Taboo [1]

I'm going to write what I think as I go and give my overall thoughts at the end.

I liked your preface. The detail was great, it's very intriguing, and Lucus is very alluring. I wanted to read past it to see what happens next.
This line felt weird to me. "He was my age, seventeen, and knowing that I wondered why he hadn’t been adopted until this point." Mostly the last part. It doesn't flow very well. Maybe just put a period after seventeen and start a new sentence with I wondered.

Overall, I liked it. The plot is interesting and you did a good job of immediately putting conflict in the story. Not sure if it's the main conflict or part of the main conflict but it was intriguing none the less.
As for the characters, so far I like Lucus the most because he's the most interesting. The others are alright, I think Lilah's personality could be more prominent and probably the mom's too, but that will probably develop more throughout the story.
The only thing I think you could work on a little is the dialogue. It feels kind of awkward at times. Maybe it's just a refection of the awkward situation that's taking place, I don't know.

Hey, Pink!

Good storyline, it really makes you want to read more and more. For me, it was a bit like Twilight- having the mysterious, beautiful, strange boy of whom we do not know anything at first. To be honest, at the part later, when they are in the gym and you wrote that he wasn't even sweating, it really made me wonder too, if he was human.. But then I of course remembered him being woken up by Liliah and eating the food. But who knows, maybe I will be surprised in the upcoming parts... Hope you'll keep writing, cheers;
Lucy

Heya, Pink!

It's time to begin my part of our deal. I'll hopefully be able to review at least one chapter every day. It will probably vary depending on what homework I get given and how much spare time I have. I'll try my best to get them all done as soon as I possibly can.

His hair was dark and flopped over his head like a smooth flame.

This might sound a bit picky, but this stood out for me a bit because flames are reddish colours, not black or dark brown. It just seemed a teeny bit off to me.

She turned her emerald eyes in my direction. “Liliah, meet Lucas, your brother.”

“Liliah works part time at a diner so she never really had the time to come meet you, but she’s a nice girl and I know you two will get along well,” she said, taking off her jacket, “Why don’t you go and show him his room?”

The reason I highlighted this part in red was because it seemed like Lilah's mum was still talking to Lucas. All that you need to do is to mention her turning to Lucas or something, and it would be easier to read naturally.

“Okay.” I gave Lucas a grin and pulled his hand up the stairs. For some reason, he reminded me of a turtle, slow moving and undistracted.

“This is the bathroom, mom’s room, and this is my room,” I said, opening the door. The walls were robin’s egg blue with white borders. My bed was a queen size with bouncy white sheets and large fluffy pillows. My childhood dolls and stuffed animals sat impressively over my shelves. I never liked getting rid of things so the room looked pretty cluttered.

I'm being a bit picky again here, but I found this description kind of... bland, I guess? It almost felt as though you just put the description there for the sake of it really. That might just be me though because I have a thing about room descriptions...

He didn’t seem to be one bit interested, so I went to his door which was next to mine. “This is your room.”

He had a desk with a laptop on it, a few books and a TV with a set of video games and a stereo.

“Mom didn’t know what you really liked so she left it alone so you could paint it or do whatever you want with it,” I said to him, leaning on the door.

This bit of dialogue sounds a bit awkward to me. I think it's the repetition of the word so. I've actually noticed you using the word so quite a lot, by the way.

I had been an only child for a long time and having someone else, my age, to talk to was something I was looking forward to.

You don't actually need the comma's here.

“What do you think?” she asked eagerly. She pulled me onto the chair and sat down. She looked at me with wide curious eyes.

You started every sentence here with She. It sounded a bit uncomfortably repetitive. Try varying those sentences a bit.

She nodded, curving her lips. “So I asked for him right away.” She grabbed my hands and her eyes sparkled like stars. She was too happy for her own good and I was happy for her.

The last part of this kind of contradicts itself. I'm not sure if that's the word... but yeah. It's because Liliah claimed that her mother was too happy for her own good, yet she then said that Liliah was happy for her. Do you get what I mean?

