The War of the Sun

Chapter One
Shadow People

Alex shut her diary and slid in under her pillow. She then laid back on her pillow and sighed. So many problems, so many things to do, and not enough time! Her little brother, Jack, wasn't helping her out either. He was always pushing and shoving; lying and cheating; getting into her things… That was what she hate the most. It was driving her insane.
It was late, around dinner time, on the 23 of September, 2009. Alex's parents had been hard at work preparing for school and getting their classrooms ready. Alex walked down to the kitchen and was surprised to see Kade Griffin, one of her three friends, sitting there at the table.
"Why are you here?" Alex asked slowly. She shifted ever so slightly. She already knew what the answer was.
"I ran here. No one was at home." He said. Alex saw a bead of sweat on his forehead.
"What? You ran here?" Alex said to Kade.
"I had to! I-I couldn't stand being alone." He stuttered. "I hope it's okay." Alex nodded.
"It's fine. I just don't understand why you didn't go to Charlotte's." Alex said while sitting down at the kitchen island. Kade sat down beside her.
"I did go to Charlotte's, but she wasn't there. So I went to Ryan's but I could hear his dad yelling. So I came here instead." Kade said sheepishly. Alex jumped up.
"Ryan is being beat?" Alex yelled. Kade looked at her.
"I knew you would act like this, Alex," He said. Alex ran to the coat rack and tossed him a coat. Alex then put one on herself. " Alex, really." He said as Alex walked towards the door. Alex stepped outside and began to run. A block or two away Kade caught up with her and jogged steadily as she ran her heart out.
That's what you get for staying home and reading while he's out playing some sport, she thought to herself.
By the time they reached Ryan James's house Alex was about to die. She dragged herself up the porch steps, with Kade trailing behind her, and past the beer bottles and cigarette butts. Without knocking or ringing a doorbell she went inside and was greeted with the delicious smell of Ryan's cooking. Luckily, Ryan's dad had fled the house. Alex opened the door to the kitchen to see Charlotte standing by the table with her coat in hand. Ryan was slaving over a hot stove.
"Bye Ryan." She said while turning around. "Oh! Hey Alex, Kade!" She slipped her coat on over her dress. Reapplied her bright red lipstick and shook her blond curls. Then, she smiled. Alex had to smile, too. Charlotte was the more theatrical person of the gang. Ryan didn't turn.
"Hey." He said over his shoulder.
Kade's phone began to ring. Slowly he picked it up. They all knew who it was, his parent's agent.
" Hello." He said. He was silent for a while. " Yeah. I'll be there." He hung up. "I have to go. My parent's agent wants me to serve food for my parent's meeting." We all nodded.
Kade's parents are owners of Griffin Industries. They always seem to be away on some business trip. That doesn't help with his autophobia. Years ago Kade started going out for sports so he wouldn't be alone if we weren't around.
Kade just stared at them waiting to say something, anything. That was fine; they had awkward moments all of the time.
"Umm... I'll walk you home. I was just leaving any way." Charlotte smiled again. They walked out of the kitchen.
"Bye!" Alex called.
"See you later." Ryan called over his shoulder. He pulled out a glass 9x13 pan filled with four glass bowls.
"What are you cooking now?" Alex asked while sitting down.
"Creme Brulee." He said while turning around and putting it on the table. He kept his head down as if hiding something.
"What's wrong with your face?" She asked. Ryan paused then handed her a bowl.
"Careful. It's hot." He said while ignoring her.
"Ryan. What happened? What did your father do?" He looked up. A long infected gash ran across his face. "Ryan!" Alex yelled. She jumped up.
"Dad was drunk again." He said. Alex stepped over to him and grabbed a chair.

Hi *waves* ,

Alex shut her diary and slid in under her pillow. She then laid back on her pillow and sighed. So many problems, so many things to do, and not enough time! Her little brother, Jack, wasn't helping her out either. He was always pushing and shoving; lying and cheating; getting into her things… That was what she hate the most. It was driving her insane.

Instead of just saying that Jack lies and cheats how about a scene where he does so.

Alright a lot of this was a bit jumbled up. I had to stop and read over what you had written again to understand what you mean. The conversations between the characters seem quite mechanical. Your dialogue needs some tweaking.

I liked the story but it was hard to truly enjoy it between the cluttered paragraphs and the dialogue. I like the originality of the characters and the flaws, and adversities that they had to go through like Ryan and his alcoholic dad. I felt like there could have been a bit more description.

Keep Writing, Anger.

Hiya, TheWriters! First of all, great title -- an excellent way to lure readers in! First of all, I'll just go along and correct some technical things in red.

