Elle (Chapter 7)

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Hey Readers! Here is Chapter 7, I hope you enjoy it! This one isn't as long as my previous chapters.(: Chapter 8 will be up soon!

Chapter 7 Alden:

When I woke the next morning, the sky was blanketed by gray clouds, the signal that summer may be changing into fall. Luckily, it wasn’t too cold. I blinked sleep from my eyes, trying to wake up completely. To my left, I saw Trenton falling in and out of sleep. His eyes would close and his head would begin to bob back and forth. Then he would jerk back up, afraid he missed something that he should have spotted. I couldn’t help but giggle a little.

“You can sleep, if you want,” I offered, stretching out my arms.

Trenton didn’t realize I had woken, and forced himself to keep his eyes open. “No, I am fine.”

“Sleep. Just for a little bit. We have time,” I assured him.

Trenton sighed, “Fine. Wake me if needed.”

“I will,” I promised. Trenton gently lolled his head against the trunk, arms crossed around him, his legs gripping the large branch that kept him up here. In just a matter of time, he was asleep.

Boredom was slowly creeping up on me. I was itching to get away from here and to feel the relief of getting past the Capitol. We were getting closer, and I could sense that we were. This whole time, it hasn't really been the cities themselves, but the Capitol that held a constant fear over my head.

As my thoughts began jumping around from one to the other, I stumbled upon the one of Trenton earlier. The one when he asked me the real reason why I turned back instead of continuing on without him. I told Trenton the truth; it seemed wrong and that I was betraying him after all he did for me. That was it. He seemed sure there was another reason. I saw him as a friend, nothing more, nothing less. Did he think it was because of another reason? No, that’s impossible. It couldn’t be, could it?

I shook my head, trying to rid it of that thought. I began focusing on other things. Higher up the tree, a few birds began chirping, signaling the start of the day. The clouds were still covering the sun, looking as if they were staying there all day. Suddenly, I felt a sudden chill that crept up my spin, spreading through my veins.

“The Mover was here, sir,” a raspy, familiar voice echoed below. I remembered it when I hid in the bushes earlier. My eyes went big and I peeked through the needles and branches. It was the two servants who chased me. With them was a man who I was unfamiliar with. He wore a dark black cloak that draped over him. I was unable to see his face since his back was to me.

“We chased both of them down South,” the servant hesitated, “Then we lost them, sir.” I could see the servant shy away from the cloaked figure.

I reached my hand over to Trenton, shaking him awake. Under my hand, I could feel him jump, reaching for his bow. He noticed my gaze was down below and followed it to see the three men.

“You lost them?” the cloaked man hissed. Something about the cloaked man made me feel cold, dead, eerie.

The servants stepped further away from the cloaked man.

“How could you possibly lose them?” he growled at them.

“I’m sorry, sir. She was impossibly fast; it was nearly impossible to catch her without killing her,” the smaller servant explained. His voice shook.

The way the cloaked man stood, the way he talked down to the servants didn't seem that of a normal man. He held himself the way someone of great power would. Everything he said had an unnatural tone to it, giving his words a hiss.

“You could have informed me sooner! I could have had her!” the cloaked man yelled at the two servants as if they were children. “Worthless humans.”

What did he mean by worthless humans? Who was this man?

The servants cowered, not looking the cloaked man in the eye.

I tried to creep further out on the branch so I could hear better and my hand slipped, cracking the bark beneath it. I shuffled quickly back to the trunk of the tree. The servant’s eyes looked up, trying to spot what made the noise, their hands gripping their swords. Next to me, Trenton was frozen in the spot.

The cloaked man looked around, taking in his surroundings. He said something, something so quiet it was inaudible. Almost in a single motion, the cloaked man whipped around and began to make his way back to Alden. The servants followed behind.

Once they were out of sight, Trenton asked, “Who was that?”

I shook my head, still puzzled. “I don’t know.”

Trenton’s eyes began studying my expression and said, “What’s wrong?”

I knew that something was wrong, but I couldn’t seem to point it out. “There is something wrong. I don’t know what though.”

“Have you seen that man before?”

“No, but I feel like I have. I just can’t remember where.” I stared into nothing, trying to find a memory he might be in.

