Crashing Down - Chapter 3

Rated 16+: Violence, Minor Language
Hey, I finally decided to post chapter 3.
I did so to try and see if I should even include this chapter in the actual book, or shorten it down a lot. Nothing really happens in it, so tell me what you think. Also, what do you think of the start and end? Thank you kindly.
Edited the blood part, and a few other of the issues.
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Openness. That’s the first thing that hit him. It was too open, too bright. He wanted to go back, back to the warmth. Out there, there was nothing, but yet everything. He looked around and tried to comprehend everything. There were shapes wiggling near him. He touched them and realized they were his. There was so much…space. There was no way he could look at it all, touch it all. Suddenly, he was lifted off the ground by a mysterious force and turned around. In front of him was something that looked very familiar. He felt as if he knew what it was, had even met it before. It was his home. Mother.

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Raven opened his eyes to a world of total darkness. He tried to look around, but could see nothing. Something sticky was covering his face. Panic immediately set in. He was blind, lost, maybe even dead. Raven tried to remember what happened before this. A fight. He remembered a fight…with somebody. His head throbbed horribly, making it impossible to think. He held his hand up to his head but instantly pulled it away in shock. Something gooey coated his hand, but it was impossible to see what it was.

Then, a flash of light exploded by, and the world illuminated for a split second. He saw that his hand was covered in blood and he was lying in the forest. Suddenly, he remembered how he had got there. Ron had kicked him off the path, and then... Somehow he had ended up deep within the forest. With newfound purpose Raven planted his hands on the ground and slowly lifted himself up. His head ached, and Raven felt the world wobble out of balance. He helplessly reached out, trying to steady himself. His hand hit something, and quickly grabbed onto it. Raven stood there for a minute, trying to steady his body.

What was he going to do? It was probably the middle of the night, and he was stranded in the middle of the woods. Then he remembered there was a flashlight in his school bag, in case he had to walk home late. But where was the bag? Raven got down on all fours and shifted through the fallen leaves, trying to feel his bag. As he was moving his hands, he felt more patches of that gooey substance, blood. He wondered how much he had lost.

After a few minutes of frantically searching the ground, Raven had all but given up. Maybe it would just be better to walk down to the road and get a ride. But he quickly dismissed the thought. Who would give a ride to him, especially at night? He almost smiled as he pictured himself standing there with his thumb held, looking like some banished angel who had escaped from hell. It would have been downright hilarious if he hadn’t been that thing. Finally, Raven bumped into an object that felt like his bag. He searched through it for a moment, and then found the flashlight. Relieved, he flicked it on, illuminating the place around him.

He had lost a lot of blood. The forest was dotted with splots of it, and there was one ghastly puddle where he had fallen. He felt lightheaded just looking at it. Raven pointed the flashlight straight, and stumbled out of the forest and out to the walkway. Halfway there, his injured wing brushed up against a branch. Instantly, Raven fell down in angst. It felt like his whole body was on fire! Raven breathed heavily, trying to overcome the pain. Even after a minute of torment, he still couldn’t even move. “Ron must be laughing his ass off right now” Raven thought bitterly. Him and his girlfriend Juliet. He tried to imagine what she was doing now. Juliet was probably in her bed now, sleeping peacefully. Her conscious completely clean, her dreams pleasant. Raven felt angry at himself for believing someone could treat him normally, anything other than a freak.

Raven wondered what had happened to Ron. He used to be so different from the mindless jock he was now. They used to go to the same elementary school. Back then, he was one of the few students who didn’t seem afraid of Raven. They would even play Uno together during indoor recess sometimes. But that was before his father became the pastor. Before he guided his son on the 'straight and narrow path', which appearently allowed for almost killing somebody who was different than you. Raven wondered if somewhere, that boy with the Uno cards still existed in Ron.

Finally, the burning subsided enough for Raven to attempt to move again. He slowly forced his legs to stand, and carefully walked through the forest. Each branch posed a new threat to him. The trees, so innocent in nature, were now his enemy. Just one step at a time. Inch by inch, Raven made it out of the forest, and onto the path. Now he just had to haul his body back the house. Judging by where he was when he was knocked out, Raven guessed it would he was barely a quarter of the way home.

But he wasn't going to get anywhere by thinking about it. Raven started to walk along the path. Each step seemed more painful than the last, as if his mind was just noticing what had happened to him. His wing still felt raw and throbbed with each beat of his heart. He didn't even know what happened to his head. A large cut on the left of his head had finally stopped bleeding, and didn't really hurt anymore. But with a kick that strong, something must have happened to his head. Why else would everything still be so dizzy, and his thinking so disconnected? And then there was his stomach, and his legs. Each part of his body felt sore in one way or another. Concentrating on that just made it worse though. Raven was breathing heavily now, already exhausted from walking just a short distance. Maybe he could just lie down for a second...

