Rozion: The Warrior Within

Chapter 1


Rain drops were as cold as ice itself, the wind blew heavy and hard. Tress bristled and shook with the wind. Teeth sharp, drool dripping from their jaws. Growls and snarling dire wolves stood preparing to attack at any time. He stood there with his staff in a ready position, calm and ready for the attack to come his way. It was like slow motion when it all came crumbling down.

The wolf from behind takes advantage and attacks first, spinning around his body and staff, striking the wolf in the head. Falls to the ground and struggles to get back up. Then they all charge at once. The upper part of the staff strikes one wolf under the jaw swinging him from behind and over the shoulders to hit another in mid air. He sweeps 2 wolves from under them breaking their legs and the rest fall victim to his staff.

“Another exciting day.” Veiyloxx said to himself.

The Forest was full of mystical and magical creatures, some friendly and some not so friendly like the dire wolves he had fought off just now. His dark black cape and ragged cloths were drenched. The rain started to poor down harder, he could barely see in front of himself, but that was no mater he new the forest inside and out. Thunder and lightning flashed every couple of seconds.

Veiyloxx was a young boy, well really a man, who stood about five foot and seven inches tall. He had long wavy brown hair with striking green eyes with brown strips of lines going from his iris (the color portion of your eye) to the pupil. It looked like a tunnel looking up close at them. He was rather muscular, not ripped but not to far away from it either. He didn’t like the look of a ripped body just a very tone one did just fine. Besides to much muscle slowed a person down. Very smart and intelligent for his age, he made lots of things from simple wood work to complex pulley systems and more.
He was a fighter, always looking for adventure within the Forest, he knew there was something else out there, but he would have to leave his family and loved ones behind and he didn’t want to do that at all.

