The Break Up

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I never thought that the day would come; that day where I felt older than I already was. I watched my mother frantically loading the car with all of our stuff through my bedroom window. She had not slept a wink these past few days and neither did I. She said that we had to get away, away from our home for a little while. I knew what that meant. My stepfather was divorcing her. I saw it coming. I just did not think it would come this soon.

I could not bear seeing my mother so helpless and without a plan but to run away, I had never seen her helpless before in fact, and it scared me a lot. She kept on dropping items on the floor next to her car; she would pick them up very frustrated before tossing them into the boot of our car, her beloved Mercedes Benz. I watched a gentle wind blowing against her frail figure, attaching her brown floral chiffon dress to one side of it. She had tears in her eyes, the kinds that run down from your eyes unintentionally. They had draped softly around her cheeks. She had had this face of distress for over a month now.

“Reba!” she yelled. “Let’s go, now!”

I knew what that meant; she always yelled out my name when she was agitated. I felt uneasy travelling in a car with her driving because she was not thinking straight; she could cause an accident. I grabbed my bag from the top of my bed and said my last goodbye to my lifeless room. It no longer had posters on the wall and on my wardrobe. The floor was free of all my shoes and clothes; I knew that we were never coming back; I was never going to see my stepfather again. I slammed the door behind me to face my new fresh start again.

I threw my last bag into the back seat before slumping into the front. My mother threw on her sunglasses and started to reverse the car.

“Don’t worry my baby, we will be fine I promise,” my mother said while driving off.

I do not think she understood that I was old enough to understand what was going on. My mother had no job because she devoted her time to being a housewife for five years while my stepfather jetted off to other countries to see paradise. It was business, my mother believed him.

It had been almost three hours on the road and I was starting to feel blisters on my butt. We were going to my grandmother’s place. Of all the places my mother chose to stay, it had to be five hours away from her mothers, even though my stepfather barely stayed where we lived. He was an “international corporate events planner”, I don’t know what that means but that is what he told me.

“Can we stop mom, I want something to eat,” I finally broke the silence.

“Reba, we are not stopping. How many times did I tell you to get something to eat before we left?” she replied with her voice building up.

“But mom I’m tired, can’t we at least stop for five minutes?”

“Reba!” she paused. “I said no, you will eat something when we arrive.”

I was getting frustrated because she was taking out her emotions on me, it was not fair.

“Why is my stepfather divorcing you?” I hit back, it was the anger talking.

My mother did not reply. She just carried on driving, pressing on the accelerator.

“Mom, I know we are never going back, so you might as well tell me why he is divorcing you. I am almost seventeen, I can take it.”

I rested my head on my seat almost regretting my sudden outburst. I was angry too. I had finally found stability with our new family arrangement living with my stepfather. He treated me like his own daughter and I loved him. I was angry because I was part of the break up; a break up with my father figure. I knew it was not fair to talk to my mother the way I did. She was going through a lot and being difficult was making it worse. I was there the whole time my stepfather was not there for her while he was at work; he is the one to blame. He did not even have the courtesy to come home and break it off like a real man. We had not seen him for two months now.

My mother finally pulled over at a petrol station and ordered me to a restaurant in the complex. She walked ahead of me the whole time. We found a table next to the entrance.

“So what would you like to eat Reba? You can order anything you want, even dessert,” my mother said behind her sunglasses. She did not want to expose her puffy eyes.

“Mom I’m sorry about what I said in the car,” I said. There was a brief pause.

“Your stepfather is not divorcing me, I’m leaving him.” I leaned back on my seat, “It has been two months Reba, two months; and I don’t even know which country he went to because he doesn’t tell me. He does not answer my calls or have the decency to tell me when he’ll be back or where he is, I’m tired of living in a relationship alone, waiting for a man who won’t give me the attention I deserve. I have you my baby; I don’t need him or his money! He can keep it for all I care and spoil his new younger girlfriend with it, but I’m done,” she confessed bringing up a tissue to wipe her face which was already drowning in tears; the sunglasses were not doing a very good job.
I squeezed her hand in support. Her phone rang and she jumped for it. My mother did not like having personal conversations with me because culture does not allow a child to be involved with adult business.

