Fledgling: a Short Story, Pt. 2/2

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This is the second part of my story for Durrie's contest. If you took the time to read the first part, thanks.


They learned that griffins had different colorations depending on where they lived. They learned that some had the gift of human speech, while others could even read. They learned that griffins could almost be as intelligent as dragons, and have always had a rivalry with dragons since the age of Darkwalk. It said that griffins were excellent mounts, if they had the proper training. It was a Sunday, or five days since they met, that the boy asked the griffin a question.

"So, Mister Griffin, would you mind giving me a ride sometime on your back through the sky?"

The griffin scoffed and lunged back.

Not on your life.

"Oh, come on! I could be the warrior, and you could be my trusted steed. Together we could set out and rid the world of evil!"

When the boy talked like that, the griffin knew he was quoting some book or another.

Get your head out of the sky, fledgling. You will never ride me. It would be unseemly.

"But the village boys would be so jealous. They would run away from me instead of the otherway around!"

The village boys chased you? I thought you had a nice home.

The boy blushed and twiddled his thumbs.

"I lied. I lied, Mister Griffin. I'm sorry."

Care to tell me what your life is like, then?

Drawing back, his head low, the boy spoke.

"I was...sold, by my parents to a miller here. They couldn't manage to feed me, you know. Times are hard with the war and all."

The griffin solemnly agreed. The war between Katania and Ciel was a bloody and drawn out war that had taken the lives of creature and human alike. Its beginnings were so convoluted and long ago that some of the younger children in the village simply thought it had been around forever.

"They don't like me here in Ciel because I'm part Marithan, an ally of Katania. Even though I've never even seen the place in my life! That's how I got this:"

He pulled back a dirty sleeve to reveal a long scar that ran up the length of his arm.

"The boys were dueling with their new swords. They told me I would be good practice."

The boy wiped at his eye and pulled his knees to his chest. The two shared a small moment of silence before the boy talked again.

"So, what about you?"

It's a long story.

"I think I can wait to go back home," the boy answered.

The griffin lay down and closed its eyes as if asleep.

I used to be more than I am now. I used to be the leader of my flock. My name used to be Kethar. In your language that means ‘noble’, I believe. I was challenged by a fledgling and I lost. I bet you could guess what happens after that.

The boy perked up and began to recite a passage from the griffin book.

“‘A leader who has lost the challenge for power is therefore exiled from its former colony. It therefore loses its title, its flock, and its name.’... You lost even your name? I guess that beats me. My parents never named me so I didn't have to go through the trouble of losing it," the boy said grimly. He walked to the griffin and slowly reached out his hand. "I think I know why we understand each other. It's because we are outcasts; nobodies. I don't know about you, but I am tired of being alone. So let's not be acquaintances anymore. Let's be friends." The boy gently rested his hand on the griffin's head and stroked its soft feathers. The griffin did not draw away, but kept its eyes closed. It let out a small purring noise in spite of itself and the boy laughed. The griffin just huffed.

"I think we are going to have to find you a new name, Mr. Griffin."

Like what?

The boy rubbed his chin and then snapped his fingers as if he had thought of something.

"How about Gray?"

Gray? Are we naming each other after what we look like? If that's the case, then your new name is "Ugly".

"Oh shut up. I'm not that ugly, dang it. Do you like your new name?"

I..Suppose it could grow on me.

The boy clapped his hands in delight.

"Then pick a name for me!"

The griffin-or should I say Gray- sat up and scratched the back of its head with its clawed forefront before its eyes lit up.

Valerius. Your new name is Valerius.

The boy scrunched up his nose and stuck out his tongue.

"Don't I have a choice in the matter?" he asked. When the griffin shook its head, the boy sighed and agreed. "Just call me Vale, okay?"

Gray nodded and yawned. Vale yawned too. Vale crawled over to Gray, and very slowly snuggled against him. When the griffin did not fight back, Vale sighed and pressed his head softly against its side.

You are not a nobody you know, the griffin thought, you taught yourself how to read, and are getting better. You work
hard every day. It's clear that you have ambitions. I think you will be a knight like you want someday.


"Thanks, Gray. Good night."

Good night.

"Gray?"

Yes?

"I kind of sort of love you. Is that okay?"

It's fine. I kind of sort of like you too.

