The King of None Prologue

First attempt at writing fantasy please give me your honest opinions and critique, especially harsh, is very much appreciated
bElL3
Prologue- Departure


He walked silently along the trail, stepping over the gnarled roots and ducking underneath the overhanging branches

of the trees that fringed treacherously across his path. All was silent there among the twisted ebony trees, but he could

sense the creatures watching him curiously from the safety of the shadows, both in the underbrush and in the tangled

black branches above. He listened to the rhythmic beating of their hearts, and felt the minute vibrations that it caused

as the blood rushed to and from their feet, as well the tremors caused by their every movement.

He closed his eyes as he walked, fully aware of his surroundings, and focused on the constant buzzing of thoughts alien

to his own in his conscience. He could only grin when he sensed the apprehension of the villagers far behind him as they

rushed about the village trying to prepare everything before she arrived. The women were afraid that there would be no

time to prepare the feasts in time for their consumption. Many of the servants hurried to arrange unlit lanterns around

the village and pick bouquets of flowers for the table. All minds were spastic and thoughts were muddled in the

excitement of things. All save one.

His mind was like a beehive, filled to bursting with bees that drummed along throughout the hive, and with each one of

the hundreds of “bees” he shared a close and personal bond where there were no secrets between them, no lies or any

possibility for deception. Sometimes it was all so loud in his own conscience that he could not hear his own thoughts or

musings and he longed for silence, true and absolute silence. However, he knew there would never be a chance of that

prospect ever coming to pass. It was impossible to ignore, impossible to control.

The forest thinned out into nothing, the hard clay soil was replaced by soft sand which blurred his vision uncomfortably.

He opened his eyes and saw a single figure standing alone on the shore beside a sail boat.

Swallowing, he approached the figure and knelt on the ground before him.

For a long while, the only sounds were those of the waves that crashed against the shore, and the cool breeze that
whispered through the forest.

He looked up at the figure standing in front of him to find he was gazing down at him with soft, wistful blue eyes full of
hope and pride that seemed to read into his own eyes of violet, full of self-doubt and pain.

The other turned to face him, and at last, began to speak, ‘My time here is over and done… This night, I leave for the Land of my Fathers, never again to return. I leave behind my legacy to be remembered by my sons and my people. And I bestow upon thee, Heir, my kingdom, the land crafted by our lord, Ashe`, and the right to be its king, to govern our people on a righteous path and to guide our kind into the dawn of a new and glorious era. Do you accept?’

‘I do,’ he half-whispered, his own voice sounding distant to his ears.

The other cleared his throat, ‘Then, son of Zaera, now passed, and of… Ashe`, god of all things shadow… I name you King of Isle Sha Do.’ He placed a silver band over his head and took a step back, ‘May you reign many long and prosperous years.’

He stood to his feet, and it was silent again.

‘I wish to give you my broadswords,’ the other said softly, revealing a black leather sheathe which he pulled out of his cloak, ‘These have been handed down from generation to generation for thousands of years... My father gave them to me when he departed. And while you are not my son by blood you have been my son in every other possible way.’

He accepted the sheathe and whispered, ‘You realize you are the only one I ever have and ever will consider as my father?’

The other was quiet but smiled tearfully, and then climbed into his sailboat.

He watched him sail away and disappear beyond the horizon, and stood where he was until at last his conscience slipped
out of his reach.

Hiya bElL3! SporkPunk here for the review.

So, overall: I thought it was a good idea, but I found it difficult to follow and immerse myself in. Is there a reason why the characters are unnamed? Usually, I tend to like the anonymity in prologues, but for this particular piece, it didn't work for me.

I noticed a few things you might want to take a look at. One, your spacing. Why did you choose to space it that way? For me, it was really awkward trying to read it. I didn't like it much. Single quotation marks aren't used unless you use the double ones first.

"I like cheese," the fat man in the bowler hat wheezed.

Like that. You only use the single ones like this:

"I like 'purple' cheese," the fat man in the bowler hat wheezed.

Other than that, I don't see any major grammar errors. The idea you have is good, and with a bit of tweaking, it could be amazing! Feel free to PM me if you have any questions or would like an expansion on anything.

