The Feeling of Death

My hand has warmed since touching death -
In night, in day, and all the rest.
It lulls, it swoons, it makes you mad,
it comes from the soul you never had.

I sat there through the wretching day
Waiting ever-so patiently for you to wake -
you told me you were tired - so, so tired
and to hold your hand was just required.

I think you loved me - I loved you,
you hand was smooth and Oldened too.
I held your hand til morning light,
I held it in mine, just hoping it might

Move. I left you for a moment
to gain my composure - I wanted to honor
you. I sat back down and held your hand -
it was cold - Only now I realizéd.

Hello there

I really enjoyed this poem a lot. I liked the flow or the rhythm you incorporated in there. I still think that it could use some more emotion but that's nothing to worry about because this is really good.

you told me you were tired - so, so tired

I was not fond of this line, especially the "so, so" part, it's kind of like you were out of ideas.

Good job

Hi,

I loved the weary feeling that oozes from this poem--it's magical--and reminds me sadly of someone I've lost... So good work on that, heh. I didn't like how the rhythm slipped from rhyme to not-rhyme, because it made it sound somewhat...unbalanced I guess. And a few lines came off as cliched, like "I think you loved me - I loved you". I didn't really enjoy that line at all because it just came off as "blah", and sounded weird when I read it a second time. Oh, and the last line seems a bit rushed and empty--I know he just realized she/he dead--but it made me draw a blank by how it was worded.

Other than that, I adored it. Keep writing!

~Horseradish

it was really good. i liked very much.
its so full of saddness and compassion.

Almost the same exact thing happened to me. :O

Street -- That's horrible! O: I'm sorry. :/

This is an over all good poem, but I feel it has a lack of emotion. Try to reach out more with the vocab too Hope this little bit helped.

Ahh, my dear!

I have to say, after just finshing the works of Edgar Allen Poe, you reminded me so vividly of him. I thought that your poem was very refreshing with some srong messages.

Good points: A clear message with an amazing style. A strong poem that showed experience. I liked the wording and the way you used words but not to over the top.

Bad points: I guess that it did lack emotion a little bit, although I think that that was what the poem needed.

My general expression was that it was a good poem with some strong outlineing points. Although a few tweaks here and there such as the emotion feuture would make it something quite special.

P.S Sorry about my apalling spelling, my spellcheck is well, not working.

I like the flow. Also I think the emotion is fine. I enjoyed it over all! I really did.
~Ladypurple.

I like how it all flowed together but one part kind of seemed, choppy maybe?

I held it in mine, just hoping it might

Move.

I loved the poem but I didn't like how the end of one verse started the another one. Maybe that's just me though! Death is terrible, I've seen it too many times in my young age, so I can relate to the feeling that comes off of the poem. Great job, keep working.

Wsto -- I meant that to be that way because the next is "Move"...it's supposed to make that jarring effect with the word "move". Haha, Glad you liked it. ^^

Hi Jon, I'm CaptianRandom.

i really enjoyed this poem, it was sad and descriptive, i loved it, the spacing, the amount of words, very good poem. I'm just wondering if you have experienced death before, because it sounds like you are letting someone go in a sense to me sorry if i offend you, but I'm just curious.

-CaptianRandom

I actually have a lot of experience with death...more than the average person. But, I've never done what was mentioned in the poem. Glad you liked it!

*pokes Jon with poetry poking stick* Heeeey Jon! Kat's dropping by for a quick review, 'kay?

So! Let's see what I've got on this. I liked very much, but that's not a surprise, I've always enjoyed your poems. Rhyming, yes, let's go with that.

you told me you were tired - so, so tired
and to hold your hand was just required.

I enjoyed your rhyming throughout the whole poem, it was subtle and gave a very good read to the poem; except for these two lines, I thin the rhyming is too 'out there' for the rest of the poem. Also, on that line, I read someone say the 'so, so tired' felt only as if to fill the flow? I disagree, I think it gives a bit more of despair and feeling into the poem, and makes the situation more... dramatic?

I think you loved me - I loved you,
you hand was smooth and Oldened too.
I held your hand til morning light,
I held it in mine, just hoping it might

Move. I left you for a moment
to gain my composure - I wanted to honor
you. I sat back down and held your hand -
it was cold - Only now I realizéd.

So, this was my least favourite part of the poem. I think you started out great, but as you went on some things changed; for example, here, you're flow sort of changed and the way you split up the lines made it harder to read - at least for me. The repetition of the holding hand action didn't help, and in my opinion it put the poem a bit down a level, made it simple and a bit more common. Also, is the accent supposed to be there on realized? xD

Okay, so! The main thing I can tell you is that you started out very well, I loved the first stanza and the second was good also - and from there down it just lot it's greatness a bit.

Keep on the good work, Jon!
- Kat

I loved it... great work!