“Yes?” she answered.

I watched her listening to the voice on the other side of the phone, her facial expression distant. I was not hungry anymore, I wanted to leave and arrive at my grandmother’s. She finally hung up.

“Those were the authorities,” she finally whispered, her voice was on the brink of choking on tears.

“What’s wrong mom?”

“Your s-stepfather; they finally identified his body. He was in China and there was an earthquake and his hotel collapsed and his dead,” my eyes widened. “And I’m here leaving him.” She broke out as I was expecting.

I felt numb all over. The whole restaurant was staring at my helpless mother while she cried. I squeezed her hand even tighter, I was preparing myself mentally for the future, the fresh drama in my new life.
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This is really an excellent piece. You did a great job building the characters through actions and dialogue, especially the mother. This is the kind of drama that seems like it could really happen.
I just saw a few minor things:

I could not bear seeing my mother so helpless and without a plan but to run away, I had never seen her helpless before, in fact, and it scared me a lot. She kept on dropping items on the floor next to her car; she would pick them up, very frustrated, before tossing them into the boot of our car, her beloved Mercedes Benz. I watched a gentle wind blowing against her frail figure, attaching her brown floral chiffon dress to one side of it. She had tears in her eyes, the kinds that run down from your eyes unintentionally. They had(do you need 'had'?) draped softly around her cheeks. She had had this face of distress for over a month now.


Your first sentence (underlined) seemed like it was two sentences put together. Other than that, really, this was a descriptive and informative paragraph.

“Don’t worry my baby, we will be fine I promise,” my mother said while driving off.


Another run-on.

It was business, my mother believed him.


Confusion here. I believe you were trying to imply that the stepfather was off seeing other women in these countries. However, this wasn't entirely clear. You might want to add that in. Or, if you want to keep the sentence the way it is, maybe hyphenate it where the comma is instead.

“Your s-stepfather; they finally identified his body. He was in China and there was an earthquake and his hotel collapsed and he's dead,” my eyes widened. “And I’m here leaving him.” She broke out broke out doing what?as I was expecting.



There's just small mistakes and details lacking in the text, but really, this was great. Again, good job developing the characters and using dialogue. I don't know if you were planning to continue this, but I think you could leave it where it is--the ending is beautiful. Well done, ziggie. Write on.




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Hey ziggiefred!
You asked for it, so here I am with your review :)

The plot is pretty straight forward, the mother leaves the stepfather only to find out he had passed away. The MC is in the middle of all the commotion and distraught by the set of the events. It's a good plot too, there are a lot of different angles that you can bring out in a story like this and I think you're on the right track. I do have a bit of critiquing to do however!

For some reason, I couldn't connect with your MC. I didn't feel sympathy for her and her mother, even though they just discovered their stepfather has tragically passed away. Emotion is the key! Is the MC angry at her stepfather for making her mother so paranoid in the beginning?(I know this was addressed later in the piece but you should show a hint of anger growing in the MC) What was it like to look back into her barren room?
I was getting frustrated because she was taking out her emotions on me, it was not fair.

Describe the frustration! Why isn't it fair?
“Those were the authorities,” she finally whispered, her voice was on the brink of choking on tears.

“What’s wrong mom?”

When the MC says "What's wrong..." you should mention what she's feeling at that time. Did her heart just drop? etc.

Other than the lack of connection with the character because of emotion, you have a fine piece started here(: There were a few grammar mistakes, but nothing that an aloud proofread couldn't solve.

