The Unsettled Lover

This is a perfect example of where you set out to write something, to put a thought in words, and it just turns into a completely different thing on its own. It just flowed out on its own. It's basically 3 1/3 haikus.


The Unsettled Lover

She gave me a smile.
and then we laughed and we loved.
Born is the mayfly.

A mayfly is crushed.
A noisome soul traded for
a thought soon to fade.

Its been awhile since
I’ve thought about those mayflies
I see all in one.
Then I feel all. I am lost.

Hello there TheModernist and welcome to YWS!

Woow, I liked this a lot. First of all, this was very deep, the meaning as well. I liked the quirkiness of it too, and the creative way you put the poem.

This was good, good job and I'm definitely looking forward to seeing more from you,

Hi,

Welcome to YWS! I hope you like it here.

I really like the form in the first two stanzas. It really compliments the content. I'd change the third line to "The mayfly is born" as the twisted syntax sounds forced and unnatural.

The second stanza is very effective and I like how the mayfly is carried over.

"Awhile" should be " a while". I'd change the third line to something more visual and either cut the last line completely or change it to something more visual and isolate it rather than tacking it on to the final stanza.

A very enjoyable read overall.

Hope this helps,

Jas