The world is deaf; no one can hear anything. We're so busy striving to be heard that we can't listen to anything other than ourselves. We hurry along through life as quickly as we can, rushing to school, running to work, racing back home to refuel and do it again. We hear the wind in our ears, the cars driving past, the footsteps all around us, and the jumble of voices relaying information back and forth, but none of it means anything, as we're too far into our own preoccupied lives to pay attention to these things. Everything is just a white noise, whirling about us, incomprehensible and inapplicable to our lives. We ignore the beat of others' hearts, the melody of others' voices, the tempo of others' footsteps, the way the wind rustles rubato through the trees. We become oblivious to the medley of sounds rushing in and out of our daily lives like a subito serenata in our ungrateful honor.
Hey MitsuSora! Welcome to YWS! (: I hope you enjoy this website, it truly is an amazing writing website, especially for feedback. With that being said, I'm here to give you a review!
Your piece is very short, but brevity can work to an advantage. I can appreciate your story(if that's what you would like to call it) because I too feel the same way about people ignoring natural symphonies. The only thing I recommend is that next time, you write a longer story, that way reviewers can critique you better. Because I honestly don't have much to say about your piece. I can't tell you to add detail because detail would detract from the point. Dialogue and characters wouldn't be good either for the same reason.
This is promising though! I hope to see more of your writing around YWS! Oh, and feel free to PM me if you have any questions(: -SodapopLunchbox
I hope you like the stars I stole for you, One hundred million twinkle lights in neon blue. I'll be the brightest, You'll see!
Ooh, this is great! Like Pop said, it is short, and I do think paragraphing would help to slow it down. The way it seems is that one second you've started, and the next, poof! You're done. Paragraphing would give it a little time first, so the reader can enjoy.
That being said, it was great, really. I liked the concept of it, and your eloquentness is noticeable. And, to double that, there's a passion behind it that not a lot of people can portray, with writing this eloquent.
Overall, great work, but do space it out- the reader wants to savor a piece like this. Think slow burn rather than quick explosion.
hey, Jude, don't make it bad take a sad song and make it better remember to let it into your heart then you can start to make it better.