PM me if you have any questions or would like me to review your work again!
-SodapopLunchbox
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Thank you so much for the great reviews, this was really helpful :)
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Everyone else pretty much covered it, so I'd have to say my main problem is that some of the dialogue feels stiff. Reba is a teenager, right? I'm assuming so since she still lives with her parents and is running away with her mom instead of going out to get her own place. I think one of the reasons it was hard for some of your readers connect emotionally is that her dialogue is a little formal. I don't see any contractions! Just adding things like contractions and slang would help, I think.




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Hi ziggie,

My first difficulty with this story was the overuse of the semi-colon. It's a beautiful punctuation mark and I love that you've wanted to use it, but if you use it too much it really stands out. You were using one every other sentence where it really wasn't required.

I like to use this guide, mostly because it's funny and nice to look at, as well as being accurate.

My mother had no job because she devoted her time to being a housewife for five years while my stepfather jetted off to other countries to see paradise.


Woah, needs some punctuation. This is a crazy sentence that needs to be slowed down. I recommend -- "My mother had no job because she devoted five years to being a housewive. Meanwhile, my stepfather jetted off to other countries to see paradise."

It was business, my mother believed him.


Split into two sentences.

We were going to my grandmother’s place. Of all the places my mother chose to stay, it had to be five hours away from her mothers, even though my stepfather barely stayed where we lived. He was an “international corporate events planner”, I don’t know what that means but that is what he told me.


Grammar mistakes in here. Should be "from her mother's". Also, the final sentence would be better rephrased as "He was an international corporate events planner; I don't know what that means, but it's what he called it."

“Can we stop mom, I want something to eat,” I finally broke the silence.


Needs a question mark.

“Mom I’m sorry about what I said in the car,” I said. There was a brief pause.


This reads oddly because she says "I said" in her dialogue too. I reckon you could write it as "Mom I'm sorry about what I said in the car." There was a brief pause."

He can keep it for all I care and spoil his new younger girlfriend with it, but I’m done,” she confessed bringing up a tissue to wipe her face which was already drowning in tears; the sunglasses were not doing a very good job.


Run-on after the dialogue finished. Put in a full stop after "confessed" and rephrase the following bit.

“Your s-stepfather; they finally identified his body. He was in China and there was an earthquake and his hotel collapsed and his dead,” my eyes widened. “And I’m here leaving him.” She broke out as I was expecting.


For a distressed woman, she describes what's happened fairly calmly! I would expect this would be more fragmented, more rushed, more confused. It's also hard to put into words when you get a shocking message. I think something more like "Your stepfather ... his body, they said ... in China ... an earthquake ... dead. And I'm here ... leaving him."

Or something like that!

The dialogue was the worst part of this for me. It was quite dull. Your characters, when speaking, came across quite samey and there wasn't much to it. I think you could work on improving their speech so it had a bit more sparkle to it.

Otherwise, this was solid. It has a lot of potential to be something more.

Good luck.
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WOW. I love this.
Poor man. He's dead and his wife thinks he cheated.
But still, poor woman. She thinks her husband left them, then she learns he's dead.

Well, the others already cited the lines with errors, so I'm just here to say that you did a splendid job! *claps*
Write more! Write a lot!

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REVIEW!!!
'cause I review back. XD XD XD




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Wow, beautiful. I loved it. Almost had a tear in my eye honestly. I can kind of relate to Reba, my mother got married four years ago and he is the first male figure in my life that's been around long enough for me to love. I'd be devastated if they got divorced, or worse if he died! Anyways, it was a good piece I really enjoyed it. Keep on writing, you're great at it!!
--Wendy.




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Hey Ziggie pie. Sorry it took me so long to get on to this request, but here I am. Ain't I? Now let's do the grammar nit-picks first and then I would get to the overall one. Quite usual style of mine. :wink:

I never thought that the day would come; that day where I felt older than I already was.

The latter part of the sentence should be like: ...;that day where I would feel older than I already was.

She had not slept a wink these past few days and neither did had I.
Te reason for using 'had' here is that since you have wrote 'she had not', then the word(actually the verb) should also be co-related.

