Revenge (Edited & Added onto)

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I'm thinking about putting this piece into a Short Story competition. Could somebody please help me fix it up? Tell me what your opinions are. Cheers, Born. :D

My body hurt from being hunched over so long, I yearned to stretch out my stiff legs and to crack my back. But the drowning fear in me kept me still. My heart pounded so loudly, I’m sure it would give away my place. I keep trying to tell myself this is just like hide and seek but the only difference is if you get found, you die. At that thought my whole body began to shake uncontrollably, my teeth chattering. Around me were my class mates huddled under there own desks, completely terrified, their eyes huge and haunted. Some were trying to muffle their cries into the crook of their elbows, their shoulders shaking with the effort to stay quiet.
“L-Lindsay?” at the sound of my name I jumped; my heart almost flying out of my chest. I looked to my left and saw Heath, his big body bending in difficulty under a small desk. His face was streaked with tears, his dark green eyes coated with fear.
“What?” even though I was whispering, my broken voice sounded too loud for the hushed room.
“Why do you think this is happening?” his words caught in his throat, and a tear rolled from his eye.
“I don’t know.” I answered, honestly.
The shooting had started about an hour ago. I thought it was a backfire from a car. So I ignored it and carried on with my essay I was writing for English, concentrating on remembering where to put my commas and when to drop a paragraph; completely lost in thought.
Then there was a scream - it was close - maybe in the next hallway along. Then another shot and I realised then it wasn’t a backfire. I can’t even begin to explain how I felt. My body just seized up, my blood running cold through my veins; my heart beat instantly increasing in speed. Then all the sounds I had been missing in my state of shock evaded my ears, sounding so loud I’m sure my ears would burst with the pressure. Yelling, screaming, crying – that’s all I could hear while I sat in the middle of it all, dumbfounded. Rumours of what was going on flew around the room, snippets of information falling into place.
“Clark Mell shooting everyone…”
“Mr Clyde’s dead, second shot…”
“He’s looking for someone…”
Mrs Livingston yelled at us to get under our desks, everyone followed her instructions, even though just seconds before they had been refusing to stop talking and to get on with writing their essays. Now everyone was silent, listening. I had watched as Mrs Livingston made her shaking legs move to the door to lock it shut and – with the help of Heath and Steve – pushed a book case in front of it. Everyone was under desks then, away from the door so nobody could see us if they were to walk past. I was stuck to my seat, my palms sweating, and my body aching with fear.
“Lindsay, you have to move.” Clinton had said. When I didn’t he grabbed me underneath my armpits, physically putting me below my desk, and then scrambled to his. Now we all sat completely still scared to even breathe, listening for a sound to figure out where Clark was. But there was only silence, something that filled up and engulfed us like a swarm of smoke, which would make even a pin drop sound like an avalanche. The last painfully loud screech of the firearm was at least ten minutes ago. Even though everyone wasn’t talking I could feel what they were all thinking, the same things I was.
“How many dead?”
“Are we the only ones left?”
“Why?”
My last thought lay heavy on my skull, a huge weight pressing down on me, like if it pushed hard enough the answer would pop out. I tried to imagine Clark Mell in my head, picture the person that was causing this chaos, ruining peoples lives. The Clark Mell I pictured could never hand in a school assignment late, let alone kill people. His body is small and scrawny, resembling a stick, like a big enough gust of wind could blow him away. When he walked around the school his eyes adverted to the floor; his back would be hunched, like the weight of the world was crushing him. His hair went down to just below his ears, dark brown, and always greasy. No matter how many times he pushed it away from his face it always flopped back in less than a second. He wore big round glasses that reminded me of Harry Potters. He seemed pretty nice though, I only had one class with him; Science. He always said hi to me when he saw me. But soon that stopped, people made fun of him for the way he acted, the way he looked – especially his hair and glasses. They made fun of him for talking to me, that he wasn’t ‘cool’ enough. I felt bad, but soon I was caught up in it all, calling him names as he walked by, watching as his back hunched over more and he seemed to shrink in on himself. Soon I was just like everyone else. A bully. And now this was his revenge, killing everyone that hurt and killed parts of him ever since he stepped foot into pre-school. I started to shake more gradually loosing control of myself, like little pieces of me were slowly starting to fly away, leaving me with nothing but the inescapable fear that threatened to strangle me. A strange whimpering sound entered the room, making my heart rate increase.
“Shhh!” I heard Steve shush me. Only then did I realise I was quietly sobbing, my fear escaping me in salt water. I buried my face in my arm, waiting for my tears to run dry as we all listened for something, anything, to happen. Suddenly a shot so loud rung through out the room, it left my ears buzzing and my head spinning. Someone whimpered while another started to cry. There was a scream and someone else yelled, ‘Help!’ - a last desperate attempt to be saved, then there was another shot. It sounded close, maybe four rooms away. A sob burst from my lips before I could stop it. I had recognize that voice – Ally, my best friend since I was five years old, someone who was afraid of dying more than anything in the world. I remember once she asked me if dying was like falling forever. She used to cry for hours straight just worrying about it, – she had English this period too, in room 12, just three rooms away. I felt arms wrap around me and the desk move from over me, I felt oddly exposed.
“Ally.” I murmured into Heaths chest, I could feel his body shaking under me, with me.
“Shhh, I know.” He tried to sooth. But all I could see in my head was Ally, her small body falling off the earth and never hitting solid ground again.
