One Eye Open

Deleted

Hello there Forever Threnody .

I would call this piece very intelligent! I liked it a lot. The first paragraph was very well crafted and let's just say, as the story continued, I could not get enough. I was a bit worried when I browsed through at first and saw all the 'click', but I found out the genius behind them.

Good job and keep writing.

Hello, Forever! Just little ol' me here to review your story. Well, let's start.

A year, in reality, is not a particular amount of years, days, and weeks.

A year really can't be measured in an amount of years if it's just one year. Man, that sentence is confusing, but I suppose you understand what I'm getting at.

“Mr. Walsh. How are you.”

'How are you' is a question, therefor, a question mark is needed at the end. Such a simple mistake, I'm just pointing it out.

“Thank you#FF4000 ">, Ms. Nite”

You missed a comma and either a comma or a punctuation mark is need after "Ms. Nite". If you choose to put the comma, you will need to lower case the 'B' in the word following it.

I’ll leave you here to watch this story play out, you know where to go. Press the green button to move to the next memory, push the red one when you’re finished. I’ve also included a guide that will give you background information that will explain some of the sequences that play out.

I love this piece!

Her wings brush against the concrete wall#FF4000 ">, leaving a shimmery residue behind and she sits up straighter.

...that contrasts greatly with the sterilised white washed walls of her prison.

Just a few lines earlier, her wings were brushing against concrete. All of a sudden, the walls are white washed? Is it white washed concrete? Sorry, that just confused me a bit.

She’s never been outside before, but she imagines the feeling to be freeing and refreshing.

The phrase "to be" just doesn't sit right with this sentence. I imagine it being something more like 'of being'. Also, it should be 'free' not 'freeing', and 'refreshing' should be changed to 'refreshed'. If so, the sentence would read better, in my eyes anyway.

Rhett sits naked in a cold metal chair as doctors in lab coats, masks#FF4000 ">, and gloves measure and weigh him.

But#FF4000 ">, unlike Rhett, she still has her dreams to hide in when things get rough.

Okay, I really loved reading this! I especially loved the ending, but poor little Threnody. It's a shame she had to die. *sniffles* I like your writing style in this story, the way you made it feel like the reader was actually in it. I really wish there was more to it, but I'll settle for what you presented. Stay amazing!

Loveless~

It was excellently written, but with a few punctuation and spelling errors. Also, a little nitpicking--there are 52 weeks in a year, not 48.

For the spelling, it was just a few words, including rigorous (rigourous) and mold (mould), nothing much at all. There were a few places where you neglected commas or should change them to semicolons, like

She looks like her mother#FF0000 ">; the resemblance is startling.

and

Threnody takes a deep breath and leaps off the building#FF0000 ">; her butterfly-like wings flap the air.

Other than those few things, it was great; I especially liked the beginning.

~Mossyra

Hello, Forever. I will try my best at reviewing this.

The people above me got the minor mistakes that I noticed, so now all I have to offer is my advice.

This was a really good read, very intriguing and interesting, but I just wish it was longer. When I scrolled down, the clicks made me bite my nails, but, after reading on a bit more, I found the purpose in them. The way you wrote this was great, It seemed as if I was really inside the story. The first bit was my favorite part, your wording in it seemed effortless and flowed nicely.

It really was a shame poor Threnody had to die. I was really hoping her wings would carry her far away, but everything can't have a fairytale ending. I know this is a short story, but it also has a lot of potential as a novel. It's just great that way.

That's all I have to say. Bye-bye for now.

ReisePiecey!

I'm a little confused as to why the first few paragraphs had dividers between them. If they were talking about different subjects, sure, but they all seem to be connected by a common theme, so I wasn't sure why they were all being treated like separate things. I'd remove those dividers except for the one dividing the first few paragraphs from the main body of the story.

fire-walking an obese horse around the equator.

Wait... what? I like the way this sounds, but I can't say that I understand it. What exactly is fire-walking and why would it take a long time with an obese horse? But seriously, I love this sentence for some reason, even if I don't understand it at all.

(Rhett’s wings are scarlet and black and they look nothing at all like his sister’s.)

You had quite a few instances of parenthetical thought in the intro, but this is the first instance in the actual story and it feels a little out of place. Are the parentheses really necessary here? It seems you could put this information in there somewhere without them.

Parentheses are funky things. If you use them, it's best to use them fairly consistently so that they don't seem out of place. If you just use one or two in the entire body of the story, they seem to jump out of nowhere for no reason. The ones in the intro were fairly consistent and well done and so they work, but because their usage dwindled by the middle of the story, that single instance there seems strange.

She had told him earlier she’d gone to the roof, something that only could be done when most doctors were out.

I thought she had never been outside before. So how would they knew a) how to get on the roof and b) that it could only be done when most doctors were gone?

You put in numerals for "11th" and "15", but I would recommend that you spell them out. There is a rule somewhere for when to spell out numbers and when to have numerals. I don't remember it, but these two particular instances would look a bit better in the body of your story if they were spelled out.

I like this a lot. It is short, but I really did feel like I was there with the characters, seeing their struggles play out. I was a bit confused, however, as to how the beginning musings of time related to the rest of the story. Seriously, the beginning narration was what hooked me. It had so much personality and oomph. The personality and oomph continues on with the rest of the story, but the musings seem completely unrelated to the story being told. What does the perception of a year have to do with the rest of it? Sure, I can see that maybe the kids have had quite a few years in that place, but you don't mention it like that. All that comes across out of their story is the want for flight. It doesn't relate all that well back to the rest of the story.

Overall, a big thumbs up from me.

~GryphonFledgling