Scotch: Chapter One

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Chapter One


Writing in the corner of the bar was a young woman. She was shorter than average, maybe a little over five feet tall. She had brown hair that flowed down onto her chest. Her head was bent and her smooth hands hugged the paper gently. Her beautiful brown eyes moved swiftly across the paper as her pencil wrote down the words in her mind. Her lips moved ever so slightly as she sculpted the characters, the plot, the scene, making everything just as it should be. On her left arm was a sporty watch which she frequently glanced at, she was obviously waiting for someone. On the wrist of her right arm was a brown hair tie which she quickly used to put up her hair. She wasn't professional as she was sitting at a bar, drinking a shot of scotch, wearing jeans with holes, and a worn tee shirt that had a printing of two popular cartoon characters on it. She held her forehead in her left hand as her right hand gripped the pencil tightly and raced across the lines of the paper. She looked up at no one, and only said one sentence; "Please, another Scotch."

The bartender's name was Kyle. He was probably about average, or slightly above average height for a man. A good guess would be around five feet, ten inches. He had short brown hair that curved nicely around his face. He had seen the mysterious writer come in many times before, but today seemed off. It was almost a dangerous feel, but it drew his senses in. He found himself staring, almost unwillingly, at her. He didn't know her name, where she came from, if she had a boyfriend, or some other form of significant other. All he knew was that there was something different about her that forced him to want to be with her, and it puzzled him. A couple of times he thought about saying something to her. Asking her for her name, but he had decided against it. He just kept refilling her glass with more scotch, and each time there would be no thank you; nothing. She never looked at him except for on her way in and on her way out, but for some reason he knew that she felt something for him. If it wasn't love it was hate, and if it wasn't hate it was love. He had to say something before she just disappeared, and he never saw her again.

As Kyle stood at the bar watching her and serving everybody else, a sinister man walked through the door. His black trench coat soaked from the stormy weather outside. He wore a black fedora, the shadow fell upon his face, covering the vile deformities. He moved slowly, his right leg lagging behind, causing him to limp and wince at the pain of his wounded self. As the man moved, Kyle noted where he went, as he did with every customer. this man who, moved with evil intentions, moved towards the young woman. He sat down across from her, blocking Kyle's view. Kyle blinked. He shuddered as he realized that the once cheerful, noisy bar had become sullen and quiet. It was unnerving. People were whispering their conversations and glancing frightfully towards the dark stranger.

"You're late," the girl said with burning hatred towards the man, "You said you'd be here at ten o'clock. It's eleven thirty. What kept you?" Her voice was filled with anger.

"And you, my pet, are looking lovely as ever," his voice was calm, almost engaging as he attempted to capture her mind and soul with sweet words.

"Don't try my patience," she said, her eyes practically glowing with a fiery red, "Why did you want to meet me here in the first place?" she looked at him coldly as she slowly took the last sip of her shot of scotch. The despicable looking man stared calmly back into her bloodshot eyes. She waved her hand, beckoning the bartender. Kyle grabbed the bottle of scotch and hustled over to the table where the two enemies sat in a cold stare. Awkwardly, he poured the drink into the glass. The room quieted as the liquor splashed smoothly, filling the glass. He hurried off as the vile man glared at him, reminding him he was interrupting a very important conversation.

"The reason I asked you to meet me here, you shall soon find out, my pet. For I will make everything clear, but first you will answer a few of my questions, and truthfully, or I'm afraid you may never drink another shot of scotch," The man smiled cruelly at her pretty face.

"What are you playing at, Goad. Just tell me what you want from me, and I'll tell you if I'll help you," the sinister man, Goad, smiled with a toothy grin, and with a slight chuckle gave a simple reply;

"No, we will do things my way, or I'm afraid you won't be around to stop me, let alone argue about how we discuss your new job. Are we clear, my pet?" Goad smiled, crooked this time, and the girl's eyes began to look slightly scared, and very stressed.

"Ok, so let's get this started so I can go home. You kept me here longer than I wanted to be here in the first place."

"Oh, Anthoni Thorn, you silly girl, you have much left to learn. These things take time, planning, and patience. I see you don't have much of these things, but yes. We shall; how did you say that, get started," He smiled a crooked, vile, toothy grin, and laughed in the most manically diabolical way that the bar went silent, and people began shuffling out in fear of the man in the black trench coat and fedora.Kyle watched in silent horror as the conversation progressed, and turned into a disturbing interrogation.

"Do you have a boyfriend or any form of significant other?" Goad asked. It was a simple question, but because it was him asking, it was terrifying.

"No," Anthoni replied, her voice shaking, "I do not. I haven't for years," the man nodded, he looked slightly disappointed.

"If you did have a, shall we say, loved one, would you care enough about them that you would do anything in order to save them?" His eyes glowed in a thrillingly dangerous way. Anthoni's mind blanked. She had no way of knowing. If she truly loved someone, maybe, but if it was a temporary relationship she may have second thoughts on saving them. She opened her mouth, but then closed it as she didn't know how to answer Goad's frightful question.

"It really isn't a difficult question, my pet," Goad told her calmly, "A simple yes or no will do. Nothing more," He could see her mind was searching for an answer, and she was thinking to deeply for his liking, "In most cases, my pet, what would you answer?" His concerned look changed into a wicked smile as his evil genius mind took control.

"Well," she finally said, "I suppose I would, but I can never be sure," His face lit up with the pleasure of her answer being exactly what he was looking for.

"See, my pet," he said happily, "that was painless; now for my assignment," Anthoni looked at him, fear in her eyes, heart, and soul. She swallowed hard.