No! He couldn’t stop now; he would never get up again. He tried to distract himself by thinking of anything other then what was happening now. He searched his mind for a happy moment in his life, but few came. He vaguely remembered being a baby, too young to understand that he was different. He thought of the white sterile wallpaper, and the adults crowded around him. They would place him in this box filled with wind circulating around. He remembered them staring at his, anxiously expecting something to happen. They must have been waiting for him to fly. But sooner or later they must have learned that his ghostly grey feathers and fragile wings weren’t going to lift anyone off the ground.

Raven shined the flashlight back at his wings now. The place where Ron had ripped his wing was oozing some sort of strange liquid. Every so often, his wings would shack slightly. Raven was completely powerless over the control of his wings. They would randomly move when he slept, which caused his sheets to tear. By now they were filled with holes, just like his shirts. He could never keep anything together.

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity of walking, Raven was on the front porch of his house. He fumbled with the key, trying to make it fit, which was hard because his fingers were shaking by now. Finally, the key decided to go in and Raven pushed himself into his house. Inside, the house was completely dark, just like the outside. Unlike the outside, where mysterious sounds still penetrated the darkness, in here it was utterly silent. It was almost unnerving after hearing the sound of the night for so long. Raven knew Dad wasn't home; he worked the night shift at the local Wal-Mart.

Raven flicked a light on and stumbled into the bathroom. There was barely enough room for his wings to not his something inside there, but it was the only room in the house that had a mirror. And Raven had to clean himself up. He wet a dirty washcloth that hadn't been washed in weeks and started to get the blood off of him. After he had wiped the wound on his head dry, he took off his shirt. Even when he was fully awake it was a delicate process of getting the holes around his wings without tearing them even more. And with Raven half asleep he ended up just tearing his undershirt in half. Not even caring, he started to get the dried blood of his chest. By the time he had finished the baby blue washcloth was a sickly red.

Now came the tricky part. Should he just put a band-aid on his head, or use something more serious? He would have got on the computer to find out, but that was no longer possible. The internet providers had cut connection a month ago after Raven's dad hadn't paid the bills. Raven took another look at his wound and decided he needed a cloth bandage. He took half his broken shirt and wrapped it around his head. It looked stupid, but hopefully it would prevent any more bleeding.

Finally, he carefully turned himself around to look at his wings. The pussy liquid coated the torn wing. Raven almost threw up looking at it. He tried not to pay attention as he dabbed the liquid off. He had no idea if that was what he was supposed to do, but it was so gross, he couldn't just leave it. After using half the tissue paper roll to clean his wing off, he could finally get a good look at the extent of the damage. The tear was about an inch wide, and went through all the way through. He examined it for a second, but then something else caught his eye.

Something stood out on his wing. In the patches of small gray feathers he saw something...different. He looked closer, and then saw that within the other feathers there was a brown one. Raven stared at it, confused. He had never grown any brown feathers before. But there it was, right on his wing. Unlike the others, this one was about 8 inches long and sturdy looking. It was covered in majestic bristles that looked just like a raven's wing. He frantically looked through around his wing and found a few more of these feathers.

He sat down on the toilet, overwhelmed. What could this mean? He thought back to the box of wind, where the scientist had so wanted his to fly. Maybe he was just imagining it now, but he thought he remembered someone talking about his feathers. Something like "They're too small, too fragile. He'll never be able to fly." Excitement rushed into his mind. He completely forgot about all the pain, the throbbing. All he could think was that maybe, he was starting to grow the wings the scientists had always wanted for him. Maybe, he would be able to fly after all.

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He was lying down, staring out into a grassy field. Stars fell like raindrop from the sky, illuminating the world. He got up and suddenly, he was in the air. Soaring above everything else. He flew beyond the city, past everything he had known. Nothing could stop him now. He flew with the stars, going wherever his heart took him. People looked up at him, but were not scared or angry. He was just a bird now. His flawless wings carried him past the land and above the ocean. He smiled, and joy filled his heart. He was free, finally free.

Hey Wario, how good it is to be reviewing your work again. I think it's going to be a long review so sit tight!

This was great. It kept my attention to the end, so that was good. It also made me want to read more at the end, which is something a writer always needs to do. Like with your previous chapters, there were some parts that just didn't feel like they fit, so I will point them out now.

NITPICKS

Openness. That’s the first thing that hit him. It was too open, too bright. He wanted to go back, back to the warmth. Out there, there was nothing, but yet everything. He looked around and tried to comprehend everything. There were shapes wiggling near him. He touched them and realized they were his. There was so much…space. There was no way he could look at it all, touch it all. Suddenly, he was lifted off the ground by a mysterious force and turned around. In front of him was something that looked very familiar. He felt as if he knew what it was, had even met it before. It was his home. Mother.

