The old train tracks.

Hi I entered this into a comp a while back and just recived a letter saying it got choosen into the top 100 and they going to publish it into a book with other peoples poetry. It may also get put into the top 50 and I will have to go and perform it! And if I win I get a top of the range Laptop so what do you guys think ( it cant be chanted aswell)

I remember that day, 
The day you wisked my heart away,
I had never felt this way before,
Everyday I loved you more.

It was hard to explain,
The strange pain,
I used to feel when you were near,
Now your letters crumpled in my hand,
And my mouth is as dry as sand.

The salty tears fall down my face today,
As I think about that day you went away,
You never kept you promise to come back,
But I still always wait at the old train tracks.



Hope you enjoyed !

Loved It! you're a wonderful poet

- Jessie

Very good. Very good rhythm, even though you diverged from your pattern briefly. I understood what you were saying, and you gave just enough detail to make it real. No errors, no confusion, no misspellings. There isn't much I can really help with or suggest since your level of poetry is way beyond mine, so I hope this post at least encourages you to write more ^-^!

Great! Very interesting and I like it.. keep up the good work..

rebelinsilence wrote:I remember that day, 
The day you wisked my heart away,
I had never felt this way before,
Everyday I loved you more.

It was hard to explain,
The strange pain,
I used to feel when you were near,
Now your letters crumpled in my hand,
And my mouth is as dry as sand.

The salty tears fall down my face today,
As I think about that day you went away,
You never kept you promise to come back,
But I still always wait at the old train tracks.



Hope you enjoyed !

Hey,

I think I know the competition you're on about. Mine is also getting published. If I get invited to the reading of them, I know I will not win next to this. It is truly amazing. Well done:D

Hey rebel, Stella here!

The day you wisked my heart away,

whisked.

Now your letters crumpled in my hand,

letter's?

Alright, overall, I have nothing against rhyming poetry. In fact, I like the structure it gives a poem. My problem here is that your structure is ruined in your second stanza by an extra line. It annoys me. You could maybe get away with it if the poem was longer, but right now, that "near" is sticking out at me like a sore thumb. Also- sand can be wet. You know, wet sand?

This poem tells a story and I like that But I'd like to see a little more imagery, because what you do have is very nice. And maybe jig the rhyming around a bit, it does have that sort of forced feel about it. But that'll go with practice.

Glad you did well in the contest!

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x

I love short, concise, simple poems, but they have to be sharp either a rapier or a sledgehammer. Unfortunately, I didn't feel stabbed or pummeled. The first stanza is good, and the last is great. The second, and I don't know what it is exactly, could use something. For me, I feel like it's missing that killer image or that well-put phrase, but to do that may mean sacrificing the the rhyme or the rhythm. Just some thoughts, other wise it's a pretty solid poem.

The Modernist

Hey, this is a broad poem, well put together and accessible to a lot of people. Probably why it achieved a lot of success- well done about that by the way! A small suggestion:

I feel this would look better with a full stop at the end. It make the sentence stronger.

I remember that day,
The day you wisked my heart away.

The progression of the poem is great too, it almost ticks every rule in the box for punctuation, tone and meter. So well done! I did think it could have been developed a bit more, what exactly happened to turn the speakers mouth to sand? I'm a sucker for always wanting to know more from poems! I especially liked the end, too. I'm big into lyric writing and this definitely has potential for a song, as well.

Cheers,

Eimear.

May I ask what competition you guys are talking about? I'm interested in trying!