"What would you have me do?" the fear of the man's intentions making her voice and hands tremble. Goad looked at her and smiled his vile, sinister smile before speaking. He looked around the bar to ensure that no one was listening, then he spoke in an evil whisper;

"When you get your next boyfriend, you shall inform me. At that point, you will have given your allegiance to me, and if you do not do exactly what I tell you to do, your man, yes your beloved will die, and then if you still won't co-operate I will have you killed, and you will never be with him again. Are we clear?" His voice became tough and hoarse. Her eyes widened and caused her heart to race. She went to grab her half full glass of scotch, but her trembling hand couldn't quite grasp it, and as if it was in slow motion, the glass fell; the scotch splashing out of it, as it hit the hardwood floor of the bar and shattered into too many pieces to count. The room was silenced. It was so quiet, a pin could have dropped a mile away, and this bar would have heard it. It was dead silence. Anthoni gulped, and took a deep breath. Kyle looked at her, he saw the fear in her eyes and was suddenly afraid. She was one of his toughest customers, and she was in so much fear that it had a chain reaction. The entire room was more afraid than ever before.

"Well," Goad asked, slightly impatient, "Are we clear?" Anthoni nodded, her voice caught in her throat causing her to be completely speechless, "That's better. I knew we'd come to an agreement by the end of our little chat. Remember your duty. We made a deal. I've left my mark here, I'm done," and with that he stood, and slowly moved back out of the door in the same manner as he had arrived. His right leg lagging behind. He opened the door, and as he did the lightning struck and thunder roared. The bar stayed silent until the door slammed behind the dark, sinister man in the black trench coat and fedora. His laugh still rang clearly in their minds as the room began to stir back up and gossip started back up between the drinkers.
Love is poison. Ink is lethal.




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Hello there and welcome to YWS! I'm GryphonFledgling and I'll be your reviewer today!

Description Dump
You kinda hit us hard with the description at the beginning of the chapter. I mean, we haven't really gotten into the story or met the characters yet and we're learning what they look like. While it's nice to know what the characters look like, before we get to know them, we really don't care. We just haven't gotten to know them yet so what they look like doesn't matter. Better to introduce the characters doing something first and work in some description later.

Also, when writing description, it's okay to spread it around a little. You don't have to tell us every physical characteristic of your characters at one time. Sometimes it's better to start with just a little, maybe one detail or so, and then add to it later, pointing things out as actions call for it. For instance, you could start out with the fact that Anthoni was short, then later, have her play with her hair or brush it back or something and that's when you could mention that she's a brunette.

For the Evulz
The villain is kind of obvious. I mean, he just plain screams "villain". The first word you use to describe him is "sinister". There's no mystery, no wondering who's pulling the strings. We know who the villain is, we just have to find out what his plot is. And because he feels so much like your typical mustache-twirler, he's not all that interesting. He's just sort of there, evilly plotting things. There doesn't feel like there's any conflict or danger. Try for a little more mystery perhaps? Why did he meet with Anthoni? What made her come to meet him? He doesn't seem to have any leverage over her yet beyond vague threats, yet she is terrified by him. Why? Does she even know him?

Also, when he's asking if she had a boyfriend and threatening any future boyfriends: Isn't the solution to that just not to get a boyfriend? I mean, if she wants to avoid giving him something to threaten her with, it's as easy as just not dating, isn't it? I mean, he's acting like it's a given that she's going to end up with a boyfriend and that she will actually be willing to rat that future boyfriend out. Why?

Love at First Sight
I was a little confused as to why Kyle was in here. What purpose is he serving? Sure, he likes Anthoni, but why? Is it important to have him in now? Are you setting him up to be that boyfriend that will spell Anthoni's doom? As is, it feels really obvious. What if you were to introduce him after the conversation in the bar? Right now, he's not really doing anything anyway.

Meh
I wasn't sure what to make of Anthoni. She's just sittin' there, chillin', writin' her novel, waitin' for the creepy dude to show up. Isn't she nervous? What does she do for a living? Then he shows up and threatens her, so why did she come at all? Why was she writing a story while waiting? So, so many questions and none of them answered. I'm not really feeling it with Anthoni, simply because I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel. She doesn't seem to be feeling anything beyond fear. Why is she scared?

Overall
Methinks your characters could use some work. They all feel sort of flat, like cutouts of particular archetypes: the sweet guy with a crush, the troubled girl, the eeeeevil villain, and they don't really have their own quirks and depth. They just are there and they don't have anything for us to grab onto and fall in love with. Flesh 'em out, make 'em real people with real problems. Everyone reacts to things differently. Give the characters their own unique wants and fears and reactions. It'll make the story that much stronger.

Whew, kind of a long review, but it's because I want to see this become even better. PM me if you have any questions about anything. I'm really looking forward to seeing you around YWS!

~GryphonFledgling
I am reminded of the babe by you.




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Heey.
Im 15 too and i too have completed a piece of writing, but believe its not that good.
Really my impression of this chapter of 'Scotch' is excellently written.
You have detailed the characters enough to create an image in our minds, but not too much that its over powering the actual story, which is something thats important.
The settings is also well detailed as well as the actions in which 'Anthoni' is making. I am able to clearly imagine the poisition she is in and when she feels those strong emotions like anger or when she scared, Im able to feel that quite passionately.
The only point that i would have to be picky on is the falling in love at first sight thing. You introduce Kyle's love for Anthoni too early. You may want to reconsider leading in the love slowly and build up forr the extreme impact, which makes poeple go. "OMG!" :)
Other thannn that I think this is a brilliant && potientially author-like good chapter too start off a book :)

~ emiliedanae.



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