“You know what they told me? He’s a super genius! In his school, he was ranked number one. He’s quite gifted but because of his bitter exterior, no one ever wanted to bring him into their home.” My mother frowned. “I wanted to help him…we have to help him,” she corrected. “Promise me, Liliah, that you’ll help him open himself up.”

The last part of this dialogue was a tad bit corny, but I can cope with it!

She grinned, lifting herself from the seat and began preparing the rest of dinner.

Liliah mentioned to Luke that she was the one preparing dinner. .

I mean, if my mother would feel better, than I would agree to anything.

Once I finished setting the table, mom came down with Luke. I told her to call him since he seemed pretty upset with me and I didn’t even know why. He sat down across from me and mom at the end of the table.

He's scaring me a bit...

“Wow, our first family dinner together,” she said, shifting around her chair.

Luke took a bite of the mashed potatoes and then looked up with his fork still in his mouth. Mom and I stared at him, anticipating some sort of answer. The corners of his lips tilted up slightly and that was all. He went back to silently eating his food.

Creepy...

I guessed he didn’t like the greens.

Overall

As a whole, I thought that this was a pretty good opening chapter, Pink. You've got some mystery in the form of a slightly creepy seventeen year old boy and the plot so far is pretty open, which is a good thing. I'm happy because from what I can tell of the novel so far, this is my kind of story. It's what I'd read naturally. Although, if anything vampire connected happens, I might have to cry. When it comes to your characters, I like them. Liliah's POV is pretty easy to flow comfortably and Luke's character is interesting, even if he does remind me of Edward Cullen a bit. I didn't really get much of an impression of Liliah's mum, but that's okay because this is only the first chapter. As for your grammar, I didn't notice anything terrible. You had the odd problem with commas, but nothing worth commenting on. Your spelling was great, so there's nothing to complain about there.

My main critique for this, I think, is something to do with Luke. It's actually kind of going against what others have said... I don't want to scare you by saying this, but he kind of reminds me of Edward Cullen... Whether you consider that as a good thing, I don't know, but I wouldn't necessarily say that it is. The main reason Edward Cullen came to mind is because Luke's character is rather similar in some ways to him. For example, Luke is mysterious, good looking, kind of creepy, silent etc. Are you beginning to see what I mean? Don't get me wrong, it's a good thing that Luke is mysterious because it keeps the reader captivated and interested in him. I'm just slightly concerned that when Luke eventually says something, it will be something mean because he doesn't want to let Liliah in or something. Luke and Liliah will end up together and Luke will be really protective over Liliah. That's similar to Edward and Bella's relationship in Twilight. For all I know, I could be having the completely wrong idea, so I'm not going to go into any more detail. I don't want to make any accusations after only reading one chapter!

The only other thing I have to say is actually connected to your characters again... This time though, it's Liliah. Her character's pretty entertaining, but a small part of me finds her a tad bit annoying. I read that you wanted her to come across as warm and kind, but she was edging on a bit annoying to me. I can't say much at all there, taking into account my MC in my novel... but I want her to come across as annoying, while you'd prefer Liliah to come across as warm hearted. I do think that she comes across as warm hearted, but the small, annoying part of her seems to grab my attention more.

It's just that she seems to be trying too hard with Luke. You probably want to give off this impression, but there was something a bit off about it to me. Frustratingly, I can't quite put my finger on it completely. I think it's partly because Liliah was asking a lot of questions about her future life with Luke and she seemed a bit overly peppy to me, maybe? I understand that Liliah was happy to be having a brother, but surely, there would be some part of her that feels the other way? I think that you should consider the negative thoughts about Luke she was having as well as the positive. Even happy, warm people have negative thoughts.

As a whole, I really do think that this novel has potential. There are a few small concerns that I have, but I won't judge until I read a few more chapters. There are a few things I think you could edit a bit, but nothing that can't be easily fixed. I'm looking forward to the next chapter!

