She's such a Drama Queen Chapter 1

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Chapter 1
Humiliation

The unfriendly eyes of half the student body stared up at me from the aisle seats down below; I couldn't believe that I was standing on the stage about to deliver a speech, about stereotypes, talk about flipping awkward!

I mean, I’m not the confident type of girl. I’m shy…really shy… and if it were up to me I’d be sitting in the corner wearing a hood and acting invisible, but obviously Ms Eastwood my drama teacher had a whole different idea for me. She was the one who grabbed my arm and pulled me on stage with a piece of paper,
“Read this out,” she told me, I couldn't disagree unless I wanted a giant fat red F on my report, in English! I was sure I was screwed. The stage was a death trap, huge and way above the students who were smirking up at me waiting for me to open my mouth and say the words but I couldn't.

I stared at my two best friends helplessly, Derrick and Vanessa. If I had to be completely honest I didn’t know how the two of them ended up being my friends. Both of them were way into the teenage society, on top of the school cycle. They were Popular in their own way. Vanessa had natural good looks and dark hair that ran down to her waist in long cute curls, her clear tanned skin and bright green intelligent eyes. She was curvy and tall for sixteen, which meant she was popular among most guys. Derrick was just…the most amazing friend I could ever ask for. He was a rebel, black dyed hair that ran down to his chin in sleek layers and ended in a small tiny flick, his bright blue eyes were always dazed and thoughtful, he was never in the zone and of course that’s what a real bass player of a rock band would look like.

Vanessa nudged Derrick, who was slumped on his red chair gazing up at the ceiling. Even in the dim light I could see the earphones snaking up the neck of his red shirt collar. He sat up and gave me a huge wave.
I sighed, but from the corner of my eye I could see April, the cow.

April was just the most popular and prettiest girl in school, it was such a pity that brains couldn’t make up for looks because if she had a brain, I would say she’d be the smartest girl in school too but apparently nature didn’t work that way. She was tall, like super model tall with long blond hair and smoky bright eyes surrounded by black eye shadow and light, perfectly blended in foundation. She was standing beside Ms. Eastwood her hands on her hips showing off her manicured pink nails. She was wearing black skinny jeans and a red low top. She smirked at me but from the audience she probably looked like some demented angel, kind and what not. In my entire life I knew one thing…she was a witch! And a cow! A boyfriend stealer and a…S.L.U.T but nobody liked to refer to her that way; she was just “special”. Yeah, special my ass.

“Michelle?” asked Ms. Eastwood looking worried, she stepped away from the microphone and the lights shone on me as I slowly stumbled towards it, somebody snickered in the audience and I felt my palms turn sweaty, I shoved my hands in the pocket of my red hoodie and took out a piece of paper, I forgot every single word on that sheet even though I spent all week trying to learn it.

“Today…” I gasped, pulling the microphone up, my heart was beating loudly in my chest, getting stronger and stronger with each second “I am going to talk about…stereotypes.”

“Finally,” someone muttered from the front row.

“Kyle!” hissed Ms. Eastwood glaring at the offender, who was a blond guy wearing a tracksuit, he waved a hand dismissively and continued to gaze at me, I felt myself flush.

“Toodayyyy…” someone hooted from the back row and several people snickered, I saw April stifle a giggle.
Derrick’s hands rolled into fists.

I felt myself flushing even more; heat was creeping up my cheeks. Who was I kidding? Unlike Vanessa and April I was ugly. I had plain skin, too pale even though I tried to tan myself up a bit, my brown eyes were probably cute but nobody looked at eyes, ever. My hair was dark brown and hung down to my shoulders stiffly, unable to curl or even straighten. Wavy and frizzy. Whoop. I was a looker. As if to add to my misery I had no fashion sense at all…I usually wore jeans and a plain t-shirt or a hoodie, with the hood pulled up.

“Stereotypes,” I said again clearing my throat, I tried to conjure up an image that Vanessa always told me to do, imagine everyone in their underwear, I squinted at everyone but then shook my head and gazed down at the sheets, “We see them everywhere. Black hair, pale skin…rocker. Smart and wearing glasses, nerd. Interests in star wars or star trek, you’re instantly labeled as Geek. Blond, tall, blue eyes…named as the perfection of society. Drug addicts…usually black haired rockers. Red haired and blue eyed, Irish. I mean we see it everywhere. Literally.”