The Trees soared well over three hundred feet, some more alive then others, some even moved once in a while but that was a rare sight to see. Trees were not just green but other colors as well, some trees were as red as blood and some yellow as a fruit, orange and blue too.
Rozion, the name of the world in which he lived is a very large world in comparison. Three Earth sizes, so imagine the diversity of the world, an ancient world at that with very intelligent creatures and human-like people. The sky was an orangish-red with a rather large Star as a sun. It also had many moons which very few people even knew exactly how many there was. Even during the night light would shine down upon Rozion. The water was thin and very silky like, it fell right off your skin and it was very easy to swim in. Sand was pitch black and really soft but hard on the skin. Rozion had many continents and oceans too some gentle and some not so gentle.
He walked casually through the forest to get back to his home town. His cloths were tattered and dripping in rain water. No one was around; they had all found shelter in their homes from the icy rain. Foot prints of mud were left behind by him as he walked to his home.
He swung open the door and it hit the wall behind it causing his mother to jump in fright.
“Stop doing that!” she proclaimed and went about her business.
He went to his room took his staff and set it aside in its corner and laid down and closed his eyes.
He awoke the next day sat up put on some clean tattered cloths, grabbed his bag and staff and headed for the door.
Waiting for him outside was Valeigha, his childhood sweetheart, she was the most beautiful girl ever in his mind. She stood the same height as Veiyloxx and had long straight black hair, her eyes glowed with silver and her smile was just breath taking too. She was always proper too unlike many of the girls there she was not only the most beautiful but most intelligent smartest and had everything a young girl like herself should have. She was also born on the same day as Veiyloxx too say they shared many things together.
“Hey Valeigha how are you doing?” he asks her
She had this disappointing and serious look on her face, she only had that when she was really upset about something.
“Where were you yesterday?!” she asked in a high raised voice almost scolding him.
“I sorry I wasn’t aware I had to check in with you, and you know where I was.”
“Well you know I don’t like it when you go off into the forest like that!”
She grabbed his hand with his and started to pull him along. She kept talking about something but Veiyloxx wasn’t really listening to her
“Are you listening at all? She asked
“yeah im listening.”
“No your not, that’s always your answer you really need to grow up you know that.”
He continued to ignore her
After she got done ranting on about something they finally calmed down and headed for The Great Tree.
“Valeigha, there’s something I want to tell you.” He said, stuttering.
“Oh? And what’s that?” she asked even though she probably knew what it was he was going to say.
“I love you.” He said looking down.
“Oh Veiyloxx your to much.” She said smiling trying not to laugh.
“What’s so funny about that, I’m being serious you know.”
“ I know you are, but I knew you loved me a long time ago, why do you think I’ve stayed by your side all this time. It’s because I love you too.” She smiled at him
“Then why didn’t you tell me this before?”
“Why does the girl always have to say it first? Why can’t the boy say it?” she asked
“Because that’s just how it’s suppose to be.”
“Well this time is different because you have told me first.”
“Well I think we should go back and you tell me first.”
“That’s not going to happen; even if we could I wouldn’t let it.”
“Oh well…
“Look, there was a reason why I told you that I love you Valeigha.” As his happiness turned to a grin. He looked down as if to be worried about something.
“What’s Wrong.” She asked confusingly.
“I had a dream last night while sleeping. We were here holding hands just like this and all of a sudden you pointed out that you saw dark smoke coming from home. So we get up and run back but when we got there the whole village was on fire and just about everyone was dead.”
It started to drizzle with light rain.
“It was raining like it is now…” Then he got scared and with a bad feeling he tells Valeigha.
“Get up lets go I got a bad feeling about this.”
“But Veiy, it was just a dream it could be real could it?” she asked getting scared herself.
“Your right but I don’t want to take any chances let’s just head back ok.” She agreed and so they walked back.
While on the way he finished what he’s dream was about and they started talking about what they were going to do later and how they would lead their lives with one another. They talked about children and other things too. It started to rain a bit harder and the winds picked up, so naturally they started to run with hands together.
Then they stopped dead in their tracks. The frightening moment had come, the terrified dream was happening. The smoke and screams had just started to happen. Veiyloxx looked at Valeigha grasping her hands.
“Go back to the tree and wait for me there ok!”
“ but Veiy…” he cut her off before she could finish.”
“Look you’re not coming with me, I’m not going to risk you coming with me after I just told you I love you ok just go back to the tree I’ll be fine I promise!” he let go of her hand and she turned away, she started to cry and ran towards the tree.
Veiyloxx took in a deep breath and let out a loud war cry and ran toward the village. He took out his bo grasping it in his right hand holding it to the side where half the bo was to his back and the other to his side. A small group of men in black robes from head to toe ran at him with swords. This is where all his training would pay off.
He leaped several feet into the air spinning his bo around striking the first man in the head breaking part of the bo. The man fell to the ground, his body was lifeless. Veiyloxx tripped the second man and stabbing the man into the chest with the broken end of his bo. Picking up the sword he tossed it at the third man which had truck his chest too.
He picked up the sword from the third mans chest and the one he had in his lifeless body. At this point most of all the villagers were dead. Rage filled His mind as he walked down the center of the village. Four men on what we would call horses stood several hundred yards away. There they stood looking at one another. Veiyloxx started to move ever so slowly towards them. The first horse man galloped he’s way to him. When opportunity struck he took a running start jumped onto a rather large log to jump off impaling the man in the chest with one of the swords.
The second horse man charged towards Veiy with a pike, a long pole with a sharp end to it usually with some sort of metal. When the chance to strike came he rolled out of the way and sliced the leg of the horse off causing the horse and the man to fall to the ground. The man is crushed beneath the horse.
The third horse man follows after and yet again Veiyloxx took his sword in hand and carefully aimed at the horse mans chest and threw it directly at him causing him to fall off. The horse galloped to Veiy when he grabbed the saddles strings jumping onto the horse. He grabbed up the pike from the second man which had been sticking out of the ground and turned to the last horse man.
They looked at each other for a minute before charging at one another. Veiyloxx hadn’t ever ridden a horse before but he knew how to use one. He threw the pike at the horse man but had missed at this points he didn’t know what to do. He looked around on the saddles to find a sword tucked in a pocket of the saddle. He Grabbed it fast and swung as hard and swift as he could, releasing a loud cry. The sword cut through the man sword and through to his neck decapitating his head off.
He jumped off the horse and ran to his parents, his mother was dead but his father was dying.
“ Son get out of here take Valeigha with you protect what is your and your duties, you’re a man now. More will be back so get out of here fast before they get here. GO! Time is of essence. Goodbye my son you will do great things.” As he took his last breath.
Veiyloxx wanted to bury them but he hadn’t the time to do it. His father was right more would be back. He gave out one last loud yell of hatred stood up whipped the tears away and turned to the horse.
A voice came to his head.
“The girl, she needs your help Veiyloxx. GO NOW SHE NEEDS YOU!” the voice said and without question he jumped on the horse.
He rode hard and fast to get there as quick as he could. His mind was racing, how could one of those men have gotten by? He thought to himself. Maybe one saw her run off and snuck by me after he saw what I did to the other men.
The opening was coming up he could see another horse man grabbing at Valeigha. He galloped towards him with fierce anger and rage.
“Get away from her!” he said
“VEIY! HELP!” she screamed
He leaped off the horse and tackled the man to the ground beating his face into the wet mud. His fists were covered in blood; he stood over the man’s lifeless body. With all the rain his hair feel a little past his eyes. He turned to look at Valeigha.
“Their dead, everyone is dead, just me and you now.” He said with a sorrow voice
She started to weep and cry, throwing herself onto Veiyloxx as he caught her in his arms. They stood for a while just holding each other in their arms.
“ARGH…” veiyloxx said falling to his knees.
An arrow had just struck him in the back. Several hundred feet away stood yet another horseman who was the one that shot the arrow. This arrow was no ordinary arrow, it was a shadow arrow. First it paralyzes so you can’t move or speak. Excruciating pain flowed through his body as he turned around.
“Impossible!” The horseman shouted drawing another arrow.
Veiyloxx got back to his feet and sprinted towards him with great speed and force. Another arrow hits his shoulder throwing him of his feet. Attempting to get back on his feet the Horseman draws another arrow on to his bow releasing it. This arrow flies right in to his chest and stops before hitting the heart.
Falling to his back he faintly saw the horseman approach. Screams came from Valeigha who was holding Veiyloxx in her arms as he seemed to be dying.
Veiyloxx laid there helplessly as the horseman knocker Valeigha out picked her up and rode off with her to let Veiyloxx die.



Remember its just a draft and ill work on it a little more wheni get commentsand reiews

Hey there, Veiyloxx. Welcome to YWS! So this is where that username comes from, I suppose? I'll be reading through and nitpicking as I go, and then I'll give a general summary of opinions at the end.

Please read: I made a lot of corrections. You need to proof-read thoroughly before you post to avoid so many punctuation and spelling problems. However, please don't be discouraged. I tried not to point things out too often if you were making the same mistake and I certainly don't want you to take this offensively. I'm trying to help.

Spoiler

Rain drops were as cold as ice itself, the wind blew heavy and hard.

Use a semi-colon instead of a comma in the middle there. The simile "as cold as ice" is pretty overdone, so try to think of something more unique to use instead. Otherwise there isn't much point in using a simile. You want your opening line to stand out as original.

Tress bristled

I assume you mean "trees".

Growls and snarling dire wolves stood preparing to attack at any time.

I love this build-up in the opening paragraph; it's quite well done. I would cut "dire" here, as it doesn't make much sense in context.

It was like slow motion when it all came crumbling down.

The simile "like slow motion" is a little redundant too, especially in an old setting. Try something new or cut it.

The wolf from behind takes advantage and attacks first, spinning around his body and staff, striking the wolf in the head. Falls to the ground and struggles to get back up. Then they all charge at once. The upper part of the staff strikes one wolf under the jaw swinging him from behind and over the shoulders to hit another in mid air. He sweeps 2 wolves from under them breaking their legs and the rest fall victim to his staff.

