The Diary Of Jane Chapter 3

4 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1057
Reviews 63
Chapter 3,

Helpless Hope

I couldn't make sense of this, Jane was dead and yet she was here. I was standing within arms length. What was going on here ? She looked me down with a frown then sighed and smiled. A warm smile that remind me of the stories she told me when I was an infant.
"Pretty Alex. Shouldn't you be at school already ?" she asked.
"I came up here to find something." I stuttered.
"Oh? Something about me ?" she said, then suddenly I was looking into an empty door frame. A cold gust of wind blew and ruffled my hair, I turned quickly toward the wind and saw Jane sitting by the box.
"I miss these days, going through my old things were one of my favorite pass times, you know. A lot to look through, " then she sighed again, " Yes so much...."
She looked up at me then. She looked alive, but her skin was a bit see-through. She was wearing a cap, shorts, and a t-shirt that said 'Forever The Sickest Kids' a band I listened to all the time. She wasn't wearing any shoes and her hair was curled into ringlets. She was stunningly beautiful, and I began to grow jealous. I wasn't ugly, my mom told me I wasn't all the time. But I sometimes found that hard to believe.
"Alex, this is not good for you. You needn't concern yourself with things that are not of your understanding. You must realize I made my own choice. You cannot change anything, you cannot do anything. You should quit while you're ahead. It would be much less painful for us all."
"No. I need you, Jane! Now more than ever. I don't understand much, but you have to help me. I'm losing sight of who I am. Why won't you help me ? Tell me a story like old times, Jane. Please."
She pursed her lips then rolled her eyes," I suppose you get your drama skills from my stories. But I guess one more wouldn't hurt....This isn't going to be a story though, it's going to be pictures that I drew. Each one of them has something special about them. I wrote something on the back of each one. I want you to read them aloud to me."
"Where are the pictures?" I ask.
"Under that stack of paper next to my baby picture."
I found three pictures, one that was a lamp in the desert, filled in the back ground were tiny stars and the moon. On the back of it three lines painted a new picture in my head:

Over a valley when the sun sets at night,
a little bright lamp fills the sky.
Then as it brightens our hearts begin to fly.
-J.C.

The next was a lunch box painting, with a hippie van on the sticker:

The only war is the war within ourselves,
The only anger we have is to something we don't like.
If we could only enjoy the little things, life would be better.
-J.C.

The next was a grave stone and a broken stick man lay dead in a coffin underground, this one was the hardest to read aloud. I looked at Jane and she was looking at the picture.
"It's okay, I'll read this one for you."
She read:

Even when darkness falls and trees die,
even when the world feels lost and you are helpless,
you help by staying alive, if you dare to care...
Please don't die. Keep hope alive.
-Matthew & J.C.

I look up for Jane to only see a tear trickle down her eye. She sighs once more and disappears into the light of morning. I sit there for a moment and collapse. I cry and cry for hours, Jane didn't return that day. Which made it worse.
Last edited by kitrosemon13 on Tue Jul 27, 2010 7:59 pm, edited 2 times in total.
Pain is beautiful, when you feel pain you know you're alive. -Criss Angel




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 10397
Reviews 93
Hey kitrosemon13!
I love the song reference in the title, it's truly an powerful song (: and same with the Forever The Sickest Kids reference in the text, they are amazing!!

Anyways, I'd just like to let you know that I haven't read any of your other chapters, but this seemed pretty interested, so I just might(: So I can't comment on anything plot wise, but I can help you with some grammar!

I couldn't make sense of this, Jane was dead and yet she was here. I was standing within arms length. What was going on here ? She looked me down with a frown then sighed and smiled. A warm smile that remind me of the stories she told me when I was an infant.

This paragraph has too many simple sentences, sometimes that works, but in this case it just came off as awkward. You should also bring out the confusion more in the main character! The sentences in in blue needs to be rewritten. There are too many facial expressions. It doesn't help the story at all to say that Jane frowned and sighed. Instead, just focus on the smile! But also too, how would the MC remember what it was like for Jane to smile when she would tell the MC stories as a kid?

She wasn't wearing any shoes and her hair was curled into ringlets. She was stunningly beautiful, and I began to grow jealous.

Describe the jealously in detail!!!

I up for Jane to only see a tear trickle down her eye. She sighs once more and disappears into the light of morning. I sit there for a moment and collapse. I cry and cry for hours, Jane didn't return that day. Which made it worse.

Bring out the emotion in this scene!! I cannot stress enough how much emotion is needed because it is how the reader connects to the MC.

Best of luck with your story! PM me with any questions!
-SodapopLunchbox
I hope you like the stars I stole for you,
One hundred million twinkle lights in neon blue.
I'll be the brightest,
You'll see!




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 19189
Reviews 110
Hello!
This continues to be interesting. However, this piece is lacking emotion. It's quite hard to relate to the MC at the moment.
That said, this story does have potential, and with a bit of work could be very good.

"I came up here to find something." I said.


Describe how the MC said this - at the moment I get the impression that she doesn't find it at all strange that she's talking to her dead sister. Something like 'I stuttered' would work better.

She was stunningly beautiful, and I began to grow jealous.


Maybe her ghost-like quality makes her even more beautiful? Expand here. Also, explain why the MC is jealous: does she see herself as plain, or ugly?

"No. I need you, Jane! Now more than ever. I don't understand much, but you have to help me. I'm losing sight of who I am. Why won't you help me ? Tell me a story like old times, Jane. Please."


I was a little surprised by this reaction. Wouldn't the MC be more interested in where Jane had been for the past few years? What death felt like? Is the only thing she can think to ask Jane to tell her a story? It just seems a little unrealistic to me.

I found three pictures, one that was a lamp in the desert, filled in the back ground were tiny stars and the moon.


Seeing as Jane drew this, maybe it would be good to describe how it was drawn. Is it a good drawing? Is Jane a good artist?

even when the world fells lost and you are helpless


*feels :)

I sit there for a moment and collapse. I cry and cry for hours, Jane didn't return that day. Which made it worse.


Because I wasn't able to connect with the MC, I didn't feel her sadness. Put more emotion in this: what does it feel like to lose her sister again? I want to see her grief - does it hurt, if so, where?

Overall

This is definitly a great idea for a story, and your grammar and spelling is good. With more emotion, and, at times, more description, I would be able to understand the MC. Make sure to add a lot of emotion: this is, after all, a very emotional thing that's happening to Alex. Does seeing her sister again make her feel slightly happy? Or just sad?

Hope I helped, and keep writing!!

~Lilicia :)
“Life itself is the most wonderful fairy tale.”

~Hans Christan Andersen




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 37146
Reviews 556
Hello there :) I finally made it.

I'm not going to say much because the previous reviewers have already touched what I wanted to say. I think that your story is not realistic enough because it lacks emotion. It also lacks a lot of detail. You have so many great ideas, you just don't expand them enough to my satisfaction which leaves me hanging at some points. This also pulls away the quality aspect from your story.
However, this is a great improvement from the work I've seen from you. The first paragraph was very well written, your grammar has improved and so is your punctuation. Your storytelling ability is getting there, so keep on writing.

Good luck with your story ;)
The best is what you make it!

...eh, need a review? Click me!



Have a biscuit, Potter.
— Professor McGonagall