“Please be quiet!” someone begged us in a shy voice. We both fell silent. I muffled my wet snotty cries into Heaths chest and gripped onto him like he was my life preserver. Three shots fired, getting closer. I whimpered and held on even tighter to Heath. My heart ached slightly at the thought of loosing him, because of course we were going to die there was no doubt about it. We were both mean to Clark, Heath maybe just a little worse than me. Heath and I were best friends, and he had just asked me to go on a date with him – this Friday, tomorrow. Tears escaped my eyes for a whole other reason. More shots, one, two, three…four, no screams this time. The shots sounded like fireworks exploding, and if I closed my eyes and thought about it hard enough I could imagine I was some where else, somewhere happy, where the sky was exploding with colour and light…not blood. I thought about my little brother – whose birthday is today, turning fifteen. He was meant to be having a party after school; a group of his friends were coming around probably just to play Xbox. He had science this period, Lab B. Was he still alive, still in this world? Or was he falling forever in time along side Ally? I thought about all my friends spread out over the school, English, maths, science, food technology. Were they still here?
“I love you.” Heath whispered then, breaking my thoughts off. I stared up into his huge green eyes, the eyes I fell in love with over the years, the eyes that always remind me of summer, lush green grass, high temperatures and the sun directly above in the sky. I had watched as Heath grew and matured, from a child to a young adult until now – an almost adult; his eighteenth birthday was in three months. I remember when we were eight; he came to a family and friends Christmas dinner and ignored me the whole night. I had stolen his bouncy ball the day before and refused to give it back. Apparently it was his favourite one, he forgot about it in less that a week though, I still have it. When we were thirteen and he saved up all his pocket money over six months and bought me a love heart necklace, white around the edge and pink in the middle – which I still wear now – and gave it to me for my birthday. At the age of sixteen when he kissed me on New Years Eve and then told me later it was all a dare, I cried for three hours straight. And then two nights ago when we sat in his car after he was dropping me off from a party. The sun was just falling into the sea, like the water was putting it out, and he asked me on a date. No dare this time. I was so happy I couldn’t sleep all night; I planned what I was going to wear and how I was going to do my hair and make-up. As another shot filled the air I came back to reality, Heath sat silently and watched me his eyes filled to the brim with tears.
“I love you too.” I choked out through my own tears. Another bang, another terrified scream only this time it was closer. So close it sounded right in the very room. My heart thudded erratically; it felt heavy like it was made of lead. My body shook violently while the blood running through my veins felt like ice stabbing through me. There was a bang on the door to our room, room nine. Someone screamed, and sobbing erupted like a volcano in the room, no one was quiet now. We had been found. There was another bang to the door, a screech of the gun, more banging, another shot. It felt like such a short time before the lock rattled open by the force on the other side, and the book shelf got shoved forward slightly. A scream, a sob, and someone yelled, ‘STOP IT, PLEASE!’ I gripped onto Heath as my heart reached fill speed in my chest, a feeling of disbelief ran through my blood stream. A shove to the door, a rattle of the lock, a thunk of the door hitting the book shelve.
“Is Lindsay Kingston in there?” I recognized Clark’s voice straight away, slightly deep and nasally. My whole body froze; Heath tightened his grip on me.
“He’s been looking for her.” I heard someone say, it sounded like Mrs Livingston. Someone else in their panic yelled out, ‘Yes, yes she is!’ With a final shove to the door Clark made a gap big enough for him to fit through, and he walked in the gun resting easily in his hand. He looked totally different; his eyes were crazed, wild. He had no glasses on and his eyes looked huge without them. He had his hair cut; it was now short, stuck up with gel all over his head. He looked older, more mature and totally…evil. He smirked when he saw me, a slow creepy smile falling over his face. I shivered and squirmed into Heaths side, who wrapped his arms more protectively around me.
“Always so beautiful,” he murmured. Someone sobbed and he lifted his arm and shot them, without flinching or even seeming to care. In fact I think he found some pleasure in it, like he was finally in control. I squealed and hid my eyes from the blood that now trickled from Mrs Livingston’s head. Without another pause he reloaded his gun, still smiling. He then lifted his arm and went to shoot Steve but he jumped to the left, anticipating Clark’s moves and the bullet got Rachel instead. Her body fell limp to the floor her blonde hair acting as a veil over her eyes. Patricia squealed and made a break for the exit; she had only climbed to her knees when she was shot straight between the eyes, her body folding in on it self and fell right next to Rachel’s. Their hair matted together in a mixture of blonde, black and a pool of red. Steve tried to push Tyler and Kristen towards the door while Clark was sidetracked. Kristen could hardly move, she was bent over sobbing hysterically. Clark spun around and shot them in the back. I couldn’t look anywhere now without seeing blood or blank, dead, staring eyes. I started sobbing hysterically; mimicking Kristen’s terrified sobs when he lifted the gun again.
“DON’T!” Heath yelled, and pulled me behind him just as a shot filled the room. Heath went limp and fell to the floor.
“NO!” I sobbed, scrambling to his side. His eyes were still open his heart still trying to frantically beat.
“I’ll always be here for you, babe, forever and always,” he choked out, as a gurgling sound took over his words, “Your guardian angel…” and then he was gone, his last breathe whispering my name. I stood up facing Clark, the killer, the person who just murdered my only – and first – love and possibly half the school if no one had managed to get free.
“You!” I shook angrily as I went to confront him, but before I could carry on a slow smile crept over his face, he lifted the gun slightly. Another shot filled the room, a final shot, and then blackness overtook me.
**
My eyes fluttered open to the sound of struggle and low muted voices, my leg ached, throbbed. The light above my head felt too bright, and way too clear. Then my memory came back, the shooting, the scared screams, the bright red blood, Clark’s crazed eyes…Heath. My heart ached as I thought of him, and I gave an involuntary sob. I sat up woodenly, and looked down to see someone bandaging my leg where a bullet had been shot. They tried to get me to lie back, but I ignored them. Clark was being handcuffed, the police finally here, and his eyes shone with a hint of victory. Heath lay out next to me, eyes closed, forever at rest. I tried to ignore the pool of blood around his head as tears poured down my cheeks.
“WHY?!” I yelled at Clark who was being dragged from the room, he paused and turned to look at me, “Why didn’t you kill me too?”
He shook his head sadly, like I should know the answer, like it was obvious.
“Because you used to be good,” He stated, “With them gone you can go back to that.” And then he was pulled from the room, leaving broken hearts and death behind, a smile still covering his face.
:D




