Wolf Watchers Book One: Counting Stars - Prologue (edited)

(This is twelve and up for some suggestive comments and kind of bad words. The Prologue has none of that though.)


This is the Prologue in my new Novel Wolf Watchers Book One: Counting Stars. Reviews greatly appreciated!


“Dorio…”

“Don’t ‘Dorio’ me, Danielle. I’m a big boy, I an handle myself.” Dorio snapped, turning his back on the young man, ignoring how Danielle flinched away from him.

“But, are you sure you know what you’re doing? Lavella doesn’t accept strangers, only people born in the Riolin Kingdom… And how will you get in? What if a guard catches you?” questioned another voice, just as concerned as the first, but belonging to his fair, curly haired twin sister, Rosetta.

“I’ll be fine!” Dorio spat at her, clenching his right hand into a fist.

“Dorio! Don’t yell at them. They’re worried about you, like we all are.” spoke a young woman with wild red hair and fierce green eyes.

Dorio glared at her, but his hand relaxed and his face softened a little, but his eyes kept their defiant gleam. He sighed and gave Gene a small, thankful smile.

“I’ll be fine.” Dorio said again, but more softly, turning his body to look at the young siblings. “I’ll send a wolf to you when I get there. If you don’t hear from me in ten days, don’t come after me, leave the cave. They may be able to get information from me.” he told the small group of five surrounding him, but his gaze stayed locked on the twins. He crouched down in front of them and spoke softly, “If you don’t hear from me in ten days, take Gene and come looking for me. We need the girl on our side, and I know she’s in Lavella. Understand? I know you two are more suited for this than anyone else… You have Wild Magick.” At their confused expressions he grinned and whispered, “ask Gene if I don’t come back.”

There was an uneasy silence as the twins glanced at each other, their faces displaying their doubt.

“Understand?” Dorio repeated, looking at them expectantly. After another, shorter, silence the twins nodded. “Good.” he said, casting them small, reassuring smiles. “Don’t worry, I’ll be fine.”

He stood and glanced around the small circle of friends surrounding him. Then nodded once at one of the wolves in the shadows of the cave. The wolf, fur the color of a starless night sky, walked over to Dorio and sat beside his master, looking sadly over at the other wolves. His pups.

“Be well.” he whispered to the others, then spoke to Kio, his wolf, with a falsely cheery voice. “Come on, pup, let’s go.”

Together, wolf and human left the cave, neither turning back. Even when they heard the soft crying of one of the straw-haired twins.

“Dorio…”

“Don’t ‘Dorio…’ me! I’m a big boy, I an handle myself.” Dorio snapped,Full stop instead of comma. turning his back on the young man, ignoring the hurt clearly visible in his sad brown eyes. Instead of saying 'Ignoring the hurt clearly visible in his sad brown eyes' be a little bit more descriptive Think of how people act when they are hurt and interpret it in your story.'

“But, are you sure you know what you’re doing? Lavella doesn’t accept strangers, only people born in the Kingdom… And how will you get in? What if a guard catches you?” questioned another voice, just as concerned as the first, but female. Why do you just mention that they are voices. How about describing them? What they look like? How old they are? etc

“I’ll be fine!” Dorio spat at her, again ignoring the pain that flashed in her eyes. Show dont Tell

“Dorio… What if--” asked another female’s voice, her voice much more commanding, demanding him to hear her out, but he cut her off with a look from his determined eyes. There are a lot of '....' in this prologue. Its a bit distracting for the reader.

“I’ll be fine.” Dorio said again, but more softly, turning his body to look at the young siblings. “I’ll send a wolf to you when I get there. If you don’t hear from me in ten days, don’t come after me, leave the cave. They may be able to get information from me.” he told the small group of five surrounding him, but his gaze stayed locked on the twins. He crouched down in front of them and spoke softly, “If you don’t hear from me in ten days, take Gene and come looking for me. We need her on our side, and I know she’s in Lavella. Understand?” Who's Gene. If Dorio doesnt make it to Lavella what makes him think the twins will.

There was an uneasy silence as the twins glanced at each other, their faces displaying their doubt.

“Understand?” Dorio repeated, looking at them expectantly. After another, shorter, silence the twins nodded. “Good.” he said, giving I think 'casting' would be better suited here. them small, reassuring smiles. “Don’t worry, I’ll be fine.”

He stood and cast his eyes around the small circle of friends surrounding him. Then outside of the cave. Without another word, he walked out of the cave, into the dark Spring night. Never once did he look back.

I liked this story. But my only problem was that there was a lot of telling instead of showing. It was quite short which is good for a prologue. I didn't catch a glimpse of any of the characters as there was no description of their appearance.

Keep Writing, Anger.

Hello! My name is Jessica and I will be reviewing this piece today!

Overall, I thought it was okay. You have an interesting style of writing. The story could go far and I think you should keep writing!

Don't tell us whats going on, show us.
You described the characters a bit but only their hair most of the time. What do they look like, sound like, what is their personality? Think about that a bit more and really let us know how to imagine and look at these people.
It's mysterious and we are not sure what is happening here. Sometimes that is a good thing and sometimes it's not. You decide.
What about where they are? Describe the scenery but be sure to try not to tell us, more of describe it through a characters feelings of it's effects on the characters.

meggwriting wrote:“Dorio! Don’t yell at them. They’re worried about you, like we all are.” spoke a young woman with wild red hair and fierce green eyes.

Here is an example of a way I would do that-
"Dorio! Don’t yell at them. They’re worried about you, like we all are.” spoke a young woman with fierce green eyes and vibrant red hair that whipped wildly in the fall winds.
So, overall. I think it's pretty good! I hope i helped!
- Jessica

hi, i really liked this prologue and i'm sure this will turn into an interesting story. one of my main concerns though is making sure you don't always tell the reader what's happening, you should always try to show us what's happening, this will make any piece of writing better. i think you need to tell the reader a bit more about the characters, go into more detail with them and make them more interesting. use your descriptive writing skills and tell us where the story is set. i've just looked at the other reviewers' posts and they've said the same type of things, this is good advice. and this could be a really good story. keep it up and i look forward to reading more in the future.

thatboy

Hey Megg, Stella here!

I. NITPICKS

“Don’t ‘Dorio’ me, Danielle. I’m a big boy, I an handle myself.”

can handle?

“Dorio! Don’t yell at them. They’re worried about you, like we all are.” spoke a young woman with wild red hair and fierce green eyes.

spoke? Also, confused about dialogue punctuation? Here!

“Be well.” he whispered to the others,

Be well? Be good?

Alright.

II. OVERALL

Overall, this is a reasonably strong beginning. I like the premise you've set up. I feel like there could be a little more information in it, like who Dorio is, what relation he is to everyone there, what he looks like, what age he is, what age the twins are. Set the scene as much as you can.

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x