Saved on the Killer Mountain- Chapter Eight

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Monday arrived quicker than expected. Elijah walked outside to find Peter lying on his porch. "Peter," Elijah nudged him with his foot. "Get up. We need to get to school."

"Huh?" Peter sat up immediately. "Oh! Hey Elijah! I got up at five and came over. I must've fallen asleep."

"Why five? We don't even have to be at school till eight-fifteen." Elijah looked down at his watch. "It's seven-fifty! You've been out here on my porch for almost three hours?"

"I guess so! I just wanted to get outside so much! I've been in my room since Thursday!"

Peter stood up and grabbed his backpack off the ground, and they started walking towards school.

Elijah started the conversation, "So, we're goin' to mountain climbing training on Wednesday."

"Yeah. I can't wait! I'm this much closer to seeing the world! I'm finally leaving Georgia!" Peter had never been out of Georgia, and it was his dream to travel the globe before he died.

"Wednesday is going to be the last time we see our parents for two months."

"I know! Where's the training anyway? I can't remember what my dad told me."

"Barrow, Alaska."

"Awesome! Alaska's up north, ain't it? Do you think it'll snow while we are there?"

"Probably."

"Awesome! I've always wanted to see some real snow! Not like the stupid inch we rarely get here in Georgia!"

"Yup."

They walked in the center of the road. Since only a handful of people lived in their neighborhood, the road was never busy.

"So, how long are we gonna be in Barrow anyway?" Peter asked in an attempt to continue the conversation.

"I think it said a week, but I'm not sure."

"Cool! A week in Alaska and then a couple of months in Pakistan! Woo!" Peter looked over at Elijah. "Eli, are you ready for it?"

"I'm still worried that we're going to get hurt or something, you know? You should've seen the list of people who died on that mountain, and we might be added soon."

"Like I said before, ain't nothin' gonna happen! Stop worrying so much!"

"You mean to say that it doesn't even bother you that we are going to be climbing a dangerous mountain in a troubled part of the world?"

"Nope. I mean, if you think about it, walking in the street like this is dangerous, but we're still doing it. Climbing the mountain's no different."

"Yes it is! It's a freakin' mountain! This is a flat, unused road! There is a major safety difference between them!"

"You know, something bad could happen here, or at school, in Alaska, on the plane to Alaska. Really, the list is endless."

"Oh, shut up."

The two of them reached the front of the school. Elijah pointed at the flashing sign in front of the building. Congratulations to Elijah Telford and Peter Auchinleck! The orange words rolled across the flashy sign.

"Ain't that awesome, Eli? Even the school is congratulating us!"

"Yay." Elijah put his hands in his pockets and walked into the building. His head drooped down as if depressed.

Peter ran in after Elijah. Before he could say anything, the bell rang through the halls signalling for everyone to report to homeroom.

"Well, I'll talk to you later, Eli," Peter said as he walked towards the ninth grade wing.

"Bye, Peter."

***************************************************

Sitting in his desk, drawing stick figures in his notebook while the teacher went on about triangles, Elijah thought about the expedition. What if something does happen? Afghanistan is right next to Pakistan. What if we get bombed or something on our flight over there? What if our plane is shot down? We're going to die on this trip. I just know it.

"Mr. Telford," the teacher's voice interrupted Elijah's thoughts.

"Huh?" His head shot up from his desk.

"Can you explain to the class how to work this problem, here?" She used the yard stick in her hand to point at a poorly-drawn triangle, with different numbers and symbols around it, on the board.

"Uh," He looked down at his stick men in hopes that they would give him the answer.

"Next time," she said as she walked over and took the notebook from his desk, "pay attention." The clicking of her heels echoed through the temporarily silent classroom. He heard the kid sitting behind him snicker to himself. Elijah slammed his head down against the table making his braces jab his lips, and they began to bleed.

The bitter taste of blood flooded his taste buds. He covered his mouth with one hand and rose the other above his head.

"Yes, Elijah? Do you know the answer now?" the teacher hissed. He just shook his head. "Then why did you raise your hand?"

He removed his hand from his face. Her eyes grew large at the sight of blood on his hand and lips.

The group of guys sitting next to him began laughing and saying, "Let 'im bleed. He's suicidal and wants to die anyway."

Another voice chimed in, "Yeah! That's why he's going to Pakistan."

"No!" the kid behind Elijah joined them, "He's going to Pakistan to join the terrorists so he can come back and kill us all!" The class began to laugh at his comment. Elijah flipped around and slapped the boy across the face.

"Shut up, Tyler."

