Chocolate: A Story of Friendship (contest entry)

Five moments. Five years. Two people. One friendship. Countless chocolates.

Ella stared at the cart in front of her. Different colors, shapes, sizes, labels, nearly none of which she recognized. "Um... er... I'll have..."

"She'll have a pack of chocolates." a sweet voice said behind her, clear and strong. Ella turned. The voice came from a tiny little thing, her age, at most. Unevenly cut short black hair, streaked with hot pink, blonde, and royal blue. Electric blue, almond shaped eyes, black nails, neon colored clothes, skinny jeans and neon green shoelaces. Ella's eyebrows rose a hair's breadth.

The girl skipped up, spiked bangles jingling. "I'll have a pack too." She slid a thin stack of bills over the table and smiled brightly. Two cream colored boxes were handed to her, and with a chipper "Thank you!" she had grabbed Ella's arm and was walking briskly down the corridor.

"You can thank me later. Some of those candies make you speak in riddles for three hours." the girl said in a low voice, pulling Ella into a cabin and onto a seat. "I'm Lena, by the way."

"Ella."

"Nice to meet you, Ella. Wait... Ella as in... Ella Swift?"

Ella nodded, trying not to sigh. Did everyone know she was the girl whose parents got shot? And that thought brought up a whole other round of emotions in her. It had been six years, and yet the images still haunted her. And because she had fought back so strongly, because the killer was so well known, because she was the daughter of the two people who were on the verge of ending a war, she had received a legacy she didn't want.

"Cool. Now, those have caramel, those have strawberry, which I don't care for, those have coconut..." Lena began rattling off all the different types, pointing to each as she explained. Ella felt a smile spread across her face. For once, she wasn't being pelted with questions, or oohed and aahed at. She was being informed on the differences in chocolate.

|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|

Lena poked at the sandwich in front of her. The tomato wiggled and slipped out, mayonnaise clinging to it and jiggling. Across from her, Ella was wolfing down food practically by the pound. There went the turkey, rice dressing, watergate salad, rolls...

"Good lord, Ella! how can you eat all that?"

"I'm hungry, Le!"

Lena raised her hands defensively and traded her sandwich for a slice of chocolate cake. Ella froze, a spoonful of cranberry sauce in hand.

"It's chocolate."

"I can see that, Ella."

"... Can I have some?" Ella's voice lifted an octave. Lena smirked.

"No. You can't."

"Lena... give me the cake and no one gets hurt." Lina raised an eyebrow. Ella lunged. Lena leapt up and raced across the dorm, clutching the saucer as if it were a lifeline. Ella gave a battle cry and tackled Lena, wrapping her hand around the slice of cake and smearing frosting on Lina's face. Lena, in turn, gave a gasp and flung a chunk of chocolate icing at Ella.

"Oh, this means war!" Ella cried, grabbing the saucer and pelting Lena with clumps of cake. Lena grabbed it back and smushed her hands into it, then promptly smeared chocolate all over Ella's face. Ella at this point was laughing so hard, she lost her balance and fell forward, bringing Lena down with her, onto the dorm floor.

Laughing so hard it was inaudible, Ella still bruised and scraped from the fight earlier that day, Lena's violet, neon green, and orange streaks (for Halloween, of course) speckled with chocolate.

|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|

Lena jabbed Ella in the ribs.

"Ow! What was that for?"

"Are you going to put your name in?"

"For what?"

"You know!"

"Oh, that tournament mabobber?"

"Yes, the tournament!"

"Eh. Maybe."

Lena had been trying to get Ella to enter for their region in the Sweeper Trials, a tournament for the school that could clear up the bad air around Ella's name. Lena didn't understand why the negativity was there at all- so Ella beat up a few people now and then, and had almost blown up the school two years ago, what about it? And just because Lena may or may not have laughed hysterically while Ella attacked Ferro did not mean she was just as violent as Ella. It just meant she was the best friend who happened to enjoy her friend's... talents.

Lena sighed. Ella turned to her, arms folded. "We're going to be late to Moving if you keep this up."

"Sorry. It's just... you have to! I mean, Griffin's going to, and you can't pass up something like this!"

