Broken Souls

Broken Souls

Broken Souls

She floats from place to place,
Living on the streets
With no purpose left in life
She is to be remembered by none
And although she is there in body,
She is not in mind or soul

Her life was ruined
By people she thought were her friends
There is no place to run
And no place to hide
Sorrow always catches up to her
Her eyes, once full of life
Are empty of all emotion
She is just another broken soul


I dunno...This was really just a first draft of something a little different...

First draft summed this up nicely.

with all of your comments about my weak poetry on topics that had been used hundredsof times, i tried something a little bit different and i liked the result better, so thx

do you have anmy suggestions for this poem?

Maybe some punctuation could help. Nice poem. Depressing, but good.

Oh, don't get me wrong, this is a by far better poem than your recent additions. Things I would lump in with the movie about Lemony Snicket's books. This was much better, but it's still a first draft, and that's obvious.

I know that it is still a first draft and all, but does anyone have suggestions to fix it?? I am brain dead...Will look at it again in the morning...

be more specific. add some more concrete things to make it more real. it's too general.

i like the meaning behind this poem...
i just think maybe you need to work on
the rhythm a bit more... it should flow
better but dont worry im sure you can
come up with something!

Yes, I think it's pretty good...I don't really have any constructive criticism, so all I can say is good job and work on it some more...see what you get! I don't have anything to compare it to, so I can't say if it's better or worse than something else you've written.

Yay for you, nicklepickle! You've improved a great deal and for that I commend you heartily. A little bit of constructive criticism -

She floats from place to place,
Living on the streets
With no purpose left in life
She is to be remembered by none
And although she is there in body,
She is not in mind or soul

This is good, but I dont like the line 'She is to be remembered by none'. It disrupts the flow, to my way of thinking. I would either remove it altogether or ... well, I'd just remove it altogether, lol.

Her life was ruined
By people she thought were her friends
There is no place to run
And no place to hide
Sorrow always catches up to her
Her eyes, once full of life
Are empty of all emotion
She is just another broken soul

This is OK but like convintojm says, a bit general. You're falling back on cliches and shallowness again. I find with your poems you seem to skate the surface, and while that's fine (I guess), if you want to get better you need to look deeper and create images that are unique to you.

Still, a good effort and definitely an improvement.

Cheers!
~bubble

I took the crude advice you gave in GRIEF and read this and yes it was fairly decent.
This hoonestly sounds sort of like the story I'm writing only my character chooses to leave her friends and wander around with nobody to be there for her. And her past is her sorrow...
Ramble done.
I really liked this... (is not good at complimenting...)