Hello, bElL3! Firefly here for a review!

First of all, I'd like to congratulate you on making an attempt at writing fantasy. It can be pretty difficult to effectively set up a brave new world in a way your readers would not only understand, but enjoy. And, fantasy happens to be one of my favorite genres, so double kudos!

Secondly, during this process I will be looking for these two elements:

Grammar (punctuation usage, word choice, spelling, etc)
Syntax (does you sentence make any sense)

To make this process easier, everything is color coded!

(Blue words) in parentheses represent comments on anything other than what's listed above
Green words represent comments on syntax
Red words represent changes in grammar usage
Red words that are struck out mean you should remove that word entirely

Now, I suppose I've stalled long enough. On to your review!

He walked silently along the trail, stepping over the gnarled roots and ducking underneath the overhanging branches

(Is there supposed to be this big gap every three lines? It makes for distinguishing between your ideas, or paragraphs, a lot harder. It also makes your chapter look choppy, and is not easy on the eyes. So, for the sake of both this review and my sanity, the gaps will be closed and positioned into how I would assume the paragraphs would assemble for the story)

of the trees (Branches are usually associated with trees, and you mention the word "trees" in the next sentence, so this is removed to avoid unnecessary repetition) that littered his path. All was silent there among the dark, twisting ebony trees of the forest, but he could

sense them creatures (If you're willing to tell your reader about the creatures this early on, then description is needed here. But, if you want to save them for later, then that is the purpose of this suggestion) watching him curiously from the safety of the shadows, both in the underbrush and in the tangled black branches above (Nice elaboration with the branches).

He listened to the rhythmic beating of their hearts (How can he hear their hearts beating from such a great distance? If he has super-hearing, elaborate! Such as: With his superior hearing abilities, he listened to their blah blah blah), and felt the minute vibrations that it caused as the blood rushed to and from their feet, as well (This is sort of out-of-place. Perhaps too elaborated? While elaboration is a very good thing to have, too much can quickly bore the reader and make them lose sight of exactly what it is you're describing. I'm very guilty of this, too ><) the slight tremors caused by their every (What kind of movement? Are they clumsy, or light on their toes? Do they even have toes? A little elaboration here) movements.

He closed his eyes as he walked, fully aware of his surroundings (I might be fully aware of my living room and its furnishings, but I sure can't navigate it safely with my eyes closed. Maybe he stops to listen instead?), and focused on the thoughts buzzing around in his head, thoughts alien to even his own conscience. He could only grin when he sensed the apprehension of the villagers far behind him as they rushed about the village trying to prepare everything before she arrived (Whoa, whoa, whoa! Now he can read minds from far away? And what's more, you're introducing a whole town that this guy's either passed or visited, and the reader has no clue why he did so! And they're getting ready for her. Who is she? Elaboration is needed by the truckload here; explain the significance of the village and this girl they're preparing for). The women were afraid that there would be no time to prepare the feasts in time (Repetition) for their consumption (Who is "they"? Maybe, instead, it could be a feast "in her honor"?). Many of the servants hurried to setup unlit lanterns around the village and arrange a bouquets of flowers (Unnecessary; the word "bouquet" is often associated with flowers) as the centerpiece for the tables. Their minds were spastic, their thoughts were muddled in the excitement of things to come. All, that is, save one.

His mind was like a beehive, filled to bursting with bees that drummed along throughout the hive, and with each one of the hundreds of “bees” he shared a close and personal bond where there were no secrets between them, no lies or any possibility for deception (OK, that really confused me. Are all of his thoughts linked together, or does he really have a hive of talkative bees in his head? I love the metaphor, but I'm not sure what you're trying to say with this. I'd suggest keeping the first sentence, but then moving the focus to how his thoughts are like bees instead of the bees, themselves). Sometimes it was all so loud in his head that he could not hear his own thoughts, or musings and he longed for silence, true and absolute silence. But his thoughts, so much like the bustling bees of a hive, made silence an impossible thing to possess. They were beyond even his control.

The forest thinned out as he reached the shore, the hard clay of the forest floor soil was replaced by soft sand which blurred his vision uncomfortably (Is there a breeze that's blowing sand in his eyes? The reader must be told of such phenomenons! Also, who is this person? Is it the bee-boy, or the first guy? Your transition from characters is very muddled).