I know you're just trying to write an engaging action sequence, but I don't like the shift to present tense. It jolts the reader out of their comfort zone. I suggest you have a look for a few guides on writing action scenes and try not to do this, because it's quite jarring when you start in past tense.

“Another exciting day.” Veiyloxx said to himself.

"Another exciting day," Veiyloxx said to himself.

That's the correct punctuation. Click here for more information on why. I won't be correcting all your dialogue unless it's a subtly different mistake, so please look that up and check through to see where you can make your own edits if necessary. As for what Veiyloxx is saying (by the way, why does it have a double x?), it seems a bit clichéd.

dire wolves he had fought off just now.

Are they called "dire wolves" then? I can't tell.

The rain started to poor down harder, he could barely see in front of himself, but that was no mater he new the forest inside and out.

Please proof-read before you post. The rain started to pour down harder. He could barely see in front of himself, but that was of no consequence: he knew the forest inside and out.

Veiyloxx was a young boy well really a man, who stood about five foot and seven inches tall.

Don't just describe appearance in one chunk as a paragraph. Try to work it in amongst your prose instead. For example, you can mention how strong Veiyloxx is when he's fighting the wolves, rather than here. Also, going on this description, Veiyloxx seems a little perfect. Remember that a character needs to have proper flaws if we're to relate to them, or even understand them.

The water was thin and very silky like, it fell right off your skin and it was very easy to swim in. Sand was pitch black and really soft but hard on the skin.

I've picked this out because it does make the world you're talking about sound quite beautiful, but the problem I have is that you're just telling us all this. Like I said above, your descriptions need to flow through your prose subtly rather than just appearing whenever there's a break in the narrative. If you want to describe the water, wait until Veiyloxx needs some and then you'll be able to describe it without just feeding it in at a random opportunity. You should try to use some more interesting vocabulary and language, as opposed to phrases like "very silky like", which don't really give us any images.

“Stop doing that!” she proclaimed and went about her business.

You don't really "proclaim" anything unless you're royalty, and even then, rarely. Keep to simple dialogue tags.

At this point I'm ignoring lots of comma errors you're making. You should read this whole chapter aloud and work out where you need to pause, because there are several occasions where you're missing commas. It's important that they're in the right places so we don't feel like we're rushing through the chapter at breakneck speed.

She was always proper too unlike many of the girls there she was not only the most beautiful but most intelligent smartest and had everything a young girl like herself should have.

Again, you need to try to make your characters flawed. Your character can't just be an embodiment of all the good things in life, because no person is and it makes them boring to read about. Veiyloxx can think Valeigha is perfect, but she can't actually be perfect.

“Are you listening at all? She asked

“yeah im listening.”

“No your not, that’s always your answer you really need to grow up you know that.”

"Are you listening at all?" she asked.

"Yeah, I'm listening."

"No, you're not. That's always your answer. You really need to grow up, you know that?"

Please proof-read before you post to avoid errors like this.

After she got done ranting on about something they finally calmed down and headed for The Great Tree.

“Valeigha, there’s something I want to tell you.” He said, stuttering.

“Oh? And what’s that?” she asked even though she probably knew what it was he was going to say.

“I love you.” He said looking down.

The rules of dialogue punctuation as outlined in that article apply here. Also, I'm lost as to how we got from totally ignoring her to declaring her his one true love. If he loved her that much, perhaps he would listen to her, and if she were that intelligent, perhaps she wouldn't mindlessly rant about nothing. There are flaws here in your characters, but you need to acknowledge them rather than leave it to strange discrepancies in the narrative.

You seem to be missing lots of full stops on the end of lines and continually confusing "your/you're". I'm not correcting those mistakes because they're basic errors that you can pick up on yourself.

“It was raining like it is now…” Then he got scared and with a bad feeling he tells Valeigha.

You switch tenses again here, and you also just tell us "he got scared". Where's the emotion in this situation? I've not felt anything through this entire patch of dialogue, but that's partly because of the punctuation making it difficult to read. You've actually got some good dialogue here and it's realistic enough, which is unusual, but the lack of emotion and punctuation is letting you down.

“Look you’re not coming with me, I’m not going to risk you coming with me after I just told you I love you ok just go back to the tree I’ll be fine I promise!” he let go of her hand and she turned away, she started to cry and ran towards the tree.

Uh... what? According to the punctuation of this sentence, this is literally all one sentence. That doesn't even make sense. You need at least five full sentences here and way more commas.

This is where all his training would pay off.

A rare plot problem in an otherwise well thought out situation, but where's he been trained? It strikes me that he's living in a small village.

Veiyloxx tripped the second man and stabbing the man into the chest with the broken end of his bo.

It's "bow", with a w. This doesn't quite make sense as a sentence. Use "stabbed" instead of "stabbing".

what we would call horses

Do they call them something else? Just use "horses" for the sake of readability.

I'm missing out a few apostrophe errors; you seem to have them when you don't need them and miss them when you do. Apostrophes indicate possession and omissions, pretty much, so don't put them where they're not needed.

The first horse man galloped he’s way to him.

I've pointed this out because it's the second time this has happpened: it should be "his", not "he's".

The man is crushed beneath the horse.

Again, a slight shift in tenses. It's obviously easier for you to visualise action in present tense, but try to keep this in past. It'll be much simpler if you do.

He threw the pike at the horse man but had missed at this points he didn’t know what to do.

This doesn't make sense. He threw the pike at the horseman, but missed. At this point, he didn't know what to do.

decapitating his head off.

The word "decapitating" means "cutting his head off", so the last part of the sentence is redundant.

He jumped off the horse and ran to his parents, his mother was dead but his father was dying.

In which case, this should be more emotional. Expand on their appearances. It must hurt Veiyloxx to see them wounded, mustn't it? You have to describe them so we can understand his grief as he goes off to rescue Valeigha.

