.

.

It definitely needs some revision, mostly just stuff a good proofread will fix, but I like it. Some awkward phrasing, fragmented sentences, and a little bit of repitition, to be sure, and you shifted tense a couple of times. For example,

“Hey, Beccy, happy birthday.” My oldest cousin, Holly, says. There’s an evil glimmer in her dark brown eyes.
“Yeah, happy birthday, Beccy.” My brother, Riker, mimiced. He has the same glimmer is his hazel eyes. I got nervous and looked down at my feet.

One other thing that's important in a story--when words like he, she, or my come after someone speaking, such as

"Soph, help me with the pizza?” My mom asked my aunt

, the word shouldn't be capitalized. Despite the punctuation, it's still part of the same sentence, so it should read: "

Soph, help me with the pizza?” my mom asked my aunt.

I think it flows better that way.

Again, good work on the story and keep writing!
~Mossyra

Hello Honey! I'm here to review your work today!

Nitpicks

It started in the basement. It’s cliché, because everything always starts in the basement. This memory though, is as alive as newborn bird. It doesn’t flash in my head as a memory, it’s is as if I was there. I held this memory as is if were hot fire near my finger tips because I didn’t want to burn my fingers with the truth.

Change the thing I marked in red to match the current tense: I hold this memory as if it were hot fire near my fingertips, all because I don't want to burn my fingers with the truth.

I was five years old. My family was over for my birthday party. Our newly bought house had been transformed into a pink mansion. Pink streamers hung from every nook and cranny. Balloons floated above every possible place where the string could be tied. Gifts wrapped in different shades of pink sat on the kitchen table patiently waiting for their opening.
I myself was wearing a pink dress with frills on the bottom. My mother had put curls in my dirty blond hair, pink clips held the untamable pieces of hair to the side. It was always impossible to control my side hairs; they always stuck up indifferent directions. My mother slipped on my pink frilly socks for me, my fancy white shoes following.
I walked down my square staircase, making sure to hold on to the bars underneath the railing. I took my merely time going down the carpeted stairs step by step. My mother walked down swiftly picking me up on the way down. We walked into the kitchen, as I put my face in her shoulder because of the horrid pink everywhere.

Three paragraphs here start with I...kinda buggy. Try changing it up a little bit. Thats always been a big problem for me, but it helps a bunch.

“Hey, Beccy, happy birthday.” My oldest cousin, Holly, says. There’s an evil glimmer in her dark brown eyes.

Try: "Hey Beccy, happy birthday." My oldest cousin Holly said, an evil glimmer shining in her dark brown eyes.

My brother, Riker, mimiced. He has the same glimmer is his hazel eyes. I got nervous and looked down at my feet.

Try: He had the same glimmer in his own hazel eyes.

. I looked at the door the lead the basement.

I looked at the door that lead to the basement.

Overall

This seems really interesting. You used really good imagery and words. I liked it a lot and I am sooo interested to find out what happens next. Like who the men were...I hope you keep writing and let me know when you get another chapter posted!Just fix those few nitpicks I pointed out and it will be fabulous! Good Luck!

Keep Writing!
~Forest

Hello pshxhoney.

It’s cliché, because everything always starts in the basement.

Ok so you've identified it has a cliche, but I think we can all tell that it's a cliche so what's the point of stating it? It brings nothing new to the table.

This memory though, is as alive as newborn bird.

The similie works, but it's kind of like just placed here.

I held this memory as is if were hot fire near my finger tips because I didn’t want to burn my fingers with the truth.

I think you are kind of repeating yourself here. We know that the memory's fresh and realistic, you don't need to describe how it felt. Keep it simple.

Our newly bought house had been transformed into a pink mansion. Pink streamers hung from every nook and cranny.

Repetition here again. We know that everything's pink just from the first sentence. Also, I don't like the verb "transformed". It's one of those words that when used out of context, it makes the writing seem bland. It's better off in something like a sci fi novel. Try to find another word for "transformed".

I walked down my square staircase, making sure to hold on to the bars underneath the railing. I took my merely time going down the carpeted stairs step by step. My mother walked down swiftly picking me up on the way down.

I'm confused here. Is the narrator walking down by herself, or with her mother?

We walked into the kitchen, as I put my face in her shoulder because of the horrid pink everywhere.

This is clumsy. The two clauses here state things which are independant of one another.

The lights illuminated the old wooden stairs, the lights ending at the end of the staircase.

This is redunctant. Obviously when you turn the light on, you'd be able to see the stairs.

Slamming my fist I yelled to the other side of the door asking for help.

Asking? The narrator's slamming her fists here, implying that she's desperate to get out. What's a word like "asking" doing here? Asking's a word that works better in less dramatic situations. (e.g: When you are asking someone what the date is today).

There was a man with fine pressed clothes on looking down at me with worriment, behind him a man with ragged clothes on, the smirk on his face sending a chill up my spine.

How did the man look down with worriment? Describe it. And also, "sending a chill up my spine" is a cliche expression. Find a fresher way to show your character's fear.

Overall impressions:

Eh, this needs some revision. I don't see much point in the birthday scene. Nothing really happens and we know little about the characters. It's only when the narrator goes down the stairs that finally something happens, but even that was lacking.

