Little Do You Know, Breathing is a Privilige-Prologue

Prologue

The swishing sound of my heart and my heavy, uneven breaths were a constant reminder. A reminder that something was wrong. Four years ago I was diagnosed with CHF, Congestive Heart Failure.

Now I sit here in my bed, watching the news. I do this everyday. See who died and how. Listen for their ages. And I wonder if they could be the donor for my new heart. I was signed up for it four months ago. Only half the people that sign up for a new heart actually get one. The other half end up with that dreadful, long, straight line across the heart monitor.

Turning off the TV, I began looking through my scrapbook. Before all of this happened I was on a swim team. Before this all happened I was a great singer.

Looking at the pictures of me and my past always made me cry. In the beginning of this I had to quit the swim team. Then I had to stop singing. Next came the heavy weight on my chest that never went away, and the cough that hurt so badly. Next I had to stop going to school. Finally, I couldn't even use the stairs.

Now, I stay in my room and draw, watch the news, and read. Now, my mother home schools me. Now, I can barely take four steps without running out of breath.

I got to the picture of me in my last healthy year. The picture of me with my red hair slicked back with the water from the pool, my blue eyes shining, and my arms around my two best friends. Looking at the picture I had a flashback of that year...

hey MyStoryline!
Well if this doesn't tug on your heartstrings, I don't know what will. It's very upsetting when a young life is swept out from underneath them, I think you should address that in this story. Show the MC's emotions. Yes, we know she's upset, but elaborate on it. I'm big on details!!

This piece was a little short, but it leaves me wondering for more. I want to know about this girl with CHF & her story! If you continue this piece(which I'm assuming you will) PM me when you come out with the next chapter!!(:

-SodapopLunchbox

(btw, welcome to YWS!)

Welcome to YWS, MyStoryline.

This is quite effectively written and as the above reviewer said, it's a very sad topic to read about. I won't pretend I know anything about CHF, but I would like to see a little more of the MC and her reactions to it in this prologue, rather than just a reminiscence. If I have any kind of issue with this, it would be how you're going to keep this scene related to the rest of your novel. Other than that, I only have a couple of nitpicks to make.

Looking at the pictures of me and my past always made me cry.

You say this, and yet she doesn't seem to be crying or showing too many emotions herself. The emotions that I get here are from your use of language, not the MC; the former contributes to the latter's portrayal, but don't rely entirely on it. I'd like to see her visibly more upset, as you seem to tell us she should be.

Looking at the picture I had a flashback of that year...

This is not the best way to lead into a chapter. It's overdone and quite clichéd by now, especially with the use of ellipses. Consider rewording it, or just cutting it entirely and replacing it with something like, I barely recognised myself. Or describe how the MC knows this picture so well, as she seems to look at it a lot. Give us something a little more individual to go on here.

Those are small criticisms, though. I can't really get a sense of your writing style within such a small piece, but this could be a really heart-wrenching topic if done well. Good luck to you in continuing.

- Jet.

You're so talented. Even just reading the prologue made me want to care for your character.

Lovesss it.

MyStoryline, this is really good. I do agree that you need to give us some emotions that the MC is feeling, but even without them this makes me feel compassion and sympathy to the character. And it's only the prologue! I have a feeling that this will be a good piece if you decide to continue working on it, which I hope you do.

I've read a few stories about people with this kind of heart failure or who used to have it but get a heart transplant, and I have to say this is the best written one I've seen so far. I do have one part of the story that bugged me, though:

Turning off the TV, I began looking through my scrapbook.

It's not technically wrong, but I've met a few other people who have a problem with this. It would go better as "I turned off the TV and began to look through my scrapbook" simply because the dependent clause in that sentence implies she's doing both at once (which is why it bugs me so much!). And maybe she is! But it's still... awkward. I guess that's the best word for it XD

This defiantly got my attention, I want to know more! I suggest you elaborate more on the heart condition she has. Explain more about it. Details are the key! Keep working on it. Let me know when you come out with Chapter one! I would really enjoy reading it. =)

--Wendy

This is sooo sad. My heart ached, and I almost had tears in my eyes (I would have if it was longer.) Please PM me when you get the next part out.