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

First of all- I just noticed that this was posted on my birthday. Kudos for picking an awesome day to post it.

Okay- now- I thought this was really good. I thought that you could perhaps make a more realistic worry about his absolute chilliness between the mother and daughter, but otherwise, I think you hit this spot-on. It's interesting, well written, and very well balanced. I'm definitely looking forward to reading more.

Nice write!!

-Coral-

Your descriptiveness is beautiful. I truly appreciate finding young writers who can compose such amazing stories from bare nothing!

Hey Shear

Was going to review these all the other day, but Persephoneia beat me to it on exactly the same day, and I had noticed that we had been reviewing a lot of the same stuff and so I went and reviewed something else.

So blame her :3

Anyway, onto my review (hope I'm not repeating anyone - I didn't read any of the other comments).

The library was unoccupied and silent as a graveyard. I fixated my eyes on the white flakes which fell elegantly over the withering grass, leaving the lawn colorless.

I don't think withering is a word, "withered" is though. I like how you've said the lawn is colourless. It made me think and recall, that yes, white is a shade, not a colour.

Six years, I thought. Six long years I’ve watched your back without you knowing.

"I thought" shouldn't be in italics.

I'm a bit confused about Lucas' part here. Is it six years in the future?

At first I thought he was in the orphanage and thinking about his mother. But that seems really really weird.

1) How could he watch her if he didn't know where she was?
2) How could he look at her if she abandoned him?
3) Why would he call her "dove"? A tad creepy for a teenager to call his mother "dove".
4) If he's talking about his new foster mother, Liliah's mother hadn't been looking for a child for six years.

Yeah, this part tripped me up a bit.

He wasn’t ugly to say the least…

I think this would sound better inverted, "He was attractive to say the least."

Mom had her arm around his shoulder, smiling. It was the first time since my father’s death that she had smiled like that.

Without the "had" it sounds strange.

Disappointed, I put my arm down.

I think "humiliated" would work better here. Imagine yourself in her shoes. I would feel rejected.

For some reason he reminded me of a turtle, slow moving and undistracted.

Undistracted?

“Well, I’ll leave you be for a while. I prepared dinner so I’ll call you then…” I muttered, closing the door.

If she's already prepared dinner... then when is she going to call him? Get what I mean? Perhaps, "When I'm finished with dinner, I'll call you down."

Also, would it really be realistic that an orphanage is open late in the afternoon/around dinner time?

“What do you think?” she asked eagerly. She pulled me onto the chair and sat down. She looked at me with wide curious eyes.

I find this weird. If I was planning to adopt a child, I'd make sure my other children also got a say in who was going to join the family. There would be a lot of trips to the orphanage, and my family and I would select together.

“Yeah, can’t wait.” I looked over to see Luke pinching the peas on his plate with his fork.

What do you mean by pinching?

So, overall, I really like the premise of this story.

On to the next chapter

- Jai

Was going to review these all the other day, but Persephoneia beat me to it on exactly the same day, and I had noticed that we had been reviewing a lot of the same stuff and so I went and reviewed something else.

So blame her :3

haha, that's funny XD
By the way, I think...I love you :3
Bahaha, just kidding. But seriously, I'm super psyched that you actually came to review this for me! Thank you.

I'm a bit confused about Lucas' part here. Is it six years in the future?

Yes that part is in the future, by six years I think I should put that in somewhere, right?
Hooray for more editing!

I find this weird. If I was planning to adopt a child, I'd make sure my other children also got a say in who was going to join the family. There would be a lot of trips to the orphanage, and my family and I would select together.

Your right, I've been wanting to change that.

What do you mean by pinching?

I guess a lighter version of stabbing?

Anyways, still thank you for the review! You rock, Jai!
And everyone else who has been following or reading this. I want to give you all gifts!

