Love Rollercoaster

4 posts
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KitxKat
Gender Female
Points 5750
Reviews 76
Mon Jul 19, 2010 4:06 am
KitxKat says... · Mon Jul 19, 2010 4:06 am
I wrote this about a boy I met at a camp I just came back from. I wanted to try a lovey-dovey-gross-icky feel to it, so yeah.



We met over a t-shirt. You smiled, I raised my eyebrows, everything went upside down.
Now I miss you, I miss you.


Now I’m stuck on the love rollercoaster
Watching you go up and down, just out of reach
I’d give anything to get you back
Get off the love rollercoaster.


Tears are in my eyes as I think about that morning. How could I not realize everything was perfect.
Now you’re gone.
How I wish I could do it all over, how I wish we could start over.
I wouldn’t make the same mistakes again.

Now I’m stuck on the love rollercoaster
Watching you go up and down, just out of reach
I’d give anything to get you back
Get off the love rollercoaster.


I’ll get you back somehow, somehow.
When life hands you a BAD ROMANCE, pick up your TELEPHONE, call ALEJANDRO and JUST DANCE!
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ziggiefred
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Mon Jul 19, 2010 11:24 pm
ziggiefred says... · Mon Jul 19, 2010 11:24 pm
Hello there :)

I thought I would do the honours. I don't think that there is ever anything to correct in someone else's lyric because whatever you write goes along with the beat of the song, so I'll just comment. I thought that these were as you said before, 'lovey-dovey-gross-icky!'. I loved this, very cute and subtle and sweet. I thought they were written well even though it's about something really common, but then again, love is a never ending story ;)

Good job.
The best is what you make it!

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Lava
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Sun Jul 25, 2010 4:39 pm
Lava says... · Sun Jul 25, 2010 4:39 pm
Hello Kit!

Well, this is pretty sweet, however I'm sure you can do better.

The lyrics are pretty cliched, and I don't mean the theme. The chorus is okay.
Now I miss you, I miss you.

Now I’m stuck on the love rollercoaster

Both the lines start with a 'now' and they clash in my head. Try rephrasing the former line.
Tears are in my eyes as I think about that morning. How could I not realize everything was perfect.
Now you’re gone.
How I wish I could do it all over, how I wish we could start over.
I wouldn’t make the same mistakes again.
I didn't like this bit, to be honest. It seemed forced and something that you put in out of the need to put these thoughts on paper. This is very cliched, including the words/flow used. I would suggest you rephrase this entire stanza.
Also, it's a little short. One more stanza would be better.

Hope to've helped.
~Lava :)
~
Pretending in words was too tentative, too vulnerable, too embarrassing to let anyone know.
- Ian McEwan in Atonement

sachi: influencing others since GOD KNOWS WHEN.

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retrodisco666
Gender Male
Points 189
Reviews 333
Sun Jul 25, 2010 4:42 pm
retrodisco666 says... · Sun Jul 25, 2010 4:42 pm
Hey,

For a lovey dovey piece this is really good.

I had a tune playing in my head whilst reading this so the lyrics aspect really works.

All my nit picks were covered by Lava so I have nothing more to add.

Well done.

~Retro Disco666
'I have loved to the point of madness, which for me is the only true way to love'
~Francoise Sagan
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