A Broken Eden

My first-ever attempt at a string of haikus, so please tell me if I messed up anywhere or if there's a rule that I missed. Thank you.


Bluebird painted black
As night falls upon the sky,
Color washed away.

The mountains like waves
Frozen from the earth’s great sea
Of an ancient fray.

The heavens alight
Where the stars are flung above
By the angel’s hand.

Silence is beauty
As all is now rendered still
By Nature’s command.

Ravens are the guards
For the aged gates have broken
To Eden’s entrance.

This place is not pure
As it always was before;
Hurt by Man’s persistence.

Okay, I liked the haiku's very much. Only a few nitpicks I think you should change:

StoryWeaver13 wrote:

Silence is beauty
As all is now rendered still -now should be know, yes ? (:
By Nature’s command.


This place is not pure
As it always was before;
Hurt by Man’s persistence.- I think persistence is 6 syllables.

It's okay to make mistakes in writing it's all apart of becoming a better one! Keep writing. (:

-M.

=( huhuhu... What a sad little earth are you portraying man!! Still I love it,,

StoryWeaver13 wrote:My first-ever attempt at a string of haikus, so please tell me if I messed up anywhere or if there's a rule that I missed. Thank you.


Bluebird painted black
As night falls upon the sky,
Color washed away.

The mountains like waves
Frozen from the earth’s great sea
Of an ancient fray.

The heavens alight
Where the stars are flung above
By the angel’s hand.

Silence is beauty
As all is now rendered still
By Nature’s command.

Ravens are the guards
For the aged gates have broken
To Eden’s entrance.

This place is not pure
As it always was before;
Hurt by Man’s persistence.

Hi StoryWeaver13! I am certain this was not your first attempt at haiku. It simply can't be. You must secretly be sneaking haikus all around your house, stuffing little scraps of paper with three-lined poems on them in the most obscure of places. People's first haikus are supposed to suck. Yours are ... well ... phenomenal.

I can find only one mistake; in the very last line of the poem, you have six syllables instead of five. Hurt-by-man's-per-sis-tance. 1-2-3-4-5-6. But it doesn't really matter. It's amazing anyway. Great work!

Hello StoryWeaver13,

first of all you have a very nice writing style, everything flowed rather nicely and if I do say so this is a wondrous first attempt. The imagery is very vivid especially having the restraint that haikus present.

However near the end it seems you've stumbled a bit, the last verse in particular. It seems it's ended rather abruptly, another verse in between the last two might have smooth the flow and as kitrosemon13 persistence should probably be substituted with a like word that's shorter. I think it's one of the biggies that threw you off hun.

Keep up the good work and much luck with your writing!