I looked down at the sheet and frowned, the rest of the speech made no sense so I put it back in my pockets, feeling nervous, “Well maybe it’s about time we get rid of labels, how great will it be if we were judged on our personalities?” I asked, feeling like some president making an emotional speech, I didn’t even know where the sudden confidence came from I could see some people in the audience straighten up in interest and that made me feel braver, “How great would we all feel if let’s say…people got rid of their masks and be who they’re born to be. I mean let’s ask ourselves this…why we are born. What is the meaning of life? Are we born to have fun? Or are we born to reproduce and make a new generation of people? Are we born to be who we are and live life to its full potentials, make a difference and inspire future generations to do the same?”

“Michelle,” hissed Ms. Eastwood, “Read the paper.”

“No,” I heard April protest, looking amused, “Let her keep going.”

That did it, I turned on her, “So let me make an example,” I glared at her, “Let us look at April!”

“Oh God!” muttered someone from the front.

“Blond and stupid. Fake and a liar? She’s the one that makes life miserable for people living behind a mask of a skank…”

“You just hate me because I’m prettier then you,” laughed April, she didn’t even need a microphone she made her voice loud so everyone could hear. Someone laughed.

“Well if being pretty means being stupid then I’d rather stay ugly and smart,” I put in and someone gave a loud whoop.

“Well you must have a big brain then,” said April and smirked, “I’m sorry Michelle but you have no idea what you’re on about.”

“I forgot to mention,” I said heatedly and glared at her holding the microphone even tighter in my hand, “Blond and stupid…that’s a true stereotype for some of us.”

April laughed, “Give me a break.”

I turned back to the audience strong with my determination to prove her wrong, “Ever since we became teenagers all of us were haunted with one thought…how to fit in? What to do to fit in? And the answer is simple. Be. Yourself. But is it possible when we have skanks like April out there? No! It’s people like her that judge us. Put us down and make us look stupid just to make themselves seem better, but the thing us…all of us have to put our foot down.”

“Oh hell…she’s starting a rebellion,” said April loudly, the audience burst out laughing and my face turned bright red.

“We have to stop minding those judgmental looks, those cruel words and look within ourselves being a teenager shouldn’t be some stupid race to fit in, a race to reach popularity when it could be about having fun and being ourselves,” I continued ripping the microphone from the stand and moving forward, “For it’s in our hearts that we can see who we really are and if even in your heart you’re cold and heartless and ugly and…”

“Weird?” asked April smirking even more.

“In your case weird would be a compliment,” I hissed glancing at her.

“Oh…that hurts so much…” mocked April putting her hand to her heart as if offended, “Hear hear the words of an ugly lunatic…”

“Now April…” protested Ms. Eastwood looking alarmed.

“You fat…” I was raving like mad, moving closer to her with my finger raised, I didn’t even know what I was planning to do…poke her to death? But I was sick of her pushing me around like that. My foot moved closer and closer to the edge, “Heartless piece of…Shit!” At the last word my foot slipped over the edge and I found myself stumbling back and then before I knew it…the floor rushed towards my face and I was lying on the ground.

There was the sound of laughter and jeers, everyone was applauding and tears rushed down my face but I didn’t dare to look up. I wanted to turn invisible…I wanted to sink down into the floor and never come out.

A different sound caught my ears, it was the sound of footsteps and someone whispered in my ear, “Are you alright?”

My heart fluttered at his voice...it wasn’t him...was it? I really hoped it wasn’t. I shook my head and then looked up, his emerald eyes was the first feature that I saw and then his hand extended towards me waiting for me to take it. I felt myself blush even harder, the heat creeping up my face.

I shook my head again; he rolled his eyes and took my hand.
Last edited by Al3xx on Mon Jul 19, 2010 8:51 pm, edited 2 times in total.
"We love the ones that ignore us
But ignore the ones that love us"

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Hey Alex! :D

I feel sorry for Michelle! She's waaaaay too focused on looks. I mean, at a time where she should probably be worried about giving the speech, she's looking at everyone and judging them based on their looks! She's quite a hypocrite and very insecure... it'll be interesting how she learns this about herself!