"Aw, you didn't say love!"

Good night!


It seemed that their new names also gave the griffin and the boy a special bond that seemed to grow larger with each day. And it did grow each day, for without fail Valerius would visit Gray at the stroke of morning. Gray even taught itself to wait outside the cave until Vale arrived. In time, the griffin book was forgotten at home and the two just talked together, day and night. The two friends took walks through the forest, which could turn out very good or bad depending on what Vale decided to do. One more than one occasion Vale would run away and hide from Gray in some bushes, only to get stuck on the thorns. Gray would have to get its fur dirty to get him out, but it did not care so much because Vale would always laugh as it did so.

One time Vale tried to trick Gray into giving him a ride, which ended in disaster. He climbed up a small tree and refused to get down until Gray flew up and got him. Gray, being a rather large griffin, tackled the tree and knocked it over. Vale landed on Gray's back. Griffin and boy walked to the cave together, Vale on Gray's back. (Mostly because Vale was too excited to get off.)

Vale soon could read fluently, and now that he had mastered his new skill, he longed for more. He soon began to sharpen sticks and sword fight against trees and boulders, imagining the stones where monsters and evil knights.

Your form is wrong, Gray thought one day as Vale wailed harmlessly against a tree. If you are going to be a knight you'll have to do better than that.

"Like you could do better. You don't even have thumbs!"

The griffin let out a warning cough and Vale quickly apologized.

I don't need thumbs to kill things easily. I am my own weapon. As you know, my claws are ten times sharper than steel. Harder, too. My stomach can digest stones in less than a day. My breath can wilt the sturdiest of flowers. I am stronger than a wyvern. My massive wings can-

"Okay, okay," Vale interrupted, putting his hand on his chest, "griffins are awesome. Why don't you use some of your griffin magic on me, then?"

Okay, but I will teach you how to survive in a griffinly manner, not how silly humans fight.

"And that would be...?"

And so Gray taught Vale to its best ability how to fight in a griffinly manner. It did so pretty well, if Gray said so itself. By the end of the month Vale was able to climb trees as fast as a wood sprite. By the end of the year, he was able to keep up with Gray if it slowed itself to a trot. By the end of the sixth month of the new year, Vale knew the forest better than his own town. Vale had started to fill out a bit by two years, and he had grown taller and more muscular.
Despite all this, a sad thought entered Gray's mind.

This is all great, but when will it end?


That night, in the dim lighting of its cave, Gray pondered his current situation. It had been counting the days, with Vale's help, and it realized that it had been almost a year and two months since they had first met. How time flies when one is not alone. Gray also knew that any griffin would look upon it with shame. It had let a human-a boy no less-name it. It had taught the boy how to fight with the fierceness of a griffin. Gray had let itself be touched, even stroked by a human hand. Gray shook its head and let out a sigh. Vale's large brown eyes appeared in its mind. Vale was growing too attached, and even though Gray liked him dearly, it also knew that it was not a good idea to keep relations with a human. It was time for Vale to make friends. Human friends.

It was against the Code for Gray to remain with Valerius any longer. It would have to leave.
It's in his best interest, the griffin thought. It has nothing to do with me.

But the griffin's heart hurt all the same.

Gray decided to wait for the boy to come the next morning before it departed. After all, leaving without saying goodbye was too much for even a proud griffin to deign. Finding it could not sleep, it simply watched the entrance to the cave until morning.

When Vale appeared the next day, sun filtering through his dark brown hair, Gray let out a sigh.
"I was thinking we could go outside and hunt a little. We haven't done that in a while...What's wrong, Gray? Had
something bad for breakfast?" Vale asked. He let out a laugh, which cracked a little. His voice had been doing that a lot lately. Clearing his throat, Vale waited for an answer, knowing Gray preferred to answer things quickly.

Valerius, I think it's time for me to leave you.

The words shot through Vale's heart and left him standing there, stunned.

"What? Why?"

It's not right for a griffin and a human to be together. Think about the code.

"Who gives a curse about the code? We've been together for two years, no need to stop now! You're the only friend I have, Gray!"

That is the problem. You need to see what else life has to offer, Valerius. I have to go.

"We can see what else life has to offer together! We can set out and travel. I'm fourteen. I'm old enough to leave now."