I could not bear seeing my mother so helpless and without a plan but to run away, I had never seen her helpless before in fact, and it scared me a lot
.This seems like a run-on sentence to me. A run-on sentence joins at least two independent clauses without a conjunction or adequate punctuation I don't exactly know how to explain this to you, so I have Googled a site for you which would help you sort out this problem.
Run-On Sentences
http://www.wisegeek.com/what-is-a-run-on-sentence.html
For now a short example->She is watching TV, she likes playing football.
The above two parts of the sentences are completely unrelated so they make the sentence a lot frustrating to read. I am not above to give more good examples, but the site would help you. :)

Of all the places my mother chose to stay, it had to be five hours away from her mothers', even though my stepfather barely stayed where we lived.


“Reba!” she paused. “I said no, you will eat something when we arrive.”
Arrive is generally used when someone reaches where we are(the speaker). Like: They would be arriving this morning.
It should be 'reach' here.

I was getting frustrated because she was taking out her emotions on me; it was not fair.


“Why is my stepfather divorcing you?” I hit back, it was the anger talking.
I have never heard children say 'my step-dad'. Normally it's the name of the person like John, but if ever they think of him as a real one, they call him 'dad' or whatever. This happens in USA, UK, Europe and all. In my country, we hardly have step dads, and even if we do, we call them dad only. So a lot depends upon the setting and the country of the characters, and I just presumed it's USA.

“So what would you like to eat, Reba? You can order anything you want, even dessert,” my mother said behind her sunglasses.
When you directly address someone in writing, you surround their name with commas.

Ex. "It's a lovely day, Sam."
"Well, Dan, it's a matter of opinion."
"What's wrong with cloudless days, Ann?"

she confessed,[color=#FF0000](or as)[/color] bringing up a tissue to wipe her face which was already drowning in tears; the sunglasses were not doing a very good job.
One thing I didn't understand here was that if she is wearing her sunglasses then how can she wipe her tears without removing them? This confused me a lot.


Wow, Zigs! I loved this and the story specially. Your writing also seemed a hell lot better than it did in the last works I read of yours.

Okay, so honestly to say I was very much impressed with the dialog writing here. When you PMed me, you asked me to take special care of it, but I didn't feel the need, as they were mostly perfect. There were some mistakes here and there but I have rectified them for you. Ain't I great? :P

I didn't find much mistakes, and which I found have already been told to you by others, so I won't bother going on over them again. This story, if were real, could have been a good Chicken Soup material. I loved the ending, the end the story has to it. It was quite chilling and thrilling to read what exactly had happened to her step-father.

There were some small errors with the grammar, but I explained you about it and mostly all those points were told to me by other cool YWSers.

“Your s-stepfather; they finally identified his body. He was in China and there was an earthquake and his hotel collapsed and his dead,” my eyes widened. “And I’m here leaving him.” She broke out as I was expecting.
Firstly it seemed like Reba was saying all this because of the comma after the dialog. If her eyes widened and you want to tell us, then make it into a new sentence. Secondly, this was the main dialog in some sense, and the main punch of the story. You needed to make it more melodramatic; you should have told us exactly how the mother was shocked and how exactly her face looked while saying this. Also, as you told that the girl loved her stepfather a lot, so you should also include how she feels when being told of his death. That surely, had to a be a great pain for her.

At last, I would like to conclude that you write superb short stories, and know how to end it in a fun way, in limited time. This is a great quality. :)

Keep Writing,
Shubhi
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Next time you point a finger
I'll point you to the mirror"

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Overall, it was a fairly interesting read.

But there is potential for you to drive in the point deeper. We spend 3/5 of the story going, "Okay, she's leaving. Why? For some reason." And then we spend another 1/5 of the story with, "Okay, she thinks he's cheating, that's pretty typical." And then at the last 1/5 of the story, we finally get something that is interesting and solid, but it's gone in one sentence, and the story is over.