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Hey there!

This is definitly a very much improved version of the first draft; at times the emotions and descriptions were so vivid that I felt like I was in the room.

I did start to lose concentration a bit in the middle; it might be that there was too much description at one point, or simply because some the paragraphs were too long. For example:

My last thought lay heavy on my skull, a huge weight pressing down on me, like if it pushed hard enough the answer would pop out. I tried to imagine Clark Mell in my head, picture the person that was causing this chaos, ruining peoples lives. The Clark Mell I pictured could never hand in a school assignment late, let alone kill people. His body is small and scrawny, resembling a stick, like a big enough gust of wind could blow him away. When he walked around the school his eyes adverted to the floor; his back would be hunched, like the weight of the world was crushing him. His hair went down to just below his ears, dark brown, and always greasy. No matter how many times he pushed it away from his face it always flopped back in less than a second. He wore big round glasses that reminded me of Harry Potters. He seemed pretty nice though, I only had one class with him; Science. He always said hi to me when he saw me. But soon that stopped, people made fun of him for the way he acted, the way he looked – especially his hair and glasses. They made fun of him for talking to me, that he wasn’t ‘cool’ enough. I felt bad, but soon I was caught up in it all, calling him names as he walked by, watching as his back hunched over more and he seemed to shrink in on himself. Soon I was just like everyone else. A bully. And now this was his revenge, killing everyone that hurt and killed parts of him ever since he stepped foot into pre-school. I started to shake more gradually loosing control of myself, like little pieces of me were slowly starting to fly away, leaving me with nothing but the inescapable fear that threatened to strangle me. A strange whimpering sound entered the room, making my heart rate increase.


