Mirror (4)

2 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 4134
Reviews 61
Hey guys, so I was going through some of my work. I stumbled across this, I had been writing this SEVERAL months ago. It is the longest I have ever written, and suddenly I stopped, mid-novel. Writer's block. So, I'm heavily revising it, and posting bits and pieces of it, hoping I will get inspired somehow to continue.

Darkness. That was all Delilah could see in her dream that night, her dream-self screamed in terror. She ran though the darkness with all of her might; with no signs of getting out. Suddenly, as if she blinked, and she was in hell. Fire and brimstone surrounded her. Her skin burnt, eyes felt as if they would melt inside the sockets. She twisted her ankle on a rock, and fell to the ground. Pain rushed through her leg like an ocean. Fire rolled up, licking at her feet. A dark, grim beast erupted from the lava. Delilah squirmed back, but a mighty force was pushing her closer to the dreadful beast. It had a wolf-like face, cursed with at least a thousand years of mange. The behemoth’s eyes shone crimson in the firelight. His blood-stained fangs dripped saliva. The droplets fell into the lava, causing more smoke to erupt from the scarlet sea. The creature’s body was rigid with scales and battle scars, it had bat-like wings that were rotten with age. What Delilah was most in awe about was the monster’s massive size, she was a mere ant compared to his mountainous size. Delilah wanted to wake, tried to wake herself up; it was like she was there. It’s large, bird-like talons reached down to her and grabbed her by the throat, picking her up like a rag doll. Her throat closed up, she tried to breathe, but the monster held his grip tight, like a scalpel into flesh. She felt warm liquid begin to ooze down her neck.
Blood! she thought in horror, but before she could begin to panic. He opened his mouth to speak. His large fangs was as long as Delilah. The monster’s breath smelled like rotten flesh, it heaved in a breath and spoke in an demonic voice.
“I am not going to kill you… yet. I‘m going to make you suffer the most worse possible pain a mortal like you could endure.” Saliva sprayed across Delilah’s body, as his talons sunk in deeper.
“W-why?” Delilah spoke, her fight for oxygen was becoming more challenging as each second passed.
“Because, I will not let you kill me first.”
The monster snarled. His talons eased a tiny amount, as a hand came from the other side of the beast. He produced a small -well at least small to the beast, it was huge to Delilah- hypodermic full of bright red liquid. Delilah’s body began to violently shake as the needle inched closer to her. The behemoth began to laugh as the instrument’s tip broke Delilah’s skin.
She screamed with all her might, every last vapor of oxygen in her lungs escaped at once. Her lungs burned, as if the were about to melt. Her whole body felt as if it were melting. Her tears stung her skin, like acid to flesh. Her skull felt as if it were being crushed. Her mind begged and pleaded for her to wake up.
God please help me.

Delilah shot out of her bed, gasping for breath. It was such comfort, to feel oxygen rush into her lungs. Her body still felt on fire, she tried to scream, but couldn't’t find the words. She pushed the covers off of her body and rushed into her bathroom. Her reflection startled her. Her neck was bright red, stained in blood, yet the blood was seeming to disappear like a magic trick. Steadily the blood traveled upwards, back into the deep cuts in her neck, slowly the cuts sealed up too. It was like she was fast healing, scars formed, then vanished too. The injection site, where the demon had poisoned her, left a small asterisk, as if it were a reminder. Delilah wet a small towel and washed her face, Tears fell down her face, she had never experienced such fear or pain in all her life. Her hands trembled like an earthquake. She crawled back into bed, pulled the covers around her, hugging her pillow close to her body. Tears ran down her face, she glanced up at the clock, six-thirty. A sense of comfort washed over her, it seemed like a rain-drop in an ocean. Knowing that the sun would soon rise, and a new day would begin.