As far as April, I kind of feel sorry for her. The fact that she'll say anything to Michelle implies that there is more to her than Michelle thinks... I'm not sure whether we should hate her or like her, but I think she has an interesting story. I think she's smarter than she looks and, given how popular she is, she probably is horrifically disillusioned with the universe. So she'll definitely be interesting to see.

Not sure about the guy who helps Michelle... I think he's supposed to be the love interest (otherwise, he wouldn't be described with emerald eyes) but yeah. I hope he isn't going to turn into the Perfect Boyfriend at first and instead gives Michelle a well-needed reality check. xD
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This was pretty good. I liked this a lot. You had some run-on sentences in there, but overall your grammar was neat.

I mean, I’m not the confident type of girl, I’m shy…really shy...and if it were up to me I’d be sitting in the corner wearing a hood and acting invisible, but obviously Ms Eastwood my drama teacher had a whole different idea for me. She was the one that grabbed my arm and pulled me on stage with a piece of paper. It'd be a good idea to start a new paragraph here, since you're starting with dialogue.“Read this out,” she told me. I couldn't disagree not if (did you mean 'unless?')I wanted a giant fat red F on my report, in English! I was sure I was screwed, the stage was a death trap, huge and way above the students who were smirking up at me waiting for me to open my mouth and say the words but I couldn't.


This was a bit of a rough paragraph, I thought. Your sentences went smashing headlong into each other...okay, maybe that's an exaggeration. But run-ons there were.

I stared at my two best friends helplessly, Derrick and Vanessa. If I had to be completely honest I didn’t know how the two of them ended up being my friends. Both of them were way into the teenage society, on top of the school cycle. Popular in their own way. Vanessa with her natural good looks and dark hair that ran down to her waist in long cute curls, her clear tanned skin and bright green intelligent eyes. She was curvy and tall for sixteen, which meant she was popular among most guys. Derrick was just…the most amazing friend I could ever ask for. He was a rebel, black dyed hair that ran down to his chin in sleek layers and ended in a small tiny flick, his bright blue eyes were always dazed and thoughtful, he was never in the zone and of course that’s what a real bass player of a rock band would look like.


I like how you seize the opportunity to introduce her friends. It is, however, a lot of description. It draws the reader away from the rest of the story, though it is very informative and I didn't find myself getting too lost in it. You write detail very well. But try and keep the focus on the main action.

Vanessa nudged Derrick, who was slumped on his red chair gazing up at the ceiling. Even in the dim light I could see the earphones snaking up the neck of his red shirt collar.


April was just the most popular and prettiest girl in school, it was such a pity that brains couldn’t make up for looks because if she had a brain, I would say she’d be the smartest girl in school too but apparently nature didn’t work that way.


This sentence is a little confusing. I understand that you were trying to say she wasn't as smart as she was pretty, but it was hard to get the exact wording. Maybe try and simplify it. Also, April didn't come off that dumb to me later on...

I felt myself flushing. Who was I kidding? Unlike Vanessa and April, I was ugly. I had plain skin, too pale even though I tried to tan myself up a bit; my brown eyes were probably cute but nobody looked at eyes, ever.


So you do need to go through and smooth out some sentences, add some punctuation, but this is still good. It's a funny idea! I look forward to reading more. Great use of dialogue, too. Write on.




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Hey there!
Ooo, I like it. XD
I love the dialogue, although It's kind of weird. You described her in the first paragraph as a really shy girl. It seemed a bit of unrealistic that she stood up to, like, the half of the student body. Since she's a really shy girl, she wouldn't have been brave enough to say to everyone what she really thought.

I mean, I’m not the confident type of girl. I’m shy…really shy and if it were up to me I’d be sitting in the corner wearing a hood and acting invisible. But obviously, Ms Eastwood, my drama teacher, had a whole different idea for me. She was the one that (who) grabbed my arm and pulled me up on stage with a piece of paper.


Then, I think you start a new paragraph. XD

I was sure I was screwed. The stage was a death trap, huge and way above the students who were smirking up at me, waiting for me to open my mouth and say the words but I couldn't.


As if to add to my misery, I had no fashion sense at all. I usually wore jeans and a plain t-shirt or a hoodie, with the hood pulled up.




