Cameron Girls~2

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2

The eight seventeen year olds assembled in the library. We talk quietly, waiting for our headmaster to arrive. We sit in a row, ankles crossed elbows on the table.
“I have deduced one thing.” Kyla whispers in my ear.
“What?” I whisper back.
“A test.” Kyla says. I raise my eyebrows. Cameron’s tests weren’t normal paper-to-pen. They were fly-and-steal-something, highly valuable and highly expensive. Oh, and we couldn’t get caught.
“I doubt that.” I say, “I don’t think we’re highly experienced for a major one yet.” I push my hair from my eyes as the door opens behind us.
As if on cue, we all stand and face our headmaster.
“Hello, Headmaster.” we say. I give him a quick once-over. His suit is impeccable, Armani. His black hair is close cropped. We sit down again as he sits across from us.
“Well, ladies,” He begins. He makes eye contact with each of us, an acquired skill.
“Do you mind telling us why we are here?” Kyla asks. He shoots her a displeased look. In my peripheral vision, I can see her go a pink to match her hair.
“I was getting to that, Miss Martin.” Overman says. His eyes focus on me as he continues.
“I would like you ladies to know that this is part of a test.” Kyla pinches my arm, her way of telling me she is right.
“What do we do?” Beth asks.
“Stop interrupting.” He warns. Beth looks down at the table. Headmaster Overman locks his eyes with mine. I stare back, trying my make my gaze go blank. This is his way of seeing if I’ll speak up as well. I’m not that dumb.
“you ladies know King Academy? The male equivalent of our school?” he asks. We all know about King, though we aren’t supposed too. We shake our heads.
“Don’t lie.” Overman says. We all nod. A hint of a smile appears on his face.
“Congratulations. The first part of your test will be surviving at King Academy. You leave tomorrow morning. Dismissed.” Headmaster Overman says. We stand up and collect our bags. We head towards the door.
“Ladies?” Headmaster Overman says before I could put my hand on the knob. We all pivot around.
“You aren’t going there to flirt. Remember that,” he says. We nod.
“Thank you, headmaster.” Beth says and we all leave the library.

One good thing about being so close to all these girls is that I know exactly when to cover my ears. As soon as I shut the door behind us, it was one of those times. Beth squeals and Kara Johnson claps, bouncing up and down.
“We’ll be surrounded by boys!” Kyla gushed. It was as if we were given another vacation.
“I’m gonna be a buzzkill here, but we aren’t there to flirt.” I say, “King Academy is even tougher then Cameron. We will die.” Kara rolls her eyes.
“Shut up, Tori,” Kara reprimands, “let’s just enjoy it.” I turn to face Kara. I stare right into her eyes.
“Enjoy what. We are about to be worked harder then before, surrounded by boys who will beat us up, and if we fail the test, what ever it is, we will be kicked out of Cameron and possibly arrested. Oh yes, Kara, enjoy that.” I snap and head back to the dorm that Kyla and I share.
When life hands you a BAD ROMANCE, pick up your TELEPHONE, call ALEJANDRO and JUST DANCE!




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The story seems all about the talking, It doesnt give me any idea what the situation is. You need to add detail in, otherwise people arent going to want to read it. Sorry, but Its the truth. :/




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I have to say this seems close to promising and I slightly agree with seana, it seems to be about the talking, you might want to get a bit more descriptive. Describe what Tori see's like when she did a once over to the headmaster. Explain the room they are in, describe surroundings, people.. etc. it makes the story whole. I hope this helps and keep that in mind.

-Ace
The person who smiles when things go wrong, has thought of somebody to blame it on.
- Forgot the name




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Points 551
Reviews 43
I'm in the same position as Seana and Ace on this one. It seems as though you're rushing into the story with very little information for the reader gain. There is really a substantial amount of dialogue present in each section. And with even all this speech, there is little to no information gathering. As a reader, I would be more interested in action rather than speech. Through action, you can feel the animosity or kindness towards others, not so much through the dialogue. Otherwise, this does have promise as a series of short stories or even as full novel. Good luck.
"So, I was thinking, I've always wanted to ride a TaunTaun."
"Ummmm....I asked you answer the math problem on the board."
"No you didn't."
"Yes I did."
"Yeah well, that's your opinion."...............A conversation between my teacher and I.



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