Breathing Insanity

If my brain had its own set of lungs,
I'd scream how I felt at you.
But since my mouth is mute and my hands are tied,
I'd rather not try, or just keep it all to myself.

There are demons in my head,
Scratching on its walls,
Rounding corners,
Screaming, screeching through megaphones.

I want to destroy things,
Flip the world over,
And light the fires.
One for the road to Hell, to death, to destruction.

Too many feelings lie atop my broken home of a chest.
No words will come out,
Therefore, I cannot hurt you.
I just keep it all inside, breathing in my own insanity.


I know that the end seems kind of choppy. Believe me, I've worked on it. Any suggestions?

Hey there StreetRat!

I'm Angel and I'll be your reviewer today.

Interesting poem you have here.

I love the emotions that you're trying to get across, but the way this poem is executed, seems a bit choppy.

If my brain had its own set of lungs,
I'd scream how I felt at you.

This line is a keeper.

It was the only line that popped.

From here on you have to keep the reader's attention, while getting the feelings across as well.

But since my mouth is mute and my hands are tied,
I'd rather not try, or just keep it all to myself.

One thing I didn't like is how you start off with a powerful line, and then you start talking about the mouth and hands and it really messed up everything for me.

The personification of your brain was lovely, and I would have expected you to build on that. You could keep these lines, just don't add them in here.

I think your main problem is that your poem isn't long enough to fit everything you need to say.

I'm not saying write a whole book, but make your poem a few stanzas longer if you feel you need to add more lines, which I think you do because right now I'm not feeling it, and that's what dramatic poetry is all about.

It's about feeling the narrator's joy, pain, happiness whatever.

And right now it just feels too choppy.

If you work out what you want this poem to be about, then I'm sure all the pieces will fall into place.

Good luck and I hope I was of some help.

Keep writing!

I love this. You explain your point so well by using your emotions and telling them how you feel. Keep doing what you doing!



DJ

This is my first review haha. but first of all, I really loved this poem.
Reading what you wrote, I could relate to the emotions and feelings you were trying to describe.
The diction that you used really put the reader in your shoes.
I didn't feel that I was watching you in the situation, but as if I was in it.
In a way, it almost reminded me of the demons that haunt me in my own head, which im not sure is a good thing, but I suppose it proves what a great job you did writing this poem.
One of my favorite lines was

"There are demons in my head,
Scratching on its walls,"

It really painted a beautiful cryptic picture of what I think your poem portrayed.
Keep writing!

Awesome! Loved it!

Thank you all for your reviews, I really enjoyed reading them.

Angel of Death, I know it was a bit choppy...hence the reason I put the extra 3 sentences...andthe fact that it's super short, really sucks, and I've tried so many times to come up with more to put in it...but the problem was, it was the next day, and I was over my feelings at that time. I just find it hard to come back to something, and feel the same feeling you did the day before, ya know? But oh well. I'm satisfied with what I wrote.