I liked how you introduced your characters. Good job in introducing them!
I also like your idea.
I wonder how things will work out for Michelle. I'm psyched!
Can't wait for your other posts. XD

-KAT <3
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You seem to be doing a better job here than in the prologue! You have a lot of narrative interwoven with the dialogue, which itself is great. My thoughts reading this, though, is that I don't feel Michelle's pain very well. You're doing a lot of telling by just having Michelle talk about her situations. She's giving a speech in front of a lot of people, she hates that she looks so plain compared to her friends, etc. Instead of saying those things, SHOW them. Have Michelle describe the crowd and say they're there to listen to her speech. Maybe have someone in the front row stare at her, which makes her nervous. Stuff like that makes the story easier to feel for the reader.




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Yay, chapter one! Okay, I will give this a full review, just not right now. I'm not even allowed to be on my computer right now. When I get back from cleaning and going out to eat, I will review this fully. Thanks, bye!

Loveless~

P.S: Does anyone have an idea what 'P.S' means?
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I agree that this chapter is done better than the prologue was.

She was the one who grabbed my arm and pulled me on stage with a piece of paper,
“Read this out,” she told me, I couldn't disagree unless I wanted a giant fat red F on my report, in English!


Okay, a teacher is not allowed to forcre you to do something like that. Even if you had said you would do it and then chickened out they aren't allowed to. They would try to coax you into it and if that didn't work they'd move onto someone else.

I stared at my two best friends helplessly, Derrick and Vanessa. If I had to be completely honest I didn’t know how the two of them ended up being my friends.


This shoud be changed to something like-I stared at my two best friends helplessly. If I had to be completely honest, I didn't know how Derrick and Venessa ended up being my friends

By saying-I stared at my two best friends helplessly, Derrick and Venessa- it makes the sentence awkward. Derrick and Venessa are the two friends, and yet you put that after helplessly.

Vanessa had natural good looks and dark hair that ran down to her waist in long cute curls, her clear tanned skin and bright green intelligent eyes. She was curvy and tall for sixteen, which meant she was popular among most guys. Derrick was just…the most amazing friend I could ever ask for. He was a rebel, black dyed hair that ran down to his chin in sleek layers and ended in a small tiny flick, his bright blue eyes were always dazed and thoughtful, he was never in the zone and of course that’s what a real bass player of a rock band would look like.


I like the way that you describe her friends. You can kind of tell that the wo are pretty different just by their appearance.

April was just the most popular and prettiest girl in school, it was such a pity that brains couldn’t make up for looks


When brains make up for looks it means that they aren't good looking but they are smart. So it doesn't make sense that you say she's beautiful and then say that.



This is really good Alex. I'm sorry that I picked it apart. I do hope that you will continue to write this.




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The unfriendly eyes of half the student body stared up at me from the aisle seats down below; I couldn't believe that I was standing on the stage about to deliver a speech, about stereotypes, talk about flipping awkward!

I mean, I’m not the confident type of girl. I’m shy…really shy… and if it were up to me I’d be sitting in the corner wearing a hood and acting invisible, but obviously Ms. Eastwood, my drama teacher, had a whole different idea for me. She was the one who grabbed my arm and pulled me on stage with a piece of paper,
“Read this out,” she told me. I couldn't disagree unless I wanted a giant, fat, red F on my report, in English! I was sure I was screwed. The stage was a death trap, huge and way above the students who were smirking up at me, waiting for me to open my mouth and say the words, but I couldn't.

I stared at my two best friends helplessly, Derrick and Vanessa. If I had to be completely honest, I didn’t know how the two of them ended up being my friends. Instead of "If I had to be completely honest", I think it would look better if the "If I had" part was taken out. When you say "If I had to be" one expects some sort of, well, confession of saying to follow. Oh my, even I have no idea what I'm saying. Sorry, I'm confusing. Example: 'If I had to be completely honest, I'd say that I did'nt know how the two of them ended up being my friends anyway.' Do you get what I mean now? Both of them were way into the teenage society, on top of the school cycle. They were Popular Why is popular capitalized? in their own way. Vanessa had natural good looks and dark hair that ran down to her waist in long cute curls, her clear tanned skin, and bright green intelligent eyes. She was curvy and tall for sixteen, which meant she was popular among most guys. Derrick was just…the most amazing friend I could ever ask for. He was a rebel, black dyed hair that ran down to his chin in sleek layers and ended in a small tiny flick, his bright blue eyes were always dazed and thoughtful, he was never in the zone and of course that’s what a real bass player of a rock band would look like.

