hitman scene 1

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i've decided to write in scenes as opposed to chapters, it concentrates the story into smaller chunks because i don't think a four page essay would be as intresting to read online :D
i figured i should add to my last entry, this is continuing the story but following a different collague of the previous hitman, it will seem kinda obscure from the last one but as the plot builds up, you'll get the gist of it :) enjoy!

Scene 1

“...and they all lived happily ever after” he whispered, peering over the top of the storybook to check if she was asleep. Big shiny eyes peeked back at him; a cheeky smile appeared as their eyes met and she gave a girly giggle. “Again! Again!” she pleaded, her cheeks flushing pink with excitement. He wondered what made children so ecstatic about the prospect of another story. “No more, maybe we can read Cinderella tomorrow instead?” he said softly, quickly turning his gaze to the wall in order to avoid her tearful puppy dog eyes. He was unsuccessful. Sighing half-heartedly he gave in and grinned, “Just don’t tell dad” he muttered. He untangled her I.V. and tiptoed to his rucksack to get Cinderella out, desperately trying to shush her delighted squeaks. He snuggled back up to her, and read the fairytale in a low voice.
It was 12’o’clock in the children’s ward; acrimonious nurses tittered if you were loud in the middle of the day. If one saw her up now, they’d probably have a fit, but as long as his little sis was happy, he would risk it. He would read all night if it made her smile. Who said insomnia never came in handy?
4’o’clock, silence at last. He sat in the corner, staring wistfully at the moon through the window, neurotically snapping his head back round every minute or so to check on her sleeping figure. He hadn’t slept in three days, but he didn’t feel it. He heard the scuffling of shoes on the squeaky linoleum floor, “she’s been asleep for ages, honest” he quickly stuttered, instantly regretting it, his apologetic tone gave him away.
A man appeared, his figure illuminated in the moonlight; scruffily dressed in tatty knee-length denim shorts, a white tee and an open tattered red and black checked shirt over the top. He must be in his early twenties. His golden tan complemented his slim, but athletically muscular figure. He was unshaven and had knotted, messy brown hair. The stranger flashed his white teeth in a quick grin. “Uh, sorry dude, thought you were a nurse, they won’t let my sis stay up” he mumbled, thankful the shadows hid his embarrassed blush. “No issue man” the stranger chuckled, he had a thick Australian accent with a deep but friendly tone, not threatening “I’ve got a sister here to, that blonde nurse ain’t half a bitch”. Simon grinned in response, he relaxed, this guy was alright.
The stranger muttered ‘better get to the point...’ under his breath in a manner that made Simon assume he wasn’t meant to have heard. He approached slowly and collapsed on the armchair next to Simon, “look, I got a proposition for you man” his tone was still friendly but his face had a more serious expression, “what would you say if I told you I knew how to cure her cancer?”. Simon furrowed his brow, how did the stranger know about his sister? Maybe he was more sleep deprived than he first thought. The stranger mirrored his frown and growled “look dude, I’m no f**king illusion! Do you want a cure or not? I can make it happen, but if you’re not interested, I’ve got more important places to be”, he got up and put a hand out expectantly, offering a handshake, his aggressive demeanour vanishing as rapidly as it had formed. Simon jumped up, confused but desperate, he grabbed the stranger’s hand “how can you cure her, she’s only got about two weeks left?” Simon’s heart was beating faster, was he overjoyed? Or scared?
The stranger flashed his teeth in another brilliant smile, instantly relaxing “again, no issue with that. I’ll just ask for favours every now and again and your sister will be fine as soon as you accept my offer. I’ll tell you what; I’ll even write up the contract, all I need is your agreement to make it happen”. Hesitantly, Simon nodded, unable to verbalize his thanks. The stranger let go of Simon’s hand and he walked out of the ward, still grinning, his figure illuminated as he swaggered down the dark corridor.
But there was no more moonlight outside.
Last edited by roboninja on Thu Aug 19, 2010 8:45 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking? no, I'm thinking what I'm thinking




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Hi!
I thought this was great! A sense of character is developed very quickly by the way the main character cares so much about his sister, and the situation of the hospital is also very clear. I like your style of writing and I thought this was a good beginning; would be interested to read more. The way you left it hanging at the end was great too, it keeps readers interested.
There were just a couple of mistakes that I noticed:
It was 12’o’clock in the children’s ward; acrimonious nurses tittered if you were loud in the middle of the day.

Do you mean "in the middle of the night"?

Another thing was the dialogue. Whenever someone speaks you should take a new line.

Those are the only mistakes I noticed. I really enjoyed this! so thanks for the awesome story!!!

-pigeon
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I thought the story was overall good; I particularly liked the beginning, since I have a soft spot for stories that focus on children but aren't actually children's stories. As the other person pointed out, you need to start a new paragraph whenever someone new talks, and when you end a quotation, you need to put a comma if you use a dialogue tag (being he said, she exclaimed, etc) or a period if you use an action after it. Or, y'know, a question mark for a question, or an exclamation mark if you think it fits (these are used any time, not just when an action comes afterwards). If you just do some reformatting, I think this could be a very good story!



I will not condemn you for what you did yesterday, if you do it right today.
— Sheldon S. Maye