How it Ends

She's gone. Maggie is really gone. Fingers to my temples, I sink to the floor.

A distant voice that might be a nurse asks if I'm okay. I can't answer that; I'm elsewhere. Remembering.

Maggie laughs as I chase her around the park at night. When I catch her, I wrap my arms around her waist and kiss her, my hands in her perfect red hair. She kisses back, lips soft and warm against mine. She'll be right back.

As she walks away, I watch her. I always watch her. When she doesn't know I watch her, I do. Not as a stalker, I could never think of myself like that. Sometimes though, at night, I climb up the fire escape and watch her sleep through her window. At work I also watch her, keeping my distance but there nonetheless.

As Maggie is walking towards the restrooms, me ever watching, a man runs up and tries to grab her purse. She yanks it back and tries to yell for help. I immediately run to her, anger towards the man blurring my vision. He lunges into her, fist clenched. Maggie is suddenly silent, eyes bugged out. The man grabs her purse and runs from her. Realization dawns on me when his fist leaves her stomach holding a discolored blade, glinting ominously in the dim moonlight. I drop beside Maggie, screaming for someone to help. Me crying. Me holding her, her blood staining my shirt.

Now I'm here. My precious Maggie is gone. She's really gone.

"Sir, we've called the police. You can tell them about the man who killed her, okay?" No. No, I can't. This nurse thinks I could talk about Maggie at a time like this? My fist shoots out and snaps the bitch's head to the side, blood streaming from her nose.

Shocked at what I've done, I bolt from the hospital, running through the city until I find a store of use to me. After take the gun and run, I go back to the park. A man is sitting by the corner, a jar for donations next to him. It's one of his people that killed Maggie - poor. I raise the gun and point it at the man when something hits the back of my head. Hard. Too hard to bear...

Later I wake in an unfamiliar car, metal bands around my wrists. "What are these?" I moan. "I can't move my hands..." The man driving looks a bit surprised, but smiles soothingly.

"They're to help you. I'm taking you to a wonderful place with people who can help you." People can help me? That's great news!

"Thank you sir!" I say with a smile. He smiles back, but behind the smile he looks uneasy and a bit sad. I'm imagining everything but the smile. This man is wonderful.
-
Six years later
-
Screaming, I bang on the side of the closed, cushioned wall. Sobs take over, and I slam myself face down. After all this time...I can't take it. Any of it. Nothing makes sense, nothing feels right... For some time now, I've been thinking about changing that the only way I can.

I rip a strip of cloth from my shirt and tie it around my neck. Tighter, until it's impossible to breath. Now all I have to do is wait...the pressure in my head is almost unbearable now, but not even close to how unbearable my life has been. Laughter bubbles up from my throat for no particular reason, but I have no air to laugh with.

This is easier than I thought. Stars flash in front of my eyes, and I think I see Maggie. So this is how it ends. I go down laughing...

Hey Raz, Stella here!

I. NITPICKS

Maggie laughs as I chase her around the park at night.

At night seems weird. Maybe say "the dark park" or... something that rhymes less?

Not as a stalker, I could never think of myself like that. Sometimes though, at night, I climb up the fire escape and watch her sleep through her window. At work I also watch her, keeping my distance but there nonetheless.

And yet, he stalks her. I don't like the stalker line.

Me crying. Me holding her, her blood staining my shirt.

The "Me"s make you sound like Tarzan, and it just doesn't have the right effect.

After I pay for the gun, I run back to the park.

You can't just... buy a gun, can you? I don't know. But surely there's got to be, like, a form or something?

This man is wonderful.

I don't understand why he says this.

Screaming, I bang on the side of the closed, cushioned wall.

As far as I know, this isn't how they treat people in mental institutions anymore.

I rip a strip of cloth from my shirt and tie it around my neck.

Alright, if he's in a padded cell, he'd definitely be wearing a straitjacket. Do you think they just put people in those cells if they can find a way to commit suicide anyway? It's all about the suicide watch, and stopping things like this happening.

Tighter, until it's impossible to breath.

breathe.

Alright.

II. OH! OH, THE TRAUMA! -SHORT STORIES

The love of his life gets killed! He nearly shoots someone! He commits suicide! Oh, goodness, he has such a sad life, it's no wonder.

The problem is- I'm not buying this. To be honest, I'm quite a cold-hearted being. But in a short story, things like this are incredibly hard to grasp. An English teacher once told a friend never to kill a character during a short story as it will have no effect on the reader, and while I disagree with him on the "never" bit, I really don't think it works that well. We have absolutely no idea who your character is, so how can we feel sorry for him, despite all the things that happen to him?

Secondly, remember your story needs to have a beginning, a middle and an end. You randomly skip six years here to kill your character- but before that he's already tried to kill someone else and Maggie herself has been killed. That's an awful lot of death in a short space of time. There's not really a good arc- you need to build up, build up, build up.... and let down again. That's the magic formula for a reason.

III. OVERALL

Honestly, I think it's too short to have any real effect. You've piled on the trauma and forgotten most of plot-and-character stuff. That said, your writing's not bad at all. It's just structure.