“Come on, we should leave this place.” Trenton rubbed my shoulder, trying to ease away my fright.

“Alright,” I muttered, preparing to jump off my branch. Below me, I formed a spiral of air to cushion my fall. Before I hit the ground, the air caught my weight, decreasing my velocity so I wouldn’t injure myself. Next, I ordered Trenton to follow.

“You will be fine; just jump in the middle!” I assured him.

Trenton reluctantly jumped, eyes closed, body tense for impact. As soon as he hit the spiral of air that I formed, I slowly released it, gently placing Trenton on the ground.

“See?” I bragged.

“Yeah, yeah,” Trenton huffed. “Now, make sure your hood is covering your face and hair.”

I pulled up my hood, pushing back my hair so it wasn’t visible.

Trenton looked me up and down, “Alright. You won’t be recognized easily.”

I nodded.

“Alden is crowded so it will be easy to part. If we do break apart, meet me at the south entrance. We will be traveling the alleyways so it will be less likely this will happen.” Trenton went through the pack, checking supplies. He hooked his bow around his shoulder.

“Alright.”

“Okay. If anyone asks you who you are and your name, say it’s Willow. Ready?”

“Yes.” I felt eager to get this over with. Trenton seemed hesitant, but led me to Alden.

The walls surrounding Alden were large in size adorned with gold and silver that were encrusted in the stone. Above the North entrance, the symbol of the King was molded in. Servants guarded this entrance, making my feet feel heavy with refusal to pass through.

“It’s alright. Act normal,” Trenton whispered in my ear.

“Good morning, sir. Ma’am,” The servant greeted. I nodded my head at him, accepting his greeting. Inside Alden was chaos. Men and women bustled through the streets. Some were dressed in fancy clothing while others were wearing rags. Children ran across the street in madness while their parents were no where to be seen. It almost disgusted me. Servants occupied every street corner, watching intently.

“Over here.” Trenton tugged on my arm to follow.

We began walking through the muck covered alleyways. Puddles of filth were splattered throughout the alley. Citizens hid behind walls, skittish at seeing someone new.

“Near the South entrance, there is a bakery. We will stop there and purchase some more bread,” Trenton informed me.

At every abnormal sound, Trenton would get tense, preparing to push me in a different alley. I kept my back hunched over so that my face wasn’t clearly visible. Behind me, I heard a woman’s scream. I instinctively tried to turn and see where it was coming from, but Trenton stopped me, hurrying me. Even in the alleyways, there were many people occupying them, even servants. The servants were the ones that gave me a twisted feeling in my stomach. I felt like they knew who I was.

My feet began to ache from the hard stone alley. I wasn’t used to walking on something so flat, so hard. I was accustomed to soft soil and grass. The clouds were still hovering high up in the sky, keeping the sun behind them.

Trenton kept a protective arm around me, keeping me near him so I wouldn’t wander off. I couldn’t stop myself from shivering; the feeling that I may be caught still loomed over me. Something that wouldn’t leave me until I reached safety. I suppose it was better that Trenton was with me, but by little.

The sound of a blade slipping out of a sheath radiated through my ears, making me look at where it was coming from. Trenton loomed over me. I could hear the sound of my heart starting to beat faster and faster. Every movement seemed to slow. My breath caught in my throat. The fear that had died down to a mere spark had exploded into a large, uncontrolled, fire. I saw Trenton gazing down the alley and I followed it to a man hunched in a old, wooden chair scrapping his dagger on a stone wall. He was looking at us, smiling. I froze, every muscle in me was ready to defend myself.

Trenton pushed me out to the main street, avoiding the suspicious man with the dagger. As soon as we walked onto the street, we were carried away with the rest of the crowd, almost like a wave. In the center Alden, a fountain spewed surprisingly clean water. People orbited around the fountain, some collecting water from it while others passed by. I couldn't stop thinking about the man with the dagger.

It seemed that everyone was in a hurry to get somewhere, I didn't know how someone could live in a condition like so. Structures towered high up, shadowing the street from the little light that shone through the clouds. A small crumple sound caused me to look down at my feet. Beneath my leather clad shoe was a flyer of some sort. I picked it up and flipped it over. In the center was my face with the word WANTED above it. Under my picture was a description of my appearance and crimes. Trenton tugged it out of my hands and threw it on the ground.

