Parasite

Parasite

Unknowingly entered but easily accepted
Initially unnoticed and seemingly fine
Careless actions and loss of judgment

You’re eating away at me
My insides are rotting… what insides?
I’m almost gone
Fragments of what used to be stomach remain

Your very nature is to thrive on my shortcomings
The ideal symbiotic bond broken from when you broke into me

I have no choice but to succumb to your needs
What I want doesn’t matter anymore
Who am I?
I can no longer discern me from you
You took and took
And now
I have nothing left to give you

You said you loved me
Tried to make us one
If you really loved me you would never hurt me like you did
Selfish cover-ups for your grandiose lie

You’re no lover
You’re merely a
P a r a s i t e

Must rid of you
Lest I’ll be gone forever
It’s time to suck the poison out

Hi,

Welcome to YWS! I hope you like it here.

The rhythm of the first stanza is great and I really love the final decisive line.

The imagery in the second stanza is great, but I'd read it aloud as it flows a little bumpily. I'd also read four and five aloud so you can get a better sense of the sound. I may try for long lines like you have at the start so the short lines in the last two stanzas are more powerful. I'd try and add more imagery; for example, stanza five is very direct. Instead of telling me how the speaker was let down by this person who claimed to love her, go back to your parasite idea. Try using detailed facts of what the person actually did to her and draw parallels with the idea of the parasite. I'd add punctuation, but that's just a personal preference.

Hope this helps,

Jas

This is good. It's very creative and a fresh take on an old idea. My only problem is that you're very sporadic with the length of your stanzas. You go from a two liner:

Your very nature is to thrive on my shortcomings
The ideal symbiotic bond broken from when you broke into me

to an uneven long stanza:

I have no choice but to succumb to your needs
What I want doesn’t matter anymore
Who am I?
I can no longer discern me from you
You took and took
And now
I have nothing left to give you

It's a different style, but I'm not too sure it's a good different. Other than that, good job, keep it up.

Hi,
I really liked this piece because of the description, it really painted a picture and it helped me visualize things like the having very little left of the stomach.
You write very similar to me i noticed - perhaps that's why i like it a lot. Ha ha.
If you want me to look at any other pieces then just let me know.
Oh and welcome to YWS! I hope you like it here.

This was amazing, not much wrong with this at all. A few periods maybe or a comma here and there but other than that this was beautiful in a sick way. My favorite part was :

beccalicious94 wrote:Parasite

Unknowingly entered but easily accepted, (add the punctuation marks)
Initially unnoticed and seemingly fine,
Careless actions and loss of judgment.

Nice job, keep writing! Message me if you have anymore questions.