2012: The year of Armageddon

* This is something me and my friend thought, so I took the liberty to write about. So I hope you enjoy Chapter 1 of this story*



My home is a playground for the unstable. My father paces back and forth, as he waits for the phone to ring. My brother, Luke, throws the football around by the pool with his friends, as my mother prepares drinks. Music is blasting and beautiful women are dancing around a bonfire. Seems like absolute fun, but not for me, I like to linger in my room and watch my idol ‘Jackie Chan’ on the not so big TV screen. For a moment I pressed my face to the glass, the bass of the speakers lightly massaged my cold skin, for a moment I envied them. One of the girls looked at me through my window, her perfect cream skin screamed “come and get me”, she even broke a smile, I just backed away into invisibility. Nobody understood me, sometimes I don’t, It’s just the beat of their lives aren’t the same as mine.
“Jake!!” screamed my father. “What!” I replied. “Go get Luke I need to talk to you, quick it’s urgent.” This is the last thing I wanted, I inhaled deeply, held it there… five seconds… twenty… after forty I gave up, time travel doesn’t exist. I stepped out of my room, glided down the stairs and froze at the door, the bass shook the handle, another inhale, I opened the door.
The music hit me first, and then the voices, it was like hell, an immediate sensory overload, Jakes booming voice was easy to find. He was dancing, in all of his shirtless glory, with his girlfriend of two years dangling around his neck kissing his bronze skin. I awkwardly broke through the crowd; I was absolutely out of my element. I was almost to Luke when one of the football jocks bumped into me a little too hard, nearly knocking me over. A quick jab to the kidneys shut him down, somehow this offended his friend. So he went after me, after sixteen years of learning the most expensive kung fu in all of New York this guy was less than practice. He took a swing, bad move, he left his ribs exposed and I quickly sent my palm straight into his ribcage leaving him completely breathless.
This scene was too big to keep unnoticed, a loud scream by one of the girls definitely didn’t help, and this got Luke’s attention. “Hey man, what the hell!” Luke screamed at me, but I wasn’t fazed, I simply replied “Dad needs us, it’s urgent” He brushed past me and headed inside, I followed him like a ghost. I could see my Dad peering out the window, his face in deep distress. We started to move faster, almost racing to the stainless steel armory my father worked in. My father is a major arms dealer, he supplies nearly forty percent of the U.S. militaries weapons, and he is quite a success. Luke and I were raised in the lap of luxury, our million dollar estate is great, it is isolated, and a fun house for the rich and popular, and money, for us gave us freedom and opportunity.
The room wreaked of scotch, the nearly empty shot glass only proved my theory; he was leaning against his table, huddled on the floor his hand shaking attached to the disconnected phone. “She’s got it” he burst into tears, punching the ground and spilling his scotch. “Got what Dad” Luke said while he ran to comfort him. “The disease that’s on T.V. all the time, she’s got it. Please go find her bring her here. Go! She doesn’t have much time.” He gained his footing and screamed. “Go!”
Me and Luke sprinted to the party, and broke through the relentless crowd, to find our mother. The music faded away at the first sight of her, then voices next, she stood motionless like a ghost, staring at the mountains. All I could hear was Luke’s heavy breathing and all I could see was my still mother. I walked closer to her ,close enough to touch her. I placed my hand on her shoulder, her skin was cold and sickly pale. Her reaction was slow to my voice, her head inched towards me, and with every inch fear struck my soul giving me an unnerving chill. Her skin was gaunt, and white, her eyes were yellow with completely black pupils. Her lips are cracked and brown and hung exposing her bottom teeth, which were yellow and crooked. My heart was pounding so loud and so hard it made me choke, the sight of my once beautiful mother is numbing. “Mom” I breathed, to in shock to speak. A trickle of black blood leaked from her nose, and my heart dropped as she didn’t even notice the sensation. She simply moved her head back towards the mountains. I began to tear, fighting back uncontrollable weeping as she looked away. “Mom we have to go” I found the courage to speak. I grabbed her arm and slightly pulled on her.
Her head shot back at me and piercing eyes struck a paralyzing fear into my body. Her eyes were filled with purple veins, and the blood from her nose was staining her white dress. I shut my eyes, and the sound of the crowd hit me again. This time the laughter was screams of fear and pain. I still kept my eyes closed I couldn’t imagine what was happening there. The darkness of my overworked mind was the only possibility of hope, but even as the light shined on me at that moment, a devilish scream shook my insides, forcing my eyes to open. My imagination was friendly for the real thing was the most horrid thing I have ever witnessed in all my life. My contorted mother covered in blood as she tore open a young man, and fed on his flesh. The screams were lightning and my broken heart was the thunder, beating like a giant drum on my brain. The one thing I could think about was my brother, he was on his knees quaking in pain and sorrow next to me. And at that moment time slowed town, and the grim scene was painted on my eyes. Fear in the faces of my friends as they ran away, showed in the creases of my face. The agony of my family showed in my brother’s body as he trembles in anger and pain, and the unholy sight of my mother broke all barriers of reality and imagination. She was pulsing in hunger and rage; she has lost all sense of right or wrong and has completely abandoned humanity.
The bang of gunshot woke me from my trance; I inhaled deeply and saw my father holding a smoking shotgun in his trembling arm. A precious tear rolled down his cheek as he murdered the love of his life, as she was devouring another human being.