TheWriters wrote: Alex shut her diary and slid in under her pillow. She then lay back on her pillow and sighed. So many problems, so many things to do, and not enough time! Her little brother, Jack, wasn't helping her out either. He was always pushing and shoving; lying and cheating; getting into her things… That was what she hated the most. It was driving her insane.
It was late, around dinnertime, on the 23rd of September, 2009. Alex's parents had been hard at work preparing for school and getting their classrooms ready. She walked down to the kitchen and was surprised to see Kade Griffin, one of her threefriends, sitting there at the table.
"Why are you here?" Alex asked slowly. She shifted ever so slightly. She already knew what the answer was.
"I ran here. No one was at home," he said. Alex saw a bead of sweat on his forehead.
"What? You ran here?" Alex said to Kade. (This is implied.)
"I had to! I-I couldn't stand being alone," he stuttered. "I hope it's okay."
Alex nodded."It's fine. I just don't understand why you didn't go to Charlotte's," she said while sitting down at the kitchen island. (Huh? What's a kitchen island?)
Kade sat down beside her. "I did go to Charlotte's, but she wasn't there. So I went to Ryan's but I could hear his dad yelling. So I came here instead," Kadesaid sheepishly.
Alex jumped up. "Ryan is being beaten?" she yelled.
Kade looked at her."I knew you would act like this, Alex," he said. Alex ran to the coat rack and tossed him a jacket. Alex then put one on herself.
"Alex, really," he said as Alex walked towards the door. Alex stepped outside and began to run. A block or two away Kade caught up with her and jogged steadily as she ran her heart out.
That's what you get for staying home and reading while he's out playing some sport, she thought to herself. (Huh? What are you talking about here?)
By the time they reached Ryan James's house Alex was about to die. She dragged herself up the porch steps, with Kade trailing behind her, and past the beer bottles and cigarette butts. Without knocking or ringing a doorbell she went inside and was greeted by the delicious smell of Ryan's cooking. Luckily, Ryan's dad had fled the house. Alex opened the door to the kitchen to see Charlotte standing by the table with her coat in hand. Ryan was slaving over a hot stove.
"Bye Ryan," she said while turning around. "Oh! Hey Alex, Kade!" She slipped her coat on over her dress, reapplied her bright red lipstick and shook her blond curls. Then, she smiled. Alex had to smile, too. Charlotte was the more theatrical person of the gang. Ryan didn't turn.
"Hey," he said over his shoulder.
Kade's phone began to ring. Slowly he picked it up. They all knew who it was: his parents' agent.
"Hello." He said. He was silent for a while. " Yeah. I'll be there." He hung up. "I have to go. My parents'agent wants me to serve food for their meeting." We all nodded.
Kade's parents are owners of Griffin Industries. They always seem to be away on some business trip. That doesn't help with his autophobia. Years ago Kade started going out for sports so he wouldn't be alone if we weren't around.
Kade just stared at them waiting to say something, anything. That was fine; they had awkward moments all ofthe time.
"Umm... I'll walk you home. I was just leaving any way." Charlotte smiled again. They walked out of the kitchen.
"Bye!" Alex called.
"See you later," Ryan called over his shoulder. He pulled out a glass 9x13 pan filled with four glass bowls.
"What are you cooking now?" Alex asked while sitting down.
"Creme Brulee," he said while turning around and putting it on the table. He kept his head down as if hiding something.
"What's wrong with your face?" she asked. Ryan paused, then handed her a bowl.
"Careful. It's hot," he said, ignoring her.
"Ryan. What happened? What did your father do?" He looked up. A long infected gash ran across his face. "Ryan!" Alex yelled. She jumped up.
"Dad was drunk again," he said. Alex stepped over to him and grabbed a chair.

I just love the characters in this story. I don't think I've ever read a story about an autophobe before! A clever idea. The dialogue throughout the story was fresh and realistic, though I think you might need a little refresher when it comes to the punctuation of quotation marks. For one, you never end a quotation with a period. Replace that final period with a comma. However, if the quote ends with an exclamation point or a question mark, you can leave it be. Also, the following speech tag is not a complete sentence in and of itself; it is merely an elaboration of the quote. Thus, you don't need to capitalize the first letter of the speech tag. Here's an example, to clear things up ...

Incorrect:

"Look." He said.

Correct:

"Look," he said.
"Look!" he said
"'Look?'" he said.

If you don't understand, click here. --> http://www.grammarbook.com/punctuation/quotes.asp

Also, feel free to use pronouns! Alex, Alex, Alex. When you're consistently talking about Alex, it is implied that you will be talking about Alex! It can get a bit annoying. Try replacing "Alex" with "she" about half the times you mention her in a paragraph.

In all, a very interesting story. I am enthusiastic to read more! Excellent work!

P.S. The Young Writers' Society website formatting does not accept indents unless you use the appropriate HTML tags, right? Just hit enter twice between every paragraph, and your story(ies) will be much easier to read. Thanks!