Vanessa nudged Derrick, who was slumped on his red chair gazing up at the ceiling. Even in the dim light, I could see the earphones snaking up the neck of his red shirt collar. He sat up I thought he was already sitting. Why would he sit up if he wanted you to see him waving? and gave me a huge wave.
I sighed, but from the corner of my eye I could see April, the cow.

April was just the most popular and prettiest girl in school, it was such a pity that brains couldn’t make up for looks because if she had a brain, I would say she’d be the smartest girl in school too, but apparently nature didn’t work that way. She was tall, like super model tall with long blond hair and smoky bright eyes surrounded by black eye shadow and light, perfectly blended in foundation. She was standing beside Ms. Eastwood, her hands on her hips showing off her manicured pink nails. She was wearing black skinny jeans and a red low top. She smirked at me but, from the audience, she probably looked like some demented angel, kind and what not. In my entire life I knew one thing…she was a witch! And a cow! A boyfriend stealer and a…S.L.U.T but nobody liked to refer to her that way; she was just “special”. Yeah, special my ass.

“Michelle,” asked Ms. Eastwood looking worried, she stepped away from the microphone and the lights shone on me as I slowly stumbled towards it, somebody snickered in the audience and I felt my palms turn sweaty, I shoved my hands in the pocket of my red hoodie and took out a piece of paper, I forgot every single word on that sheet even though I spent all week trying to learn it. This paragraph is just basically one big sentence. Try breaking it down a bit.

“Today…,” I gasped, pulling the microphone up, my heart was beating loudly in my chest, getting stronger and stronger with each second, “I am going to talk about…stereotypes.”

“Finally,” someone muttered from the front row.

“Kyle!” hissed Ms. Eastwood glaring at the offender, who was a blond guy wearing a tracksuit, he waved a hand dismissively and continued to gaze at me, I felt myself flush.

“Toodayyyy…,” someone hooted from the back row and several people snickered, I saw April stifle a giggle.
Derrick’s hands rolled into fists.

I felt myself flushing even more; heat was creeping up my cheeks. Who was I kidding? Unlike Vanessa and April, I was ugly. I had plain skin, too pale even though I tried to tan myself up a bit, my brown eyes were probably cute but nobody looked at eyes, This would be the perfect time to add ellipses, but you choose now to put a comma? Sigh...ever. My hair was dark brown and hung down to my shoulders stiffly, unable to curl or even straighten. Wavy and frizzy. Whoop. I was a looker. As if to add to my misery, I had no fashion sense at all…I usually wore jeans and a plain t-shirt or a hoodie, with the hood pulled up.

“Stereotypes,” I said again clearing my throat. I tried to conjure up an image that Vanessa always told me to do, imagine everyone in their underwear. I squinted at everyone but then shook my head and gazed down at the sheets. “We see them everywhere. Black hair, pale skin…rocker. Smart and wearing glasses, nerd. Interests in star wars or star trek, you’re instantly labeled as Geek. Blond, tall, blue eyes…named as the perfection of society. Drug addicts…usually black haired rockers. You stereotyped "black-haired rockers" twice. Red haired and blue eyed, Irish. I mean we see it everywhere. Literally.”

I looked down at the sheet and frowned, the rest of the speech made no sense so I put it back in my pockets, feeling nervous. “Well maybe it’s about time we get rid of labels, how great will it be if we were judged on our personalities?” I asked, feeling like some president making an emotional speech, I didn’t even know where the sudden confidence came from I could see some people in the audience straighten up in interest and that made me feel braver. “How great would we all feel if let’s say…people got rid of their masks and be who they’re born to be. I mean let’s ask ourselves this…why we are born. Change that period to a comma, you're asking a question. What is the meaning of life? Are we born to have fun? Or are we born to reproduce and make a new generation of people? Are we born to be who we are and live life to its full potentials, make a difference and inspire future generations to do the same?”