Trenton dragged me along, keeping me from gazing at the buildings that were constructed for living or the wanted posters. I have been unable to really see how magnificent the structures are from keeping my head down. Soon, the fountain was behind me, and the homes and shops were growing smaller in size. On every post or on shop wall was a wanted poster for me.

Trenton led me to a small bakery, pastries inhabiting the front window. I stood on the far wall, head down while Trenton payed for the bread he would be purchasing. There weren’t many people here, only a couple. Both were sitting reading some parchment that was in their hands. The counter where Trenton was purchasing his bread was a pile of the wanted posters. I felt sick. Those are for me, I thought.

“Come on.” Trenton urged me out. He stuffed the purchased bread into his pack and flung it over his shoulder. We continued walking through, passing through mass crowds which were slowly decreasing into small groups. The South entrance was in sight, the sign that we were getting closer to safety.

At the entrance, servants hovered near it, watching people passing through. I felt the urge to just run out, thinking that maybe it would be safer than strolling by. We came to the entrance, and the servants nodded, smiling. It didn’t seem right. I couldn’t dismiss the feeling that maybe, just maybe, they were up to something. Servants wouldn’t be smiling like that, or what I have known of them. In the past town, they didn’t acknowledge you, let alone smile.

“Let’s get out of here,” Trenton whispered into my ear.

To my relief, the trees began growing thicker, shielding me from any danger. I pulled my hood off. My hair began flitting around from the breeze that passed through. All around me, small signs of fall began sprouting around. The yellowing of leaves started to occupy some trees, while others still were fully green.

Through the trees, I could see the walls of the Capitol, dark and cold, taunting.
Last edited by kr1117 on Tue Jul 27, 2010 5:41 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Katie ^-^




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Hi, kr1117. here is your review. Sorry for the hold up.

Luckily, it wasn’t to cold.
To should be too.

“You can sleep, if you want.” I offered, stretching out my arms.

“Sleep. Just for a little bit. We have time.” I assured him.

“The Mover was here, sir.A raspy, familiar voice echoed below.

“You lost them?” The cloaked man hissed.

“How could you possibly lose them?” He growled at them.

“I’m sorry, sir. She was impossibly fast; it was nearly impossible to catch her without killing her.The smaller servant explained.

“Near the South entrance, there is a food stand. We will stop there and buy some more bread.” Trenton informed me.
All these periods highlighted in red should be commas and all the letters should be lowercase. Remember that the words telling who said the quote should be lowercase unless it's a proper noun and the punctuation mark in the quotation mark should be a question mark, an exclamation mark, or a comma.

The thought of the tight grip of fear and worry loosen around me made me want to jump around like a child.
This sentence was confusing. Are you saying Elle is starting to relax since she is almost to the Capital? If so loosen should be loosened since your story is told in past tense. Also this sounds like she is excited or scared. I think she should be a little relieved. I would also suggest rewording this sentence. Maybe like this:The tension and fright that had been building up inside me began to loosen, and it made me want to cry it in relief. Or something like that.

Before I hit the ground, the air caught my weight, decreasing my velocity so I wouldn’t injure myself. Next,
I ordered
Trenton to follow.
You skipped a line.

“Alden is crowded so it will be easy to part. If we do break apart, meet me at the South entrance. We will be traveling the alleyways so it will be less likely this will happen.” Trenton went through his rules.
What are Trenton's rules? Or Trenton's quote his quote his rules? And I don't think South should be capitalized.

Above the North entrance, the symbol of the King was molded in. Servants guarded this entrance, making my
feet feel
heavy with refusal to pass through.
You skipped a line again.

Men and women bustling through the streets.
This is an incomplete sentence because of the verb (high lighted in red). If you change it to bustled then it becomes a complete sentence.

The sound of a blade slipping out of a sheath radiated through my head, making me look at where it was coming from.
This makes readers think that the Elle is just mentally hearing it. Or at least that's the feeling I get. Maybe you could change it to: The sound of a blade slipping out of a sheath rung in my ears, making me look at where it was coming from. just a suggestion.

