Sinful Pride - Chapter 3 (Revised)

~ Deleted from existence ~

Hi kyousuke!

Here as requested.

I grasped her legs tighter and turned towards the closest forest behind #FF0000 ">(the) spacious rice fields.

How about recalling his position? I know this is a continuation but you might confuse the readers, though I remember that he let the injured girl ride on his back (sort of a piggyback position). And you might want to let us know how he felt the heavy weight (referring to the girl he's carrying). Was he trembling already? what about the surroundings around him? Also, it kind of lacks an article 'the' between the words "behind" and "spacious"

(You don't have to take this one seriously: --->>) Um, what about spacious rice fields? Or it is just me because in my own view, rice fields are obviously spacious. I don't know but it seems you need a better adjective to it. O_o

Unaware of what was happening behind me#FF0000 ">, I only cared about the shortening distance between me and the forest.

Comma, dude.

All the #FF00FF ">fields on my #FF00BF ">field of vision seemed like liquid that quickly passed behind me, though they slowly were reclaiming their real view.

Personally, I don't like reading the same words within a sentence. And I don't quite understand this particular part here 'cause I don't know what you're actually trying to imply.

Oi, are you kidding? I’m getting too fatigued so fast?

I'm not saying that is wrong but with the serious voice of the narrator here, "Oi" tends to be a bit modern and informal.

With the silence around me#FF0000 ">, old memories against my own will started appearing in my mind.

They were #FF0000 ">like a beast you #FF0000 ">couldn't escape from and which would tear you apart if you loosen your grasp over yourself.

Okay, okay. I just wanted to say thanks again for requesting a review. I'm greatly appreciated by it and could still sense your trust on me.

First of all, I find this piece good. Your grammars are greatly improving and so with your tenses. though I could still see quite a few misplaced commas, I think this is really a nice piece. I think you did a good job at entertaining me however, there's no climatic scenes that are present here and because this is short, I don't think it's enough to end the chapter that fast. Tell us more informations and about the girl, like portraying her face or body when she's still asleep. I just want to add in when it comes to your descriptions; they're really an attention grabber that made me to read the first word until the last one. And I think you balanced out well enough the 'show don't tell' method- a good sign that you're really improving. One thing also, I like how you kept and maintain the standard voice of you MC, you manage to be himself or to be his character throughout those chapters that I've read so far.

I won't really say much because in my opinion, this is interesting and makes me feel a little bit intrigue. And I just wanted to say about fairly spicing this chapter up. It's because all I know about the flow is that your main character escapes not to be caught up by the horsemen, talks about sins and everything and about something we readers can't really relate well (refer to a specific quoted paragraph).

A terrifying beast created by an incident not that long ago, an incident that in the end made a birth to a different myself and forced me to wear a mask on my left half of face, which decorated by red markings was called 'A Mask of sorrow'.

This is an intriguing paragraph and well done for finishing three chappies already. hehe.

Kicking aside those nitpicks and negative comments, I really like this. Thank you for the good read (again).
Hope I helped. PM me for questions.

Keep writing!

Peace out!

~yuri

Hello there Kyou!

Here for my second review.

I #FF0000 ">layed her down on the ground with her head slightly leaned against a tree.

I think you meant "laid"- it's the past tense of "lay". Okay, I remember about my comment about your previous starting line and I just want to say that this is a bit weak for me. I could not find something interesting here that would automatically captures my attention. However, I think this is okay but in my own opinion, you might need to revise this.

Without any time to look for some herbs#FF0000 ">, I immediately began examining her to find out what kind of herbs I could use from my bag.

Always remember your comma boy.

It's not like if I didn't know that girls had soft skin, but her#FF0000 ">s felt just too much.

Shaking my head to get rid of all the unnecessary thoughts#FF0000 ">, I rushed myself to make a liniment of herbs.

Strike two.

However, he#FF0000 ">'s is but a person created as a result of spread rumors, while I actually know what truly happened, I know the truth and so in the end, I'm a different person, who just bears the same body and title.

Redundant.


When all's said and done...

Don't worry, I think this is a lot better than the previous one. I really do know that you're struggling well when it comes with punctuations. I recommend that you check out under Resources section. there are lots of helpful and good tips there.
Hope I helped. PM me for questions.

Keep writing!

Peace out,
Yuri