So you could have made the first 3/5 more compelling. Ways you could have done this:
1) A better opening line than "I never thought the day would come."

2) Have the narration be less formal and informative and uninteresting (also seemingly uninterested). Lines like:
I could not bear seeing my mother so helpless and without a plan but to run away

could have been emphasized with more powerful language. You don't need the "I could not bear" part because we're already in the narrator's mind. So tell us something vivid about how disturbing it is to see your mother (someone you thought to be so strong for 17 years, someone you thought to have all the answers) helpless.

3) Don't just shut down the conversation between the mother and daughter in the car. It's uninteresting. This is only slightly relevant, but the first rule of improv acting is don't just say "No" to the other actor because it brings all the action to an abrupt halt. The unstoppable force and the immovable object. Let the two characters talk and bounce back and forth. Even if you still skirt around the subject, anything is better than "Mom can we eat?" "NO!" "Mom why are we leaving?" Silence. And then there's no resolution.

And also,
she always yelled out my name when she was agitated

That's really weird. Like, weird in that 1) it goes without saying that she's agitated because she's frantically loading a car and yelling at her daughter to come 2) "she always yelled my name when agitated" brings to mind completely unrelated scenarios where she's frustrated and shouting her name.

She walked ahead of me the whole time.

This was a good chance to make some sort of emotional comparison. So use it.

So yes, all in all, it has potential. Step it up a notch and don't be afraid to get into the emotions of the narrator, not just the information she has to convey to us like "I was angry because of the break up...it was not fair to talk to my mother that way...he is the one to blame...he was not a real man..."

Because right now, all we have of substance on our plate is the restaurant, and it's over as soon as we begin.




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Hey Ziggiefred!

First off, this is a good story with good action. I read through some of the other comments and agree with what others said about the dialogue: you've got two, strong interesting characters that are filled out quite a bit already because of what's happening to both of them, but you don't have them interacting as well as they could. The daughter's angry at the mom but all you get with that is the daughter's one comment in the car and her saying to us that she's angry. That's a tense moment that could be expanded out a lot more and make the story as a whole better. And I agree with Mysty about using naturalistic dialogue, it'd ring more true I think.

Lastly, I love what you did with the end.

-Cath




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Cool! I'm going to go through this piece-by-piece, because you've got a few grammatical errors and some sentences with awkward structure.

I never thought that the day would come; that day where I felt older than I already was.


I think here, you're trying to give us a sharp, concise introduction. I do feel, though, that it's a little clunky, and not quite clear without some thorough examination. Because this isn't something most people dread (feeling older than they are, currently), it's hard for the reader here to wrap their mind around what you are saying. If you said something like, "I never thought that this day would come" and then further clarified it with something specifying that your narrator feels that she has suddenly taken a forward leap, and that she now has to be an adult all of a sudden, it might be better.

Also, the sentence itself feels awkward to me. There are too many words! If you started it off with a short, sharp sentence (the always-reliable, somewhat-cliched, "I never thought this day would come" for example), and then followed it up with a longer descriptive sentence I think you would be good to go.

I watched my mother frantically loading the car with all of our stuff through my bedroom window. I don't think you really need to say "with all of our stuff" here. It's sufficient to say that she's loading the car.She had not slept a wink these past few days and neither did had I. She said that we had to get away, away from our home for a little while. I think the repetition here is awkward and melodramatic...I would be tempted to remove it I knew what that meant. My stepfather was divorcing her. I saw it coming. I just did not think it would come this soon.


Because your narrator is clearly a child/teenager, it's bothering me a little bit that you are not using contractions. Your syntax is so formal that it is eating up the tone that you want to create (and that you are trying to create with your use of drama). I think you would be better served, not necessarily by simplifying this, but definitely by making it more character-appropriate.