~Pink

haha, that's funny XD
By the way, I think...I love you :3
Bahaha, just kidding. But seriously, I'm super psyched that you actually came to review this for me! Thank you.

No worries! I was going to review all the rest, but I kinda fell asleep on the couch watching Drawn Together after breakfast. I sleep too much TT_TT

What do you mean by pinching?

I guess a lighter version of stabbing?

I saw him with two forks and squeezing the peas between them, even though that's not what you meant

On to the second chapter, for real real, not for play play (too much Drawn Together - rots your brain [if you dare to watch it, try and ignore the beginning, the real clip starts at 0:44 seconds).

- Jai

I totally loved it! it is a really amazing story!. But even thought it's a cliche story, you made it seem not cliche. There are some words that are kinda odd xD. But i truly did love it, you're a great writer! hope to read some more of your stories!

~Book Person~

Yeah so I know this has been out for a bit but i see new chapters come out once in awhile so I finally decided to check it out! I say hurrah! You deserve all the exitement your getting!!!

Wow, I really like this I'm definatly going to read more of it

I liked it a lot. I thought it was cool that you made it about adpotion and the struggles of an adoption child. Its really true.

Okay, I hated it! I hated how the computer abruptly restarted! (gotcha *wink*) Anyway, hi, Miss Pink! I'm here to give you my review. =) I can't honestly read it again and point each nitpick I have, the reviewers above me have read through it anyway, I guess. So I'm of no use. I'll just tell you what I think so far.

First, I LOVE THE PICTURE! =)) I'm a fan of your artworks by the way. LOL
Okay, on with the work...

I think deleting "6 years later" before the prologue and putting "6 years ago" before the first chapter is better. Maybe it's just me, but reading "6 years later" feels a bit awkward, if you get what I mean. =| Anyhow, I love the prologue. It's simple, short, but fairly interesting.

The first chapter is cool, too. I'm interested on how Luke and Lliah's relationship will turn out. I just feel like there's gonna be something, something between those two. ROTFL After all, you put it in the romantic novels, didn't you? *laughs* I find the picture being Luke and Lliah. Awww...I'm excited now. =D/

Sorry if my computer had to shut down without any warning and delete everything that I had written. Yes, I hate it. *wink*

~~ Puppets ♥

WOW. I loved this story, it kept me hanging on every word. I can't wait until the next chapters. I saw a few errors but all the others got it. I loved it, you did an overall great job!



~Cassie~

Ok, I don't usually do this this way but because there has been so many replies, I can't see your chappy when I scroll. So, this way it is!


Prologue

(Lucas)

With the cold floor chilling my bare feet, I look out the dusty window of the orphanage. My hand touches the scratched glass and I listen to the graveyard silence of the library. White flakes fall over the withering glass, leaving the lawn colorless. Smokey breaths escape my lips as I study the white wonderland before me.

Six years, I think. Six long years I had constantly thought about you. You were the first person to enter my thoughts in the beginning of the day, and the last person to leave when I went to bed at night. I missed you, Liliah. But one meeting is enough to wreck havoc. One meeting is all I need in order to lose complete control.

Happiness is what you deserve…

But I couldn’t give that to you. Instead, I snatched away your love, your passion. I was no better than a thief. But I promise this time, I’ll really let you go and end all this unnecessary suffering.

My hand drops from the glass, tightening at my side. Swallowing the chilly air, I soften my gaze, loosing myself in the pure white snow.

Who would have guessed? Six years worth of flames weren’t enough to burn these memories.

