Bird-Brain (Part 1) - UPDATED

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Rated 16+ for sexual innuendo (aka sexual references)
Hello. This is actually a part of my novel that I'm writing. But when I was done I thought it would also work pretty well as a short story. Hope you enjoy!

UPDATE: Added a middle part of this piece due to feedback. Hope it fleshes out the characters a bit. However. it does make this post a little long, sorry about that!
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Desmond Rabell was the star of the basketball team. He got decent grades too, at least good enough to keep his parents off his back. He could have gotten better, but he just didn’t see the point in school. When were you going to need to recite all 41 presidents? Instead, he concentrated all his energy on mastering basketball. If he kept up his number one spot, a basketball scholarship wasn’t far away. And being a senior in high school, he needed that if he wanted to go to a decent college.

But Desmond's greatest joy wasn’t basketball. It was his girlfriend, Diana. They had been together since sophomore year, and were about to celebrate their two year anniversary. She was gorgeous. Every time she smiled, the world seemed to stop for Desmond. Cute red hair fell down to her elbows. And her figure was amazing. He knew they were perfect together.

Ace, one of his friends, came to him after basketball practice one day. He was one of Desmond’s best friends, they had known each other since 5th grade. Desmond high-five’d him playfully, than continued changing.

“So,” Ace said, still in his uniform. “I hear you and Diana have been going for two years. Impressive.”

“Thanks man,” Desmond said. “How’s your girl?”

“You don’t even want to know,” Ace sighed, leaning against the locker. “She’s murk.”

Desmond finished changing and shut the locker. He grabbed his bag and followed Ace out of the changing room. It was after school, and he had promised Diana they would meet in an hour. Once they had got outside, Desmond immediately wished he had brought a coat. It was February, and even the air seemed frozen. He hurried to his car.

“So anyway,” Ace said after they were out. “I gotta ask.”

“What?” Desmond asked, close to his car.

“How many times have you done it with her?”

Desmond kept walking, pretending he hadn't heard the question.

“What, you can’t tell your best friend?” Ace asked, nudging him. “Don’t worry, I won’t judge. Sex is good, bro.”

Desmond sighed, his face quickly turning red. He was still a virgin. It wasn’t something he was ashamed of, but it also wasn’t something he felt comfortable telling. Almost all his friends had lost their’s already, including Ace. But Ace was his best friend, and he couldn’t just blow him off.

“I haven’t yet,” Desmond said quickly, and turned away from Ace, unlocking his car. He waited for a laugh, a snort, but none came. Desmond turned around, curious. He saw Ace with a big grin on him face.

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” he said. “Two years, and none at all? You have seen her naked at least, right?”

Desmond shook his head slowly. The closest they had come was seeing each other in a bathing suit.

Ace put a hand on Desmond shoulder, and looked his straight in the eye. "Then tonight's the night bud!" he said, giving him a heartily smack on the back. Desmond rubbed the back of him head, giving a half-hearted smile.

"Come on Ace, knock it off," he said, sounding like a little kid.

"I'm serious. What better night than on your second anniversary? And you're already going out to that expensive restaurant tonight, right? After all that, even the virgin Mary couldn't say no!" Ace said. Then he pushed Desmond into the car. "I don't want to see you again till your wiener's been satisfied!"

Desmond sat in the car, thinking about what Ace said. He did put up a good argument. Two years was a long time, and he knew they were going to do it eventually. So why not tonight? He backed up the car and drove to the restaurant. "But only if she's okay with it," he thought.

---------------

Thirty minutes later, Desmond arrived at the "super fancy expensive restaurant". It was really only an expensive fast food place, but both Diana and he liked it. Plus, there were waiters. A restaurant felt infinitely fancier if there was a waiter to show you to your table, and deliver the food. Once Desmond got seated, he waited for Diana to show up. While he was waiting, he thought about what his friend said. Was he really going to do it, tonight? He felt so unprepared. And how was he going to pop the question to her? How did somebody ask for sex? He contemplated indirectly implying it, delivering a long romantic speech, and just straight up asking. By the time Diana had showed up though, he had made no more progress than he had when he first sat down.