“Their dead, everyone is dead, just me and you now.” He said with a sorrow voice

"They're dead. Everyone is dead. Just me and you now," he said, with sorrow in his voice.

Plot

You have a lot of action in this piece, more so than I'm used to reading. That's good, because many people make the mistake of not including enough to engage us in their opening chapters. However, this is a scene that's been done many times before. You're going to have to pull out all the stops if you want to describe this originally and emotionally. Use some similes that relate to the atmosphere. For example, if your character is angry, use a simile that describes his eyes as "like thunderclouds". You see the relationship?

I get the feeling you're seeing this as a film in your head and trying to write it all down on paper. It's difficult to do that. If you want ideas on how to write some epic fantasy scenes, try reading some of the hallmarks of fantasy fiction. I'd start with Lord of the Rings, just because it's a necessity. ;D

Overall

I can tell you have a lot of ideas and the story's pretty well thought out, but your punctuation and grammar are letting you down. You need to carefully proof-read, read aloud and double check before you post, so that we're just picking up on a few stray mistakes. Unfortunately, it's a learning process; everyone has to start somewhere with grammar, but then all you need to do is acknowledge where you make errors and learn to improve on it. So, to round off, here are some areas you should work on:

Emotions of characters and flaws.
Punctuation, specifically dialogue and use of commas.
Proof-reading.
Tenses.

And the positives, because I'm not completely negative all the time.

Well-considered plot developing.
Established world.
Plenty of action in opening chapter.
Original names and premise, especially considering you apparently kill off the main character in Chapter 1.

Again, I'll just remind you that I'm not trying to break you down or anything, just to help you improve on your novel. I hope this review helps you with that, at least. If it's offensive, I apologise, and I suggest you just walk away from it for a while.

- Jet.

Hey, Veiyloxx! It's Firefly again.

I'm glad to see that you've added more detail to your story. It's given it more depth, showing us what's going on rather than telling. This is definitely well on its way to being a fantastic read!

What I'll do for this review is just comment on parts of this chapter that seemed incomplete or out-of-place, so bear with me here!

(There should be a "The" here, as you're introducing a thing and not a who) Rain drops were as cold as ice itself, the wind blew heavy and hard. Tress bristled (Can trees "bristle"? Usually the word "bristle" is used for something with hair, and I'm pretty sure trees don't have hair. Keep an eye on your word choice--does the word fit the object you're describing? If no, then it's not the right word! A thesaurus can help pick the synonyms of a word for your descriptions; just try not to overuse the same word!) and shook with the wind. Teeth sharp, drool dripping from their jaws. Growls and snarling dire wolves stood preparing to attack at any time (This might be just me, but these two sentences feel like fragments; they're incomplete. It's possible to combine the two into one sentence that describes the wolves). He stood there with his staff in a ready position, calm and ready for the attack to come his way. It was like slow motion when it all came crumbling down (This sentence is out of place here; if you're foreshadowing to the village burning, then it's too soon for this, because right now you're foreshadowing the wolf attack going badly. You can move this farther down in the story or remove it entirely, but it doesn't feel like it belongs right here).

The wolf from behind takes (Jet already commented on this, but you've switched the verb tense from past to present. This confuses the reader, and a confused reader isn't a happy reader!) advantage and attacks first, spinning around his body and staff (Who spun? The boy, or the wolf? Your transitions from one character to the next (and yes, the wolf is a small character) must be smooth, but clear; this is oftenn done by introducing a new sentence), striking the wolf in the head. Falls to the ground and struggles to get back up (Who struggles? Let the reader know which action belongs to which character. For example: The wolf gave a weak howl before falling to the ground, its legs flailing as it struggled to get back up. This way, the reader is shown who is doing what). Then they all charge at once. The upper part of the staff strikes one wolf under the jaw swinging him from behind and over the shoulders to hit another in mid air. He sweeps 2 wolves from under them breaking their legs and the rest fall victim to his staff (You could explain the action a little more here, instead of just writing it off as they "fell victim." It comes off as a lazy way to end the fight scene).

“Another exciting day.” Veiyloxx said to himself.

The Forest was full of mystical and magical creatures, some friendly and some not so friendly like the dire wolves he had fought off just now. His dark black cape and ragged cloths were drenched. The rain started to poor down harder; he could barely see in front of himself, but that was no mater he knew the forest inside and out. Thunder and lightning flashed every couple of seconds (Does thunder flash? If something flashes, then you can see it. Can you see thunder, or do you hear it instead? As mentioned earlier, try using words that fit the object you're describing).

Veiyloxx was a young boy, well really a man, who stood about five foot and seven inches tall. He had long wavy brown hair with striking green eyes with brown strips of lines going from his iris (the color portion of your eye) (Don't do this; it makes the reader think you assume they don't know, and this is a bad thing to do. If someone doesn't know what a word means, they'll find a dictionary. But the author never defines something for them--you know what they say about assuming! Of course, this doesn't apply to words you make up, like Morlock and Vespar. Those kind of words should be explained, but usually through conversation) to the pupil. It looked like a tunnel looking up close at them. He was rather muscular, not ripped but not too far away from it either. He didn’t like the look of a ripped body just a very tone one did just fine. Besides too much muscle slowed a person down (You explain muscles and ripped bodies too much here. It takes away from what you're really trying to show the reader: your character). Very smart and intelligent for his age, he made lots of things from simple wood work to complex pulley systems and more.

He was a fighter, always looking for adventure within the Forest (Does the forest have a name, like the Dark Forest? If not, then "Forest" is spelled with a lower-case "f"), he knew there was something else out there, but he would have to leave his family and loved ones behind and he didn’t want to do that at all (This is good; it shows an inner conflict within the MC. Readers love inner conflicts!).

The Trees soared well over three hundred feet, some more alive then others, some even moved once in a while but that was a rare sight to see. Trees were not just green but other colors as well, some trees were as red as blood and some yellow as a fruit (What kind of fruit?), orange and blue too.

