How difficult life could be - Chapter 1

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Hello everybody, this is the edited copy of the first chapter of my work. As other reviewers told me that it shouldn't be the prologue I converted it into a real chapter of the story. Pleas comment how it is and pleas point out my mistakes and tell me how I can improve this. So, here is goes:

Chapter 01


Tim:
They are still not here, I’m tired already; however, this isn't the first time my parents are late. They never care about me and Kelly, my sister. I wonder if they really are our parents. But today is different; I have a feeling, a bad one. The environment seems moist and darker than usual and winds are cold much more than one could expect these days. It is already eight at night, for some other day it could have been normal but today there is something that has to happen.
It’s been more than half an hour since we are waiting outside of our building.
Though, I never care much about what people on the road do, but this man was different, he just caught my attention. His short but black beard was making me afraid of his movements. Walking here and there he was constantly looking at me. Heading towards me, he is heading towards me! Oh Tim, what has happened to you, why are you afraid of a stranger who has nothing to do with you.
Actually, now I think he has something to do with me, “You’re Tim, right?” he asked me.
“Indeed, I am. But may I know who you are and why do you seem so much interested in a kid?” I replied
“I’m from Police, as you've probably guessed, we people don’t talk to others much, and I will ask just one question. Have you noticed anything unusual since morning, anything which you find different from other days?” he asked once again
“Anything unusual? No there is nothing but of a police man talking to me. Now, do you intend to tell me what the matter is?” I insisted.
"This is hard to tell, and I’m afraid that I have to speak this up but you should know this. See, I don't want to shock you or something, and I know that you are too young too know this but still you should know this." He told gently, looking in my eyes, stress was very clear in his voice and the sweat on his face was sign of how much tired he was.
There was a ten seconds silence after which he opened his mouth once again, “Your parents are murdered.” I know that I heard it right but I still wanted the man to say it once again. I knew that there was something that was going to face today but it was like the ground under my feet suddenly disappeared leaving me into nowhere. Kelly was already shocked listening to him, for first few seconds it was like that she got paradises but after that cold pause she couldn't keep herself quite and she shouted, “Who is this man Tim, just push him out or here, why he is joking us, misinforming about our parents death.” I had nothing to say now. The man pulled Kelly’s hand and showed her his identification batch, “I’m sorry kid, and I have no intention to hurt you but... Pleas, I know it is hard for you, but...” he replied politely where at the end his voice also started to shake. I was just thinking about what I should in this situation before Kelly started crying and shaking as she cuddled me hard with both of his hand.
“What are we supposed to do?” I put my hand on Kelly’s head and asked the police man as if I had no effect of what he said few seconds ago. “See, this may offend you but there is nothing that I can do for you right now. For now, you should just stay in your home waiting for tomorrow morning. Someone of us will come and will help you, but till then don’t go anywhere not even to your school tomorrow. I know that it is not a part of my job to leave you here but pleas, understand this, I have something very important to do...” I stopped him before he completed his dialog. “Whatever, crying and groaning isn’t going to help, go do your work, I will handle it here.” I spoke holding Kelly from her shoulder and taking her inside the house. The man left as he was shaking like as he has seen some ghost or something, that was weird but what can one expect from a person who is leaving his duty like that.
Though, Kelly was young, she somehow controlled her feelings till we reached in our apartment. I was twelve where Kelly was ten years old; I knew that whatever is happening with us, we are too young for that but the situation couldn't be helped.
There had been 15 minutes since we returned to our apartment and Kelly was still crying in her room when we heard a knock on the door. It was Mr. Clark, our father’s very old friend. He was a smart and thin person with hair which were never attended seriously, although he looked very normal but for us he was always better than our father. He was exhausted, breathing faster than normal and his hair were straight as if he had been running in a storm for hours and had crossed the seven seas to reach over here.
“Tim, I don’t know if you already get the information or not but...” he was speaking when I again discontinued his speech, “We know.” I spoke. But he had something interesting that we didn't know “Then you should also know that they are not just killed randomly but they were murdered for a purpose.” He told me, but another way omens were already informing of the twist in time, I never believe in omens but they seemed to be coming true this time “I guessed that too, but what is the reason and how are you supposed to know that?” I didn't complete my words this time when we heard gunshots in the main corridor. “No time to tell you, stay inside and let me handle this.” He told us taking his hand gun out; he closed our door and went outside like the wind travelling at fastest without creating any noise, he was as quick as any superhero in weird TV shows broadcasting these days.
It didn't take much longer this time when we heard sound of bullet two times; we had no intention to follow the instructions of Clark. We also ran out of the apartment when we saw Clark half dead. “Tim, run, run for your life. Get away from this building they have planted a bomb over here...” he finished his last words in front of our eyes loosing his precious breath which made the environment around us hotter than ever. There was blood spreading down his body which started to spread all over the ground. We had no idea of what we were doing but the only thing we did was, we run, run outside and away from our building when we heard the blast quite clearly.
I didn't know what to do, so I went to a public telephone and called emergency telling them about everything but of our conversation with Clark, I also told Kelly to not to share that information with anyone. She was a kid but she understood it all well.
Police didn't take any time to find us another home and a guardian and the life was probably going to be better this time, at least until we are attacked again which I suppose was sure to happen in future. But there is one thing that is not resolved, what did Clark mean when he said that our parents are murdered on a purpose? And that was the string that raised many other questions in my mind. I was not sure of what I am going to do in coming time but one thing that I made sure was to uncover the face of person who created all this.
Last edited by chetanbhasin on Mon Aug 16, 2010 8:53 am, edited 9 times in total.
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Hey,

