dark heart, demon slayer: a demon's tears

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'the demons come at night. hope they dont freeze you in fright!' i played the song over and over in my head. i remember his smiling face in the shop, behind the counter. he had fangs. i knew he had to be a demon, he just had to be! why else would i be ordered to that shop? his eyes slightly glowed as he sang, and even the noises of nature from outside stopped. an unnatural chill had hung in the air. it was scary. *TAP TAP* i jumped in my bed, startled. i had been remembering the events of the day. the tapping kept on going, and i turned to see it came from my window. i yawned and got out of bed, slowy walking toward the noise. i saw yellow cat eyes moving in the black.

" oh, mumu! did i forget to let you in again?" my voice shattered the tension in the room as i unlocked the window and pulled it up. a black cat jumped in.

"yes you did. we need to go, now. the demons are meeting in downtown, and i bet they're up to no good." mumu said. yeah, thats right. i have a talking cat. im an upperclass demon slayer/exorcist, lily, from the church of the vatican itself. i had direct orders from the pope to come cleanse the city of los angeles. the whole city had a dark, heavy aura about it. for the whole city to have that meant that it was completly infested with demons of all kinds.


"new information: the demons have moved to rodeo drive. at least fifty of them, hunting the human's souls for sport. it makes me sick.." mumu continued on. true, it horrified me too. demons were wretched creatures, eating humans souls. they are also very cruel, distasteful monsters. and only people with the gift can see them in thier true form.

"allright, mumu. lets go save los angles!" i said, totally physced. i was only sixteen, but i was one of the popes best exocists. i was sent everywhere in the world. my secret name was dark heart. i threw on my black trench coat, and picked up kanin, my demon sword. we were out the hotel, and went into the night. i rendevouz with my pickup, livy. i jumped onto the front seat, and mumu moved to the back.


"hi lily, so rodeo it is? good luck." she said. the car went into drive and launched us toward the fight. "i heard ther's fifty of 'em this time. big number, huh?" livy asked. "yeah, but i can handle it." i said. she parked a block away, and let me off. "bye, dark heart." livy drove off. i already felt immense dark auras coming from the next block. i walked quickly, sticking to the shadows. the only comfort was mumu's yellow eyes.

"okay, i see them mumu. they're all up on the roof of that office building, across the street." i said. i descretly made my way across the street, and went into the alley by the building. i had a new toy to try out from the vatican. i pulled out the new grappling hook they had developed, and shot at the edge. it caught, and i flew straight up, landing gracefully. mumu was next to me. they didnt even notice me, they were to enthralled in thier hunting. disgusting. i unseathed kanin, and they all looked my way. thats right, feel the force of your destuction. i ran and had sliced at least ten by the time they had moved to surrond me. diplorable creatures, with they're souls darkened permanantley from thier sins.

" die demon scum!!" i yelled as i went into a rage. i flew everywhere with kanin, a dancing light of fury. only a few were left. as i ran again, i tripped. damn! i hadnt seen one of them! sneaky as well as evil! i fell, and kanin spun out of my reach, and off the roof. this just got bad. one of them whacked me as i was stuggling to get up. i flew a few feet, and landed right on the edge. where was mumu? i tried to get up again, only to be pushed off. oh no!!! i fell, and saw the sidewalk coming up to meet me. the building was ten floors, so a fall from that hieght would definantley kill me. how had such an easy order gone so wrong?


a scream ripped out from my throat, " aahhhhhhhhhhhh!!" but it was taken by the rushing air. my coat was flapping around me. almost there. i closed my eyes and braced for impact. instead of feeling hard cement crush my bones, i landed in someones arms, safe, if not scared. huh? was it someone from the vatican? i opened my eyes and peeked. it was no one i knew. he looked at me with gray cat eyes. i held my breath, scared. his aura was the darkest one i had ever felt. it made me want run far away and never look back. he gently set me down. i was trembling. why was i so freaked? who was this guy, and why had he saved me? the demons left from the rooftop dropped down, and surronded the guy. uh oh. i wasnt supposed to get others involved in this. i couldnt let him get hurt, this was my responsability. i had gotten on my haunches, but then i fell back. oww, my ankle was broken! it must have happened when i was hit on the roof.


"dont move. i can defeat these lowclass demons." the stranger spoke. his voice sent a chill down my spine. his aura deepened, and i saw dark waves ebbing from him. what was happenng, i had never seen something like this.


SORRY, I HAD TO STOP HERE, BUT ILL ADD THE REST THE REST AND FIX MISTAKES TOMORROW.
giving up does not always mean your weak, sometimes it just means your strong enough to let go. freaks are people too. i love to hate, and i hate to love. i am me, i will never change. "thinking is the hardest work there is, which is probably the reason why so few engage in it"-henry ford




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Nice beginning, sounds like this can become a very exciting story!

Firstly,I would suggest going through and fixing simple grammar errors, like capitalizing the beginning of sentences and all the "I"s. It's not a big deal it's just...proper grammar ;)

I really liked your voice throughout the whole thing. It was strong and present the whole time and I got a clear grasp of it right at the start.

But I was caught off guard by the third paragraph, which is a major info dump! Try to unload all this information on your readers over time and gradually rather than all at the beginning! It's a lot of information to take in at once and it hurts our brains a little.

Also it became a little fast paced and she went from day dreaming in bed to fighting demons in about a minute. Just pace yourself and add more detail leading up to the fight.

I was impressed with your descriptions, which were good in the parts that were detailed.

I hope you keep writing and continue this piece! Good luck!

-Jordan
And in case you were wondering, you are like a hurricane to me
Your violence is beautiful, and your center sweet
Now tell me this, do you know how we'd meet?

And in case you were wondering, you are everything to me




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Gender Female
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I like this fast paced story. I think it had vivid descriptions and I could clearly recognize the narrators voice thru the entire thing. Please don't forget simple capitalization and punctuation like this
They are also very cruel, distasteful monsters.You don't need the period there and only people with the gift can see them in thier their true form.
I loved that each of the characters in the story had their own unique personality. I think it is great that you included a talking cat and a talking car. Keep writing. Fiction




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Gender Male
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Reviews 58
It is a cool story that just goes not to fast. It is not normal paced though, it is kinda hard to in-vision the transition from her being in the car to fighting demons. It would have helped to describe the place she was at that point. Other than that it was an action packed story and I liked it. So good luck in your quest to complete this story.
[color=#FF0000]I AM SICK PHANTOM![/color]



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