Rozion, the name of the world in which he lived is a very large world in comparison. Three Earth sizes, so imagine the diversity of the world, an ancient world at that with very intelligent creatures and human-like people (You're telling again here; show me how big the world is and how smart the creatures are! Also, do the Rozions know about Earth? I'd imagine no, since this feels like a medieval fantasy. If Earth does not play a role in this story, then don't mention it). The sky was a reddish-orange ("Orangish" isn't a word) with a rather large Star as a sun (How large is the sun? Does it take up the whole sky? How does this affect the temperature on Rozion? Show me!). It also had many moons which very few people even knew exactly how many there was. Even during the night light would shine down upon Rozion. The water was thin and very silky like, it fell right off your skin and it was very easy to swim in. Sand was pitch black and really soft but hard on the skin (How can something be soft and hard? This is a contradiction; it makes no sense). Rozion had many continents and oceans too some gentle and some not so gentle (Again, show me the world of Rozion, don't tell about it me).

He walked casually through the forest to get back to his home town. His cloths were tattered and dripping in rain water. No one was around; they had all found shelter in their homes from the icy rain. Foot prints of mud were left behind by him as he walked to his home.

He swung open the door and it hit the wall behind it causing his mother to jump in fright.

“Stop doing that!” she proclaimed and went about her business (The interaction here is very brief, and hardly gives me the chance to understand the relationship the two have with each other. Does he scare his mother on purpose? Apparently not, sense he didn't react to her scream and she just "went about her business" as usual. Add more details here, more interaction between the two. Start a colorful dialogue; have them joke around if that's their relationship, or scream and shout if their relationship is poor).

He went to his room took his staff and set it aside in its corner and laid down and closed his eyes (This is too blunt; I can't even imagine what his house/his village/his room looks like because I'm not given anything to go off of. Describe his surroundings; show me his home!.

He awoke the next day sat up put on some clean tattered clothes (Why are his clean clothes tattered? Are they poor? Can he not afford clothes that are intact? Or did his mother knit them, but she developed a disease of the hand that prohibits her from repairing their clothing?, grabbed his bag and staff and headed for the door (Where is he going? Why is he leaving? Where are his parents? We need interaction between characters here).

Waiting for him outside was Valeigha, his childhood sweetheart, she was the most beautiful girl ever in his mind. She stood the same height as Veiyloxx and had long straight black hair, her eyes glowed with silver and her smile was just breath taking too. She was always proper too unlike many of the girls there she was not only the most beautiful but most intelligent smartest and had everything a young girl like herself should have (Which is what, exactly? Even though you're describing your characters, it's still telling us and not showing. For example: When she smiled, her silver eyes would catch the light from the sun and seemed to glow, as if by magic. Here you're showing me that she has glowing silver eyes, instead of just telling me, "Hey, her eyes glow silver." See the difference?). She was also born on the same day as Veiyloxx too say they shared many things together (Things like what? Do they have similar interests/dislikes?).

“Hey Valeigha how are you doing?” he asks her .

She had this disappointing and serious look on her face, she only had that when she was really upset about something (You're telling again. Show through action: Her face was drawn in tight disappointment, lips curled in an unpleasant scowl. Veiyloxx's own smile wavered; he had only ever seen this look when she was truly upset.).

“Where were you yesterday?!” she asked in a high raised voice almost scolding him.

“I sorry I wasn’t aware I had to check in with you, and you know where I was.”

“Well you know I don’t like it when you go off into the forest like that!”

She grabbed his hand with his and started to pull him along. She kept talking about something but Veiyloxx wasn’t really listening to her (Why isn't he listening? Could he be checking her out, taking in her appearance? Reflect on his feelings for her here, because you've set up the perfect opportunity to do so).

“Are you listening at all? She asked

“yeah im listening.”

“No your not, that’s always your answer you really need to grow up you know that.”

He continued to ignore her (What kind of relationship do they have? Because right now I'm feeling that they get on each others' nerves. Elaborate on their relationship; show me how they feel through the way they think and talk to each other!)

After she got done ranting on about something they finally calmed down and headed for The Great Tree.

“Valeigha, there’s something I want to tell you.” He said, stuttering.

“Oh? And what’s that?” she asked even though she probably knew what it was he was going to say (How does she know?).

“I love you.” He said looking down.

“Oh Veiyloxx your to much.” She said smiling trying not to laugh.

“What’s so funny about that, I’m being serious you know.”

“ I know you are, but I knew you loved me a long time ago, why do you think I’ve stayed by your side all this time. It’s because I love you too.” She smiled at him

“Then why didn’t you tell me this before?”

“Why does the girl always have to say it first? Why can’t the boy say it?” she asked

“Because that’s just how it’s suppose to be.” (Why is it supposed to be that way? Is it some social rule they have in this world? Explain through their actions and dialogue!)

“Well this time is different because you have told me first.”

“Well I think we should go back and you tell me first.” (I'm confused; who's talking here? When you divvy up the conversation like this, attach "he said, she said" at the end of each spoken sentence. Or, better yet, use their names! That's why they have them, after all)

“That’s not going to happen; even if we could I wouldn’t let it.”

“Oh well…

“Look, there was a reason why I told you that I love you Valeigha.” As his happiness turned to a grin. He looked down as if to be worried about something.

“What’s Wrong.” She asked confusingly.

“I had a dream last night while sleeping. We were here holding hands just like this and all of a sudden you pointed out that you saw dark smoke coming from home. So we get up and run back but when we got there the whole village was on fire and just about everyone was dead.”

It started to drizzle with light rain.

“It was raining like it is now…” Then he got scared and with a bad feeling he tells Valeigha.

“Get up lets go I got a bad feeling about this.”

“But Veiy, it was just a dream it could be real could it?” she asked getting scared herself.

“Your right but I don’t want to take any chances let’s just head back ok.” She agreed and so they walked back.