I shall be your reviewer.

This is very action pact, which is good. There seems to be no description however, which makes it seem more like a short story, rather than an opening to a novel. Another thing that kind of bugged me was Kelly and her response. It was a response of a fully grown woman, then you said she was eight. I think that needs rectifying.

It is very fast moving for a prologue, I would class this as chapter one, rather than a prologue.

Also, this may sound stupid but what is the DEA?

I like Tim's point of view. I think he will become an interesting character in the story and I can tell he is going to develop into something good.

I fell into Tim's shoes whilst reading this, so it was very gripping.

In the next chapter I would like to see a little more description. I think you need to remember your characters ages before writing speech.

Good luck, contact me once you have edited this or wrote the second one, or if you want me to explain anything.

~Retro Disco666
'I have loved to the point of madness, which for me is the only true way to love'
~Francoise Sagan




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retrodisco666 wrote:Hey,

I shall be your reviewer.

This is very action pact, which is good. There seems to be no description however, which makes it seem more like a short story, rather than an opening to a novel. Another thing that kind of bugged me was Kelly and her response. It was a response of a fully grown woman, then you said she was eight. I think that needs rectifying.

It is very fast moving for a prologue, I would class this as chapter one, rather than a prologue.

Also, this may sound stupid but what is the DEA?

I like Tim's point of view. I think he will become an interesting character in the story and I can tell he is going to develop into something good.

I fell into Tim's shoes whilst reading this, so it was very gripping.

In the next chapter I would like to see a little more description. I think you need to remember your characters ages before writing speech.

Good luck, contact me once you have edited this or wrote the second one, or if you want me to explain anything.

~Retro Disco666


Hey! Thanks, and sorry I was supposed to put some different age for Kelly but I was mistaken. I will correct it now. And DEA, you can search google about it, it is Drug Enforcement Administration which I was thinking to use later in the story, but I think many people don't have any idea what it is, so I will replace it with mere police officer. Also, it would be weird for DEA to do such a thing.And next time, I will be more descriptive with it. And I would like to know, why did you say that you will count it as chapter 1 instead of prologue? I asked that because I was also having trouble to start with this story.
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“Your parents are murdered!”


This should be "Your parents were murdered." And the exclamation mark doesn't fit.

You also have some misspelled words. Other than that this is an okay story so far. I think I've read something like it though.

Things are happening a little fast.




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It just doesn't seem very prologue like, I just think it suits better as a chapter 1 personally.

~Retro Disco666
'I have loved to the point of madness, which for me is the only true way to love'
~Francoise Sagan




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@Everybody,
Thanks retro and mystoryline, as you told me that I should explain it a little more I've put some efforts to edit it and had some time on it. If you think there are some other things that I can edit, pleas help me point out.

And I'm using this as prologue not the chapter 1 because I don't want the story to have any information about Tim and Kelly's past. I will further disclose the misery in about 5 to 7 chapters.
Also, I am having some difficult with my first chapter, I don't am not able to decide how to show the Tim and Kelly living their life after this incidence normally where both of them start to learn the life. You might have already guessed what I mean by that.
And retro, I do have a character line ready for Tim as you told in your first comment. I am not getting too much of time these days so I will try to post 1st chapter as soon as possible.