Ella snarled softly. As of late, the mere mention of her number one enemy at the Academy would send her into a bad mood for hours. And he wasn't helping the situation- fights close to every day, taunts, smirks across the hall, showing off and constantly trying to one-up her was not going to get him very far in terms of her affections. But, it did mean Ella was absolutely bent on proving herself to be better than him.

Yet another reason Lena was a genius in this sort of thing.

Ella paused. "I'll do it." she sighed, shoulders dropping. Lena squealed and hugged her tightly, her hair (now streaked with orange, blonde, and red for the season) brushing Ella's ear. She had had a growth spurt over the summer, and was now almost as tall as Ella. Tory, of course, still called her Little Bit. Ella sniffed.

"Look, Ells, if you really don't want to, don't, I mean-"

"No- what's that smell?"

Lena smiled slightly. "It's chocolate, Ella dearest. You know, since we're passing the kitchens?"

"Oh. Chocolate."

|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|

Ella fell onto the bed, face first. "Oh, Academy, I missed thee," she said, but with her face buried in the comforter, it sounded a bit more like "Ah Amumumee, ah ih ee."

Lena chuckled and flopped onto her own bed, hair now streaked with green, yellow, and pink, still dyed for summer. Ella rolled over and stared at the ceiling.

"So, Le."

"So, yourself."

"Looks like we'll have less fights this year."

Lena snorted. "I doubt it."

"Why?"

"Just because he's on our side doesn't mean you'll get any less violent."

"Oh, hush." Ella threw a pillow over to Lina's bed. It landed directly on her face. Lena lifted her fist, index finger pointed out.

"My point is proven!"

Ella laughed and got off the bed, beginning to unpack. With a puzzled expression, she pulled out a bar of chocolate, somehow preserved through the trip. She looked at Lena. Lena looked at her.

At the same time, they bolted, hearts set on the chocolate.

|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|

Ella brushed away a stray tear. She and Lena were the last ones in the dorm, suitcases only now being zipped up.

"We'll never see this place again." Lena choked out.

"Oh, Le," Ella said softly, taking her into her arms and rocking back and forth, her own tears sinking into Lena's hair (now streaked with yellow, crimson, and white). It was, in fact, their last day at Academy, soon to be gone. Ella held Lena out at arm's length.

"Stop crying, okay? The crew's waiting on the train. Let's..." Ella couldn't finish her sentence. Lena nodded and picked up her suitcase, kissing her fingers and then pressing them to the door frame as she slipped under it. Ella did the same, biting her lip as she left the lounge. She broke into a sprint with Lena as they neared the train.

As the train began to pull away, Lena and Ella safely inside, each senior ran onto the open car and held their hands out, silver glitter catching in the wind and blowing back to the Academy, as their second home grew smaller and smaller.

Ella walked to the food cart, preparing to purchase the first round of snacks for the journey home. The labels were bright, colors blinding, and even more so through the thin film of tears in her eyes. She bit her lip. Tory liked meat, but Jacki wouldn't stand for it. Griffin liked gummies, but Theo refused to eat them.

"Um... er... I'll have..."

A black nailed hand squeezed Ella's, the spiked bangles on the wrist jingling softly.

"She'll have a pack of chocolates."

Hey, so firstly. This is really good! When I was reading it I didn't feel the need for there to be more description, although you don't really give a lot on their surroundings, it seems to work out fine. The interaction between these two characters is great. I was sorta curious what Ella's history was, you sorta give a tease about that, but never add to it. If you are planning on adding to this, great. I guess it does act as a way of bringing them together. So it does have a purpose, I was just left curious. The use of chocolate in the story was really good, I might try and mix up the ways that chocolate comes into it though. The first two ways were really good, but the others seemed to be mostly just Lina gifting chocolate to Ella.

It was, in fact, their last day at Academy, soon to be gone.

This is the only place that I thought was kinda awkward in wording. The "soon to be gone" doesn't seem to fit quite right.

Hope this helped. Great piece though and good luck in your contest!
-Isaac

Hey NCM!

For Shubhi's contest, I guess.
Aww, it's a sweet short. So, onto the review.

Ella nodded, trying not to groan. Did everyone know about her and her past?