While on the way he finished what he’s dream was about and they started talking about what they were going to do later and how they would lead their lives with one another. They talked about children and other things too. It started to rain a bit harder and the winds picked up, so naturally they started to run with hands together. (You're telling again here. Instead of telling the reader they talked about this and that, start a dialogue between them as they walk. Show us how they feel about children and these "other things")

Then they stopped dead in their tracks. The frightening moment had come, the terrified dream was happening. The smoke and screams had just started to happen. Veiyloxx looked at Valeigha grasping her hands.

“Go back to the tree and wait for me there ok!”

“ but Veiy…” he cut her off before she could finish.”

“Look you’re not coming with me, I’m not going to risk you coming with me after I just told you I love you ok just go back to the tree I’ll be fine I promise!” he let go of her hand and she turned away, she started to cry and ran towards the tree.

Veiyloxx took in a deep breath and let out a loud war cry and ran toward the village. He took out his bo grasping it in his right hand holding it to the side where half the bo was to his back and the other to his side. A small group of men in black robes from head to toe ran at him with swords (Who are they? Does Veiyloxx know? Are they soldiers from beyond the forest?). This is where all his training would pay off.

He leaped several feet into the air spinning his bo around striking the first man in the head breaking part of the bo. The man fell to the ground, his body was lifeless. Veiyloxx tripped the second man and stabbing the man into the chest with the broken end of his bo. Picking up the sword he tossed it at the third man which had truck his chest too.

He picked up the sword from the third mans chest and the one he had in his lifeless body. At this point most of all the villagers were dead. Rage filled His mind as he walked down the center of the village. Four men on what we would call horses (Just say they're horses; unless you intend to include your reader by using "we, you, us," don't do it. That's a whole other point-of-view, and this doesn't seem like that kind of story) stood several hundred yards away. There they stood looking at one another. Veiyloxx started to move ever so slowly towards them. The first horse man galloped he’s way to him. When opportunity struck he took a running start jumped onto a rather large log to jump off impaling the man in the chest with one of the swords.

The second horse man charged towards Veiy with a pike, a long pole with a sharp end to it usually with some sort of metal. When the chance to strike came he rolled out of the way and sliced the leg of the horse off causing the horse and the man to fall to the ground. The man is crushed beneath the horse.

The third horse man follows after and yet again Veiyloxx took his sword in hand and carefully aimed at the horse mans chest and threw it directly at him causing him to fall off. The horse galloped to Veiy when he grabbed the saddles strings jumping onto the horse. He grabbed up the pike from the second man which had been sticking out of the ground and turned to the last horse man. (More detailed action in the fight scenes, please!)

They looked at each other for a minute before charging at one another. Veiyloxx hadn’t ever ridden a horse before but he knew how to use one (Why does he immediately know how to ride if he's never done so? Is anyone naturally good at something they've never tried? Give your character flaws! Have him struggling with the reins or be unbalanced in the saddle. Nobody's perfect, even fictional beings). He threw the pike at the horse man but had missed at this points he didn’t know what to do. He looked around on the saddles to find a sword tucked in a pocket of the saddle. He Grabbed it fast and swung as hard and swift as he could, releasing a loud cry. The sword cut through the man sword and through to his neck decapitating his head off.

He jumped off the horse and ran to his parents, his mother was dead but his father was dying (Sorry, but I'm still unemotional with your characters. I don't know your MC's relationship with his parents, how they feel about him, or what they even look like. Describe this to me; show me!).

“ Son get out of here take Valeigha with you protect what is your and your duties, you’re a man now. More will be back so get out of here fast before they get here. GO! Time is of essence. Goodbye my son you will do great things.” As he took his last breath. (This seems like a lot of talk for a dying man. Break up his speech and create a dialogue with his son. Show some emotion!)

Veiyloxx wanted to bury them but he hadn’t the time to do it. His father was right more would be back (How does he know?). He gave out one last loud yell of hatred stood up whipped the tears away and turned to the horse.

A voice came to his head.

“The girl, she needs your help Veiyloxx. GO NOW SHE NEEDS YOU!” the voice said and without question he jumped on the horse (Why is he obeying this random voice? How does he know it can be trusted?).

He rode hard and fast to get there as quick as he could. His mind was racing, how could one of those men have gotten by? He thought to himself. Maybe one saw her run off and snuck by me after he saw what I did to the other men.

The opening was coming up he could see another horse man grabbing at Valeigha. He galloped towards him with fierce anger and rage.

“Get away from her!” he said

“VEIY! HELP!” she screamed

He leaped off the horse and tackled the man to the ground beating his face into the wet mud. His fists were covered in blood; he stood over the man’s lifeless body. With all the rain his hair feel a little past his eyes. He turned to look at Valeigha.

“Their dead, everyone is dead, just me and you now.” He said with a sorrow voice

She started to weep and cry, throwing herself onto Veiyloxx as he caught her in his arms. They stood for a while just holding each other in their arms.

“ARGH…” veiyloxx said falling to his knees.

An arrow had just struck him in the back. Several hundred feet away stood yet another horseman who was the one that shot the arrow. This arrow was no ordinary arrow, it was a shadow arrow (Again, how does Veiyloxx know that?). First it paralyzes so you can’t move or speak. Excruciating pain flowed through his body as he turned around.

“Impossible!” The horseman shouted drawing another arrow.

Veiyloxx got back to his feet and sprinted towards him with great speed and force (Why is he not paralyzed? Do the effects take time to kick in? Don't tell me your MC is able to resist such a thing; he isn't perfect! If he's been shot with a poisoned arrow, the effects wouldn't kick in immediately but he'd still be a bit sluggish, maybe even disoriented as the poison enters his system). Another arrow hits his shoulder throwing him of his feet. Attempting to get back on his feet the Horseman draws another arrow on to his bow releasing it. This arrow flies right in to his chest and stops before hitting the heart.