I found this hard to read. It's a big chunk of information, and definitly needs to be broken down a bit. Maybe turn this in to two paragraphs. I'd put the description of Clark Mell in one paragraph, then the bullying bit in another.

I also found the paragraph about Heath a little too long. I think you described too many events between the MC and him, pulling the reader away from the story.

I did find a few errors (missing commas), but I'm sure with a thorough re-read you could find those.
Also, about dialogue. I spotted some mistakes, like this:

“I love you.” Heath whispered then


(the full stop should be a comma). I'll leave you with this article about punctuation in dialogue, it might help: topic44898.html

One more thing:

“You!” I shook angrily as I went to confront him


I don't think angrily is a strong enough word, keeping in mind that her boyfriend was just killed.

Overall, this is a good piece, and goodluck with the competition! I especially love the last sentence.

Hope I helped!

~Lilicia :)
“Life itself is the most wonderful fairy tale.”

~Hans Christan Andersen




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Hello there! I haven't read the pre-edited version, so apologies if I mention something that you were already aware of!

I'm not quite sure what to think of your opening paragraph--I think it's because until you reach the introduction of the classmates, every clause beings with I or my. At that point, you're showing us how Lindsay feels, but it's very hard to make any connections as to why she feels like this, and so it's harder to relate to her. I think if you introduced the others first, you're setting a little more of the scene, you're showing us the fear of everyone else, and then we know that there really is something to be afraid of, and so it makes the introspection that bit more powerful. Although, I think you could cut even some of that--although I do like the idea of trying to treat the whole thing like a game of hide and seek, it's a nice comparison.

The shooting had started about an hour ago. I thought it was a backfire from a car.


When you start off, you give us all this fear and terror and it's sort of an oooh, I wonder what's going on!, and then you just flat out tell us--it's a shooting. It takes out some of the excitement and mystery. After this it's little bit like a flashback, and you're just telling the reader what has happened up to this point, and so the whole thing is kinda flat... y'know?

At a certain point your paragraphs seem to balloon! It makes it a lot harder to read, as a large block of text like that is kinda daunting, and can turn into a chore to read. I know that I tend to start skimming when I come to huge chunks of texts (I'm terrible when it comes to classics where they can be a page long @_@). A couple of line breaks can really work wonders, and make the whole thing an awful lot more digestible.

I think you could probably cut a lot out of these large paragraphs though--being ruthless isn't easy, but it's often for the better. Go through and look for the little details which you've mentioned, but aren't really relevant. The brother's xbox, the party. You could just say that it was his birthday and that Lindsay was worried about him. I think I have the same issue with the section of Heath and Lindsay's memories--there's so many of them and they really slow down the story. I can see what you were trying to go for, but it reads a little bit like a life story--this happened to us at this time and then there was that and etc.. I think that there's other ways that you could present it, even something simple like they hug, and she can smell him, that same smell that's been there every time he's held her when she was crying or upset (if he ever did that for her), rather than telling us everything flat out.

He had his hair cut; it was now short, stuck up with gel all over his head. He looked older, more mature and totally…evil.


What a transformation, did he get his hair cut especially? I can understand why you might want to change him, take away some more of Clark's humanity, but what if he's still wearing his glasses? What if he's the same bookish hard-working boy that was picked on to such a degree that he just reached a point where it was all too much and snapped, rather than making him a complete monster?

One thing that runs through the whole piece is that the sentence structure is fairly same-y, and as a result isn't as interesting to read. One thing that I always find really useful for this is to read it out aloud to yourself, because when you're doing that it's easier to notice not only mistakes, or little bits that seemed to make sense when you typed them but on reflection don't sound quite right, but it can also make it easier to see where the flow would lie. It's easier to see how it would sound if it were natural speech when you're hearing it out loud :D

Overall I think that this, as it stands, is kinda bloated--like it's trying to carry too much of a back-story when there isn't really all the time to explain it all. I think if you were to pare it down a bit, it would really help things flow better and keep that excitement and pace going though out, rather then having it come and go.

Good luck with the competition! :D If you have any questions, or want me to explain or elaborate on anything I've mentioned, just shoot me a PM!

--Tinny
please grant me my small wish; (love me to the marrow of my bones)




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Thanks. I have edited it alot since i posted this, so alot of the structure sentences and long paragraphs have changed.
:D



If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven - and very, very few persons.
— James Thurber