Soot and Flowers (Part 2)

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This is the second part of my short story for English, if you missed the first part. Here is the link. topic67404.html

Outside the hospital the city was in different states of ruin; they seemed to be divided into those that were burning, those that were burnt and in ruin, and those that were on their way to becoming dirt. He saw a number of human looking creatures, but he didn't stop, as most of them were rocking on their heels and looking generally insane. The landscape changed when he was about halfway home; suddenly everything was shining and brilliantly colorful. There were many more people too. However, as Justin came closer to several of them, they struck him as confused and thoughtless, if happy. One person was trying to get past a fence that divided his lawn and his neighbors. He kept running into the fence and bouncing off, falling over, getting back up, and running into it again. The whole time he had a broad enthusiastic grin on his face.

As Justin pulled up to his house, he noticed that it was...different. It looked brighter, like it had been polished. It looked more majestic. As he walked up the driveway he felt a infectious cheerfulness come over him. He entered his house with a hop in his step and he hung up his coat with a joy that he hadn't felt in years. There was a sound like that of silk behind him; Justin turned. Standing in front of him was a very tall creature. It looked human, but it was glowing with a radiance that should not have existed.
“Welcome home,” it said. Its voice was silky, Justin felt that he could believe anything it said. “Please, enjoy yourself, I was just stopping by to see that you were settled in.”
“Oh, thank you,” Justin stammered. He looked down at his shoes. A star shaped flower was sitting on his foot, as he watched, it wilted. The wilting flower from the hospital brought him back to his senses with a sudden jerk. “But I think I must be going home.”
“Oh? But isn't this home?”
“No, no, I'm afraid it isn't.” Even as he said this, he decided to stay, at least one night. A voice in the back of his head screamed. Shaking, he pulled the rapier from his belt where he had stored it. The creature was too big a target to miss. Justin flung the rapier in its direction and ran. He turned for one moment to look behind him and he saw black ash pouring from the chest of the creature. He looked forward again, and ran straight into a white wall. A white padded wall.
Snarling he stood up and spun around, he wasn't in that strange house any more. He was in a small, white padded room. A door was set into one wall, on the other side of it was a note. He walked over to it to see if he could read it backwards. Justin saw enough. He had been unconscious when he returned home, and it was assumed he was insane. He cursed loudly. Turning quickly he walked over to the white padded couch in one corner. I am not going to get stuck here, I will not sit here and rot away. Looking down again he noticed a note that hadn't been there before.
Hey, its me, or actually its you. This all seems very strange I'm sure, but you just have to trust me. Famous last words, I know. But just do it, okay? If its okay, then there will be more to this note on the other side.
Justin flipped the note over, quickly.
So, basically everything that is happening has to do with time. Those things you killed, they are eating time. There are separate side effects for each, so you can tell which one you are around at the moment. Its really obvious, except if you think you are in the real world. Follow? Probably not, but whatever. You will, soon. Basically everything is bloated around those with roses for blood. Everyone is happy and stupid around the others. If you kill one, then the area will slowly start to return to normal. However in order for you to return to your time, you have to collect some time. Time is different in the reality created by that virus (oh, I forgot to mention that, that other place you were in, that is created by the virus that you were working with.). Time is power, if you get enough power, you can beat it at its own game, just make sure you don't lose your mind in the process. Good luck, I'll speak to you later, if you make the right choices.
He set his right hand upon a squishy armrest and closed his eyes. He imagined the situation that started all this, every minute detail, everything he could remember.

He opened them. He was back.
Last edited by Isaac on Sun Jul 25, 2010 5:59 pm, edited 1 time in total.
-[user]Isaac[/user]




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Hello!

Okay so, onto this.

Well, I get the vibe that this might be a more Sci-fi piece. It gives me a vague idea of traveling between alternate universes. I'm not sure if that's what you were trying for.
Okay, on the title. I like it and how you've linked it to the creatures' blood, if that's what it is called. It's interesting.
But the vagueness still confuses me. I'm not entirely sure what happened. I wish you edit this and show us a few more details and answers so that it would make a much better story.
I like how you've handled the info in the previous chapter; you have good skill. I just wish you could throw us light on what happened to fully appreciate this. Nevertheless, good work.

~Lava
~
Pretending in words was too tentative, too vulnerable, too embarrassing to let anyone know.
- Ian McEwan in Atonement

sachi: influencing others since GOD KNOWS WHEN.





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Hey there! Irish is here to review for you! (That's right. I rhyme.)

So, I thought this is very well written, and although I didn't read the first part, I still liked it. :) I agree with Lava that this feels very Sci-fi. But I found the sudden changes in the room to be confusing. >.<

Two things I saw:

Outside the hospital the city was in different states of ruin; they seemed to be divided into those that were burning, those that were burnt and in ruin, and those that were on their way to becoming dirt.


Adding the "and" sounds alot better to me, or making that comma, a semicolon? Just a thought ^^

“Welcome home,” it said. Its voice was silky, Justin felt that he could believe anything it said. “Please, enjoy yourself, I was just stopping by to see that you were settled in.”
“Oh, thank you,” Justin stammered. He looked down at his shoes. A star shaped flower was sitting on his foot, as he watched, it wilted. “But I think I must be going home.”


I think this change in emotion is a little too sudden and unexplained. Before this creature appeared Justin was entirely happy, now that it's there he's stammering and he suddenly feels like he has to leave although it says he feels like he can trust this creature? It's a little confusing. Maybe describe his thoughts more?

Overall:
Like I said, I liked it :) You have very nice description and the suspense is interesting! Just a few confusing points that can be easily figured out.

Keep up the good work! <3

- Irish :superman:
I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant. - Robert McCloskey

Teacher: What do we, in the U.S enjoy from places like Mexico?
Student: Wait, legally?

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Thank you for your help! I think I changed it to make the emotion change less weird. The change of room was supposed to be weird though. I also added that last part (the note) to help things make more sense. I hope its better now. If you want me to review anything just PM me!
-[user]Isaac[/user]



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