow that would have pierced me. As I begin to realize that it was just a dream, my breathing starts to slow, coming back to it’s original pace as well as my heart.
Um, you changed tense here. It should read, "I woke up (I would insert comma here), cover....My breathing was rapid . . . tips of my fingers were raw. Personally, I would only write 'I woke, covered in sweat', it flows better, I think.

branching out to the rest of my body. I curled my legs up to my body, refusing to let them go
In the space of a few words, you write 'body' twice. Maybe the second time, you could write 'chest' instead.

Two servants entered my small cell, hunching over to grab my wrists. I kept my head down while they began tugging on my arms. In their grasp, I twisted my wrists around, making it more difficult for them to drag me while screaming at them, yelling “No!” They ignored me. Soon, there were more in my cell, all clutching part of me. They managed to unfurl my legs so they could take my ankles. More forcefully, I begin kicking and punching. They grabbed hold of my arms and ankles then lifted me into the air. I screamed even louder at them. In my ears, I could hear my heart beat that sped up from the normal pace that it was accustumed to.

This whole paragraph seems odd to me. It seems mechanical. Why didn't she react before they grabbed her wrists. Why is she telling us that she's yelling, show us. "They managed to take hold of me, kicking and screaming, and held me spread eagle by the arms and legs. "No!""
Doesn't that say all you just said but much quicker, much easier? I don't say that it's perfect but we understand that she put up a fight, that they had difficulty and that she screamed her denial...

I was dropped, landing on the stone with a thud. Before me was the Darkness, teeth gleaming like in my dream. My feet scrambled under me, letting me stand. Servants were surrounding us, making it difficult to run if needed.

Kr, how does Elle feel? She just got dropped and it made a thud? That's it? Really? Her bones must be aching as she scrambles to her feet, her head must be pounding and, maybe, she sees stars.

Cowering, I glared at him, then said, “What would you like to propose?”
I do believe you'll have to rethink this one. To cower is to "cringe in fear" (as per the online dictionary). If she is cringing in fear, she won't be glaring, that's for sure.

“Your lying,” I accuse.
(you're) she cowers, glares and accuses? From a look in his eye? I'm not quite sure you have your MC down pat. I highly suggest you sit down and make sure you know exactly who your MC is and how she would react in circumstances.

I began retracing what had happened the past days, coming to no conclusion. I figured three days, not five. Maybe I was catching up on lost sleep. “What is your proposal then?”
You gave no indication that that much time had passed in the cell. Of course, we don't need to know but maybe have a scene with her trying to count hours/days or something to give us a clue.

I breathed in a long breath, then released it. It may be my last for what I was going to say next. “No.”
Ok, maybe I should keep reading before I say this but this isn't believable to me. I would keep him talking, then ask for some reprieve to think. Maybe in better conditions to show his good faith, or something. But just making a decision like this? She could say yes. Hell, she'd be treated like royalty? Maybe she could use that leverage to do something good. But you don't bring her through her thought process here. Does she have any thoughts? At all? Kr, you don't help us feel for her if you aren't showing us what's going on in her head. It's by their decisions when faced with adversity that we come to love and feel for the characters in your story. If you simply say 'no' without explanation, we will think her callous to condemn her grandma (the woman who raised her) and Trenton (the boy who saved her). Get my point?

Instinct came over me and I shifted the rocks beneath the Darkness’s feet, causing him to sink waist deep into the stone. He growled and almost as if it was nothing, he broke out the encasing. Servants circled me, shields creating an unbreakable wall. In panic, I sliced water at the wall of shields, causing a small opening to get through. I slid through the break, running down the hall.
either this was too easy or your Darkness is too dumb for words for not planning this in advance. That is the problem with new writers (including me). We give everything too easily without our characters working too hard to obtain it. Sound familiar?

I hadn't grown accustomed to the constant pain that caused my constant screams and whimpers.
constant is too eye-catching here, written so closely together.

I caught sight of my Mark, now surrounded by a webbing of black underneath my skin. Covering my Mark itself was a piece of ripped cloth that was wrapped around it tightly. While I observed it, fire began inflaming my Mark while the rest of my arm felt numb from cold. Going mad, I began trying to tear at, screaming all the while.

My finger caught a tender spot while trying to tear off the cloth, sending a new wave an even stronger pain up my arm and into the rest of my body. It kept coming, until I was surrounded by black
Um. Why wasn't the person behind her trying to soothe her fit? I'd probably be shocked off my horse if I heard her screaming like that, trying to tear her wound open.

My vision blurred the profiles of the people standing over me. Fluttering my eyes open, I noticed that not only were they watching me, they were all clenching tightly on my ankles and left arm. Fright overwhelmed me, causing me to squirm and wiggle under their grips. From the sudden movement, I let out numerous coughs, each one was followed by the taste of my own blood.
This is a perfect opportunity to show her thoughts. Fright overwhelms her, why? Because just days/hours/moments before, servants had held her that way and she's terrified of being so helpless? You must explain. Especially when you're writing in the first person because we are directly plugged in your Mc's brain, we should feel what she feels, think what she thinks. Help us do that.

The pain hit, knocking the air out of me.
Um, hadn't it hit already? Wasn't that why she was yelling her head off?

Ok Kr, I'm going to be blunt here; this wasn't my favourite chapter. You had great opportunities to show and not tell what was happening. You are going to have to work on that. There are books you could read, you need to practice it also. If you look up 'show don't tell' on Google or Yahoo, it'll send you to great websites. Even on this one, other reviewers have posted great topics about it, just take the time to search for it.

The thing with this story, as I have mentioned throughout this piece, is that you aren't letting us in on Elle's thoughts and emotions. All we get is her endless screams and her pounding heart. There are so many ways to show fear, courage, anger and all those other wonderful emotions. More than just a pounding heart.
I found all this very bland. Not much happened, really. All Elle did was scream and pass out. I was just annoyed at the end. You could show her passing out in different ways. That she briefly wakes up from a nightmare of the Darkness and his knife, you wake up to find a face over you, you lash out (turns out to be Trenton later on you find out), then, spent, you pass out and so on.

I know what you're trying to do but it isn't quite coming across. Maybe you could try writing it all by hand, slowly, thinking of every sentence carefully before you set it down on paper. It helps me.

Now, all that nagging done with, I want to say that your story really is intriguing. It needs work, of course it does. Everyone of us here and here to get help and to grow in the process. That's what this website is meant for. But you have a great idea, the concept is interesting and I would love to delve deeper into this world.

I hope you aren't discouraged by this review. It's simply constructive critism. Please keep in mind what I've mentioned. If you've already written the next chapter, go over it again, bearing in mind everything I've mentioned here.

Good luck and keep writing,
Tanya :D




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 714
Reviews 23
Thanks, I will probably rewrite this whole chapter anyway. I wasn't feeling to good about it. (:
Katie ^-^



Be steadfast as a tower that doth not bend its stately summit to the tempest’s shock.
— Dante Alighieri