"Hi Des," Diana said, using his pet name.

"Hi Diana. You look great." She did. A red dress fitted tightly to her, revealing all those curves. By the most beautiful part of her was her face. She smiled at him, and he felt as if his heart warmed at the sight of it.

"Well aren't you the charmer?" she asked giggling. Desmond almost laughed too, as if her happiness was contagious.

Soon the waiter came to ask for their order. The menu consisted mostly of French fries and hamburgers, which was exactly what both of them ordered. Once the food came, Diana instantly dug into her cheeseburger. Even her carnivore instincts seemed cute to Desmond. She soon finished, and looked up at Desmond. He had only eaten half of his, his mind distracted.

"Wow, did I really just eat all that?" Diana asked, looking down at her empty plate in shock.

"Yep. Fatty," Desmond teased, even though she was in great shape.

"Oh come on, you suck!" Diana laughed, pulling his plate away from him. She took his half-eaten burger and brought it to her mouth. She pulled it towards her mouth in slow motion. Desmond laughed and reached across the table, swiping the burger from her. Then, he took a huge bite out of it, and stuck his tongue out at her.

They both sat there laughing, hardly able to breathe. Desmond almost chocked on that huge bite he had in his mouth, which just made Diana laugh even harder. They knew that people were staring at them, but it didn't matter. They were together, and the other people could just screw off.

After paying for the check, Desmond walked Diana to his car. They both got in, and he started driving her home. It was dark by then, and the car was freezing, even with the heat on. Diana leaned over and rested her head on Desmond's shoulder. "We're such kids," she said through chattering teeth.

Desmond gave a little smile, but he felt strange. Was he really going to have sex with this girl? She seemed so innocent. But deep down in him, he knew he wanted it. Just thinking of her in a bikini was enough for that. He drove in silence down the dark road, thoughts wrestling in his mind.

"So, Diana," he said after a long pause.

"Huh?" she asked, looking up at him.

"Wanna go... over to my house tonight?" Desmond asked slowly.

"Why, do you have a good movie to watch or something?"

"No, it's just that my Dad's is still working at the lab basically 24/7 and my Mom is out with her friends. It would be just the two of us."

Diana pulled her head away from his shoulder and looked at him. Desmond avoided her gaze, keeping his eyes on the road.

"Okay," she said tentatively. "If that's what you want to do."

Desmond soon arrived home, and pulled the car in. They hurried in the house together. Once inside, Desmond took off his coat. He walked into his room and sat on his bed, Diana plopping down next to him. He reached around and grabbed her shoulder, pulling them together.

"I love you," he said.

"I love you too," Diana said, giving his a kiss on the cheek. They sat together for a minute, as Desmond tried to gather the courage to ask the next question.

"Hey Diana," he said.

"What?" she replied. Desmond was about to ask the next question, but he freaked out, and got up suddenly.

"Um... I'm going to change into my pajamas," he said quickly. He walked over to his dresser, facing away from Diana. Desmond slipped off his shirt, suddenly feeling hot. He waited for a minute-, and decided it was now or never. "You can do this," he told himself. "Just ask."

He turned around and walked back to Diana, already shirtless. She looked surprised, but didn't say anything. She snuggled back up against Desmond, her hands wrapped around his bare skin. He felt safe in her grasp.

Desmond turned and looked her straight in the eyes. He slowly pulled back her long red hair, twirling it in his fingers. "Do you wanna stay here for the night?" he asked.

Diana looked shocked. She sat up, and stared at Desmond. "You mean like...?" she asked her, voice trailing off.

"Yeah," Desmond said his voice barely a whisper. The world seemed to stop for a moment as their eyes met. Desmond looked longingly into her eyes. He had never felt this alive. Diana slowly nodded her head at him, and the world began to spin.

---------------

The next two months went by as smooth as ever. Diana got accepted into a few great colleges, while Desmond was still waiting on his applications to return. His team had only lost one game so far that year. It was inevitable that at least one college would give him a nice scholarship. Still, that didn’t stop him from worrying like crazy. What if he had to go to some crazy school across the country and couldn’t see Diana anymore? Finally, a letter arrived in the mail from California University, his state school. Desmond feverishly opened it, trying not to hope for too much. But it was too late. He was already imagining big fat scholarships, getting the star role on the team. By the time he had pulled the paper out of the letter, he had already planned out his whole future. Now, with the paper in his hands, he almost didn’t want to unfold it. It could never be as good as what he had imagined. But still, he had to open it. So he slowly unfolded the letter, took a deep breath and started to read.