I love the prologue but I can't remember if there was one before. And I have a question: what in the world is he doing in the orphanage six years later?_______________________________________________________________________________________

CHATPER ONE (LILIAH)


If the family were a fruit, it would be an orange, a circle of sections, held together but separable - each segment distinct. ~Letty Cottin Pogrebin



~~~


Six years before

I was all up for another addition to the family. Bringing home a puppy or a kitten, some sort of playful animal is what I had in mind when my mother decided she wanted to brighten up our home. Never in a hundred years had adoption crossed my mind.

It was hard not to stare at him and his dark, cold eyes. I wondered whether or not we Was Liliah part of the picking process? If not, then it would be her mom, not 'we' made the right decision in picking out Lucas. He was my age, seventeen, and knowing that, I wondered why he hadn’t been adopted by this point. It wasn’t normal to have such an old kid still in the orphanage…right?

Still keeping my gaze on him, I noticed his ebony hair flopped over his forehead in a smooth ash-colored flame. He was taller than me by an entire head, making me feel quite puny. A gray sweater snuggled I like the use of this word. It's very visual. around him and he wore some dark denim jeans.

Mom had her arm around his shoulder. She was smiling for the first time since my father’s death. Her straight teeth and mesmerizing smile made me lift the corner of my lips. Keeping my hand on the doorknob, I stepped back to allow them into the house.

“Welcome home,” Mom said with a warm voice. Turning her emerald eyes in my direction, she gave me a quick wink. “I finally brought your brother home.”

I smiled at him. “Hi,” I chirped. He was probably feeling uncomfortable, so I tried to be more inviting. Suddenly becoming part of a family wasn’t going to be an easy transaction transition, maybe? for him and I promised myself and Mom that I would do my best to comfort him. “Welcome home!” I reached out to shake his hand but he didn’t accept it. Humiliated, I put my arm down.

“Liliah works part time at the diner downtown, so that’s why she couldn’t come to the orphanage with me.” Mom turned me and asked, “By the way, how was work?”

“Same old, same old,” I shrugged in return.

She set her purse on the hallway table. “Why don’t you show Luke his room?”

“Okay, sure,” I answered, giving Lucas a grin. Pulling his sleeve, I motioned him towards the staircase. For some reason, he reminded me of a turtle, slow moving and never distracted. Always keeping his eyes in front of him, never looking around, in fact he looked like he was on a mission.

Once we reached the top of the stairs, he pulled his arm free and my fingers released their hold. Peering into his neutral expression, I wondered if I had gone overboard with the sleeve thing. He didn’t say anything, so I didn’t say anything either.

Mom’s room was downstairs, but our rooms were right next to each other. We had to share a bathroom but preparations were already made for that.

“This is my room,” I said, opening the door. My friends had told me my room matched my personality. Robin egg blue walls with white boarders, queen size bed with bouncy white pillows and a light colorful bed, painted my room. Mom said it was refreshing and cool. I told her my room was a place of serenity.

“I like to keep things so it’s kind of cluttered,” I mentioned as I pointed to my shelves of childhood toys and stuffed animals. I liked my memories, if I were to throw them away; it would be like throwing away a part of me.

He seemed to be rather unimpressed. So, I closed the door and turned towards his room. “This is your room.”

Opening the door himself, he stepped into the blank room. His eyes wandered the plain white walls and bed. He had a desk with a laptop on it, a few books next to the TV stand and a set of video games I had spent days picking out.

“Mom didn’t know what you really liked so she left the room alone. You can do whatever you want with it, just keep it clean,” I laughed, trying to break some ice.

Ignoring me, he sat on the bed. With a leap, I instantly hopped on next to him. He turned his icy eyes on me and I fought forward with a smile. “Can I call you Luke?” I asked, cheerfully.

His eyes dove deeper as if he were piercing me with a thousand needles. Picking myself off the bed slowly, I said, “Well, I’ll leave you be for a while. I’ll call you when dinner’s ready…” I muttered, closing the door. As I rested my back against it, I let out a sigh.

