I Thought

This is a poem I wrote after a very close friend betrayed me, so I believe the emotions are very strong. Tell me what you think; be as harsh as you want or feel is needed. And if you do like it, please press the Like button. And now my poem:

I thought we were friends
Until the world's end
I thought what we had was strong,
But, obviously, I was wrong

You'll always be in my heart,
But now, it's time for us both to part
I must admit, I still sometimes cry,
Though you don't care; your eyes will always be dry

You beg and plead for me to stay
I'm sorry, no is the answer I must say
I have to do the right thing and let you go
The friendship we could've had, you'll never know.

Hi,

I liked it all, except this second stanza. I think it lacks something and doesn't really make sense. The only other thing was that you eyes will always be dry, sounds very forced. Just a thought.

Overall this piece has potential, but need work. Keep at it. I know the feeling of being betrayed and writing about it. It takes a few edits to get it right, but it gets there eventually with the emotions to.

PM for anything.

~Retro Disco666

Hello bluewaterlily!
(awesome username btw)
I love the passion behind your poem. I hear you about the best friend betraying you, I'm dealing with a similar situation myself right now. PM me if you wanna swap betrayal stories.

I always a sidekick to you,
But now I'm done, so get a clue!

This is the one line of the poem that seems a little out of place. I don't know what it is but it just strikes me as different than the rest of the poem.

Excellent job on this, I hope to see more of your work!
-SodapopLunchbox

Poem is good and emotions are well expressed, but there is one line that bothers me.

I thought we were friends
Until the world's end

"Until the world's end" seems a little awkward, try to change it with something else if you have something in your mind.

Hiya,

I'm really sorry that something like this had to happen to you. Going through a similar experience myself, I understand how you must feel. That being said, I'm so-so on the actual poem. It's solid as it is, but it could be a lot better, in my opinion. Right now it's vague and hard to follow. In the first stanza, you tell us that the narrator is surprised and shocked that her best friend could have left her. Then, in the second stanza, you say, 'It's time for us both to part'. So who did the final break off?

Get into more detail with this poem. Explain exactly what your friend did, make it flow more like a story. Right now it seems disjointed, as you go from right after the betrayal to final attempts to save their friendship. Because it's so disjointed, I can't really relate. This may be hard for you to do, so just write what you can.

Good luck with this, and PM me if you have any questions.

-Elinor x

i liked your poem a lot it felt go to speak came off my lips smoothly i do think there was one place where it fell dead of awkward for example :

I must admit, I still sometimes cry,
Though you don't care; your eyes will always be dry

now this could be total intentional i am not much of a poet just giving you a opinion but i like it keep up the good work.

Lily,


I understand that you're writing about something personal to you, and by no means is what I say about the poem directed to you or to your hurt. I don't think this poem is standing well; the knees of it are weak, because, unfortunately, this is a common topic (probably because it happens so often), and nothing that you're saying here is supporting it enough to make it stand out amongst others of its caliber.

I understand that rhyme is one of your primary focuses here, but I don't think it should be. I feel that you should complete what you want to say in the poem first, and then see how the rhyme can fit around what you have to say, because rhyme forces people to have to push words aside in order to let them reach the destination of a similar sounding word, and I really don't think you should do that. Here, it's causing the lines to be uneven and unbalanced; there's no good flow to this.

Lastly, although this is based on rhyme, it doesn't strike me as very poetic. I understand that there are various types of poetry, but here, I felt as if I were reading a narration from a journal rather than reading a poem.

Keep writing!

June

I'm not too sure I like this poem. It's something I've heard before and you contradict yourself in it a couple times.

Though you don't care; your eyes will always be dry

In this line, you say "though you don't care". I was expecting the rest of it to be some redeeming thing the person is doing that shows they really do care.

You beg and plead for me to stay
I'm sorry, no is the answer I must say
I have to do the right thing and let you go
The friendship we could've had, you'll never know.

And then again you make it seem like they don't care. I'm confused as to whether this person doesn't care about you and that's why the friendship is ending or if they care and just can't maintain a good friendship. I think you could make this poem a little clearer.

Now one needs to be careful to be writing poetry in the immediate aftermath of tragedy. You barrel in headfirst with the emotion that you feel like you're packing into the words and you don't realize that it's not quite as powerful to read,
"I thought we were friends, but I was wrong"
as it is to imagine saying it to the face of the person. Reading it is humdrum. Saying it and hearing it from someone you care about is different because of all the context and connotations. So keep in mind the difference.

So to say that clearly: It's not as powerful as you think. We the reader get no sense of emotion because you're only telling us very clichéd or bland sayings:
"You'll always be in my heart"
"I still sometimes cry"
"Your eyes are dry"

Get into the meat of it. Make comparisons and exaggerations that tug at the heart because of how heartbreaking the idea or image is. Step it up because just a set of normal words taken out of context will never make anyone emotionally charged.

I must admit, I still sometimes cry,
Though you don't care; your eyes will always be dry

Also, the second line, "Though you don't care" is unnecessary. It's not the readers' instinct to connect it with the previous verse, so it just leaves them confused. Also, it throws off any rhythm completely.

Also, rhyming is a tool. You use it, don't let it use you. So don't switch around your syntax just to satisfy a rhyme like this:

I'm sorry, no is the answer I must say

The friendship we could've had, you'll never know.

You start to sound like Yoda, and we can't take it seriously.

So overall:
Break free from rhyming convention that holds you back.
Work on your rhythm. Say your poem out loud, and if you feel like a line begins to drag on much longer than the rest, chop it down.
Make your language more effective. Just saying, "I am sad and angry" is no "Trapped and tormented in a gray room" or something. (Don't actually use that line, it's actually pretty lame and was only used to get a point across).

Thanks for the reviews everyone.

I like the poem and I understand what you went through.

I thought we were friends
Until the world's end
I thought what we had was strong,
But, obviously, I was wrong I really like this stanza, it really shows how much you believed in your friendship

You'll always be in my heart,
But now, it's time for us both to part These two lines are good, but maybe a bit too mushy Your not a couple, right?
I must admit, I still sometimes cry, Maybe "I must admit, I still cry," because sometimes doesn't really flow
Though you don't care; your eyes will always be dry

I was just being nit picky, but I do like the poem