The next morning Desmond was bouncing around, a goofy grin spread across his face. He didn’t care that he looked like an idiot, he had gotten in! And it was going to be fully paid the first year, as long as he kept up both schoolwork and basketball. He couldn’t wait to tell Diana. He looked around, trying to find her. They always met by her locker before first period, but today she wasn’t there. He waited, wondering what happened. Was she just sick? By the time the tardy bell had rung, Desmond had given up on her. He could always call.

He walked slowly to his first period, disgruntled. On the way there he heard a strange sound coming from down the hallway. He walked towards it, so interested he forgot about getting to class. As he got closer, he realized that he was hearing someone crying. He looked around and saw Diana, huddled against the wall, with someone with her. Desperate sounds came from her like a lost baby. Desmond ran over to her, and bent down. Her whole body was shaking like a leaf in the wind.

“Diana, what…what happened?” he asked, his voice cracking. She didn’t say anything. The only time he had seen her like this was when her grandfather had died. But this seemed even worse. He looked at the person next to her, face desperate for any clues. The girl was Diana’s best friend, Lizzy, and she looked as helpless as Desmond did.

“Diana…?” Still nothing. He tried to comfort her, put she smacked his hand away immediately. Desmond was speechless. He felt so useless, but he didn’t know what to do. His mind was frozen, his body become numb. After what seemed like an eternity, she finally calmed down enough to stop sobbing.

“Diana, please, what’s wrong?” Desmond said pleading.

“I’m…it’s…” she stammered, gulping for air. Desmond warily put a hand on her shoulder and this time, she didn’t push his away. Finally, she lifted her face out and looked at Desmond. Diana’s entire face was red and puffy, her make-up blotched. Her mouth hung open, shaking uncontrollably. She looked at Desmond, piercing him with her desperate eyes.

“I…I’m pregnant.”
Last edited by Wariofart on Fri Jul 30, 2010 10:19 pm, edited 5 times in total.
"This is a song for a scribbled out name
That my love keeps writing again and again
And again"




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Phoenix lands to review

Desmond Rabell was the star of the basketball team. He got decent grades too, at least good enough to keep his parents off his back. He could have gotten better, but he just didn’t see the point in school. When were you going to need to recite all 41 presidents? Instead, he concentrated all his energy on mastering basketball. If he kept up his number one spot, a basketball scholarship wasn’t far away. And being a senior in high school, he needed that if he wanted to go to a decent college.


Not that interesting of a beginning and did you mean to put the 41 presidents to make him seem dumb? S

But Desmond's greatest joy wasn’t basketball. It was his 17 year old girlfriend, Diana.


I don't see why her age is relevant. Mentioning their class would be more effective. Plus when using numbers under like 100, spell it out.

They had been together since sophomore year, and were about to celebrate their two year anniversary.


See this is a perfect example of showing their age without telling it like was done above. Cut the above, keep this.

H was one of Desmond’s best friends, they had known each other since 5th grade.


he

Desmond high-five’d him playfully, than continued changing.


high-fiving already shows friendship and playfulness. The playfully is not needed.







The next two months went by as smooth as ever. Diana got accepted into a few great colleges, while Desmond was still waiting on his applications to return.


What is with the skip?

He was already imagining big fat scholarships, getting the star role on the team.


That sounds more like a casting for a play or something. Change the wording.



Desperate sounds came from her like a lost baby.


Interesting choice of words if what I assume is going to happen happens.


His mind was frozen, his body become numb. After what seemed like an eternity, she finally calmed down enough to stop sobbing.


became

Okay this was a nice piece but I found the skip a bit odd. I'm not saying you should have written the scene but the lead up as in the dinner. The moment he proposed they do it. Then fade to black. I mean a month skip is massive. Plus it took her months to figure out she was pregnant?

