Cameron Girls~1

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Gender Female
Points 5750
Reviews 76
1



If there’s one thing we were told over and over, it’s that there will be pain, and we will die. If not in the field, but because of something we did in the field.
We train constantly, trying to lessen the huge risk of dying in the field. Our teachers yell and by the end of the day, our hands are bleeding and we are crying.
But that’s the daily life of a Cameron Girl.
There are only sixty of us. Only sixty girls, ranging from twelve to nineteen, who have the physical capacities, train to be thieves and assassins. My name is Victoria Wells, and, if it wasn’t clear, I am a Cameron Girl.
I’m sitting in the library, clutching To Kill a Mockingbird, but watching the fifty-nine other girls walk though the snow covered path up to school. I spot the bright pink hair of my best friend, Kyla Martin, and roll my eyes. Headmaster won’t be happy with that.
Kyla looks up and spots me, even three feet up. I can see her nod and I toss the book on the table. I exit the library, the little world that smells like old ink and parchment paper. I take a breath and enter the cold, cruel real world.
“Hey!” Kyla calls. She’s wearing the black and green, no nonsense uniform of Cameron Academy. Her eyes are a bright blue and her smile lights up her face.
“Why are you back so early?” She asks. I shrug.
“My parents didn’t want me.” I say. Kyla clucks her tounge. She knows how my mother is. She doesn’t approve of my schooling. And she hates me.
“Fates a bitch.” Kyla said.
“Why thank you for your amazing, insightful wisdom.” I reply wryly. Kyla giggles.
“That’s my girl.” She says. She loops her arm through mine and pulls me back into the brick building of our school.

At exactly eight-thirty, I sat with the other seventeen year olds in our dining hall. The chatter was loud, but we did all just get back from Christmas break.
“Tori! You’re coming home with me in the summer,” Beth Myles call. I shake my head, but nod my thanks.
“My mom may want me then.” I say and then turn to face front as Headmaster Overman takes the podium.
“Welcome back.” He says with his deep, cool voice, “I hope you had a relatively safe vacation.” All the girls clap. One death look from his dark eyes is all it takes to silence us. We all stare back, not breaking eye contact. Waiters clad in black and white bring out plates with lids. I lean closer to my plate and inhale deeply. Beside me, Kyla and Beth do the same.
“Now, every girl who is seventeen must meet me in the library. Nine thirty, sharp.” Headmaster Overman continues. Kyla and I exchange a look. He always calls meetings for a certain age group.
Headmaster Overman sits down with the teachers and we turn back to our conversation.
“What do you think he wants from us?” Another girl, Darcy, asks. Kyla eyes the girl. She has never liked Darcy, a story involving stiletto knives, a phone call and some chocolate pudding.
“Maybe to review the uniform rules?” I suggest. Kyla raises an eyebrow and frowns slightly. Around us, the younger girls coo with the four star meal. I uncover my tray and pick up my fork. Beth and Darcy begin to eat as Kyla leans back in her chair. I can see her brain working. Kyla is smart. She’ll figure this out.
When life hands you a BAD ROMANCE, pick up your TELEPHONE, call ALEJANDRO and JUST DANCE!




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Gender Male
Points 189
Reviews 333
Assassins and thieves. My ideal story.

Your story has a very clear hook at the end which makes it readable. Your word choice was very good and fitted well.

I liked how at the end we almost fell into the other character as we then begin to wonder like Kyla, what the head master wants. So you have a reason to continue.

This is all basis of a good story. I can't wait to read more.

My only thing would be that I would like to see a bit more description at the start of the story. Just a thought.

PM for anything.

~Retro Disco666
'I have loved to the point of madness, which for me is the only true way to love'
~Francoise Sagan




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Gender Female
Points 2232
Reviews 40
One problem I can find here is that you tend to be a bit repetitive. At the start, for instance, you say "in the field" three times; "if not in the field, then because of something we did in the field. We train constantly, trying to lessen the risk of dying in the field."

Another is that the start is kind of telling more than showing. I'm sure you show a lot of this later, that they train and that it's dangerous to be a Cameron Girl. You don't necessarily need to tell us all that in the beginning.




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Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 3
I love the idea and the way it's written. Very addictive. There's one thing I want to say. The format is slightly off. What I mean is that there should be a bit more spaced.

for instance:

'....Victoria Wells, and, if it wasn’t clear, I am a Cameron Girl.'
(space)
I'm sitting in the library.... so on.

So you explain the situation in the beginning, than you go into the story of the character. (If that makes any sense. I hope this isn't taken the wrong way.)

That's just a suggestion. And a basic nitpick. I really like the story and look forward to reading more. You are a lovely writer. Remember that.

-Ace
The person who smiles when things go wrong, has thought of somebody to blame it on.
- Forgot the name




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Gender Male
Points 551
Reviews 43
I'm slightly confused by the character. Not that they're at a bad start for the story but you don't go into much detail about their personalities. For example, this girl, Kyla, you said she's smart but other than that, who is she as a person. It was a little vague. A second problem I found was the lack of background for everything so far. Such as how did the school form, why was it only accepting girls, and why only 60 of them? Now, I'm not saying you should pull a Tom Clancy move by literally spending nearly half the book just to set things up but just to include some general knowledge to help the readers understand. Other than that, there wasn't much else to comment on. I am curious to see how it plays out.
"So, I was thinking, I've always wanted to ride a TaunTaun."
"Ummmm....I asked you answer the math problem on the board."
"No you didn't."
"Yes I did."
"Yeah well, that's your opinion."...............A conversation between my teacher and I.




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Gender Female
Points 1040
Reviews 1
i cant help but think this reminds me of something i once read.
your writing is very good, i like the plot and the main character seems like my type of character.
i would just space it out a little better and you should be good.
Thats imortality my darlings... ;)




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Gender Female
Points 1040
Reviews 1
I think that this story is a great rough draft. What I mean by this is it doesn't have the cohesiveness and polish of a finished product. I suggest that you read over your story and find ways to make it better. I feel that as you mature as a writer, you will be able to make your story live up to its full potential. I do think this is a wonderful story, and maybe someday you can share it with the rest of the world.



Opportunity does not knock, it presents itself when you beat down the door.
— Kyle Chandler