This is nice, but disrupts the flow of the story with the detail. All the reader needs to know is that he has seen a glimpse of something, or felt the warmth of his mother. There are some redundant sentences here, like the ones I put in red. I suggest to shorten it and get onto the plot, which isn't doing much now so you need to keep the readers attention until it does.

Ron had [color=#FF0000]kicked him into the forest, and then he had blacked out from the blow.

Kicked doesn't feel like the right verb here. Who would take their precious time kicking a boy deep in the forest? By your descriptions, it seems like he's pretty deep in the forest. I suggest "dragged" or something like that.

He had lost a lot of blood. The forest seemed to be covered in a trail of it, with one ghastly puddle where he had fallen.

By your descriptions, he should be dead. Make him lose less blood to be more realistic.

He was lying down, staring out into a grassy field. Stars fell like raindrop from the sky, illuminating the world. He got up and suddenly, he was in the air. Soaring above everything else. He flew beyond the city, past everything he had known. Nothing could stop him now. He flew with the stars, going wherever his heart took him. People looked up at him, but were not scared or angry. He was just a bird now. His flawless wings carried him past the land and above the ocean. He smiled, and joy filled his heart. He was free, finally free.

This almost feels like an ending. Make appearent that this boy is dreaming. If you do that, you don't need the line of dots that seperate this paragraph from the rest.

COMMENTS:

CHARACTERS:

We need more Raven. Sure, this chapter centers around him, but are we really in his head? Are we feeling what he feels? Obviously, he is in pain. Don't just say it, tell the readers how he feels about it. If you do that, this will look a lot better.

Ron's little backstory is interesting, but most religous folks wouldn't believe a christian kid who was tought to "stick to the straight road" would kick a boy repeatedly almost to death. Make it obvious that he is a little crooked.

Other than that, no issue here.

PLOT:

We need some plot points and fast. The ending was awesome! Raven could be able to fly! Too bad it took three chapters to get to one plot point. We need to know what the story line is so we know we won't be reading about Raven's follies for the rest of the story. If you're not sure what's going to happen next, just make a quick outline. If you already have one, good job!

FLOW:

Some issues here. As mentioned above, your pace might be a little slow. I personally don't care if the story is slow as long as it has a story and it's well written. You got the well written part nailed. I just want to know what's going on really.

As a reader I wanted to read into Raven's journey home a little more. Did he get odd looks or anything of the sort? A bloody boy walking down the street would be an interesting topic to read about, you know?

THE THINGS I LIKED:

I liked this chapter a lot, and even though I have mentioned a lot of things that I wasn't sure of, I loved this. Some of your descriptions were fantastic. I personally loved the image you put in my head when you described the possibility of Raven hitch hiking. Again, this had a nice gloomy feel to it. Maybe a bit too slow and foggy, but that can be fixed later. I still love raven. The ending was good.

OVERALL:

Excellent work. Find out where you are going with this though. I don't know if you've written more chapters already or not, but I am seriously hoping they will go somewhere. Raven't plight is interesting and heart wrenching, but it can't be all about that. Also, get into Raven's head more. What is he thinking most of the time? Nix or tone down some of the blood because no body could survive bleeding that much. So now all I have to say is keep it up, and I hope you keep working at this.

Heya wariofart

I'm here to review as requested and I'm glad that you asked me to review this because I really like it so far. Like in my previous reviews, I'm not going to mention any grammatical errors or nit-picks. You said that you weren't concentrating on them, more on the style, plot, idea and everything else. If you do want me to point out any grammatical errors though, don't be afraid to ask me!

Characters
Like in previous chapters, I very much like Raven's character. He isn't annoying me but he isn't boring me either, you've got a good balance of what is needed in a character. Considering there weren't any other characters in this chapter, I obviously won't mention anyone else besides Raven. My only really critique about Raven is the same as what Esther said. Although his character is entertaining and certainly a good MC, I'm not feeling his emotions as strongly as I would like. The reason for this is because you were telling us his feelings, not showing them. Don't just tell us that he was scared and that he was panicking, show us. Instead of saying that he was simply afraid, say that his heart was beating out of his chest as he stumbled to his feet, shaking. Instead of saying that he was panicking, say that he quickly turned his head in every direction, having no idea where he was or what time it was. Explain to us how his breathing was quickened as he realised that there was no one else around. That kind of thing. When it comes to describing emotions, showing is always better than telling. By showing us your characters emotions, us readers can emphasize with them and really feel what they are feeling.