"Make me," Tyler stood up. Being a basketball player, he was a good five inches above Elijah's head.

Elijah stood and pushed Tyler backwards. Tyler pushed Elijah back, and Elijah fell backwards into some desks. He stood and threw a punch at Tyler's gut, but Tyler caught his hand and bent it backwards. Then, he pushed Elijah back into the desks, and he landed on his wrist causing him to cringe from pain.

The teacher stepped between them and grabbed Tyler's arm.

"That's enough, you two! I'm going to bring you to the office." She turned towards the laughing class. "All of you, hush up!" she teacher shouted. "You too, Elijah. Get up. I'm going to let the principal take care of this."

Elijah stood slowly and walked out of the room with the teacher and Tyler. He looked down at the hand he had landed on. It hurt to move it, and in certain points, he could no longer feel it. Though in pain, he kept a straight face as he walked down the hallway to be punished.

You know what? The deadly mountain might not be so bad. Elijah thought to himself as he walked.

**************************************************

"Two minutes left for lunch," Peter said to himself as he carried his tray out of the line. The line to get food was already out the cafeteria door. "Good thing I got here early, or I would have had to skip lunch."

He started to walk towards a table when one of the cheerleaders, in here little black and gold uniform, stuck her foot out and tripped him up. He didn't fall, but his tray flipped out of his hands and hit the floor. "Hope you're not that clumsy on that mountain, Peter!" he heard girl shout.

As different people standing around laughed at him, Peter just smiled awkwardly. "Well," he started, "I guess I could get to class early." He walked out of the cafeteria with his head drooped down.

The hall was empty since the bell wasn't supposed to ring for another five minutes. He sat on the floor and leaned on the shiny new lockers lining the wall.

He started talking to himself. "Maybe Elijah was right. I don't have any friends except for him. I'm alone." He paused. "Well, God's there. He wouldn't trip me in the cafeteria. Yeah!" he perked up, "I've got God and Elijah on my side! Those kids are just jealous that they don't get to go to Pakistan and skip two months of school."

**************************************************
Peter sat waiting on the front steps of the school. He stood when he saw Elijah, and they started walking home.

"What happened to you?" Peter asked Elijah when he noticed the blisters on his lips and the brace on his wrist.

"Oh. I, uh, wasn't paying attention in class and Mrs. Thomas asked me something, and I didn't know what the heck she was talking about, and..."

"What happened to your mouth and your hand? I don't want a summary of third period," Peter interrupted him.

"I got frustrated and slammed my head against my desk, and my braces cut my lips. People were picking on me. A fight started, and I got knocked into some desks and landed on my hand awkwardly. Then, I spent the rest of third period and half of fourth in the Principal's office. I'm suspended for a week." Elijah smirked.

"You're going to be in so much trouble when you get home."

"Yeah. So, how was your day?"

"Awesome. Just awesome."

"That's good. Just one more day, and then it's off to Alaska."

"Thank the Lord!"

"Yeah," Elijah paused, "I can't wait to get away from here."
Last edited by eab10 on Tue Jul 20, 2010 4:01 am, edited 1 time in total.
"A stranger in a strange land" ~ Exodus 2:22




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eab! I'm offended! You didn't PM me when the new chapter was up! Either that or I forgot about it.... No! I'm sure you didn't. If I didn't like this story so much, I might just not even review it. Unfortunately, I like it too much. Crap.

Anywho!

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eab10 wrote:Monday arrived quicker than expected. Elijah walked outside to find Peter lying on his porch. "Peter," Elijah nudged him with his foot. "Get up. We need to get to school."

"Huh?" Peter sat up immediately. "Oh! Hey Elijah! I got up at five and came over. I must've fallen asleep."

"Why five? We don't even have to be at school till eight-fifteen." Elijah looked down at his watch. "It's seven-fifty! You've been out here on my porch for almost three hours?"

"I guess so! I just wanted to get outside so much! I've been in my room since Thursday!"

Peter stood up and grabbed his backpack off the ground, and they started walking towards school.

Elijah started the conversation, "So, we're goin' to mountain climbing training on Wednesday."

"Yeah. I can't wait! I'm this much closer to seeing the world! I'm finally leaving Georgia!" Peter had never been out of Georgia, and it was his dream to travel the globe before he died.

"Wednesday is going to be the last time we see our parents for two months."

"I know! Where's the training anyway? I can't remember what my dad told me."

"Barrow, Alaska."

"Awesome! Alaska's up north, ain't it? Do you think it'll snow while we are there?"

"Probably."

"Awesome! I've always wanted to see some real snow! Not like the stupid inch we rarely get here in Georgia!"