Those are for me. I thought.
That period should be a comma. Just like dialogue wit words behind it in the same sentence, the quote are thought needs to be separated with a comma from the words following it.

My hair began flitting around from the breeze that past through.
Wrong past. Past should be passed. Use past when referring to an event that already happened.

Through the trees, I could see the walls of the Capitol, dark and cold; taunting.
that semicolon should be a comma.

Overall: Another well written chapter. Your descriptions were vivid and your chapter had a nice, smooth flow, as usual. the only thing i can say is you had a few punctuation errors and a few sentences were confusing, but most of your sentences were fine. Good job with interesting readers with the mysterious cloaked figure that doesn't seem to be human. Also, I love how you ended this chapter on such an ominous and mystifying note. That really makes me want more. So keep up with that. :D Good luck with the rest of your writing and if you need anything send me a P.M. Also, could you send me a P.M. when you post Chapter Eight. Thanks~bluewaterlily.
"A poet is, before anything else, a person who is passionately in love with language." - W.H. Auden




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Hey Kr,

I'm Tanya, here for a review!

Then he would open his eyes and sit up straight again.
I would prefer something like 'he jerked awake and sat up straight again.' We've all been through this and we never simply 'open' our eyes, we jerk awake, afraid we've missed something when we weren't supposed to sleep.
Just a suggestion.

The thought of the tight grip of fear and worry loosen around me made me want to jump around like a child.
I'm ... Not quite sure what you mean, here. I read it like five times and I still don't get it. Was fear and worry actually tightening around her? If not, I really don't get it...

I see him as a friend, nothing more, nothing less.
see, should be saw

“The Mover was here, sir.” A raspy, familiar voice echoed below. My eyes went big and I peeked through the needles and branches. It was the two servants who chased me. With them was a man who I was unfamiliar with. He wore a dark, black cloak and black hair that shielded his face. His back was to me.

This paragraph needs to be reworked. First, she says the voice is familiar. Can she figure out why? Then she says that it was a man she was unfamiliar with. But all she can see is his back. You say his black hair shields his face, but then that his back is to her. How can she say that the HAIR covers his face if it's his BACK she sees?

“How could you possibly lose them?” He growled at them
Ok. If he growled at them after having said his sentence, then the 'He' should remain capitalised. If he growled the sentence to them, then the 'h' should be lower-case.

This cloaked man didn’t seem human. The servants were terrified as if they were facing a monster compared to their normal general
Whoa there, honey! YOU are sounding through here. YOU can't tell us that the man didn't seem human, you have to show us through the MC's eyes. Maybe you could rephrase and say that the servants were terrified and so on, then say that he hissed like a snake or something. You can give us the impression he isn't human but not like this. Not by telling us.

“You could have informed me sooner! I could have had her!” the cloaked man yelled at the two servants as if they were children. “Worthless humans.”
you see, you could have the mc's thoughts intrude here and think, 'worthless humans?' huh? You get it?

Trenton reluctantly jumped, eyes closed, body tense for impact. As soon as he hit my spiral of air that I formed,
You don't have to say 'my' spiral here because right after you say 'I formed'. Choose one or the other. (the spiral that I formed or my spiral, period.)

, I don’t know how someone could live in a condition like so.
didn't

Those are for me. I thought
comma after me.

Well, I'm done with the nitpicking. No, really :)

Okay, this was a great piece. You're very good at showing us the surroundings, it was wonderfully vivid, especially the last part about fall coming. The one thing I'd like to point out is that throughout the piece, we have no idea how the MC feels. You had a good opportunity in Alden to hike up the tension a notch. Yes, she was scared, yes, she was tense, but you could have shown us that and glued us to our seats. As it was, I was skimming that part. You could have said that her heart stopped when the sound of the dagger being pulled sounded, then began drumming a little too loudly and so on. It would build on the suspense and make us breathe a sigh of relief when they were finally out, when her hair is spilling out. Geez, I'm tense just writing about it, haha. But seriously, that is the one thing I suggest you work on. It would have added depth to the scene where the cloaked man was speaking, also.

Hope this helped, feel free to PM me for any other piece, or when the next one comes out. It was a pleasure to read this; you have created a beautiful world.

Keep writing!
Tanya :D




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Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness.
— Bishop Desmond Tutu