Plot
At this very moment, I still can't see a very clear plot outline. Since the last few chapters though, this has improved when it comes to the plot, mainly because of the end of this. You mentioned that Raven noticed some healthy wings on his back, therefore, you got us readers thinking that he might one day have majestic, useful wings. That's certainly a good start, but it's nothing solid. The problem is that you don't necessarily have specific conflict, conflict that is bigger than any other conflict in the story. By that, I mean that you do have conflict. Raven has completely useless wings, he gets bullied, he doesn't have much money, he's unhappy etc. What I mean is that you don't have a kind of conflict that really stands out. For example, if Raven had a month until him and his father had to leave the house and the only way to stop that from happening was if they somehow got a load of money. That would create the ongoing conflict of Raven finding a way to get money quickly. That could get the readers thinking that maybe Raven could do something with the fact that he has wings to try and make money. Getting your readers thinking is key. If you can do that, they will most likely never get bored. You don't have to use the whole needing money to avoid homelessness thing for the plot, but do you understand what I'm trying to say? Sorry I'm being a bit unclear...

Descriptions
As a whole, your descriptions were very good. You used a great balance of descriptions in this, you didn't use too many or too little. There were some areas especially where I was fond of your descriptions. I do have a few issues though that I'd like to mention. The first one is the fact that, when Raven woke up and saw his blood, everything felt a tad bit melodramatic. Like Esther said, if Raven had lost that much blood, he'd be pretty much dead right now. He wouldn't have been able to stand up, let alone walk home and bandage himself up. This isn't a serious problem though, all that you need to do is maybe tone down on the blood. Don't say how there's more or less a trail of blood in the forest, just a pool of blood where his head was is fine. I actually have the same issue that you do here, I have a tendency to get a bit melodramatic when writing chapters like this.

My only other negative comment about your descriptions was the fact that you were telling and not showing sometimes. It wasn't terrible I've definitely seen worse. You were showing at some points, but you were also telling at some points. This kind of fits into the critique about your characters. You're telling us emotions, not showing us. In this chapter, I sometimes got the feeling of you giving us information, not telling us a story. The main reason showing and not telling is important in a story is simply because it makes it a lot less boring. If you tell us what is happening in a chapter, after a while, it can get terribly boring. If you show us, on the other hand, we are much less likely to get bored of what we are reading. Especially if you include some great, unique descriptions that show what is happening clearly. That is one thing you need to be careful of when showing, don't make it confusing. Make it so that you are showing the reader what is happening, but make what you are showing clear enough for them to understand what you're trying to say.

Grammar & Spelling
Both your grammar and your spelling has improved in this chapter. Well, your spelling was great in the last few chapters and it still is. Your grammar certainly has improved though. I know that you're not that bothered about your grammar, but I'll mention it anyway because I'm cool. Although your grammar has definitely improved, there are still a few issues with your commas. I'm not going to repeat what I've already said in my last review, but I thought that I'd mention the fact that you have improved but there are still some issues with commas. I'm not going to go into detail about it because I've already advised you on your commas. The best way to improve on something like this, to be honest, is to practice your writing as often as you can.

Overall

I don't really have anything else to say now... I don't have much to critique about this chapter, to be honest. This is probably my favourite chapter so far. My favourite parts were the beginning and the ending of this. The main reason for that is because you were showing really well and I felt what Raven was feeling. You didn't tell us about his emotions, you showed us. You showed us what being free really meant for him. All that you need to do is to take into consideration what Esther and I have suggested. You only really need to make sure that you don't slip into telling the readers things, maybe make the bleeding in this less dramatic and make sure that the flow of this is really nice. If you do that, you could certainly have a seriously immense chapter here!

Keep writing,

xoxo Rhian

This chapter was ok, but I didn't quite like is as much as the first two.

By the time he woke up, the blood should have mostly been dry. I don't think it could be considered sticky. If he got a concussion, which seems likely, and lost a lot of blood, then not only would he be lightheaded, but he'd also have trouble formulating thoughts, or thinking clearly. Head trauma has the tendency to muddle the brain's ability to organize itself coherently.

There were more grammar mistakes in the chapter, more so then in the other two. Make sure to keep an eye on it, because it is distracting to the reader, when you write things like figures, instead of fingers.

He should probably go to the hospital, to get x-rays, and stitched and stuff. Who knows what kind of internal damage there is.

Why all of a sudden are there brown feathers on his wings, and why hasn't he noticed them before? I'm sure they'd stand out like a sore thumb.

Another thing about his wings, I don't think that the scientists who did the whole genetic crossover thing, would just want him out and about. They'd probably want to study him as he grew up, and the wings developed more. Also, they wouldn't try to make him fly as a baby, because the wings would be underdeveloped, and he would have the strength to fly. Just look at baby birds. Another point about the science. If he had 'supposedly functional' wings, then the muscles on his back and chest should be much larger then those of the average person, because they'd have to be much stronger, to create enough lift to get him off the ground. that's why birds have such large chests.

The last part confuses me. Is it a dream, or has the story continued to a point where his wings are developed enough for him to fly? Maybe you'll want to clarify that.

Other then that, keep up the good work, and let me know when you've got chapter four posted, and I'll come give it a read.

Cheers,
Pros