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x

I agree with everything Stella said. Your story seems to be going just a tad to fast, maybe try slow it down? When your MC killed that lady i was just like, :O Wow. I had to read that line again to double check i got it right. I couldn't quite grasp the fact that he had just killed her, just like that. You need to add something more, the build up to it. Yes, he wasn't himself - what with all the grief. But you could say something about the ladies face annoying him, or something swelling in him that caused him to act irrationally? Just expand abit.
I like your writing, it's not bad, just as Stella said it's the structure. You need to tell us abit more about the MC, so we can feel for him.
I think you have something good going here, if you just fix and add a few things you'll have a great read one day!

If you need any more help just post me a note, i'll be happy to help!
Cheers, Born xx

Hey RazHuni!
I like your piece! But if you want to pull off a story like this, bring out the emotion! Pile it on there, show the readers how heartwrenched your MC is because his beloved Maggie is gone. Describe his burning anger as he almost kills a man in the park!

After take the gun and run, I go back to the park.

What? I'm confused by what you mean by this. Did the MC steal the gun?

Maggie laughs as I chase her around the park at night. When I catch her, I wrap my arms around her waist and kiss her, my hands in her perfect red hair. She kisses back, lips soft and warm against mine. She'll be right back.
This sounds like they had a relationship together at one point. Was this just a figment of his imagination or is it true.

As she walks away, I watch her. I always watch her. When she doesn't know I watch her, I do. Not as a stalker, I could never think of myself like that. Sometimes though, at night, I climb up the fire escape and watch her sleep through her window. At work I also watch her, keeping my distance but there nonetheless.
Since he sounds like a stalker, I assumed that the last paragraph was a figment of his imagination because if they were in a relationship, he wouldn't be keeping his distance.

PM me if you need any help!
-SodapopLunchbox

Hey there.
Interesting idea for a piece. It's very short and VERY tragic. I like how you started the story, immediately showing the love between the two characters, but other than that, the story is only action action action. We need a connection with the character before we can feel what he feels.
Personally, I'd like it better if it was longer than 6 years later, but that's up to you, and if you want him to commit suicide, he shouldn't be in a mental hospital. Perhaps he goes to therapy for a while, but in the end the pain is too much to bear. You could add in some of his interaction with a psychologist, which would give us insight into what he is dealing with.
Keep your idea intact, but expand on it. Show the relationship building between the two characters at the beginning, make it more of a shock when she is killed, and show us his pain as he tries to deal with it. Keep this in mind: you need to make us fall in love with her too, that way we feel your MC's pain. If she dies so soon into the story, we aren't in love with her yet and we can't sympathize with your character.
Good rough draft for a short story. It has great potential. Don't be intimidated by a longer story. You can take on large projects one bit at a time. Keep working on it!
-DR

Thanks, I tend to write things "On the spot" way too often. I'll work on that. By the way, I wrote this six months ago, how'd you dig it up? xD

Okay… really creepy!

I’m not sure if this is what you meant… but the nameless narrator just seems like a stalker. If you don’t want him to seem like a stalker you shouldn’t have him say it. By saying the word it suddenly gives the reader a solid idea about what the man is, instead of just random thoughts in the back of their mind. On the other hand he does seem like a stalker… he’s a little bit too into this girl, which makes it more understandable as to why he’s so crazy and why he can’t get over it.

The narrative goes to fast though. It feels kind of rushed, which is a problem. You want to draw this out more. Everything jumps around, and while it’s all connected, it’s connected in a rather disjoint kind of way. I’m actually more afraid of the narrator then the man who killed her. All we, the reader, get of the narrator is him being crazy. Even in his flashbacks he’s being like a stalker. The way he reacts after she’s dead it makes me think that he’d have ended up tying her up and locking her in his basement… really I feel like she got off better by being accidentally killed then having to deal with the narrator after he snapped.

As I said before, I’m not sure that’s what you were going for, but that’s what I took from it. I like that creep factor; it’s properly unsettling, but you still need to draw out your prose a bit more. Describe the hospital, the nurse, the room Maggie’s in with greater detail… or describe not being able to describe in greater detail… okay that might make little sense, but if you’ve ever had an occasion where you’ve gone numb you’re so detached and away from all your emotions that even though mentally you know that you’re afraid of how unfeeling you are, your mind can’t really register the feeling. Try describing what it would be like to feel nothing. Also, seriously draw out the buying of the gun, walking around looking for the man. Your narrator held Maggie as she bled, does he have blood on his shirt. He seems really messed up over her death, like he wouldn’t think to change, so why did the gun store cleric sell him a gun? Why did the narrator know the man would still be in the park? Had he seen him before?

If you can answer all those questions the content will be better, and so will the flow of the story.

No, seriously, WHY is a piece done in July dug up now? O_o I never even liked this piece! Not to say I don't appreciate your reviews, but...*shakes head* Y'know, why not things I need reviewed, like my lyrics? Sorry, but again, this was done July! Where it was dug up from, I haven't the slightest idea!