Suicidal

Written for a friend.

wishonafallingpetal wrote:Written for a friend.

The energy keeps dwindling from day to day
The will to keep trying is just fading away
To keep breaking down walls is a feat too great This line didn't have the same rhythm I found in the first two, but I think if you made it To keep breaking down walls is too great a feat. I don't know it is probably just me.
It’d be easier to quit than attempting the right way

To be gone and forgotten with no more pain inside
No more thoughts or actions, no emotions to hide
To be free of confusion, with no need to lie
No doubts or depression, no more need to cry

The temptation is growing, it will never stop It never will
The idea to end it all is not easily fought
A knife across wrists or too many pills popped For me the word Popped ruined the mood somewhat.
So easy just to end it all, the simplicity always sought

To just leave and not return, with no more confusion
No more hugs or smiles, no more happiness and fun
To be free of pain, no more finding shade from the sun
But more than that, finally no depression

My biggest complaint is the rhyming scheme. Because it seems like you meant to be one, but there isn't one. Or if there is I am missing it. You could make a few of the lines smoother, but besides that it is great.

Sorry I didn't help,
A. S.

This poem's OK for the most part...my main problem is with the last stanza where you really lose hold of the rhyme scheme (which seems a little shaky and overly sing-songy to begin with). The last one had a different pattern than the rest and there was something about it that just felt off. I think you could do a better job of wrapping it up. But also, I'm almost a little confused as to whether you're trying to talk him/her into or out of depression, because it seemed like some lines were saying some things and some lines others that really just made me a little befuddled when it came to your take on this whole thing. The message I got was "hey, suicide's easy; your depression ends, your name is forgotten, and the world just keeps on turnin'." But then you also point out that there are beautiful things in the world that would be a sad thing to miss out on. Sometimes though, when you said things like "no more depression," I didn't know if you meant because she committed suicide it would be lifted away or if you were promising that her depression would be lifted away. While I think you should keep the poem earnest, I also think you should focus more on the positives of life while reaching out to this person you're writing to. I know from experience how delicate a depressed person can be. So it's just my opinion that you should put more of a turn onto it to make the reader realize that, in the end, there's no question that suicide's the worse option.
I hope I'm not just rambling now. Keep writing,
StoryWeaver

personally i really liked the poem, because i understand the emotion in it. yes, i agree with the other comments, the rhyme scheme is a little off, but that is really the only problem i have with it. i really like that you wrote it for a friend, it shows that you care for her. i didnt think it was confusing at all. we need more peope like this in the world. the ones who have the bravery to write about this kind of stuff. kudos for you!

Hello there! I must say this was a very nice poem to read, with the exception for the rhyme stuff mentioned previously by others, and a few areas of....weird flow. But the point is, that this was very nice, and I agree with the comment about saying how nice it was you write this for a friend. So on that note, good job, and keep writing!