"Cool. Now, those have caramel, those have strawberry, which I don't care for, those have coconut..." Lina began rattling off all the different types, pointing to each as she explained. Ella felt a smile spread across her face. For once, she wasn't being pelted with questions, or oohed and aahed at. She was being informed on the differences in chocolate.

I dunno, but it gives me a very Harry Potter-y feel. And it's not so good, but, you could play around a bit, stick to the plot, but maybe present it differently.

So there, on the wooden floor of their dormitory at the boarding school, they laughed and radiated joy, smeared all over with chocolate.

This sentence is generally redundant except for the fact that they were in their dorm. Maybe throw in that bit of info elsewhere and skip this sentence.
The third para needs some work. I don't quite get the point of it. Sure, Li may not sign up for something if Ella didn't want her to, but what is it? I like how it revolves around chocolate, but I don't get the rest of it. Try for a different setting.

"What's this?"

"Mundane chocolate."

"... Is it good?"

"Incredibly."

Instead of this bit of dialogue, you can make her open it and indulge in the smell. Or maybe have Li ask 'what' and she opens it up without waiting for a reply. That seems more natural.

Ella smiled as Lina once again was calmed by the age old remedy. Chocolate.

I didn't quite like this sentence. Because for one, I didn't see the necessity for a 'calming-agent.' Two. The sentence breaks the tone of the story.
Also, this para seemed yet again a desperate attempt to somehow fit chocolate in. Play around with your characters adn try to put in a different situation.
The last para was good. Even if cliched, I did like it. (Hehe, I'm all for happy endings xD)

Okay, so I like the characters, and Li's hair. But you could add a wee bit more info/description. In my head, they're just two hyper girly-girls. You could make them a little more solid.
Description. As Isaac said, I don;t think you need more, except on the characters. It's fine.

Good luck with the contest.
Cheers,
~Lava

You have a good, clear writing style and I didn't notice any grammatical errors so it's clear you have taken time in developing this piece. However, the story is also very disjointed. It seems to skip along and each portion doesn't really seem related to the whole. It needs to be longer and more context given in each section.

Unevenly cut short black hair, streaked with hot pink, blonde, and royal blue. Electric blue, almond shaped eyes, black nails, neon colored clothes, skinny jeans and neon green shoelaces.

Way too much description, and some of it just seems to be thrown out there (what does 'electric blue' relate to?). Go easier on the details, and let the reader do the filling in. In this case, describing the hair may be enough.

Ella nodded, trying not to groan. Did everyone know she was the girl whose parents got shot?

She was trying not to groan about her parents being shot? I don't like Ella at all; she treats her parents getting shot like I treat taking out the garbage.

Ella laughed and got off the bed, beginning to unpack. With a puzzled expression, she pulled out a bar of chocolate, somehow preserved through the trip. She looked at Lina. Lina looked at her.

This again points out the error of too much description; the part in bold isn't necessary.

Overall, it's generally well written but does need fleshing out.

Hey Ninja!

I don't know what the contest is about... I hope it's not about writing a piece about chocolate, because I'd like to think you came up with it by yourself, haha. I liked how it seemed to be an ongoing theme in this story.

I also really liked the first part before the first "|~|~|"s, apart from some small details. I liked it because it was written vividly and you gave some interesting information, like the parent thing, which was enough to get me hooked and still be subtle.

However, the story overall left me a bit disappointed. The paragraphs didn't really seem to connect, and you also threw along many names of people who didn't get introduced and many things that were never explained. The story was more like a deck of snapshots, instead of a panorama, if you get what I mean, haha. I'm not saying that they weren't overall well written, but it did leave me slightly confused and I'm not sure what the point of this story was other than to tell the readers Lina and Ella are good friends. Which is all very fine and nice, but not that interesting in the long run. Many people are good friends.

Still, as I said in another review I wrote today, to me the first line and the last line are the most important things in a story (because the first line is what should hook the reader and the last line leaves the last impression), and in this story, they both were great. Well, not necessarily the first line alone, but the first paragraph at least. And the last comment just wrapped it up. Even though I stick to what I said about the not-connectedness (yes, that totally isn't a word).

Well, I hope I have helped you.


Demeter
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