Firstly, I want to know why you chose to have the birthday scene take up over half your story. Are you trying to create a false sense of security for the reader? If you are, then you need to slow down and show more of that merriment between the narrator's friends and mother. I want to know more of what the narrator's thinking. Did she like having the party at the mansion? What did she feel when she was forced to go down into the basement? I want to see more of the narrator slowly going from happy to afraid. You have quite a lot of vague thoughts and ideas, like the pink decorations, the pink dress, how the narrator is walking down the stairs. What? What's the point in all of that? It has no meaning behind it.

When the "horror" actually happened, it was kind of random. The narrator just heads down the stairs and 'poof' a big bad meanie is here. There's like no foreshadowing at all to this. In fact, I was here wondering why the children even dared the narrator to head down into the basement. Is there some sort of superstition among them that something evil lurks down in the basement of the mansion?

And lastly, you might want to make your characters more distinguishable. They are all bland at the moment as little of their personalities are shown. They are just playing around and teasing one another. Not very engaging, I mean don't all kids do that?

Good luck.

Andy.

Hi! Well, I'm Jessica and I'll be reviewing this today.

First of all, I liked it. I thought it was very mysterious and it sounded pretty cool.

- Try and be a bit more descriptive about the characters and scenery. Put a vision of what's going on into our heads.
- You introduced a lot of characters in just the first chapter, I mean, that's okay, but did you need three cousins? Did you need to mention her aunt. If they are going to be a big part in the story later on then it's fine mentioning them now, but if they aren't going to be mentioned at all any further then why even mention them? : ) Just my opinion

pshhxhoney wrote:We walked into the kitchen, as I put my face in her shoulder because of the horrid pink everywhere.

So, she doesn't like the pink. Then why is everything pink and why is she wearing pink? Did her mom make her?

I think the other reviewers up there covered most of the spelling mistakes.

Keep writing, it sounds splendid so far!

PM me if you need anything : )

-Jessica

Hey Pshh, Stella here!

I. NITPICKS

It's cliché, because everything always starts in the basement.

It's not a well known cliché, so I'm questioning the word-choice here.

held the untamable pieces of hair to the side.

pieces of hair? Strands?

I took my merely time going down

merely time? Is that an expression?

“Beccy, don’t do that, everyone is looking. Bring your head back up and smile.” My mom whispered to me,

Learn your dialogue punctuation.

“Hey, Beccy, happy birthday.” My oldest cousin, Holly, says. There’s an evil glimmer in her dark brown eyes.

You just switched tense!

The sound of faint footstep

footsteps.

II. OVERALL

As the others did, I'm questioning why you put just so many details in about the party. It seems weird to mention all her cousins etc unless they're really important later on. After that, I'm wondering if this is the best place to start a story. If your MC is going to stay five years old, then fine. But why not take us to a moment when this is going to affect her later on at the beginning? Then come back to this when we're more into the story.

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x

*Appears in a cloud of smoke.* Hello, Honey.

This memory though, was different. It doesn’t flash in my head as a memory, it’s is as if I was there. I hold this memory as if it were hot fire near my finger tips, all because I don’t want to burn my fingers with the truth.

Okay, I understand what you're trying to say, but the part about the fire really confuses me. You hold it like fire because you don't want to burn your fingers? I must sound really naive right now, but can you please explain that to me?

“Oh, Beccy,” –she came over to me and put her hands on my shoulders- “See, I would, but I have this problem with my feet, I can’t walk down the stairs because of it.” She showed sadness in her eyes.

I think the dashes would be better if replaced with commas or something, and this girl is such a liar!

Holly whined, as she prided my fingers from her hand.

The commas is not needed here. It interrupts the flow.

Holly pushed my me two steps down, I caught onto the railing.

I went down another step, the step screaming under the weight of my feet.

Repetition of the word step.

Slamming my fist, I yelled to the other side of the door for help.

The sound of faint footsteps then came into my ears.

Repetition of the phrase faint footsteps.

There was a man with fine pressed clothes on looking down at me with worriment.

I though it was too dark to see anything. Unless I'm missing something here.

Behind him there was a man with ragged clothes on, his sparkled dangerously and grin.

The second part of this sentence doesn't make much sense.


This was good, and I really want to know who those men were. Considering the title, I suppose they're ghost or spirits of some sort. They're weren't really that many mistakes in this and you had very good description, my only problem is that sometimes you tell instead of showing. It's not really major, but I just feel you can fit more description in this.

Those kids are so mean! I would hate to have family members like them. What reason would they have for locking her in the basement? It's just rude.

Okay, I've nothing more to say about this. I would really like to read the second part so PM me when you post it.

ReisePiecey!

Hey Pshh

It started in the basement. Kids are always afraid of the basement. I loved my basement when I was a kid. But then again, I was a weird kid. This memory though, was different. It doesn’t flash in my head as a memory, it’s is as if I was there. I hold this memory as if it were hot fire near my finger tips, all because I don’t want to burn my fingers with the truth.

If you say it doesn't flash in your head as if it was a memory and then you say you hold this 'memory' thats a bit of a contradiction. And 'i hold this memory as if it were hot fire' seems a little weird...I've never heard of cold fire.

My family was over for my birthday party.

This seems like common sense, your family is always over for your birthday or at least its assumed.

I liked it, it was short, sweet and straight to the point. I couldn't feel your characters fear so work on your interpretation of emotions.