Hey Mario, nice to meet you. The name's Stella, I'll be your reviewer today.

I. NITPICKS

Music is blasting and beautiful women are dancing around a bonfire.

Wait, what?

For a moment I pressed my face to the glass,

You just switched tenses.

“Jake!!” screamed my father. “What!” I replied. “Go get Luke I need to talk to you, quick it’s urgent.”

You need to start a new paragraph every time there's a new speaker.

Jakes booming voice was easy to find. He was dancing, in all of his shirtless glory,

I thought you were Jake? Also, Jake's.

Alright.

II. OVERALL

This is a really interesting concept, but I have a few things to say. Firstly, make sure you proofread, and read up on your dialogue punctuation, because that kind of stuff really matters. Secondly, I think that if this was longer, it would make more sense. Saying "That disease that's always on TV" doesn't make much sense- it's all about development, so develop your plot and characters. Don't be afraid to flesh it out!

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x

Hiya MArio! I'm SporkPunk but you can call me Sporks. Or Leslie. Your call. xD

Anyway, before I begin, I must say, "OH MY GOSH YAY ZOMBIES!" *ahem.*
Also, I agree with what Stella said about the names...that threw me off quite a lot.

Grammar
So there were quite a few errors I saw, and they seemed to be concentrated in the beginning of the piece. I'll correct a paragraph to show you what I mean. Green is word choice change, if any, red is grammar, and blue is my commentary.

My home is a playground for the unstable. My father paces back and forth, as he waits for the phone to ring. My brother, Luke, throws the football around by the pool with his friends, as my mother prepares drinks. Music is blasting and beautiful women are dancing around a bonfire. Seems like absolute fun, but not for me. Okay, for this part there are two separate sentences, which would not be joined, unless by a semi-colon. I like to linger in my room and watch my idol, "Jackie Chan," on the not so big TV screen. You only use the single marks if you're already using the double ones, and you offset the "Jackie Chan" with commas. I forget the technical term.... xDFor a moment I pressed my face to the glass, the bass of the speakers lightly massaging my cold skin, and for a moment I envied them. One of the girls looked at me through my window, her perfect cream skin screamed “come and get me." She even broke a smile; I just backed away into invisibility. Nobody understood me; sometimes I don’t. It’s just the beatS of their lives aren’t the same as mine.

So there are a lot of comma issues and places where you're incorrectly combining multiple sentences. Other than that, the grammar is alright. Also, is there a reason in particular you switch tenses from present to past?

Storyline
This is a unique take on the zombie apocalypse, and tying it to 2012 is interesting. However, the title doesn't work for me. It's not all that catchy. Also, I like how you don't come outright and say their zombies, because in the real world, no one would ever call something like that a zombie because, well, everyone knows they're not real. xD I liked this piece, though at times it was confusing because of the spacing and tense switches. This has the potential to be great writing!

Keep it up!

~Sporks

Hey Comments in red, repetition in green.

MAri0O07 wrote:*
My home is a playground for the unstable [Awesome opening]. My father paces back and forth, as he waits for the phone to ring. My brother, Luke, throws the football around by the pool with his friends, as my mother prepares drinks. Music is blasting and beautiful women are dancing around a bonfire [lulwut?]. Seems like absolute fun, but not for me, I like to linger in my room and watch my idol ‘Jackie Chan’ [Not sure why Jackie Chan is in quotation marks] on the not so big TV screen. For a moment I pressed my face to the glass, the bass of the speakers lightly massaged my cold skin, for a moment I envied them. [A lot of tense changes here.] One of the girls looked at me through my window, her perfect cream skin screamed “come and get me”, she even broke a smile,. [Here I feel a period would make it flow better.] I just backed away into invisibility. Nobody understood me, sometimes I don’t, It’sit's just the beat of their lives aren’t the same as mine.

“Jake!! [Generally you should only use one form of expression. ie, only one exclamation mark.]” screamed my father.

[New paragraph break with all new speech] “What!” I replied.