I could not bear seeing my mother so helpless and without a plan but to run away, I had never seen her helpless before in fact, and it scared me a lot. Saying helpless twice...eh...I would like to see a little bit of range, here, because you have a vocabulary that could make this a much more interesting sentence. She kept on Do you need "on" here? Again with the syntax dropping items on the floor next to her car; Actually, you're also using a lot of semi-colons, which are sort of ruining bits of this. I'm all for semi-colons when they are necessary, but you have placed them in areas where I think it would be better to have two, unique sentences instead she would pick them up very frustrated before tossing them into the boot of our car, her beloved Mercedes Benz. I watched a gentle wind blowing against her frail figure, attaching her brown floral chiffon dress to one side of it. awkward sentence. you could render this a little more poetically, and because your prose is not really dripping with description anyway I think it would improve if you did so She had tears in her eyes, the kinds kind that run down from your eyes unintentionally. They had draped softly around her cheeks. She had had this face of distress for over a month now. This is a little bit odd. She hasn't been crying for a month, right? So I would be tempted to describe what else about her is distressed, and then say that this has been the way it's been for over a month

“Reba!” she yelled. “Let’s go, now!”

I knew what that meant; she always yelled out my name when she was agitated. I felt uneasy travelling in a car with her driving because she was not thinking straight; she could cause an accident. Eh, she doesn't seem that agitated to me. I think you need to build this up a little more, show us some instability I grabbed my bag from the top of my bed and said my last goodbye to my lifeless room. It no longer had posters on the wall and on my wardrobe. The floor was free of all my shoes and clothes; I knew that we were never coming back; I was never going to see my stepfather again. I slammed the door behind me to face my new fresh start again.


This paragraph is where the semi-colons are really impairing your writing. Because this is such an intense moment, I think you really need to shorten this up--make it choppy and raw instead of drawing it out with the use of punctuation.

I threw my last bag into the back seat before slumping into the front. My mother threw on her sunglasses and started to reverse the car.

“Don’t worry my baby, we will be fine I promise,” my mother said while driving off. This sounds stilted to me

I do not think she understood that I was old enough to understand what was going on. Using understood here, twice, is a little redundant, and it bothers me while I'm reading My mother had no job because she devoted her time to being a housewife Life as a housewife should prepare her to understand her daughter, shouldn't it? This seems contradictory for five years while my stepfather jetted off to other countries to see paradise. It was business, my mother believed him.


Okay, this little chunk has me tangled. If her stepfather wasn't working, and was just taking vacations, how are they supporting themselves for any length of time? It just seems a little unreasonable to me.

It had been almost three hours on the road and I was starting to feel blisters on my butt. We were going to my grandmother’s place. Of all the places my mother chose to stay, it had to be five hours away from her mothers, even though my stepfather barely stayed where we lived. Cumbersome few sentences here...if you clean this up we would be able to understand it much better He was an “international corporate events planner”, I don’t know what that means but that is what he told me.

“Can we stop mom, I want something to eat,” I finally broke the silence. Should be "Can we stop, Mom? I want something to eat,"

“Reba, we are not stopping. How many times did I tell you to get something to eat before we left?” she replied with her voice building up.

“But mom I’m tired, can’t we at least stop for five minutes?”

“Reba!” she paused. “I said no, you will eat something when we arrive.” Stilted

I was getting frustrated because she was taking out her emotions on me, it was not fair. Good! But you need to build this emotion. right now, you just have a tiny bit of insight for us on how your narrator is feeling. Remember that we don't know this girl--we have no idea what's going through her head right now

“Why is my stepfather divorcing you?” I hit back, it was the anger talking. "My stepfather" is really awkward. Usually children call step-parents something--often their first name. Also, the bit about the anger seems a little out of place. It's not a particularly angry comment, in and of itself. What makes it seems angry? Is she speaking sharply? Yelling?

My mother did not reply. She just carried on driving, pressing on the accelerator.

