Bizarre Chapter 1

BIZARRE
BY LORD SVA-TANTRA


This piece is inspired by 'the heart interlude' made by Lady GaGa.

CHAPTER 1

"Do it!" she says, with her heart still beating in her hands. "Eat it Vataar."
"Are you sure?" I ask, my hesitation clearly visible on my face.
She smiles and caresses my cheek. "Please, I want you to do it."
"OK." I say.
I take her hand and swallow her whole heart in one go.
It travels down into my stomach, filling me with a strange warmth I had never experienced before. I feel a soft, serene joy as her heart beats inside me; I feel a certain new connection between our souls.
I hug her, tight, so close to me that even air isn't able to pass through. An overwhelming ecstatic love fills me making me cry.
She wipes away my tears and whispers- "It's my turn now."
I smile and give in to her.
With a large grin on her face she tears my clothes off and rips open my chest. She pulls out my heart and downs it in a single gulp like a marvelous monster.
Strangely I feel no pain or not even any emptiness, rather a feeling of freedom fills me.
We hug again, harder than before. Our lips meet, our tongues play and soon the taste of our mouthes become one.
With our bodies still entwined and our lips still hugging, we listen to the rhythm both our hearts create and slowly we fall asleep, getting lost in our world where there is no one else except for us and our love.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

You have a good outline and idea however this is missing several key components.

First of all, it lacks description. How does the girl look like? What is her name? Where are they? What were they wearing? Try to be more descriptive with each scene as your piece is lacking some.

Second, it's short. There nothing wrong with it being a short chapter, but it's only around a hundred words. It seems more like a prologue instead of a chapter. Try to lengthen it with description, some back story, maybe how the two lovers were acting before they did... err... love making.

Third, it's very vague. It's vague and it lacks excitement. It doesn't have the spark that just draws me in a novel like Harry Potter or Percy Jackson.

There are some other small things that need to be tweaked but you can nit pick those out once you got the major three that's bugging me.

This has the potential to be great if you tweak it. I'm actually very curious on what's happening. It's usually the guy that pressures the girl into sex (Bell and Edward are one of the exceptions) and I like that title. And it's not because I named my fish that.

Nope, I totally lied. I was drawn to your piece because that's my goldfish named.

PM me if you edit. I really want to read more!

Lotsa , Nepo!

Hi! I agree completely with NepoGirl up there. It was good yet it lacked description.
Points
- Be more descriptive really show us what is going on here and put a detailed picture in our head. But remember to show, not tell. That really wasn't a problem here but it is easy to start when describing things.
- Then, use that description to really pull the reader in!

My Random Thoughts While Reading
- Whoa, they're ripping each others hearts out... And eating them? That's awkward, I like that
- Cool inspiration, Go Gaga!
- I want to definitely read more.
: D

PM me when you post more!
- Caroline

"Do it!", she says, with her heart still beating in her hands. "Eat it Vataar." What the H-E-Double hockey sticks? Why is he eating her heart? She needs that thing to live! Ha ha, I actually liked this opening. Draws a person in.

"Are you sure?", I ask, my hesitation clearly visible on my face.

She smiles and caresses my cheek. "Please, I want you to do it."

"OK." I say.

I take her hand and swallow her whole heart in one go.

It travels down into my stomach, filling me with a strange warmth I had never experienced before. I feel a soft, serene joy as her heart beats inside me; I feel a certain new connection between our souls.

I hug her, Take out this comma. tight, so close to me that even air isn't able to pass through. Pass through where? An overwhelming ecstatic love fills me, making me cry. Sort of feminine for a guy to be crying...

She wipes away my tears and whispers- "It's my turn now." It's weird how the girl is wiping away the guys tears.

I smile and give in to her.

With a large grin on her face she tears my clothes off and rips open my chest. She pulls out my heart and downs it in a single gulp like a marvelous monster.

Strangely, I feel no pain or not even any emptiness, rather a feeling of freedom fills me.

We hug again, harder than before. Our lips meet, our tongues play, and soon the taste of our mouths become one.

With our bodies still entwined, and our lips still hugging, we listen to the rhythm both our hearts create and slowly we fall asleep, getting lost in our world where there is no one else except for us and our love.

I really like the idea of this passage, but there needs to be more description! They are obviously not human, so I want to see you explain that. What are they? How do they look? Describe the process of tearing out and eating the heart. If you put more description into this, it could be amazing! And, also, it wouldn't be so short.

The boy is more like the girl in this relationship. He cries whereas the girl doesn't. Instead, the girl - who's name you have not given us - is wiping away the boys tears. You can either just switch points of view and change every 'he' to 'she' and vise versa, or you need to man up Vataar a bit.

As I said before, this was really good. I just want to see more description.

Loveless~