Falling to his back he faintly saw the horseman approach. Screams came from Valeigha who was holding Veiyloxx in her arms as he seemed to be dying.

Veiyloxx laid there helplessly as the horseman knocked Valeigha out picked her up and rode off with her to let Veiyloxx die.

I hate to say this (again), but your story didn't draw me in. While it has improved greatly, it's still lacking in details, emotion, dialogue, etc.

You need to work on the depth of your characterization--describe their thoughts/feelings in greater detail. How well do they interact with others? Can the reader tell by their interaction if they like each other, hate each other, etc? Deep characterization is a big part of making your novel believable, and helps attach the reader emotionally to the story.

Jet pretty much covered everything else here, so I won't repeat what they said. Just remember--you're writing for your reader. If they don't understand what's going on or they don't feel any emotion towards the character, then they'll just as easily put the book down. The best way to avoid this is to go back over your story and look at it as if for the first time. Would you understand then what's going on, or feel a connection to the MC? If the answer is no, then focus on what confused you--was it how the sentences were worded, or how the action verbs switched from past to present tense?--and go from there.

Remember, you have to remain completely objective when going back over the chapter, as if you were reading someone else's work and had no background knowledge on who's who and what's what. Ask yourself, "Why would he do that? What would he say in response to this? How does this affect him?"

So, if you work on the things Jet and I have mentioned in our reviews, this will definitely improve the impact of your story dramatically!

I hope this review has been helpful for you. I'll be keeping an eye on this, so keep writing!
~Firefly

Hi, Zane! I'm here, like I told you! Oh, I see... Draft #2 is so much better than the first one. It has more descriptions, you described your characters and that huge world where they lived. You are really creative, it was really good!

Chapter 1

Trees were not just green but other colors as well, some trees were as red as blood and some yellow as a fruit, orange and blue too.

Wow! I wish I lived there!

Even during the night light would shine down upon Rozion.

Even during the night, light would shine down upon Rozion.

He swung open the door and it hit the wall behind it causing his mother to jump in fright.
"Stop doing that!” she proclaimed and went about her business.

Hahahah...*caught*

He went to his room took his staff and set it aside in its corner and laid down and closed his eyes.

Well, maybe you shouldn't write "and" so many times: He went to his room took his staff and set it aside in its corner, laid down and closed his eyes.

She was always proper too unlike many of the girls there she was not only the most beautiful but most intelligent smartest and had everything a young girl like herself should have.

She was always proper too, unlike many of the girls there, she was not only the most beautiful, but the most intelligent smartest and had everything a young girl like herself should have.

“Hey Valeigha how are you doing?” he asks her

"Hey, Valeigha. How are you doing?"

“Where were you yesterday?!” she asked in a high raised voice almost scolding him.

Oh, oh! :O Someone is in trouble... lol

“I sorry I wasn’t aware I had to check in with you, and you know where I was.”

"I'm sorry, I wasn't aware I had to check in with you, and you know where I was."

“Well you know I don’t like it when you go off into the forest like that!”

"Well, you know I don't like it when you go off into the forest like that!"

“Are you listening at all? She asked

“Are you listening at all?" She asked

“yeah im listening.”

"Yeah, I'm listening."

“ARGH…” veiyloxx said falling to his knees.

"ARGH..." Veiyloxx said, falling to his knees.

Hey Vei! Sorry if I get nit pick sometimes by the way.

The wolf from behind takes advantage and attacks first, spinning around his body and staff, striking the wolf in the head. Falls to the ground and struggles to get back up.

To me it seems like you are trying to show the sudden blur of a battle, the lack of clarity. But this part seems a little too unclear. Especially "spinning around his body and staff". So I guess just try to make it more clear that this is your character spinning and smacking the wolf upside the head

“Another exciting day.” Veiyloxx said to himself.

Hmmm, I don't know what it is that gets to me about this line, but it seems a bit cliché. Maybe another thing that they can say?

he knew the forest inside and out.

Also, the description that you have of Veiyloxx, "Veiyloxx was a young boy...." is like one huge paragraph full of description. I like to spread it out more, and also, with the intelligence part, SHOW DON'T TELL!

Rozion, the name of the world in which he lived is a very large world in comparison. Three Earth sizes, so imagine the diversity of the world, an ancient world at that with very intelligent creatures and human-like people. The sky was an orangish-red with a rather large Star as a sun.

This might be breaking the fourth wall with your audience. Using Earth and the sun facts, that is.

His cloths were tattered and dripping in rain water

*clothes*. Also, I might suggest changing that to "dripping rain water".

Later on when you describe his sweetheart (Also goes for your main character), it seems like they are both perfect in every way. Every good character has flaws. Also, "intelligent smartest and had everything a young girl like herself should have. She was also born on the same day as Veiyloxx too say they shared many things together. " The bold part doesn't seem quite right.

So, I read through the rest and I just have some general suggestions. Spelling and grammar could use some work. Also, when Vei is finally brought down by the archer, you might want to make it like one arrow...in addition to the issue of how and archer is usually not going to have that good of accuracy. So maybe let one miss, but have a second hit him?
Also, when you describe the shadow arrow, I would let the description wait until you can fit it into the dialog. Lets say if someone finds him and chooses to help him, you could have them explain why it is so strange that he is alive. Something like that.

Now, after being mean, I will say that I really liked it. You know how to create excitement. I'm curious to see where this goes. Good luck and PM me if you want any more advice!

Phoenix lands for a review.

Okay the others got the nitpicks down. But I'll see what I can catch. .

Veiyloxx was a young boy, well really a man, who stood about five foot and seven inches tall. He had long wavy brown hair with striking green eyes with brown strips of lines going from his iris (the color portion of your eye) to the pupil. It looked like a tunnel looking up close at them. He was rather muscular, not ripped but not to far away from it either. He didn’t like the look of a ripped body just a very tone one did just fine. Besides to much muscle slowed a person down. Very smart and intelligent for his age, he made lots of things from simple wood work to complex pulley systems and more.