After she got dressed that morning, and ate a bite; she looked out the window and noticed that the house across the street was sold, and movers was moving furniture into the home.
“Morning Delly, I was about to tell you, in a little bit we’ll head over and welcome our new neighbors,” her mother informed her.
“’Kay, do you know anything about them?” a sense of curiosity washed over her.
“Not a thing,” her mother shrugged.
Delilah was interrupted from her stare by the ringing of a telephone.
“Hello?” she answered it.
“Delilah, i-it’s Johnny,” A smooth-talking, male voice spoke on the other end.
Instantly, Delilah lost her interest in her new neighbors. Her body began to quake in hatred.
“What do you want?” her voice sounding just like the anger in her thoughts.
“I-I just wanted to tell you that what you saw me and Cathy doing, was nothing at all, y-you just misunderstood.”
“Oh, I see, pushing her up against the lockers, and kissing her like it would be that last time you would kiss a person again.. That was all a misunderstanding?” she shouted, anger filling up inside her like a balloon ready to burst.
“Well… Yeah.” the voice stuttered.
“So, not only do you cheat on me, with my best friend. But you also take me for a fool? No, Johnny, it’s over! You understand me? O-V-E-R! Don’t call me, don‘t come to my house, don‘t ever speak to me again! Tell your new girlfriend the same thing too!” she screamed.
“But-but, baby…” he wined.
“You can go jump off a bridge for all I care.” she yelled and hung up. Fury coursed through her veins like venom.
“Who was that?” Carter walked in.
“No one.”
“That was Johnny wasn’t it?” he sneered.
“Shut up! Leave me alone!” Delilah screamed as she threw the cordless phone at him.
She ran upstairs, tears streaming down her face.
I can’t take it anymore!
Thoughts raced through her head, as she slammed the door to her room. She sat on her bed, pillow hugged to her body like a mother to her child. She turned her mp3 player on and drowned her sorrow in music, tears continued to spill from her eyes. Flashbacks played though her head of the day her and Johnny first went out; to the movies. She remembered his laugh, that’s what attracted him to her in the first place, his short, soft, dark brown hair. She loved to run her fingers through it. Then her mind jumped to when she saw Johnny and Catherine together. Pure outrage went though her that made her joints weak. She cursed both of them, she couldn‘t believe Cathy would do such a thing. She wanted to slap both of them, but she did not want to ruin her perfect record of non-violence.
Her mind continued to float through memories.
Then, on Friday, when she came home to the news of her grandfather’s death. She collapsed into her father’s arms, who gently led her to the couch, where her mother was quick to let Delilah fall into her arms, sobs filled the room that day. Nothing but emotions of sadness, anger, and misery has filled that room ever since.
What the heck have I done to deserve all of this?! She thought to herself.
A knock on her door startled her, she shut of her music player.
“Yeah?” She cried, choking on her sobs, trying to hide the anguish that engulfed her.
“Get presentable, dear. We’ll go over and greet our new neighbors as soon as you get ready.”
“M’kay…” Delilah spoke, trying to wipe her face free of tears.
Great, the last thing I want to do right now is be around people…
She got up and changed into a light-blue top, fixed her hair into a ponytail, and viewed her reflection in her new mirror.
She sighed, “Sometimes I wish I could just leave this life.”
Those would be the last words she would speak on planet earth for a very, very long time.
Star light; star bright,
It is time to take flight.
Off I go through the dark of night.
All my hopes and dreams in sight.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1305
Reviews 59
Howdy! It's Jessica, here on request! First of all I thought it was phenomenal! : D You definitely had me hooked from the beginning.

> I would have liked to know more about who the main character is
> You narrating wasn't bad at all but make sure to show instead of tell

LittlePetRock wrote:Suddenly, as if she blinked, and she was in hell.

Suddenly, as if she had blinked, she was in hell. I don't think you really needed the and, it sounds better with out it.

LittlePetRock wrote:“I am not going to kill you… yet. I‘m going to make you suffer the most worse possible pain a mortal like you could endure.” Saliva sprayed across Delilah’s body, as his talons sunk in deeper.
“W-why?” Delilah spoke, her fight for oxygen was becoming more challenging as each second passed.
“Because, I will not let you kill me first.”


So, the monster tells her it is going to make her suffer. She asks him why and he says he won't let her kill him first. This came across a bit awkward to me.

LittlePetRock wrote:Fire rolled up, licking at her feet. A dark, grim beast erupted from the lava. Delilah squirmed back, but a mighty force was pushing her closer to the dreadful beast. It had a wolf-like face, cursed with at least a thousand years of mange


Flames licked at her feet, the smoke curling around her body and causing Delilah to cough. A dark, sinister beast erupted from the bubbling, red lava. Delilah tried to control herself, but a mighty force was pushing her to the dreadful monster, like an invisible rope was rapped around her; the monster tugging on the opposite end with all his might. It's wolf-like face sending chills down her spine. Just a suggestion. : )

Overall, I think you should definitely keep writing this, because you're a very good writer and this is a wonderful read.
Feel free to run a message by me if you need a review on anything else or just wanna chat

: )

- Jessica
"They can put me in prison but they can't stop my face from breakin' out."

" A smile is a curve that can set a lot of things straight."

-Adam Young, My Hero <3



The reason a boat sinks isn't the water around it. It sinks when water gets into it. Don't let what's happening around you weigh you down.
— dalisay