That won't work, Valerius. Do you really think that is the best thing to do? I'm only thinking about what is best for you.

"Leaving me alone isn't the best thing! We've been together for so long-please don't leave me, Gray. Please!" Vale shouted. "I don't want to be alone again. Please don't leave me." Sobs broke forth and tears began to stream down Vale's
face.

The griffin did not answer, but left the cave to go. It did not look back. He was far away before he heard Vale shouting at him.

"Who needs you!? Who needs a stupid griffin like you to travel? I can take care of myself. It's what I've always done! I can't believe I even liked you! Just go, you stupid, fat, ugly creature. Just go!" Vale ran away into the forest, out of sight but not out of mind. Knowing that he was not coming back, Gray took flight.

Flying away, memories swept into Gray's mind. They burned in his brain and tortured him. What if Valerius really tried to run away? He was property of the miller. There was no way he'd let him go without a fight, no matter how little Valerius did for him. If things got bad, they would get worse. Gray gulped, but shook his head. Now was not the time for remorse. But what if Vale...

Gray knew what he had to do. He had to go the the village. He had to see if Valerius was fine.

Avoid humans, the code rang in Gray's head, no contact.

But what has the code taught for me, Gray thought, when a boy taught me the most important thing of all?

The village's name was Koro. It was small and mundane, consisting of several dozen huts and cottages, a church, and a mill. The people's lives there were habitual and rehearsed, but being simple folk they were all right with that. The town was full of dirt paths that led to the village circle, and on one of those paths Valerius fell, bleeding and gasping for air. Two dirty boys with blonde hair and blue eyes cropped around him. A boy with a bloody nose kicked Vale in the side, rolling him over.

"You think you can just pack your bags and leave, half blood?" the blonde boy with a scar said.

Vale stood up and raised his fists.

"I am tired of your games, Kent. I'm not going to stand down any more-"

Bloody Nose, or Kent, punched Vale in the jaw, knocking the wind out of him and sending him onto the ground.
"Hey everyone! This boy thinks he's special! He thinks he‘s worth something! What do you think about that?" Kent shouted. He raised his arms and waved other people to gather around. More children stepped forth, even some of the elderly, but they did not go near Vale. Half bloods were not to be touched unless they were to be beaten. Vale did not care. This was his battle.

"Come on you little piece of trash, don't actually think people are going to help you. You have no friends. You are an Untouchable. You don't even have a name-"

"I do have a name." Vale said. He slowly stood up, wincing at the new pain in his jaw. "My name is Valerius. My old friend gave it to me."

The boy with the scar chuckled. He pulled a small knife from its sheath and then drew closer to Vale. The village boys followed suit, crowding Vale until there was nowhere to move.

"Not only are you stupid, you are insane. What friends, you little freak?"

Valerius suddenly felt something. A shiver of energy went down his spine, chilling but invigorating. He heard words pulse
into his head, calming him and soothing him. The words were warm and familiar.

I am coming for you, fledgling.

Valerius smiled and lifted his head to the sky. He pointed into the air and said simply,

"That friend."

The boys looked up and saw a shadow flash through the sky. In less than a moment the shadow took shape, and a large winged creature landed in a cloud of dust. Screaming at the monstrous sight, the boys ran away into the embraces of their mothers. Families fled into their homes. Kent did not get away, however. Gray had him under one large claw.

"Please, oh God please! Don't!" Kent wailed. He screamed so furiously that drool dripped down his chin, and his voice grew hoarse.

Should I eat him? Gray thought coolly.

"Nah," Valerius said, "I don't think so. I just want one thing..." Vale crouched down and looked Kent in the eye. "I'm not worthless. You're not worthless. Everything on this planet it here for some reason or another. It don't matter if we can't fly around the air spec...spec..nicely, or are different races. It's all about the inside. And I think my insides are pretty good. Right, Gray?"

I bet your insides would be tasty.

Ignoring his friend's comment, Vale turned to Gray and smiled.

"Does this mean you are going to still be my friend?"

It could.

"Does this mean I get to ride on your back?"

It would make for a nice exit, I suppose.

"And that you kind of sort of love me?"

Just get on!