"Yup!" I don't know, this just seems out of place. Then again, Elijah showing any excitement, really, seems out of place. But, seriously, he's like "Barrow, Alaska," and "Probably." Am I the only one who thinks it's odd that he goes "Yup!" right after that? Anyways, the dialogue ends here, so if there was a reason he's excited, (example: he likes to snowboard) then this is the ideal place to say that, making his reaction seem normal.

They walked in the center of the road. Since only a handful of people lived in their neighborhood, the road was never busy.

"So, how long are we gonna be in Barrow anyway?" You can easily tell who's talking, but adding a dialogue tag wouldn't hurt, just to escape any confusion. Then again, I could just be being really nitpicky. It's hard to tell with me.

"I think it said a week, but I'm not sure."

"Cool! A week in Alaska and then a couple of months in Pakistan! Woo!" Peter looked over at Elijah. "Eli, are you ready for it?"

"I'm still concerned for our safety. This seems really stiff. Maybe something like, "I'm still worried we're going to get hurt, or worse," or something. You should've seen the list of people who died on that mountain, and we might be added soon."

"Like I said before, ain't nothin' gonna happen! Stop worrying so much!"

"You mean to say that it doesn't even bother you that we are going to be climbing a dangerous mountain in a troubled part of the world?"

"Nope. I mean, if you think about it, walking in the street like this is dangerous, but we're still doing it. Climbing the mountain's no different."

"Yes it is! It's a freakin' mountain! This is a flat, unused road! There is a major safety difference between them!"

"You know, something bad could happen here, or at school, in Alaska, on the plane to Alaska. Really, the list is endless."

"Oh, shut up."

The two of them reached the front of the school. Elijah pointed at the flashing sign in front of the building. Congratulations to Elijah Telford and Peter Auchinleck! The orange words rolled across the flashy sign.

"Ain't that awesome, Eli? Even the school is congratulating us!"

"Yay." Elijah put his hands in his pockets and walked into the building. His head drooped down as if depressed.

Peter ran in after Elijah. Before he could say anything, the bell rang through the halls signalling for everyone to report to homeroom.

"Well, I'll talk to you later, Eli," Peter said as he walked towards the ninth grade wing.

"Bye, Peter."

***************************************************

Sitting in his desk, drawing stick figures in his notebook while the teacher went on about triangles, Elijah thought about the expedition. What if something does happen? Afghanistan is right next to Pakistan. What if we get bombed or something on our flight over there? What if our plane is shot down? We're going to die on this trip. I just know it.

"Mr. Telford," the teacher's voice interrupted Elijah's thoughts.

"Huh?" His head shot up from his desk.

"Can you explain to the class how to work this problem, here?" She used the yard stick in her hand to point at a poorly-drawn triangle, with different numbers and symbols around it, on the board.

"Uh," He looked down at his stick men in hopes that they would give him the answer.

"Next time," she said as she walked over and took the notebook from his desk, "pay attention." The clicking of her heels echoed through the temporarily silent classroom. He heard the kid sitting behind him snicker to himself. Elijah slammed his head down against the table making his braces jab his lips, and they began to bleed.

The bitter taste of blood flooded his taste buds. He covered his mouth with one hand and rose the other above his head.

"Yes, Elijah? Do you know the answer now?" the teacher hissed. He just shook his head. "Then why did you raise your hand?"

He removed his hand from his face. Her eyes grew large at the sight of blood on his hand and lips.

The group of guys sitting next to him began laughing and saying, "Let 'im bleed. He's suicidal and wants to die anyway."

Another voice chimed in, "Yeah! That's why he's going to Pakistan."

"No!" the kid behind Elijah joined them, "He's going to Pakistan to join the terrorists so he can come back and kill us all!" The class began to laugh at his comment. Elijah flipped around and slapped the boy across the face.

"Shut up, Tyler."

"Make me," Tyler stood up. Being a basketball player, he was a good five inches above Elijah's head.

Elijah stood and pushed Tyler backwards. Tyler pushed Elijah back, and Elijah fell backwards into some desks. He stood and threw a punch at Tyler's gut, but Tyler caught his hand and bent it backwards. Then, he pushed Elijah back into the desks, and he landed on his wrist causing him to cringe from pain. I know Tyler's a basketball player and all, but Eli just got a lot of training. Wouldn't he be stronger, and an overall better fighter? Correct me if I'm wrong.

The teacher stepped between them and grabbed Tyler's arm.