“Mom, I know we are never going back, so you might as well tell me why he is divorcing you. I am almost seventeen, I can take it.”

I rested my head on my seat almost regretting my sudden outburst. Again, it doesn't seem very outburst-worthy to me. Her words are not impassioned, really, and they seem disjointed--not quite fully formed. And your assertion after this, that the narrator is also angry, doesn't seem to gel with the mother's attitude at all. It's news to me that they are both angry. Show us! I was angry too. I had finally found stability with our new family arrangement living with my stepfather. He treated me like his own daughter and I loved him. I was angry because I was part of the break up; a break up with my father figure. The repetition is definitely unnecessary here I knew it was not fair to talk to my mother the way I did. She was going through a lot and being difficult was making it worse. I was there the whole time my stepfather was not there for her while he was at work; he is the one to blame. He did not even have the courtesy to come home and break it off like a real man. We had not seen him for two months now. I thought the mother was breaking up with him?

My mother finally pulled over at a petrol station and ordered me to a restaurant in the complex. She walked ahead of me the whole time. We found a table next to the entrance.

“So what would you like to eat Reba? You forgot your comma of address You can order anything you want, even dessert,” my mother said behind her sunglasses. She did not want to expose her puffy eyes.

“Mom I’m sorry about what I said in the car,” I said. There was a brief pause.

“Your stepfather is not divorcing me, I’m leaving him.” I leaned back on my seat, “It has been two months Reba, two months; and I don’t even know which country he went to because he doesn’t tell me. He does not answer my calls or have the decency to tell me when he’ll be back or where he is, I’m tired of living in a relationship alone, waiting for a man who won’t give me the attention I deserve. I have you my baby; This should be "I have you, my baby, making it into a clause I don’t need him or his money! He can keep it for all I care and spoil his new younger girlfriend with it, but I’m done,” she confessed bringing up a tissue to wipe her face which was already drowning in tears; the sunglasses were not doing a very good job.

I squeezed her hand in support. Her phone rang and she jumped for it. My mother did not like having personal conversations with me because culture does not allow a child to be involved with adult business.

“Yes?” she answered.

I watched her listening to the voice on the other side of the phone, her facial expression distant. I was not hungry anymore, I wanted to leave and arrive at my grandmother’s. She finally hung up.

“Those were the authorities,” she finally whispered, her voice was on the brink of choking on tears. "The authorities" is very vague. Try and use a colloquialism or something here. Give us an idea of who the mother is, as a person. Would she say cops? Would she name the station? Would she have an officer's name?

“What’s wrong mom?”

“Your s-stepfather; they finally identified his body. He was in China and there was an earthquake and his hotel collapsed and his dead,” my eyes widened. “And I’m here leaving him.” She broke out as I was expecting. Finally? It sounds like they were waiting for a long time, when you say that, but they haven't been.

I felt numb all over. The whole restaurant was staring at my helpless mother while she cried. I squeezed her hand even tighter, I was preparing myself mentally for the future, the fresh drama in my new life.


Okay, overall, I think you have a sound concept here, but you definitely need to focus on your characterization. Your events are strong, and you have a very clear sense of where you are going, here. However, I do think that this story is lacking in emotional pull. We, as readers, don't really get an idea of who the narrator is at all. Your descriptions need emotion, your feelings need expansion! SHOW us what kind of person she is, so that we can relate to her on a more thorough level.

With a little work, this could be a great little story! Nice job!
Paramedic
Writer
Crazy
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Points 249
Reviews 122
This is an interesting story. You are very decriptive in the way you write. Sometimes though details can get in the way of telling the story. I noticed several instences that you became so into detail that I could picture the girl and her mother but then when you stopped describing them i would forget what had just happend. And when you arent going into detail there seems to be no detail at all. It is very hard to find the balince, but try to work at it. I am sure that the previose reviews already stated grammar and instances. My advise is to go over the story again and to try to find the balance. I think that with work this can become and amazing story
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