Vale smiled and crawled onto Gray's back. Gray stretched his wings and with a single strong flap he was flying through the air. Vale smiled and giggled in spite of himself, admiring the setting of the sky. He ran his fingers through the griffin's fur and smiled. A respectable silence fell between the two; the kind where no words are said yet the bond still grows. Yet as the large expanses of land swept past them, a burden of heaviness fell onto the two friends.
Where do we go from here, they thought as one. But the answer was already with them.

Does it matter as long as we are together?

The two flew off, leaving Koro behind forever.

___{()}___

Thank you for taking the time to read this. Comments are appreciated!
It's writing prompt week on my blog a very random pickle!:
http://veryrandompickle.blogspot.com/




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You still tend to refer to Gray as "him" sometimes, "it" other times.




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This will be a review for both parts of this story.

A very fun, enjoyable read. It touches on several emotional issues like pride, love, friendship.

Plot: 9/10
The plot was immensely enjoyable to read about. The developing bond between Vale and Gray was the highlight of the entire story and I enjoyed how they interacted with each other, learning new things from one another.
Character: 10/10
This was my favorite part of the entire story. Vale and Gray are very believable characters, despite this being in the Fantasy-genre. I liked how Vale grew up from a lost child to a determined, high-spirited adolescent. Gray was my favorite character -- the development of his conscience as a result of his relationship with Vale was wonderful. I liked how Gray slowly transformed from a firmly proud and solitary character into one that had doubts.
Grammar, punctuation: 9/10
There were no major, noticeable problems with grammar and punctuation. You sometimes switch between referring to Gray as "him" and "it". The usage of some words were just slightly questionable, but there was nothing that hindered the story. You forgot to italicize some of Gray's thoughts.
Theme: 10/10
The theme of this story was fantastic -- how opposites attract. Vale and Gray had such conflicting personalities in the beginning of the story, but then they've developed a unique friendship by the end of it.

Total: 38/40
Average: 9.5/10
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Hey Esther, Stella here!

I. NITPICKS

dragons since the age of Darkwalk.


Darkwalk? We have no idea what this is.

Its beginnings were so convoluted and long ago that some of the younger children in the village simply thought it had been around forever.

"They don't like me here in Ciel because I'm part Marithan, an ally of Katania. Even though I've never even seen the place in my life! That's how I got this:"


Wow wow wow, okay. So, the first part of your story is all happy happy boy-and-his-griffin. Now there are lots of name places and a war and things we haven't heard about until this point.

My parents never named me so I didn't have to go through the trouble of losing it," the boy said grimly.


And no one called him anything? The miller, the village boys?
"Okay, okay," Vale interrupted, putting his hand on his chest, "griffins are awesome. Why don't you use some of your griffin magic on me, then?"


Okay and awesome are both very modern words. And the griffin, who speaks very formally, is about to use "okay" as well.
It's not right for a griffin and a human to be together. Think about the code.


Code isn't capitalised anymore.

"Who gives a curse about the code? We've been together for two years, no need to stop now! You're the only friend I have, Gray!"


I thought it was a year and two months.

Alright.

II. CONFLICT

This is a sweet story, but I feel like you could drag your conflict out much more than you're doing at the moment. Gray's conflict about leaving or not leaving, build it up! Make it stronger. Then the final scene with Kent, give us a reason to be interested. Right now, it's just schoolyard bully stuff, in fact, if I were Gray, I would let Vale handle it on his own, it'd be character building. But it's your big climax, yet I'm not really feeling that it's as developed as you should be. Conflict, along with characters, is what often makes a story. So let it make yours.

III. OVERALL

Another small thing was that I don't like how you spent a lot of time on the detail of five days, then skipped over two years, yet your characters remain the same. I always hate that in stories, it doesn't work. The same with talking about the countries, giving everything names. Mostly, it's sort of pointless. It doesn't add to the story.

But mostly, I like this. Your voice is nice, and it's a sweet idea with some good characters. Just needs a little polishing!

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010




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The plot was good lol
I loved it...there's a bit of humour in there and that's what made the story more enjoyable.
I really like the way it all went into place, from the really start you straight away know what the story is about, who the characters are and the introduction is very good...it helped me figure out what the whole thing is about, like who the griffins are and what type of creatures they are.
The only problem is that some sentences are a bit confusing,
Had something bad for breakfast?"

But apart from that I loved it :D :D
"We love the ones that ignore us
But ignore the ones that love us"

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