Speak Low If You Speak Love

OK. So this one is for all you Shakespeare fans out there! I wrote this is Shakespearian. It's about this lovesick guy wrting to this girl he likes (aww) Sorry for mistakes, I haven't studied shakespear a lot. I'm only fourteen so... Any way please review!


Speak back in haste, my love,
as impatiance runs through me more sinnfull than sinned.
It is crimson in my lips and in my cheeks,
Dearer than eyesight, are your lips tender and sweet.

Longing arth am I,
to kiss thy lips,
Glittering, pink as a rose, but not sticked.

How soft arth thy hands?
Nails also pink, not painted,
for the color of love cannot be faked,
Beauty is the sun that shines upon thy hair,


Oh, how can thy hurt a soul so harshly?
being a most gently floating feather in the summer sky,
I'd sooner to the coffin than not see thy faithful smile,
Hence, I shall sign off thou heartsick name,
in sighs my love, I hope to speak again.

Hello Sakura,

ummm well lets see here this piece can be improved, alot, well to me since it doesn't really grab my attention I felt as if it was too forced and perhaps you shouldn't of written this in shakespearian because if you haven't studied it for a while you won't be able to give it that easy flow like shakespear does. I enjoy the thought of it but when I tried to read it I felt as if I didn't need to read it since you told us what it was about, and I rather enjoy finding out what it's about myself. you are only 14 and it is a good thought, but go back and try to write it without trying to make it sound like shakespear because I'm sure you can put your own twist to make it genuinely unique and totally you. Don't force it just let it go with the flow k....I hope this helps in any way ^-^ keep writing k I know you can make this better.

Hey Sakura,

I understand the fascination with Shakespeare. However, he used this language four hundred years ago. We have a fascinating language of our own now, and there's lot of cool things to do with it. Regressing to early modern English in an attempt to appear intelligent or classical or I don't know what isn't such a good idea. This is awkward and also comes off as a spoof, but I'm not sure you really intended that. The worst part is you even admit to not knowing Shakespeare very well, or how to spell his name. Without research (or apparent effort to research) this is barely worth my time to read, I'm sorry to say.

Stick to modern English -- it will serve you well.

Cheers,

Jack.

Okay, I'm going to shoot from the hip.

The biggest problem with this poem is theme. Shakespeare was instrumental in influencing how we write (and what we write about) in poems today, and in this poem you have chosen his most popular theme- love. It's a tough act to follow, and you made a good stab at it but it falls short of being totally original.

You've done a lot to tell us what the speaker is feeling, but you need to show us through more dramatic methods. In short, you became preoccupied in trying to emulate Shakespeare's style and kind of lost your way, resulting the poem not reaching a strong enough conclusion.

Speak back in haste, my love,
as impatiance runs through me more sinnfull than sinned.

I'm not going to bang on about this- but spelling mistakes definitely don't help. The second line of the first stansa doesn't even really seem to make much sense. More 'sinful than sinned?' I don't understand this. Develop on this more. That's the key to showing the reader. Take a small concept and develop and develop it until it's something new and shocking. Use more metaphors.

Longing arth am I,
to kiss thy lips

This could be improved. These lines are quite cliched.

I do like the poem, however. It's beautiful in places to read, and it's very pleasing to the ear. The style is certainly spot on, you just need to take what you've written here, leave it a few days and when you get back to it with a fresh mind, take a red pen and underline ideas and concepts that have been mentioned before.

Good luck!