“Michelle,” hissed Ms. Eastwood, “Read the paper.” If you want the "Read the paper..." part of the sentence to be a single sentence, change the comma to a period. If not, lower case the 'R' on read.
“No,” I heard April protest, looking amused, “Let her keep going.” Same rule here as above.

That did it, I turned on her. “So let me make an example,” I glared at her, “Let us look at April!” Ah-hem. Same as above the above...yeah, that makes sense.

“Oh God!” muttered someone from the front.

“Blond and stupid. Fake and a liar? She’s the one that makes life miserable for people living behind a mask of a skank…”

“You just hate me because I’m prettier then you,” laughed April, she didn’t even need a microphone she made her voice loud so everyone could hear. Someone laughed.

“Well, if being pretty means being stupid then I’d rather stay ugly and smart, And some type of punctuation mark.” I put in and someone gave a loud whoop.

“Well you must have a big brain then,” said April and smirked. “I’m sorry Michelle, but you have no idea what you’re on about.”

“I forgot to mention,” I said heatedly and glared at her holding the microphone even tighter in my hand, “blond and stupid…that’s a true stereotype for some of us.”

April laughed. “Give me a break.”

I turned back to the audience strong with my determination to prove her wrong. “Ever since we became teenagers all of us were haunted with one thought…how to fit in? What to do to fit in? And the answer is simple. Be. Yourself. But, is it possible when we have skanks like April out there? No! It’s people like her that judge us. Put us down and make us look stupid just to make themselves seem better, but the thing us…all of us have to put our foot down.”

“Oh hell…she’s starting a rebellion,” said April loudly, the audience burst out laughing and my face turned bright red.

“We have to stop minding those judgmental looks, those cruel words and look within ourselves Start a new sentence here. being a teenager shouldn’t be some stupid race to fit in, a race to reach popularity when it could be about having fun and being ourselves,” I continued, ripping the microphone from the stand and moving forward. “For it’s in our hearts that we can see who we really are, and if even in your heart you’re cold and heartless and ugly and…”

“Weird,” asked April smirking even more.

“In your case weird would be a compliment,” I hissed glancing at her.

“Oh…that hurts so much…” mocked April putting her hand to her heart as if offended. “Hear hear the words of an ugly lunatic…”

“Now April…” protested Ms. Eastwood looking alarmed.

“You fat…” I was raving like mad, moving closer to her with my finger raised. I didn’t even know what I was planning to do…poke her to death? Ha ha, that make me laugh. But I was sick of her pushing me around like that. My foot moved closer and closer to the edge. “Heartless piece of…Shit!” At the last word my foot slipped over the edge and I found myself stumbling back and then before I knew it…the floor rushed towards my face and I was lying on the ground. That made me laugh even more.

There was the sound of laughter and jeers, everyone was applauding and tears rushed down my face but I didn’t dare to look up. I wanted to turn invisible…I wanted to sink down into the floor and never come out.

A different sound caught my ears, it was the sound of footsteps and someone whispered in my ear, “Are you alright?”

My heart fluttered at his voice...it wasn’t him...was it? I really hoped it wasn’t. I shook my head and then looked up, his emerald eyes was the first feature that I saw and then his hand extended towards me, waiting for me to take it. I felt myself blush even harder, the heat creeping up my face.

I shook my head again; he rolled his eyes and took my hand.



You went comma crazy with this story. Ha ha, but I really liked this. It seems to be going somewhere good. I'm already shaking to read and review the next part. See you later, darling!

Loveless~

P.S. The red corrections are a bit hard to spot, but, I swear, they're there!
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Fact - You are a great writer
I see a lot of improvment from the prologue! I love the way your words come together, they don't sound akward or out of place. They blend, and blending is good.
I find most people worry to much about having a finished peice of work after there first draft and trust me, it doesnt work that way so don't concentrate on everything working the first time around.
I want to know what Michelle is feeling, is she getting stronger with each word that comes out of her mouth when she is addressing the sterotypes. And where is the teacher in all this?? When I was at school the teachers would never let there be a outbreak like that. I think once I tried to talk to this girl about a picture she drew me and the teacher sent me out for a walk because i was getting to angry. So try to be a wee bit more realistic about it.
Other then those few things I really really like it! I am going to keep reading so you'll probably here from me again!
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