When my Mother told me she was thinking about adopting a boy, I was quite thrilled. The idea of having an older brother was exciting and my Mother and I spent long nights talking of all the possibilities. Being an only child was a bit tiring, to finally have someone my age to talk to, to lean on…well, I was looking forward to it. But the ways things were going now, I wasn’t quite sure that was going to happen.

Downstairs in the kitchen, Mom was preparing some plates. Her golden hair was tied up in a neat bun and she was wearing a skirt with a white collared shirt and slippers. Turning her head, she grinned at me.

“So, what do you think?” she asked eagerly. Pulling me onto a chair, she sat down and looked me curiously in the eyes.

“I’m sure we can all work it out,” I answered with a shrug. Honestly, I wasn’t sure why my mother was so keen on picking Luke out of all the other children, but I was sure she had her reasons. I would never doubt my mother’s choice.

“I thought I was going to adopt a younger boy,” Mom said, looking down at the table. “Someone younger but when I saw Lucas, he was just…I think we made the right choice,” she answered with a smile. “I like him, don’t you?” Here she says that she was thinking of getting a younger boy but up higher, Liliah said they were going to get someone older so she'd have someone to talk with...?

My mouth twisted and I forced a nod. Luke was cold to me, from what I had witnessed at the orphanage and through the last few months, he was much more attached to my mother than he was to me. In fact, we barely had much contact. Maybe the orphanage just couldn’t hold on to him, thus they probably let us off easily. I had heard that he declined all previous offers and we were the first ones who sparked his interest.

“He doesn’t really talk to me,” I whispered.

“Give him some time Liliah,” Mom said, getting up to finish dinner.

“Don’t worry Mom, I know,” I smiled. Luke wasn’t an idiot, from what I knew. He was a top student, brain almost as smart as Einstein. Grabbing an orange from the center of the table, I slowly began peeling away the skin, taking apart the segments. I wondered who the world was dumb enough to abandon such a smart kid, let alone never come back for him…

As I placed the orange in my mouth, I watched my Mother’s back as she moved around the kitchen. Two years ago, my Father passed away in a car accident. His death let my mother shattered to the point of depression. Constantly, she visited the hospital and took medication. Every passing day made her loose willpower and strength, that’s when I was convinced their love was stronger than any bond I had ever seen. When I told her to find someone new, in hopes of rejuvenating her sprit, she refused. “No one can replace your father,” is what she told me.

“Alright,” she grinned, licking her lips. “Dinner’s set.”

I told her to go fetch Luke since I wasn’t sure whether or not he and I were on friendly terms yet. He seemed angry with me, for some incomprehensible reason.

When he came down, he was in plain white shirt and some slacks. His hands dug into his pocket, his eyes strict as he sat down in front of me. Mom set the plates and then took a seat at the end of the table, between both of us.

“Wow, our first family dinner together,” She said lowercase s shifting around her chair. Picking up her fork, she flashed a row of white teeth. “What kinds of food do you like to eat, huh, Lucas?” she asked.

Luke took a bite of the mashed potatoes and then looked up with this fork still in his mouth. We stared at him, anticipating some sort of answer. The corners of his lips tilted up just slightly and that was all.

I turned towards Mom and she frowned. Clearing her throat, she said, “Well, school starts tomorrow for the both of you, excited?”

“I’m actually looking forward to going back,” I answered. Looking back at Luke, I could see him pinch the peas on his plate with his fork. I guess he didn’t like the greens. Suddenly, the thought of going to school together popped into my mind. How would it feel to walk to and from school with him? Maybe we shared some classes. Would he make friends? Would he be bullied? My stomach became heavy with the thought.

I peeked at him again. He was crouched over his plate with his elbow on the table. Slowly, his eyes lifted to mind and I felt like I had been struck by a long needle. I bit my lip, feeling immobilized. When he looked down again, I took in a small breath, wondering what he was thinking all this time.



We'll know but she won't, haha! ANyway, Pink, I much prefer this chapter. I mean, my memory is not phenomenal, because I read too darn much, but there are several points I remembered pointing out that were fixed. Dianne, hospital, meds, her room, Liliah's reaction to Luke. Nicely done.

Now, I know the editing process can be a pain, but this was done very smoothly, it seems.
Great job, Wifey, proud of you!
Tanya