How I Fall Asleep

I found this poem in my notebook that I wrote in over vacation, but I don't remember writing it because I was so tired. It's funny because it's about not sleeping.

Trapped in my world which I despise,
Wide awake with wide open eyes.
As I wonder under the stars
I wonder why they are so far.

Whispering wind is all I hear
With my watchful, weeping ear.
Why I whimper, lying here
I shall always wonder while I tear.

If only the whispering wind I now listen
would sweep the far away stars as they glisten.
They would wander about me, and kiss my cheek.
In awe I would be unable to speak.

All of my pains would easily leave.
This will soon occur if I just believe.
Staring at stars and counting sheep,
Finally I will fall asleep.

This poem has a very nice flow, and it is excellent considering you were half asleep when you wrote it.

xjpalladinix wrote:Trapped in my world which I despise,
Wide awake with wide open eyes.
As I wonder under the stars
I wonder why they are so far.

Why do you despise your world? Perhaps you could elaborate on that. I like the repetition of the word "wonder" -- I hope that was intended.

xjpalladinix wrote:Whispering wind is all I hear
With my watchful, weeping ear.
Why I whimper, lying here
I shall always wonder while I tear.

Alliteration is a nice touch to any poem. The repetition of the starting consonants of several words is difficult enough as it is; you manage to handle it with such an obscure letter as "W"!

xjpalladinix wrote:If only the whispering wind I now listen
would sweep the far away stars as they glisten.
They would wander about me, and kiss my cheek.
In awe I would be unable to speak.

Don't you mean, the whispering wind you now listen to? I know you want to rhyme, but you could put the word "to" on the next line. By the way, the idea of stars kissing one's cheek is so sweet!

xjpalladinix wrote:All of my pains would easily leave.
This will soon occur if I just believe.
Staring at stars and counting sheep,
Finally I will fall asleep.

A nice ending to a nice poem. It could be a little repetitious at time, though I'm sure you were intending it to a certain agree. Great work!

Hello there

Interesting topic. I thought that this poem lacked a lot of emotion, if it's not emotion then it's that spark to make it original. I think this is caused by the fact that you were probably concentrating much on getting your rhyming right instead of doing that and focusing on the meaning

Wide awake with wide open eyes. I feel you overused "wide" and it does not sound right
As I wonder under the stars
I wonder why they are so far. You could also try and revise these two lines because if I read it out loud, it does not sound right; try eliminating one of the "wonder"

Whispering wind is all I hear
With my watchful, weeping ear.
Why I whimper, lying here
I shall always wonder while I tear.

This was a great stanza, I was just not very fond of the last line. The last two stanzas were just fine, though I feel like in the last one things were just a bit over exaggerated.

Keep writing

This was a nice poem. I liked it.

One thing I noticed however, was lack of structure. I noticed that it didn't flow very well, and that you were very concentrated on making it rhyme. Putting a few non-rhyming lines would be great, to balance out the rhyming.

Other than that, it was good!

Keep writing!

Trapped in my world which I despise,
Wide awake with wide open eyes.
As I wonder under the stars
HEY CUTIE!!

This is what I'd do:



Trapped in my world which I despise,
Wide awake with wide open eyes.
As I wonder under the stars (try"as I lay here beneath the stars" maybe?)
I wonder why they are so far.

Whispering wind is all I hear
With my watchful, weeping ear.
Why I whimper, lying here
I shall always wonder while I tear. (how bout "shall always bring me to tears?" it adds a bit of mystery and keeps the rhythm better)

If only the whispering wind I now listen (try, "if to only..." rather than "if only.."
would sweep the far away stars as they glisten. (uhm this line is hard but how bout "would dance with" instead of "would sweep?")
They would wander about me, and kiss my cheek.
In awe I would be unable to speak.

All of my pains would easily leave.
This will soon occur if I just believe. (this line makes no sense, how bout "if I can just finally fall asleep?")
Staring at stars and counting sheep,
Finally I will fall asleep. (if you take my advice with the last line, this line wouldn't work, but you can try slumber instead of sleep or any other form of sleep or if you want to keep the rhyme scheme try "and finally I will be at ease")