[Paragraph break.] “Go get Luke. I need to talk to you, quick it’s urgent.” This is the last thing I wanted, I inhaled deeply, held it there… five seconds… twenty… after forty I gave up, time travel doesn’t exist. I stepped out of my room, glided down the stairs and froze at the door, the bass shook the handle, another inhale, I opened the door.
The music hit me first, and then the voices, it was like hell, an immediate sensory overload, Jake's booming voice was easy to find. He was dancing, in all of his shirtless glory, with his girlfriend of two years dangling around his neck kissing his bronze skin. I awkwardly broke through the crowd; I was absolutely out of my element. I was almost to Luke when one of the football jocks bumped into me a little too hard, nearly knocking me over. A quick jab to the kidneys shut him down, somehow this offended his friend. So he went after me, after sixteen years of learning the most expensive kung fu in all of New York this guy was less than practice. He took a swing, bad move, he left his ribs exposed and I quickly sent my palm straight into his ribcage leaving him completely breathless. [All of this is a bit sudden and some of it is even confusing to read.]
This scene was too big to keep unnoticed, a loud scream by one of the girls definitely didn’t help, and this got Luke’s attention.

[Sorry, dinner. Will continue this probably before you log on to check it ]

Hey there Mari0O07,

Nice Story, I just have a few comments to make. I think you need to focus a little more when you're writing because there were things that didn't really add up:

My father paces back and forth, as he waits for the phone to ring.

From what you say later in the story, I assumed Jake's father was elsewhere, in another room of the house, how does Jake know that he's pacing and waiting for the phone to ring? Unless this is written in hindsight, which it isn't, it doesn't make sense for Jake to know this. His mother and brother he can see, so he can comment on what they are doing.

“Jake!!” screamed my father. “What!” I replied. “Go get Luke I need to talk to you, quick it’s urgent.”

You should really break that sentence up into three paragraphs for each time Jake and his Dad say something. Also I would cut out "I need to talk to you" and make it "Get Luke! I'ts Urgent!" When people are in a panic their sentences are generally short and choppy, so this would make it sound more realistic. I think others have already commented that the brothers name is Luke, but in the next paragraph you address him as Jake, then change him back to Luke again.

The room wreaked of scotch, the nearly empty shot glass only proved my theory; he was leaning against his table, huddled on the floor his hand shaking attached to the disconnected phone.

You've slipped into past tense.

I shut my eyes, and the sound of the crowd hit me again. This time the laughter was screams of fear and pain.

So can we now assume that there are more people like Jake's Mother? You don't really say anything about why everyone is screaming in pain.

She was pulsing in hunger and rage; she has lost all sense of right or wrong and has completely abandoned humanity.

You started the sentence off with past tence and then moved on to present tense. These are the types of the things you need to pay attention to.

Fear in the faces of my friends as they ran away, showed in the creases of my face.

Wait...so now they're Jake's friends? He never seemed to feel that way about them before.

And lastly

The bang of gunshot woke me from my trance; I inhaled deeply and saw my father holding a smoking shotgun in his trembling arm. A precious tear rolled down his cheek as he murdered the love of his life, as she was devouring another human being.

Now if you fiddled with this last sentence I think it could be very powerful. I might change it to "The bang of the gunshot awoke me from my trance. Inhaling deeply I turned to see my Father holding a smoking shotgun in his trembling hand. A precious tear rolled down his cheek as he murdered the love of his life." I would leave out the bit about her devouring someone. In my opinon this is the best part of the story. It's so full of emotion and I believe it allows the reader to collect with the characters.

Alright, well other then those few things, I think this piece has great potential. Everyone loves a Zombie story

Wow. that's a really descripted tale, but hey i was glued to me seat the entire way!

Ok first of, Hi
There wasn't really muth detail, and you switched tenses alot in the first paragraph.

My home is a playground for the unstable.first line, your making it sound like some kind of mental hospital, i thought he lived in the lap of luxury? My father paces back and forth, as he waits for the phone to ring. My brother, Luke, throws the football around by the pool with his friends, as my mother prepares drinks. Music is blasting and beautiful women are dancing around a bonfire. Seems like absolute fun, but not for me, I like to linger in my room and watch my idol ‘Jackie Chan’ on the not so big TV screen. For a moment I pressed my face to the glass, the bass of the speakers lightly massaged my cold skin, for a moment I envied them. One of the girls looked at me through my window, her perfect cream skin screamed “come and get me”, she even broke a smile, I just backed away into invisibility. Nobody understood me, sometimes I don’t, It’s just the beat of their lives aren’t the same as mine.1: you switch tenses alot and 2:you keep making good points and bad points...whyh is he so isolated?

“Jake!!” screamed my father. “What!” I replied. “Go get Luke I need to talk to you, quick it’s urgent.” This is the last thing I wanted, I inhaled deeply, held it there… five seconds… twenty… after forty I gave up, time travel doesn’t exist. I stepped out of my room, glided down the stairs and froze at the door, the bass shook the handle, another inhale, I opened the door.
The music hit me first, and then the voices, it was like hell, an immediate sensory overload, JakesErmmm, your Jake so you can't be two places at once.Mix up;? booming voice was easy to find.

ok i'm thinking Zombie's you didn't give that much detail except appearence...maybe you could say how she had turned into somthing diffrent...a monster.?

Overall good plot....good writing

Over and Out