He opened his eyes (When did he close them?) and saw a single figure standing alone on the shore beside a sail (Describe the size of the boat: long/short, large/small, decorative/plain, etc) boat. Swallowing (Why is he swallowing? Is he nervous? And what is he swallowing?), he approached the figure and knelt on the ground before him (Why did he kneel?).

For a long while, the only sounds were those of the waves that crashed against the shore and the cool breeze that whispered through the forest.

He looked up at the figure standing in front of him (Whoa, when did this mystery man move?) to find he was gazing down at him with soft, wistful blue eyes brimming with hope and pride. Such eyes seemed to read into his own violet pair, almost as if they could sense thefull of self-doubt and pain. The other turned to face him (I thought they were facing each other?), and at last, began to speak. ‘My time here is over and done. This night, I leave for the Land of my Fathers, never again to return. I leave behind my legacy to be remembered by my sons and my people. And I bestow upon thee, Heir, my kingdom, the land crafted by our lord, Ashe`, and the right to be its king, to govern our people on a righteous path and to guide our kind into the dawn of a new and glorious era. Do you accept?’ (Can you say, "major infodump"? This is WAAY too much information to be given in half a paragraph. Don't dump meaningless information on your readers so soon; they've no idea who "Ashe" is, much less what the "Land of my Fathers" means, or what this whole "legacy" thing is all about. And, a little side note: the passing of a kingdom from one king to the next never happens between two random people on a beach. It happens in a castle, by a king and to a (usually) prince, and is witnessed by hundreds or thousands of people. If it's just these two guys, how will anyone know who is king? Who would believe this random, nameless boy? These are things you have to consider with any genre of fiction--remember, your reader's level of understanding must be your top priority. If they don't know who's who or what's going on, then they won't read any further. More details on location, who these characters are, and a little history (can be done through conversation, but not dumped all at once) would be very much appreciated)

‘I do,’ he half-whispered, his own voice sounding distant to his ears.

The other cleared his throat, ‘Then, son of the late Zaera, now passed, and of Ashe`, god of all things shadow (OK, so what I'm getting is that this guy's the son of a god. Does this make him a half-god? Did his (I'm assuming) mortal mother know? This falls under the category of "infodumping." Please, please work on explaining things through your characters! Through conversation, thoughts, feelings, interactions. All of these are great ways to both show the reader who this guy is and avoid an infodump), I name you King of Isle Sha Do.’ He placed a silver band over his head and took a step back, ‘May you reign many long and prosperous years.’

He stood to his feet, and it was silent again.

‘I wish to give you my broadswords,’ the other (Who are we on now? Some names would help lift this confusion!) said softly, revealing a black leather sheathe which he pulled out of his cloak. ‘These have been handed down from generation to generation for thousands of years. My father gave them to me when he departed. And while you are not my son by blood you have been my son in every other possible way.’

He accepted the sheathe and whispered, ‘You realize you are the only one I ever have and ever will considered as my father?’

The other was quiet but smiled tearfully, and then climbed into his sailboat. (I'm sorry, but I'm just not feeling the emotion here. I know nothing about either character--what they look like, their views and thoughts on things, their history. Elaboration and showing through your character via feelings/thoughts/actions will help with this)

He watched him sail away and disappear beyond the horizon, and stood where he was until at last his conscience slipped out of his reach (Tell me, how does one's conscience slip out of their reach?).

I felt nothing for either of your characters. How could I, when there wasn't enough known about them to feel anything for them! This lack of information really turned me off from the story, because I couldn't emotionally attach myself to anyone. To help with this, you should describe your characters: what they look like, what they're thinking, how they feel about a certain thing, etc. Do this, and your story will go up dramatically in personalization points.

Overall, I feel that this story has potential. It's a bit muddled right now, and there are certain areas that just don't flow very well (for instance, the continuity of the beehive metaphor). What it's about, exactly, remains a blur, but I have faith that you'll clear this up and make me eat all of my words from tonight!

I'll keep an eager eye on your story. Keep writing!
~Firefly