At last, thanks for your reviews, I will be looking forward for your review on other chapters.
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I have to say "bravo!" I though the way you developed character Tim was well done. He seemed smart, strong, loving and over all a good mix of a big brother and a main character. Now for the other part. The first thing that threw me off was, I was sitting with Tim outside some building and then theirs the dialogue with the police officer who starts out sounding like an adult then suddenly exclaims "Okay!" I believe you could take that out and still make it sound like an intelligent conversation. Another point that I would like to add "Okay! This is hard to tell, but you should know this. See, I don't want to shock you or anything, and I know that you are too young too know this but still you should know this." the last this could possibly be taken out as well.
#2 I noticed another reviewer commented on this as well but I would also like to add my opinion. The girl, Kelly, does indeed sound like an adult. I was under the impression that she was 10 years old. If I was a ten year old girl hearing this I would believe the police officer right away, and probably burst in tears. But this problem leads me to another question. Why are they at the building? What kind of building is it? So I guess my real question is: Are the children innocent or not? Maybe not so much Tim but Kelly seems to be fairly young. So if the children are growing up in the slums maybe Kelly would react the way she did but if shes more sheltered then it would be the example I told you before. Maybe you could put in a little more background information.
Also the use of "little gun" maybe Tim thinks this because hes young. I would personally use handgun.
"ike the wind traveling at fastest without creating any noise" maybe its the word fastest that made me say "What?" but i would mix around a few words here. And I think that this NOT being the first chapter is a good idea.
One last thing, maybe you could pretend you are in the police officers shoes. He has to deliver the bad news to a few kids but other responsibilities get in the way. He could be a key player later in the story...just an idea. I suggest you think of yourself in ALL of your characters shoes so you can write easier and make the story flow better.
~Good luck
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Hey Chetan. I am very lazy nowadays on getting the reviews done and besides that I have limited time on net. Curse Indian Education! '

So, I won't go onto a deep review as retro has done that work already.

But today is different; I have a feeling, a bad feeling.
Well, here what you're doing is called 'Telling', but a good thing to do it Telling. Here you could have told us how exactly he feels. We here only know that he ahs bad feelings, but exactly what kind of? Just describe like: my heart was thumping loudly, and my throat became dry, but I didn't know the reason. In situations like these, just think of how exactly you feel when you have an intuition for something bad, and if you haven't experienced it till now, then ask someone who has. Be precise.

It is already eight at night, for some other day it could have been usual but today, this today there is something that has happened.
Although I have put up this comma here, I am still not convinced with the idea of putting up today again.

“Indeed, I am. May I know who you are and why do you seem so interested in a kid..?” I replied
A full-stop Chetan. And also he has said all this with sarcasm, so you can include something like: I replied with sarcasm to my tone, or I replied in irritation.

First to start with, I think it is great that you took out time from your study time, and write something after a very long time. it's very great.

Secondly, I believe that there were too many mistakes here and at a point I was convinced not to pin-point them, but rather explain them to you in the end. I think that is going to be better.

I understand that you wanted this to be a prologue, and not chapter 1. Some part of me is convinced that you're right in doing so as you don't want the chapters to deal with their past life in the starting, but the other half says that since people avoid reading prologue, the chapters might create confusion for them ahead, but not if you explain all this as clearly as you did now.

There were some major problems with your grammar, which I think won't be tough to correct.
1. Punctuation: You just need to gear up on this. Most of your sentences didn't have full-stops at the end. I didn't point all of them, as they would have not sought any purpose. it would be good, only when you can correct your own mistakes.

2. Dialog: I can very well understand that are first language is not English, so we find trouble in writing the dialog, when it is of people of some English speaking country. But still we have to try. I also used to have the same problem, but now I am getting hang of it. One thing that I noticed here was that you go on with the dialog, without any full-stops.
“I’m... just, stay in your house, it is already too late, I would like to help you but now I have to go, I have some big work, believe me I would have helped you if I were free
. Though this is not a very big problem and wasn't there much, but still it can be irritating.

3. Didn't confusion: Earlier, too in your Hospital Road story I saw that you you third form of the verb with 'did' and 'didn't. I explained to you then also, and I would do that again, until you're not clear with this idea.
Look: I didn't did my homework.
Would you say this sentence is wrong or right? Well, I think you would chose the latter option, but in reality it is a wrong sentence. Because we used 'did' here, which is third form of the verb 'do'. What we should have used here is 'do'.
For example: I didn't work in the field today.
My parents didn't buy me that dress.
I hope this is clear for once and all.

In the end I would like to say that what this chapter really lacked was 'descriptions'. You really need to tell us how does the police officer looks and everything else. Also, I felt things were progressing too quickly.

Just make the end a bit more melodramatic and end it with quite suspense.