Info dump. The description of his appearance is fine I guess but the added stuff about his smarts and wood working is not needed right now.

He was a fighter, always looking for adventure within the Forest, he knew there was something else out there, but he would have to leave his family and loved ones behind and he didn’t want to do that at all.

More unneeded info for the time being.

Rozion, the name of the world in which he lived is a very large world in comparison. Three Earth sizes, so imagine the diversity of the world, an ancient world at that with very intelligent creatures and human-like people. The sky was an orangish-red with a rather large Star as a sun. It also had many moons which very few people even knew exactly how many there was.

more unneeded info for the time being.

He walked casually through the forest to get back to his home town. His cloths were tattered and dripping in rain water. No one was around; they had all found shelter in their homes from the icy rain. Foot prints of mud were left behind by him as he walked to his home.

Okay this would be a point in which you would need some info. What is his home town? What does it look like? etc.

He went to his room took his staff and set it aside in its corner and laid down and closed his eyes.
He awoke the next day sat up put on some clean tattered cloths, grabbed his bag and staff and headed for the door.

Quick jump. You should put more filling in here. I find it odd that he had such a short interaction with his mom.

“It was raining like it is now…” Then he got scared and with a bad feeling he tells Valeigha.
“Get up lets go I got a bad feeling about this.”

repetitive.


Okay like most people have said this needs to be edited in the grammatical department. As for the story, I think it has much potential. It would seem that you have a skill in world building. That being said. This is the first chapter and you tend to info dump information that is not really needed and omit information that is needed. So work on spreading out information and really look at what is necessary to know in a first chapter and what can be left for later.

For instance the description of your character. That is way too much. You should spread that out. In that case I believe it could all be spread out in the first chapter.

Overall good idea.

Phoenix flies away

Hey Veiy, Stella here! First off, you need to get yourself reviews! One is not a very encouraging review count Get going!

I. NITPICKS

Tress bristled and shook with the wind.

If Tress is a really good character name, then cool. If it's a misspelling of Trees... not so cool.

The wolf from behind takes advantage and attacks first, spinning around his body and staff, striking the wolf in the head. Falls to the ground and struggles to get back up. Then they all charge at once. The upper part of the staff strikes one wolf under the jaw swinging him from behind and over the shoulders to hit another in mid air. He sweeps 2 wolves from under them breaking their legs and the rest fall victim to his staff.

Wait, tense! Learn it! Keep it!

the dire wolves he had fought off just now.

Is a dire wolf a special type of wolf, or are you just overusing the word "dire"?

Veiyloxx was a young boy, well really a man, who stood about five foot and seven inches tall. He had long wavy brown hair with striking green eyes with brown strips of lines going from his iris (the color portion of your eye) to the pupil.

If he's a young boy, how is he a man? If he's a boy, he's a young man. They are not... what's the word, used it in maths class... commutative? One does not equal the other. Actually, I have several problems with this description. Firstly, don't assume your readers don't know what the iris is, and even if they don't, don't put in an explanation. Secondly, this is a prime example of telling. Show us what he looks like. When he shoves his hair out of his face after a fight, or locks eyes with someone.

Besides to much muscle slowed a person down.

too

Very smart and intelligent for his age, he made lots of things from simple wood work to complex pulley systems and more.

What? Why are you telling us this now? Why are you telling us at all? Show it to us. And don't sing your character's praises. "Very smart and intelligent." You've just alienated about two thirds of readers because they're assuming this is what he thinks of himself, which suggests arrogance that spreads even to narrative which really isn't a good trait.

The Trees soared well over three hundred feet,

Why is it capitalised here, but not later?

Rozion, the name of the world in which he lived is a very large world in comparison. Three Earth sizes, so imagine the diversity of the world, an ancient world at that with very intelligent creatures and human-like people. The sky was an orangish-red with a rather large Star as a sun.

Tense! Also. Don't compare it to Earth, I think. Unless they know what Earth is. And why are you telling us this now?

He awoke the next day sat up put on some clean tattered cloths, grabbed his bag and staff and headed for the door.

What? You've just skipped the whole day?

She was always proper too unlike many of the girls there she was not only the most beautiful but most intelligent smartest and had everything a young girl like herself should have.

Punctuation please!

She had this disappointing and serious look on her face, she only had that when she was really upset about something.

Disappointed?

“yeah im listening.”

... what?

“No your not, that’s always your answer you really need to grow up you know that.”

you're.

“What’s Wrong.” She asked confusingly.

"What's wrong?" she asked confusedly.

As far as I can see, from here on it's just the same as the first draft.

II. PROOFREADING

Okay, seriously, this should be a first in any writer's head, amateur or not. You can't turn something up riddled with mistakes, missing capital i's and full stops. It's just not on, and for YWSers it can get pretty frustrating. I basically ended up ignoring all your grammar mistakes, because it's not my job to point them out. It's your job to rake through and find them. If there are a few you missed, fine, it happens to everyone. But right now, it just makes your work look sloppy and suggests that you're not really serious. If you want to be treated like a serious writer, then start acting like one and get rid of those rudimentary errors!

III. INFODUMPS

Though this isn't as bad as your first draft, you're still having a tendency to infodump. To just tell us loads and loads of information at a totally inappropriate time. It's called an infodump because that's exactly what it is, dumping information. And it doesn't work. Got important things to tell us about your world and your character? Don't tell us. Let us find out for ourselves at the right time. Don't just blurt it all out at the beginning so that you can ignore it. Character development and world building are not only the most important aspects of fantasy (and character development, all types of fiction), but they're also two of the things that you should take pride in most as a writer. Watching a character grow, watching a world grow, you need to write it and we need to read it. But we can't if you just throw it all at us in the beginning! So get rid of your explanatory paragraphs, and focus on anchoring your plot and character in our mind memorably and stylishly.

IV. OVERALL

Better, but still needs work.

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x