"That's enough, you two! I'm going to bring you to the office." She turned towards the laughing class. "All of you, hush up!" she teacher shouted. "You too, Elijah. Get up. I'm going to let the principal take care of this."

Elijah stood slowly and walked out of the room with the teacher and Tyler. He looked down at the hand he had landed on. It hurt to move it, and in certain points, he could no longer feel it. Though in pain, he kept a straight face as he walked down the hallway to be punished.

You know what? The deadly mountain might not be so bad. Elijah thought to himself as he walked.

**************************************************

"Two minutes left for lunch," Peter said to himself as he carried his tray out of the line. The line to get food was already out the cafeteria door. "Good thing I got here early, or I would have had to skip lunch."

He started to walk towards a table when one of the cheerleaders, in here little black and gold uniform, stuck her foot out and tripped him up. He didn't fall, but his tray flipped out of his hands and hit the floor. "Hope you're not that clumsy on that mountain, Peter!" he heard girl shout.

As different people standing around laughed at him, Peter just smiled awkwardly. "Well," he started, "I guess I could get to class early." He walked out of the cafeteria with his head drooped down.

The hall was empty since the bell wasn't supposed to ring for another five minutes. He sat on the floor and leaned on the shiny new lockers lining the wall.

He started talking to himself. "Maybe Elijah was right. I don't have any friends except for him. I'm alone." He paused. "Well, God's there. He wouldn't trip me in the cafeteria. Yeah!" he perked up, "I've got God and Elijah on my side! Those kids are just jealous that they don't get to go to Pakistan and skip two months of school." I seriously laughed at this part! He is such an optimist, even to the point of being foolish, which makes it even more funny. He's like a little kid that'll believe anything his parents tell him. A few years back my dad told me that melodramatic meant that you weren't dramatic, and I believed him because in my mind melo = mellow, so duh! Calm! I was so naive. :)

**************************************************
Peter sat waiting on the front steps of the school. He stood when he saw Elijah, and they started walking home.

"What happened to you?" Peter asked Elijah when he noticed the blisters on his lips and the brace on his wrist.

"Oh. I, uh, wasn't paying attention in class and Mrs. Thomas asked me something, and I didn't know what the heck she was talking about, and..."

"What happened to your mouth and your hand? I don't want a summary of third period," Peter interrupted him.

"I got frustrated and slammed my head against my desk, and my braces cut my lips. People were picking on me. A fight started, and I got knocked into some desks and landed on my hand awkwardly. Then, I spent the rest of third period and half of fourth in the Principal's office. I'm suspended for a week." Elijah smirked.

"You're going to be in so much trouble when you get home."

"Yeah. So, how was your day?"

"Awesome. Just awesome."

"That's good. Just one more day, and then it's off to Alaska."

"Thank the Lord!"

"Yeah," Elijah paused, "I can't wait to get away from here."


Okay, so gotta say, loving the story. Characters: great. Plot: great. Descriptions: great. My only thing is, I'd get to the action soon. I mean, yes, all this stuff has been entertaining, and for the most part needed, but action is needed otherwise readers will get bored.

I'd say more but I have to get up at 7:30 tomorrow, and it's 10:30 here. And I'm not really in the mood to play a zombie. So, later!

loveness, ultraviolet
"Blah blah blah. You feel trapped in your life. Here is what I am hearing: happiness isn't worth any inconvenience."

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Thanks for pointing out all that stuff!
For that first thing where Eli used an exclamation point, I was kinda using it from my own point of view. Like, most anybody I know that lives around here would be extremely excited about a lot of snow. I mean, we got like three inches in January, and everyone was just ecstatic. (I was awesome and the deepest snow I've ever seen in my life) But, I'll change it because, like you said, it is Elijah.
Even though they've been through training and all, the two guys are still little wimpy dudes. That other guy had probably been in a lot of fights where as that was probably Eli's first. (Look at me referring to them as if they were actual people...I'm losing my mind)
I'm glad you liked that part that Peter said because I was actually debating with myself whether to remove it or not, so I think I'll keep it.
As for action, I'm getting there. Since the only real action is going to be on the mountain, naturally it would take a while to get there. I'm currently writing chapter ten and editing chapter nine. They'll most likely reach the thingy in eleven, but yeah. These chapters basically there to show how close they are so people get a good image of their relationship. It adds more effect to the upcoming climax I'm trying to reach...
-Emily
P.S. Thanks, and I'll remember to PM you from now on so I don't get yelled at... :D
(off to fix all the little errors and such!)
"A stranger in a strange land" ~ Exodus 2:22



Inspiration usually comes during work, rather than before it.
— Madeleine L'Engle, Author