Here's a page of all the articles which might help you with improving your writing skills. They helped me a lot. List of Articles

Good bye till then and I hope you start with chapter one and complete it soon.
~Shubhi
"Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

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Well, now when everybody says that is is no good for first chapter and it needs description I think I should also arrange time for that. I will convert this into the first chapter but then I don't have a prologue to start with, but I think that is okay. For this, I would like to know what do you think, will it be okay if I continue without a prologue?

And Shubhi, thanks for your review, I will rewrite the whole chapter and I think that will be a major change. I will expand it and then it will really read like a chapter. And about my hold over punctuation, I will keep your words in mind and nest time I will proofread my work two times before posting it here.

Thanks once again, I will try to change this as soon as I get time.
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Yes it will work without a prologue,don't worry

~Retro Disco666
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How does it seem now? I've Changed it as first Chapter 1
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Hello Chetan!

Well, so let me head straight into the review. I'll give a rather generalized set of comments.

1.Grammar: As Shubhi said, you need to work on it. The edited one didn't have a block full of errors, but it did have a few. It's not a bad thing, as English is your second language. Of course, only practice helps you get rid of them. I would suggest you read up a few articles and be open to grammatical corrections. If you need a line-by-line help, PM me, I'd be happy to help.

2. The Start: The start to any chapter is very essential. It is what keeps a reader hooked onto the story. You start here could do with some work. I know you're trying to create a 'dark' atmosphere from the view of a little kid, so work on it a little more. Just rephrase what you've written. Here's an example:
They're late. Again. It seemed as if they didn't care about us. Aren't we their kids? I looked at Kelly who seemed to enjoy these cold winds. It is already eight. On any other day, this could've been normal, but not today. Today felt different, like something bad is going to happen.

3. Description: Well, it's good to see you're following what the reviewers mentioned. I do see some potential descriptions, but you need to work on putting in in your narrative seamlessly. Work on showing the place, emotions etc

4. Dialogue: It could do with some improvement. Just keep working on it and read aloud the dialogue to see if it sounds natural.

Police didn’t took any time to find us another home and a guardian and the life was probably going to be better this time, at least until we are attacked again which I suppose was sure to happen in future.
Okay, this sentence needs to be rephrased. First off, I think the police would hand the kids over to a Social Security home of sorts. Not to another house immediately. And as Shubhi mentioned, you have a little didn't confusion.

Let's make it simple:
Don't go for a literal translation from any Indian language to English because the sentence structure and verbs will vary.
In English,
[Subject] didn't [infinitve form of verb minus to]
The infinitive form is like : 'to write, to walk, to play etc.'

PM me if you have questions.
~Lava
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Pretending in words was too tentative, too vulnerable, too embarrassing to let anyone know.
- Ian McEwan in Atonement

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Hello :)

I'm back.

spoke it up


I know what you're trying to say, but this doesn't make sense.

They're others like this in the piece, but nothing to major.

It is a vast improvement from the first, and I am glad you edited it.

I'm sorry to bring this up again but Kelly still sounds to old. I think it is the word misinformed that makes her sound old. I would use a thesaurus and try to find another word.

I think if you do these little things, that you will then be ready to do chapter 2.

I will gladly review chapter 2 or re-do this one if you need me to.

Keep it up, it's getting there.

PM for anything.

~Retro Disco666
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~Francoise Sagan




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“Indeed, I am. But may I know who you are and why do you seem so much interested in a kid?” I replied

Unexpected reply for a kid, but okay I'll go along with it.

There was a ten seconds silence after which he opened his mouth once again, “Your parents are murdered.

Perhaps saying "Your parents are dead." Or, "Your parents were murdered" as another reviewer pointed out, is best.

Ultimately you have good character development, even though what comes out of your character Tim's mouth isn't always what the reader expects. He appears very mature for a "kid" but the overall quality of your writing is this character's asset.

Example:
Police didn't take any time to find us another home and a guardian and the life was probably going to be better this time, at least until we are attacked again which I suppose was sure to happen in future. But there is one thing that is not resolved, what did Clark mean when he said that our parents are murdered on a purpose? And that was the string that raised many other questions in my mind.


Usually a sentence does begin with "And" or "But" yet you managed to defy this rule without compromising the smoothness of your chapter. This best exemplifies the quality and effort you put into this chapter. Keep on writing.

Sincerely,
-Elitehusky




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@EliteHusky,
Hey! Thanks for the review, the way you looked at this chapter I got some more ideas about it. But I have to go school now, so I will start my editing when I'm back!

And I've put out the second chapter, have a look if you're interested.

-Chetan Bhasin
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Don't be pushed around by the fears in your mind. Be led by the dreams in your heart.
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