Phoenix flies away
This is one little planet in one tiny solar system in a galaxy that’s barely out of its diapers. I’m old, Dean. Very old. So I invite you to contemplate how insignificant I find you.

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Hey-oh!

Grammar-wise, there were a few issues, but overall fairly solid. Yet I really couldn't get into the story at all.

Characters
This was the main issue. They feel so flat, with no personalities at all. You say that Desmond and Diana are happy together, but we don't get to see them interact at all until she's telling him she's pregnant. How about we get to see them hanging out together and having a good time? Show that they love each other, but they're not constantly sexing each other up. Show us the characters in action, rather than just telling us. Show us Desmond practicing basketball but then stopping to say hi to Diana or something, to illustrate how much she means to him, even over basketball.

It comes down to the writerly adage "Show, don't Tell". Right now, you're telling us that Desmond doesn't care about school too much. You're telling us that he and Diana have a good relationship. How about showing us some stuff?

Time Skip!
Bu-bu-wha? That time skip comes out of nowhere and without resolution of whether or not Desmond and Diana spent the night together. Desmond's like "Only if she wants to," and then we don't find out if she did or not. You don't have to show the whole scene (and please don't... it never really works in writing at all), but maybe him and Diana on the date and then discussing it or something. Anything to let us know before the baby bomb actually drops so that we're prepared for it. As is, I was like "Well, I guess nothing happened" and then when Diana tells him the news, I was like "Wait, what? Was it with someone else? Or... what?" Yeah, serious confusion on my part.

Overall
Slow down. Take the time to let us get to know your characters so that we care about them. Show them interacting so we can see how their relationships with each other are. Take the time to describe them and their wants and dreams. Make us care, that's the main thing. Right now, the whole thing breezes on by so quickly we don't have time to care, even if we wanted to.

Keep on truckin'...

~GryphonFledgling
I am reminded of the babe by you.




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Hey, thanks for the reviews! I added a middle part to it, to try and flesh out the characters a little more. Please tell me how you think of it. (and I tried to cut the sex scene as short as possible, to save everyone's eyes)
"This is a song for a scribbled out name
That my love keeps writing again and again
And again"




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Heya. Here as requested. So, I don't really have any nitpicks that haven't been caught, so I'll give you my general impression and some stuff you might want to work on.

So, overall, this is interesting. I enjoyed most of it. Here's what I liked:

I liked how it all felt real. Like this could happen at your normal high school. You didn't use "big words", and it felt like it was being told from a high schooler's perspective. Which, of course, it was.

I enjoyed the dinner scene a lot. It gave Des and Diana more personality, and made them likable. They sounded like an adorable couple, and you kind of instantly liked them. Which made the "surprise" ending (I'll explain my quotes later) more dramatic.

Here's what I wasn't fond of:

Your characters are moderately developed. We know a lot about Des, he's fairly rounded. But Diana is still kind of flat. She's a sensitive, nice girl who likes meat... if she was the main character, I wouldn't want to read more. We need to know more about her. What's her family like? Does she do very well in school? Why does she like someone like Des? Is she popular? Does she have a feisty side? Telling us any one or more of these things will develop her further.I think giving us a flashback of when she and Des first met would help a lot. Did she do something quirky? Did they meet (for example)in science class, in detention, or on the court? Knowing these things will help develop her more as well.

I wasn't fond of your ending. I, personally, found it to be very predictable. Hence why I called it a "surprise". Pretty much from the time Ace pressured Des, I could tell that something would go wrong. It has become a mild cliche to have two happy characters have perfect lives that are suddenly ruined by pregnancy. I'm not asking you to change your whole story- but give us some time.Perhaps they...erm... "get together" more than once, and then she gets pregnant. That would be more interesting. It's like a consequence for being greedy, so to speak. Or maybe she doesn't tell Des right away. I think we need more time to get accustomed to your story before everything takes a downwards spiral. Then it will be less predictable as well.

So, I think that's all for now. Keep writing!

-Dreamy
Honey, you should see me in a crown.



The best speculative fiction peels your mind and shows you the familiar from a direction you have not looked in before
— Neil Gaiman